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Author Topic: Everything is my fault  (Read 470 times)
scrambler

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« on: August 12, 2014, 02:24:13 PM »

I have tried and tried to be patient, but everything is always my fault.  Even when she does something, she does it because of me. This is very exhausting.

I really want to keep our family unit together with our two kids, but I am getting tired of getting all the blame.

Last night she looked over my skype account and found a contact (girl) that I have never spoken with on skype or facebook. She was a mutual friend in a local sport league.  The wife calls the girl and demands why she is my contact/ friend on skype.  She cried all night and says she doesn't trust me.

We are going to therapy, but sometimes it feels as we wont make it another day.
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msrcfam

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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2014, 03:52:57 PM »

Sounds like something that happened to me before I realized my wife was BPD.

She looked through my phone and found three numbers on Facetime. She went ballistic, and since I didn't know how to handle things then, I tried to explain that I do not use Facetime on my phone (don't even use it on laptop). After about an hour of her raging, we realized that one number was a toll-free number and one was her old number (the other was her new number). Even after I pointed out that two of the numbers were hers, and the we NEVER used Facetime together, she needed to berate me about it for another 20 minutes. Needless to say, I never got an apology and was even blamed after the fact.

You need to face the facts. You are not going to win. You are not even going to get to play. You will always lose.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2014, 06:34:27 PM »

Facing the facts is about accepting that your loved-one has a real disorder, and that this is what it looks like.  

And making decisions and taking care of yourself based on the facts.

Those are triggered abandonment fears fueling her panic and outrage that you are maybe going to hook up with another woman and/or leave her.  What an awful thing to have that fear living inside of you... .convincing you that you are always at risk of losing those most important to you... .and to live with the felt expectation that you will always loose those most important to you.  It's nightmarish for her, too.

She may blame you but you don't actually have to take it on.  

My partner says things... .based on how he feels, that are NOT true or accurate of me or my intentions at times... .and I try to think to myself... .that is the disorder talking right now... .



"I get that you are upset and feel that I'm doing xyz... .it must feel horrible... .I can assure you that you are safe with me... .I understand that you are really upset right now."


Then stop.  No additional JADEs (no justifying, arguing, defending, explaining... .maybe some emotional validation, maybe take a walk or take a break somewhere else... .until the storm blows over.

This is what the disorder looks like, it's really common to have these overwhelming feelings that you are being betrayed when you have BPD. It's really hard on both people... .and families.  

I'm sorry.

(The only qualifier would be... .if there has been a history of infidelity in the relationship... .then it may be more a normal PTSD reaction to past betrayal... .but if this is pervasive no matter what and there is no history of betrayal... .then it's very typically borderline. )

It's good that you are going to see a therapist.  
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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2014, 07:03:27 PM »

As mentioned in the previous replies, this is common BPD behavior, and it's not going to go away.  Sure, they blame everything on you, but many of the things you can actually by into for awhile.  So she's mad that you left The toilet seat up.  Okay, you tell yourself that you can fix that.  Or she's mad that you left your shoes on the floor instead of the closet.  Somehow she convinces you that you are a slob, and you work to change that.  But then something like this happens that comes so far out of left field that you don't even begin to know how you could possibly fix or even prevent, and you finally realize you are dealing with a severely mentally ill person who lives in her own reality.  And then it's up to you to accept that is the way it is and try and work with it, or decide to move on.  The truth is here - this is who she is and you can't change that.  No amount of behavioral changes or open communication tools will ease her fear of abandonment.  Your only course is to not get sucked into the drama.  If I may ask, why was she looking over your Skype account?  If she has abandonment fears, she will find something, ANYTHING to try and prove her reality.  Just hold firm and don't give into her delusions in order to prove your innocence.  It will only make things worse. 

Luckily, I haven't had to deal with too much of this with my fiancé.  A few times she has randomly asked if I had another girlfriend.  And once she was mad claiming I was flirting with a woman in a drug store.  And there used to be an app that came with my phone that she thought was a dating app, and she asked me about that a few times.  I told her I think it is a navigation/gps app, but whatever it is it came with my phone. 
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itgirl
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« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2014, 12:42:14 AM »

Facing the facts is about accepting that your loved-one has a real disorder, and that this is what it looks like.  

And making decisions and taking care of yourself based on the facts.

Those are triggered abandonment fears fueling her panic and outrage that you are maybe going to hook up with another woman and/or leave her.  What an awful thing to have that fear living inside of you... .convincing you that you are always at risk of losing those most important to you... .and to live with the felt expectation that you will always loose those most important to you.  It's nightmarish for her, too.

She may blame you but you don't actually have to take it on.  

My partner says things... .based on how he feels, that are NOT true or accurate of me or my intentions at times... .and I try to think to myself... .that is the disorder talking right now... .




"I get that you are upset and feel that I'm doing xyz... .it must feel horrible... .I can assure you that you are safe with me... .I understand that you are really upset right now."


Then stop.  No additional JADEs (no justifying, arguing, defending, explaining... .maybe some emotional validation, maybe take a walk or take a break somewhere else... .until the storm blows over.

This is what the disorder looks like, it's really common to have these overwhelming feelings that you are being betrayed when you have BPD. It's really hard on both people... .and families.  

I'm sorry.

(The only qualifier would be... .if there has been a history of infidelity in the relationship... .then it may be more a normal PTSD reaction to past betrayal... .but if this is pervasive no matter what and there is no history of betrayal... .then it's very typically borderline. )

It's good that you are going to see a therapist.  

Thank you for this post.  I needed to read that this morning.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Chosen
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2014, 09:14:40 PM »

She may blame you but you don't actually have to take it on.  

It's easier said than done, but so, so true.

Don't take it personally.  You may think, how can I not take it personally when she meant it personally?  It was a personal attack!

It really wasn't.  She was feeling insecure/ hurt/ sad, which might or might not have been caused by you.  Her disorder "trains" her to put the blame on somebody close ("I'm upset, and you must be the cause of it", and that person was you.

It is worth thinking logically whether you have done anything to cause this negative emotion.  If you have, learn the lesson and avoid that trigeer another time.  If you know you haven't, then assure yourself that it's the BPD, not you.  In time you'll learn to detach a bit more from her emotions, know that you don't have to take it away, and it really is not your fault, despite what she says. 

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flatspin
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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2014, 11:50:33 AM »

When you're told, as I was : If you don't do it, I'm gonna go out and sleep with the first man I meet and it'll be your fault because you will have made me do it !

Beyond the hurt that that kind of reply may cause, we understand that we're dealing with the twilight zone and that the truth is out there... .

My heart bled a whole ocean of blood before I came to understand that no matter what I did, or what I didn't do, it was my fault anyway (in her mind, I mean).
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scrambler

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« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2014, 12:43:41 AM »

the counseling session went ok this morning, followed by a one sided screaming match afterwards. i am too tired to even argue anymore, i just stare out the window. just as the subject says, everything is always my fault.  to answer the earler question about skype. she couldnt remember her skype password so i told her just to use mine... .the opening screen showed all my contacts, and Boom! one of my contacts is a girl... .All of her paranoias realized in that one moment

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MaybeSo
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« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2014, 10:37:26 AM »

Excerpt
followed by a one sided screaming match afterwards. i am too tired to even argue anymore, i just stare out the window.

I’m sorry that happened.

This is why couples counseling is often not appropriate for high conflict couples…folks in session may be contained enough and hold it together…but if someone can’t manage emotional triggers…then it can all come roaring to a head once the session is over…in instances where DV is at stake…there can even be violence AFTER the session.  Counseling, especially couples counseling, can be very very very triggering for people…even for people who manage difficult emotions okay…and we know pwBPD don’t do that.

Regarding being too tired to even argue anymore.  I’m sorry you are feeling that fatigued…but honestly…it’s best you not argue with her, anyway.  Stop arguing.  Really.  Stop.  Stop arguing and refuse to participate in arguments even if you aren’t tired.   I can’t think of anything in my life that was a bigger waste of time, an energy drain, and added to the awful dysfunction of the relationship…than when I engaged in arguments with  my partner who has BPD traits.  It was a train wreck.  It is one of the first things that really has to change if we want some relief... .and we can change it by not participating in it. That’s in our control.

 

Not arguing doesn’t mean sitting and being verbally beat up.  If someone is screaming at me…it’s time to get out of there.  It’s time for some boundaries…to take some distance…and to take distance every time there is any screaming.  If you are in a car…it can be complicated…but I have many times heard of people getting out of the car at the next stop light, and finding a way home via taxi or other form of transportation.  I’ve quietly got up and walked out of restaurants when I see things are going sour, I’ve left events, I have left my home!  I don’t like being mistreated…so I don’t stay put under those circumstances.  If being in the car is a common place for this to go on…I’ve seen people on this board take great strides to organize their life so they minimize or eliminate  being trapped in a car with their partner.  Anything you can do to reasonably take care of yourself is the most important thing.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2014, 01:26:59 PM »

Good reply, MaybeSo, I agree 100%.  People with BPD are prone to screaming and arguing.  That's the disease.  And they like to pick times when it's hard for us to just leave.  Like right before bed or in a car.  My fiance has remarked to others that she always fights with me and I don't fight back.  And that's true.  I used to argue with my siblings when I was a kid.  Then I got to about 14, and realized there was just no point to it.  Same goes for now, I don't want to waste my time and energy arguing with someone whom I am choosing to spend my life with.  But I am like you, scrambler, when it's bad, I just tend to stare off into space and daydream it away.  The reality is I should just go off and do my own thing and let her curse at me from a distance.  My problem is that I care what she thinks of me, and eventually I give in to all the nasty accusations, rather than hold fast to who I am and let her half of the relationship be up to her.   In other words, if she *really* thinks I am causing her all this pain and wants to leave or move or whatever, then let her do that rather than try and calm her and fix things. 

And regarding MaybeSo's comment about when things get bad while driving - enough bad things have happened in the car that I now am apprehensive about going on long trips with her.  I've had several incidents where she was so upset she tried to open the car door while I was driving.  Another incident we were 1000 miles from home on a road trip and she raged, we pulled over into a parking lot and she raged at me some more.  At that point, I considered giving her money for a plane ticket home, and driving home the rest of the way by myself.  Interestingly, that's what an ex boyfriend of hers did after she got into an argument with him on a plane, when they landed, he bought her a plane ticket back home and he went on vacation by himself.

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Samuel S.
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« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2014, 08:45:20 PM »

Scrambler, all you can do is to emphasize and re-emphasize to your BPD how you are trustworthy. If she chooses not to believe and to trust you, she is the one with the problem.

As for her placing the blame on you even if it is her fault, all I can say is that I have had similar experiences. A couple of years ago, I was rear-ended while I was at a legal stop. The other driver tried to stop, but still hit me at about 30 MPH. I got a whiplash condition and got physical therapy. The car damage was minor compared to the aches and pains I had. Nobody was in the car with me.

So, when I informed my BPDw about this, she told me it was my fault, that I should have had a better attitude. Then, this accident wouldn't have happened. I told her I was in a good mood. I had no pressing thoughts. It was a good day. She was working! She then said I shouldn't make an insurance claim against the young driver, because it could happen to anybody. I said that I wasn't at fault. I was the one who got hurt, and my BPDw wanted me to take the blame and the hurt. I tried to rationalize with her, but it didn't work.

Then, I just told her that I was filing a claim, and that's it. If she had a problem with it, that's her problem. I was in the legal right, and the young driver was legally wrong. BTW, both insurance companies agreed that the young driver was legally wrong, and I heard nothing else from my BPDw about it, and I got some money for it, which of course my BPDw didn't complain about at all. I guess I had to defend myself to the max to reach that thick skull of hers.

Also, BTW, some 6 months later, my BPDw got a speeding ticket from a highway patrol officer, and that cost her some $500. I could have created a big stink about it, but she literally had to pay for it.

So, bottom line, Scrambler, I guess being extremely determined to show you are right can eventually make a difference. At least, it did with me. Otherwise, I have been just treading water and losing ground with my BPDw.
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scrambler

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« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2014, 08:32:47 AM »

Thanks everyone.

I am persisting, trying not to JADE, which seems to have helped recently.  All these years I have been defending myself against ridiculous accusations, I hope I am not too late.

I am painted black right now, and have been for several weeks...   This time feels different though, as if she really is going to leave me.

Its like her anger has reached a point of no return.  I fear she is secretly talking to an attorney, I dont know.  I feel lost, cant work, cant sleep, and feel hopeless.

I have not yet told her I think she has BPD.  I dont really know how to, since she thinks I am the one with the problem (flirting, cheating accusations, etc)

my head is swimming...
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scrambler

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« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2014, 08:44:11 AM »

a downward spiral is happening, and I feel I cannot stop it, no matter what I do or say.

Last night we bickered before going to bed. I told her I didn't want to fight and went to sleep in the other room.  This morning she says that she dreamed I was cheating on her, and she woke up and prayed.  She said God told her that I had been cheating, she plans on telling the kids we are getting a divorce. I am helpless to these crazy notions

I think she just wants out, wants her freedom, and is creating illusions to make herself feel better about leaving... nothing is logical anymore

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JohnLove
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« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2014, 05:12:08 PM »

Hi scrambler, I know what you are going through. It is hardly fair. I think you are well aware of your situation. It is easy to lose hope. I'm not telling you to give up completely but have an exit plan prepared if you dont already. This disorder is a terrible thing for everyone.

We keep trying to rationalize the behaviour by applying our logical mind which they don't seem to have. Things may improve if you try to see things from her perspective. Even if you are able to you will be doing a lot of compensating.

Peace... .
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maxsterling
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« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2014, 05:33:58 PM »

I feel I cannot stop it, no matter what I do or say.

That's the truth - she's going to do what she wants, and you have no control over that.  That's true whether BPD is in the picture or not.  As they say in alanon, "You can only control yourself; others you can only love."  You can take care of your part, and take care of you, and the rest us up to her.  And sometimes we have to face the reality that our partner may want a different path. 

You are in a very difficult position watching someone slowly crumble, accuse you of all kinds of false reality things, threaten you, make impossible demands, while you gasp for air and try and figure out which way is up.  You think, "If only I could help her understand... .if only she would calm down so we could talk... .If only she would seek help."  The problem with those thoughts is that they are completely beyond your control. 

I agree with JohnLove here- you don't have to stop trying, but it may be time to start thinking about "what if" scenarios should things further deteriorate. 
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