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Author Topic: Wow. SD14 is a brilliant emotional genius  (Read 413 times)
ennie
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« on: August 13, 2014, 01:53:08 PM »

I just wanted add further report on my amazing 14 year old step daughter's emotional development into adulthood. 

One of the really concerning things for me (and her therapists, and others who love her) is the way she is so enmeshed with BPDmom and adopts her mom's stories about things, having little apparent access to her own "reality" when she is in that enmeshed state.  I have notices this occurs in other relationships, too, where she just adopts others feelings and experience as if it is her own without distinction. 

Specifically, it has concerned me that she has a completely made up childhood and mom that she constantly holds up as reality--she sees a drunk person (mom drinks), and says, "I am glad my mom is not like that, because she NEVER drinks." She often talks about how lucky she is that she had a perfect childhood with no one ever fighting, though I know she witnessed pretty serious DV by mom against dad, that resulted in blood and black eyes at times, as well as lots of pretty realistic death threats in the kids presence--mom driving 60 MPH toward dad, dad almost hit.  At the time, SD14 was aware of the scary things and could speak to them, telling her mom she really did not want her to kill her dad, etc.

So I have worried that this intense enmeshment an "denial" about these painful aspects of her life would make it hard for her to grow up into a more self-aware, happy adult.  For the past few months, she has really let go of her habit of blaming dad and I for things her mom blames us for, and has communicated her gratitude. 

However, this morning she awoke with bad PMS and started the day telling me how horrible it was that her dad and me made her mom live here because REALLY she deserved the life her mom planned for her, living on a farm in another state... .blame, blame, blame.

I really wanted to communicate, now that she is older, that thinking things are bad how they are and blaming others for the way things are takes away your ability to be clear about what you want and move toward it.  It is so important to me to help her to have a better grasp of her own power and feelings than her mom has, because I love this kid and her mom is totally crippled by her challenges, and has really never been able to make anything she loves happen other than her great kids. 

I did not want to make her wrong for her mom's pretty delusional view of the world, or to try to take away her sense of what she want or her dreams. 

I listened and validated for a long time.  Then I asked if she was open to hearing me, and I said some things about the distinction between feelings and our stories, and helped her to feel her feelings... .and that when we blame and project our feelings on others, we have no power to be where we are or figure out how to get to where we want to be.  Or even to know how it feels when we get what we want so we can see if we still want it.  I told her that she gets to choose her stories, that stories are an important tool we use to try to predict the results of our actions, but it is also important to hold them lightly because if they keep being ineffective at predicting what is next, we need to modify them for them to keep being useful.  But that her stories are her choice, she gets to be in charge of what she thinks is true or not, and I will not try to make it different.  I noticed she was being defended about her story about how she had the perfect childhood and she should have been able to do what mom wanted, live only with mom.  I asked her what in what I was saying posed a threat to her story, what she was afraid would happen if she held it a little looser, or what about what I was saying was harmful. 

She was just so amazingly aware and honest.  She started crying and saying that she was aware she was holding onto a story about how nice and perfect it was when she was little and her parents were together, because she wanted to remember that part and not the horrible fighting part.  And she did not want to let it go, because she wanted to have the dream of the good part of being little and her parents relationship be possible in her future.  That she knows she is seeing only that part because she does not want to feel the way she felt about the fighting.  She cried, and said she was afraid if she let that go, that it would not be okay and she would not remember the good parts. 


I told her how amazing and self aware and wise she is, and that I totally trust that if she needs to hold that story, that is what she needs to do.  And that her awareness about what part is true in her experience and body and what part is not is so useful when she comes to a time when she is more curious about why the conflict happened, because there will be times as a grownup when she is parenting or in a relationship when she is curious about why she feels or acts some way, and being able to remember and know the painful parts will help give her information she needs. But until that time, if she needs to think of the smell of daddy cooking bacon, waking up in mommy's arms and all three of them laughing around the breakfast table, that is totally beautiful and great.  But if she can just allow herself to choose that story, with an awareness of the other feelings and thoughts that are too much for her right now, just be a little lighter with it, she can have the information later she needs. 

She was so visibly relieved.  This is the first time I have ever heard her acknowledge that the enmeshed "mommy is the best, everything was perfect before daddy ruined mommy's life" story is just something she made up so she did not have to feel pain, a story that is very important to her.  She was so articulate about why the story is important to her, why she does not want to ever let it go. 

And she was so open to the possibility that while right now it is an important, and even good and useful story to her, she may later want more of the information that story is meant to hide.  So open to the idea that it really is her choice, that I am not a threat to her story, and that she is safe to allow info in at a time that is right for her, and no one but her knows when that is. 

She was lighter and happier after than I have seen her be in a long time.  We expressed gratitude for things at the end, her expressing a lot of gratitude for her mom, me expressing gratitude that even though we see things differently, that she trusts me so much. 

Many people have expressed a desire to see SD14 get angry at her mom and reject her mom.  I saw some of that anger today, though directed at mom and dad for not "getting it together" to have the childhood she wanted living on a farm.  My sense of what I have been working toward in a subtle way is that she be able to see mom fully without having to hate mom, but being able to be free of her without having to not love her.  I am open to her hating her mom, or whatever she needs to do, but my sense has been that it would be the greatest thing for her to have her feelings without hating her mom. 

So I am just amazed that this seems to be unfolding.  She is starting to be able to distinguish between what she feels and what she has been told, between what she wishes and what is, and she is so able to know herself and to be able to say, "I am not ready to let go of what I made up because I do not want to feel the painful part."  She is just such an a mazing girl, and I am so grateful that she is able to receive what I want to give her--that how she really feels is in the long run where she has the most power and freedom, even if the story seems safer.  The present is just more useful as a source of raw information. 

At any rate, I is just so interesting seeing this kid who is so trained by mom to only think some things start to grow up and realize that she does not really feel that way.  And to see her being open to my feedback that is so threatening to her way of holding things at bay, yet standing up for her unwillingness to change right now... .she is just super self aware and super strong, and I am so grateful to be able to witness this.  Teaches me so much about the ways we repress things and create a cover story but sort of know deep down inside the part that feels true. 

I just wanted to share this in some greater depth and detail because I know so many of us SMs and nons are watching our stepkids be wounded and having this hope that they will be able to move past that pain and move outgrow the FLEAS of having a BPD parent, and especially a BPD mom.  And my SD is doing this, in a brave, honorable, and skillful way. 
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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2014, 03:17:31 PM »

That is a wonderful, heartwarming story of validation, ennie! I've heard some say that "anger is a mask for pain." Perhaps that, and also the "Stories" we have in our heads about certain things. And how invalidating that others are telling your SD how to feel rather than accepting that she does feel as she does.

Your post has made me think about what stories I have going on in my head... .and to learn to validate now rather than later. I'm still having trouble with it with S4 and D2.
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2014, 04:15:57 PM »



This is wonderful timing to hear, for me, Ennie -- I will be spending next week at the beach with our 13-year-old grandaughter (DH's GD, but I'm "Miss Gagrl" since she was 3 years old), and GD's 13-year-old step-sister, who we fear is a BPD in the making.  I need skills to talk with them appropriately at the times that present themselves -- they have each had difficult experiences and are reacting to them and growing into womanhood using very different coping skills -- one of which is the story each chooses to own.

I did think of the F. Scott Fitzgerald quote -- "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."   Of course, doing so can create cognitive dissonance and thus stress and anxiety.  We have to remember that these young women really are maturing in their intellectual processing skills; they just aren't fully there yet.

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« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2014, 04:13:45 PM »

that when we blame and project our feelings on others, we have no power to be where we are or figure out how to get to where we want to be.  Or even to know how it feels when we get what we want so we can see if we still want it.  I told her that she gets to choose her stories, that stories are an important tool we use to try to predict the results of our actions, but it is also important to hold them lightly because if they keep being ineffective at predicting what is next, we need to modify them for them to keep being useful. 

Beautiful.  I have never experienced enmeshment stories like this, or been around any real trauma that would precipitate the need to hold onto unrealistic views, the depth of it is sad- however that is so wonderful that she is able to process and acknowledge some of it at her tender age.  That really bodes well for the future for her.
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sanemom
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« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2014, 03:28:00 PM »

I have read this over and over... this is wonderful news and hopeful for your DSD.  My DSD is 17 and isn't there yet, but I think part of what is so hard for these enmeshed kiddos is that they think if they decide that their BPD mom created a story, that makes BPD mom a "bad person" instead of a mom who they love who just created a story. 

Now to see how she deals with this in the future... .great job, ennie!
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