How do you co parent with NC?

[Gmoney]

I have my uBPDxw blocked on my phone and she knows it.  Told her all communication was to be email.   Well she was able to track me down by phone of course she couldn't keep on topic.  So when I wasn't t interested in hearing about her feeling she hangs up.   Than she proceeds  to immediately email how she is an "awesome Bit*h" and "blah blah I Let her slip through my fingers".  I must have wrote 3 different drafts of an email that I never set bc I was able to cool off.  My reply was all contact will be through e mail only. 

I just can't speak with her if it's going to lead to getting those types of emails.   Even tho it's a complete joke I really don't want/need the drama. 

Does anyone co parent without phone contact? Or extremely minimal contact?

[PinkieV]

My DH is on very LC with his uBPDew.  He has full custody with email contact only or text in an emergency.

Last week she told SS14 to ask DH if he could come up to visit in October. She lives two states away, and the custody agreement states that she will pay for a weekend trip, and SS14 will not miss any school.

DH acknowledged the request to SS14, but has not contacted uBPDew regarding it. She knows the rules, and knows how the game must be played. If she makes appropriate, non-antagonistic contact, DH will respond. If not, oh well.

It's good you calmed down before you responded. Just stick to the facts pertaining to the kids and leave the rest behind. She'll have to go somewhere else for her drama fix.

[Boss302]

Co-parenting with a someone with BPD is extremely difficult, for reasons you are finding out about.

Instead, try "parallel parenting." Have the ex responsible for certain areas of the kids' lives, and assign certain areas to you. The ex does his/her job, and you do yours. In my case, I handle education, medical visits and dental visits. BPDx handles vision appointments, gynecology, and therapy (well, in theory anyway... .). Each person is responsible for all the driving, and all the appointment-setting, and each parent is basically barred from doing the other's job, or showing up to appointments.

That way, in theory, all the jobs get done, and there's no need for conflict unless the party isn't doing their job. I'm going through that right now with my BPDx (link below - if anyone has any ideas on this I'm all ears).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230939.msg12475515#msg12475515

Do you have a parenting plan in place yet?

[bravhart1]

We co parent with no contact. She picks up kiddo on Friday after school and we get her back sunday at 6pm, no talking, not even getting within 50 feet of each other. She is hostile 100% of the time.

We take kiddo to school, dr appts and extra curriculars. BPDm can do what ever she wants on her time. Works so far.

We were at email only for the last year, but even that proved to be too much contact, (by her not us)

We only responded once to each issue if it had any real merit, not the false accusations. But often the emails were just hate rants that seemed to be written in a fit of rage. They were disturbing and insulting. Finally put our foot down and had our L send her L a letter stating all correspondence should go through him and that contact was for "true emergencies" only and that it might be best if medical personnel were asked to make that call not her. Might sound harsh but it was the best thing we have done for the sake of our family life here in a long time. Her emails could tank an otherwise normal pleasant day in minutes. We ALL deserve better. Good luck!

[david]

We have two boys together. They are 15 and 11. I only communicate through email. Emergencies are the only exception. Our court order states that in an emergency the party must call and leave a voicemail with the facts. If it is an emergency then the other party calls back. In the three years that has been in our court order I have never had to call ex back. I have never had to make a call either. Ex has called several times but I didn't believe they were true emergencies. In those cases I emailed her back stating what her voicemail said and giving my reply. In a real emergency I would have called back.

If I have to pick the boys up at her residence our order states she is to stay inside until I drive away. She doesn't follow that rule and I have a video recorder and an audio recorder in case she tries to make a false allegation against me or even tries to come near me. I have been accused enough that I don't need any more false allegations. 

[Marcie]

Use Family wizard

[Gmoney]

The divorce is all but final. Just waiting on the judge to sign.  I only found out about BpD after we split and signed the agreements.   Now I have to make a parenting plan work that wasn't specifically designed for someone with a PD.   


I can't even get her to pay her half of the kids expenses.  It's like the aftermath dealing with her now is 1000x worse than the affairs, lying, drama, etc etc.  I now see I will have to really enforce my boundaries with this woman. In order to maintain sanity.   

I head now knows who she is.  My heart is almost on the same page as my head.  And this drama and hurtful FOG is only helping to speed up the process of my heart heeling.



 

[Panda39]

Because there are children involved it really is impossible to go no contact, but I think can go low contact. Will life be perfect? No, but it can be better.

Communicate via email only and only as needed.  Keep your emails short and informative and ignore all the BS she will use to try and suck you back into the drama. Focus on what is actually important in the email (many times that will be nothing). Take time when responding to emails from her (if a response is warranted)... .be mindful in your responses take the time you need so you don't respond in the same old knee jerk reactions you have in the past. (Someone else said she always waited 24 hours before responding) Try to break those habits/cycles you had when dealing with her during your marriage. It is okay not to respond and not to defend yourself if the email is pure garbage... .give yourself permission to just let it go.

What I have seen with my SO and his uBPDex is that the less drama you engage in the less interested in contact she becomes.  Does that stop her from testing the waters now and again with something stupid unfortunately not but things are better. 

Other advice... .Set up your boundaries like castle walls    Follow your court order and enjoy your children    And remember you can only control you.  She is gonna do what she's gonna do and that's her problem.  You do what is right for you.

[bravhart1]

Panda, I'm curious how long did it take for your BPD to become less interested?

We've been "not engaging" in her drama, accusations, emails or threats but she doesn't seem to notice.

Thanks

[Panda39]

Panda, I'm curious how long did it take for your BPD to become less interested?

We've been "not engaging" in her drama, accusations, emails or threats but she doesn't seem to notice.

Thanks

Hi, I'm her SO... .it took about a year after the divorce was final. I think she stopped when I started believing that I wasn't really "guilty" of the crap she constantly accused me of. A bully can only pick on you if you let them... .and you let them because at some level, you're insecure about what they're bullying you about. Decide that you have no reason to be insecure, and they're no longer a bully. Hope that helps. Hang in there, keep your boundaries up, and believe in yourself. If you do that, then there's little that can  be done to you, really.