Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 10:13:04 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Spouse / child conflict  (Read 458 times)
PyneappleDays
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 96



« on: August 14, 2014, 02:28:03 PM »

I’m writing because I’m at a loss and frustrated with my current situation. I don’t think that I’m being treated fairly by my husband.

My 19 year old daughter moved out of the house because of the conflict with her behavior. I’m not OK with her behavior but I also thought her leaving was not OK.  She has the mind of a 16 year although she’ll be 20 in October with a pregnancy due date of the 30th. She’s moved 30 times in the last 2 years and I know that she’s struggling.  She is not seeking out help on her own. I’m getting a little concerned.

My husband (her stepfather) extended his hand at trying to get her to come over and discuss it. She turned around and bit it.  So began the power struggle between us (me and my husband). She has been rude but since apologized.

I don’t understand why he would extend his hand for her to move in when he will not let her step foot in the house. He always states it’s his house and he can’t stand looking at her; so why the flip? DH does not understand that he cannot control her, he thinks her diagnoses is an excuse for bad behaviour and any bad behaviour needs to squashed and not tolerated. Where I believe he’s right it needs to be dealt with I do not agree with his methods which brings.  

He seems to blame daughter for the trouble in our marriage and will lash out at her. That he would never be associated with people like her. When we met and started dating I made it very clear that we were a package. If he’s not in a good mood he will say nasty things to the both of us. I realize that sometimes it’s because he’s frustrated. Somehow I get the impression that thinks that we should tow his line.  

I’ve asked him to read more books on the BPD the; the entire book not just the sections that validate his view. He grew up in a house where his parents very strict no meant no with no explanation you didn’t question them and his father was right “serve you right” and his mother was a quiet mouse house wife. I grew up in foster homes. This does not automatically mean he’s right and I’m wrong. I’m not the house wife cheerleader type.

There are other things in our relationship that started the day we were married. I put twice as much in the joint checking account as he does but there never seems to be enough money for things. Originally I put in a set amount but he said if we can sustain the bank at a certain level we could move, now that’s changed and the money is sucked up into renovating his house. When we make a purchase I’m not grateful enough towards him and he shuts down. Recently he’s moved into the spare bedroom and does not talk to me. This is now starting to happen more frequently.

Although I’ve seen him talk sweetly to other people. When I try to talk to him about what I’m looking at I get “I’m upset about my daughter and I shouldn’t take it out on him”. About the money I get I’m the one who wants to money it should me that comes up with extra money by the way we should move out of town when we retire”. About talking nicely I get “they’re fresh and relationships get quiet after a while everyone knows that but me, beside they are nicer to him than me and they make sense” once he said “ I must have been nicer when he first met me”. Again if I stat anything he says I’m flooding and I’m turning it around and making it his faults and he’s not going to take it.” He gets mad shuts down and moves into the spare room or off with the dog.

I’m not for tit for tat kind of person but I’m getting frustrated for me daughter and the baby that’s about to be borne. Is he going to take it out on a kid caught in the midaughterle?

I’m not ok on how daughter or I has been treated by my partner and it seems to be getting worst. Please forgive me if it’s not coherent I try thinking and typing at the same time.  I’ve tried counseling but it’s more like I get “ok, I hear you and know how you feel”. I’ve read many books before coming on this site but they were more intent on my daughter.  I’m starting to go through the lessons on the relationship boards. To his silent treatments I’m going about my business occasionally engaging him. I’m afraid of when he comes out of it’s going to be a storm and I’ve about had enough.

Again I may have left some information out but at this point I feel like a punished roommate and not a newly married wife. I was a fully functioning adult before this relationship I’m not going be treated like a little quiet house wife that’s told what to do.

So to recap... .

I’ve had my suspicions about him having some social problems and have asked him to seek counseling.

Is there a better way to request it again? Is there something I should do better?

Is it me?

How do I protect daughter from the situation?

I know that I can’t do everything, but there are no groups in this area. How do I get the hospitals to address these areas for the families?

Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Love Is Not Enough
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged and living together
Posts: 292

Confidence is the gateway to hope


« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2014, 06:55:00 PM »

Hello PyneappleDays. I am sorry to hear that your husband is not more supportive of your daughter. I know how frustrating family dynamics can be when BPD is involved.

I'm glad you are reading the tools on the staying board. They work great in any relationship and not just with pwBPD. Have you tried SET or DEARMAN when talking to your husband about your daughter? You might try giving it a shot to see if it helps.

What also helps me with my BPDgf is to not JADE. I have found that it reduces conflict greatly. Sometimes I feel like I've turned into Ghandi  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I hope this helps. My thoughts are with you and your daughter. I'm sure you are worried about your new grandchild. My gf was in very bad shape when she had her first child and becoming a mother turned her life around. Hopefully your daughter experiences something similar.

Logged

Never to suffer would never to have been blessed ~ Edgar Allan Poe
maxsterling
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2014, 06:55:30 PM »

Wow, PynappleDays, not only are you dealing with an unstable BPD daughter about to give birth, but this crap as well.  I feel for you.  

While I don't know your whole back story, you aren't being treated fairly by your husband.  In fact, his behavior just seems bizarre to me.  Counseling would probably be good for him - has he ever in his life gone before?  Unfortunately, all you can do is suggest it to him.  And if he refuses, it's up to you to decide what to do at that point.  

Whatever his issues, I think the lessons on validation and other communication tools to deal with a pwBPD would also be helpful in dealing with your H.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2014, 08:20:33 AM »

Hi PyneappleDays

Do you believe your husband has a disorder or is merely stubborn in his lack of acceptance of mental illness?

When you first became involved with him what was his perspective then? How has it changed? Or where you both in denial of the problem that your daughters issues may cause ?

It is obvious you have differences. What do you have in common? It is important to be aware of why you are in a relationship and why it is a choice as opposed to an obligation.

Dealing with your daughters issues is one aspect, but how are you together otherwise, or is there a level of disharmony aside from this issue?

A lot of questions I know, but in order to deal with a specific issue you have to establish what your level of trust and cooperation is. If that is not there it is hard to resolve the specific issue.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
PyneappleDays
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 96



« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2014, 09:06:52 PM »

At first my current husband was in love with the idea of being a step parent.  She live in another province and or did not live with me .  I was in the process of getting dd diagnosed when she came to live with us.  He was thrilled to get to know her.  I told him to watch don't get to involved, step back.  I had rules and guideline to follow.  He in his infinite wisdom knew more then me and over stepped his bounds and told me I was to strict.  Things spellbound out of control he told me I was too leanent.  They (dd and  dh) butted heads she left and he told her don't let the door hit you.  I told him this was too far.  He said he learned this off a parenting website.  By then dd was gone and would not step inside the house again.

As for us yes if he's in a good mood we fine.  It just that his mood swings to things I say are getting more and longer .

Back to dh and me.  Has he been to see someone previously or been diagnosed?  Not that I'm aware of.  I can see the same traits in his father.  His father likes to insinuate I'm not watching my weight.  A lot!
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2014, 03:39:09 AM »

Do you have any boundaries and space to action your own ideas without being dominated by him?

Does he react badly to having his authority challenged, and take things in general personally?

I guess what I am looking at is whether the issue is not really your H vs your daughter, but rather something that is a bigger issue with H  in general. As a result his reaction to the difficulties with your daughter are simply a symptom of that.

It certainly sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Dealing with a troubled child is hard enough, dealing with someone else's is extraordinarily difficult. If you have intolerance issues of your own in may be close to impossible.

It may mean you have to accept that for them to be in the same household is toxic and volatile for all of you. Having her live away may be hard but it may be the lesser of the evils.

My partners troubles started as a teen and were made horribly worse by having to deal with a family who had similar attitudes to your H. The whole "get your act together so you can be a proper member of the family" approach. Trying to convince him otherwise may prove impossible and can destroy your RS. Your daughter may be far better not in that environment.

Fairness will have nothing to do with it. Some people can cope, some can't. Some can learn and adapt, others cannot. Its like trying to mix oil and water, you will drive yourself nuts trying.

If he is wired in black and white you will not be able to make him see grey. He may bite his tongue for a while, but if it is forced sooner or later he will blow a fuse. To deal with mental illness you have to be able to accept it, let if flow over you and let things go. That takes a certain capability. Not everyone can do it.

You may have to accept this is the way he is, just as you have accepted this is the way your daughter is.

What is workable and what is just a pipe dream? That is what you need to determine for yourself now so that you don't waste precious energy on false goals.

I tried for years to get my partners mum to realize that "a sharp kick up the bum" approach will not work, and hasn't worked for the last 50 years. No real progress was made until I reduced her influence in the dynamics, as the endless battle between them took the focus away from a healthier path. It becomes an overwhelming sideshow. I suspected her mom is high functioning BPD (or some other disorder), my partner is low functioning, so it is a two way blame game.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
PyneappleDays
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 96



« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2014, 08:55:25 PM »

He is very black and white and does not like it if you try to give information he did not ask for.  He certainly does not being challenged.  Which is why we are in the incident we are in now.  I on his opinion said something besides sorry which the only response he wants if you saying anything else in his eyes is an excuse.  It's a little dis concerning as I said because it's getting more and more frequent.  In his terms if he says to stop something he means it.  Anything less your doing on purpose.  I once told him if you tell me to stop breathing it's not an excuse.

Which brings me back to dd.  I keep telling h she's not doing things to him on purpose.

Do I have a place no not really its a all house.  I usually leave to get my space.  He talks a lot about boundaries but does not accept the others do to. He just steps on them and over them.

I do not plan to put up with this and will not accept abuse.  He knows it's wrong because he can hide it when we are around other people
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2014, 10:16:00 PM »

You have to be careful, what happens in your daughters life at this age will effect her for a very long time and potentially mess up her long term welfare.

If your H is displaying behavior towards you in general that is unhealthy you need to find a way to address the two issues separately. If you cant work a healthy balance with him, then your daughter has no chance of dealing with him.

If you tell him she is not doing something on purpose it makes no difference. His motivator seems to be soley what he feels or perceives, the reasons of others are of no concern. You will get nowhere trying to justify yours, or your daughters, actions.

I suspect he says "boundaries' but does not really understand their meanings, and instead is using the word to convey needs and demands. Boundaries are used to protect yourself, not to control others. If he is denying you your opinion that is not boundary enforcement, that is controlling , and as you say, ignoring any boundaries you may have.

You are correct are not putting up with abuse. But you will need a strong boundary to protect that, and it may be a deal breaker if he continues to cross that boundary. Boundaries need to be absolute and non negotiable if they are to work.

If you cant come to an amicable arrangement in regards to how he treats your daughter, you will have to cut him out of the loop. It is too important to your daughters welfare, and your relationship with her, for it to become a destructive sideshow.

If you are having issues with him he is likely to project that onto your daughter with disastrous consequences. I have experienced this first hand and it was one of my biggest regrets that I didn't have the skills to prevent it at the time. I would never let that happen again.

You need to be strong

Being here is a good starting point

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2014, 02:21:02 PM »

He is very black and white and does not like it if you try to give information he did not ask for.

Can you give an example of this.  I would like to focus on what and how you say these things.  Do I think this issue will magically go away... .no... .but I would bet we can make this a little better.  Several things getting a little better can give you hope... .and some time to sort things out.

 He certainly does not being challenged.  Which is why we are in the incident we are in now.  I on his opinion said something besides sorry which the only response he wants if you saying anything else in his eyes is an excuse.  It's a little dis concerning as I said because it's getting more and more frequent.  In his terms if he says to stop something he means it.  Anything less your doing on purpose.  I once told him if you tell me to stop breathing it's not an excuse.

I'm wondering what it is you are doing that he sees as a "challenge".  Sometimes when there is an "extreme" reaction... .which is seems he is giving... .going to the other extreme gives a contrast that I hope he will answer for.  A soft "Help me understand xyx"... .where xyz is the reaction to being challenged... .could help.  Stay away from "why"... .be patient.

Which brings me back to dd.  I keep telling h she's not doing things to him on purpose.

Do I have a place no not really its a all house.  I usually leave to get my space.  He talks a lot about boundaries but does not accept the others do to. He just steps on them and over them.

Can you give an example of him stepping on or over a boundary... .and your response... .try to be specific.


I do not plan to put up with this and will not accept abuse.  He knows it's wrong because he can hide it when we are around other people

PyneappleDays,

Something that I hope you focus on that waverider pointed out is this concept of a "sideshow". 

You've got a couple big things going on in your life that seem connected... .but I think need to be looked at separately... .even though they do bump into each other most of the time.

1.  You have things to work on in your marriage r/s.

2.  You have things to work on in your r/s with your dd.

Our hope is that we can help with both... .and we can help with both.

Many times in life people get to a point where they look at their resources and look at their needs and realize that they don't have enough resources... .or their needs are too much. 

Another way of saying you can't do everything.

Since you... .like everyone else has a limited capacity to "pour yourself" into a r/s... .and to "work on" r/s issues you want to avoid putting all those resources... .or many of those resources... .into a sideshow. 

Once you have determined that your "main event" has been handled and you have some r/s energy left over... .it may be appropriate to send it other places.

So... .in the midst of these "tactical" discussions about how to get along with people... .please take some time and be very deliberate about thinking through what really matters to you.  Nobody else can make those decisions for you... .it's important work.

Hang in there... .!   

Logged

PyneappleDays
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 96



« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2014, 11:05:18 AM »

« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 02:21:02 PM »  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



He is very black and white and does not like it if you try to give information he did not ask for.

Can you give an example of this.  I would like to focus on what and how you say these things.  :)o I think this issue will magically go away... .no... .but I would bet we can make this a little better.  Several things getting a little better can give you hope... .and some time to sort things out.

For Example that relative to this sistuation of Black and white:

When it comes to money speciaically my money after the bill have been paid.  My spending money.  I never agreed that I wouldn't help dd.  I will help dd sometimes if it's a basic need.  Like her cell.  I think it's a safety feature.  When he finds out that I helped her he will go balistic get any and shut down.  Stating that we agreed.  Me " for the hundreth time I never agreed you stating it does not make it so."  To him I should not help her finanatialy because she left.  I still think as a parent you need to still help to a certain degree.  He won't listen to it.  There's no grey area to which I should help her.  She left that's it.  Why are you still talking to her.


He certainly does not being challenged.  Which is why we are in the incident we are in now.  I on his opinion said something besides sorry which the only response he wants if you saying anything else in his eyes is an excuse.  It's a little dis concerning as I said because it's getting more and more frequent.  In his terms if he says to stop something he means it.  Anything less your doing on purpose.  I once told him if you tell me to stop breathing it's not an excuse.

I'm wondering what it is you are doing that he sees as a "challenge".  Sometimes when there is an "extreme" reaction... .which is seems he is giving... .going to the other extreme gives a contrast that I hope he will answer for.  A soft "Help me understand xyx"... .where xyz is the reaction to being challenged... .could help.  Stay away from "why"... .be patient.

If he states that he does not like it when I hide his stuff, which follows with him actually hiding my stuff like my jewellery box.  He does this ever so once in a while otherwise I hear nothing about my cleaning.  If I try to explain anything he says I’m challenging him “I explain that I was cleaning and you can’t leave your stuff all over the house you need to put it way I shouldn’t have to stub my toe on a hammer in the hall and I put it back where it belongs and I told you where I put it,” He will say I’m making excuses and get louder.  Or with my daughter “we had a deal and your waffling” .  What does he see as a challenge the fact that he told me not to do it and I did.  1 I can’t stand living in a cluttered house.  I told him when I met him I don’t need a teacher father or a parole officer don’t tell me what to do.  Just because you told me doesn’t mean I agree.

Which brings me back to dd.  I keep telling h she's not doing things to him on purpose.

Do I have a place no not really its a all house.  I usually leave to get my space.  He talks a lot about boundaries but does not accept the others do to. He just steps on them and over them.

Can you give an example of him stepping on or over a boundary... .and your response... .try to be specific.

Boundries. If you don’t give him the information he will snoop through my bill fold and bank statements and my cell phone messages to find the info then bring it to my attention I didn’t inform him.




I do not plan to put up with this and will not accept abuse.  He knows it's wrong because he can hide it when we are around other people

PyneappleDays,

Something that I hope you focus on that waverider pointed out is this concept of a "sideshow".    He’s been cold and aloof at home sleeping in the other room.  When he’s in front of other people he behaves as though nothing is wrong.  Laughing and smiling when his family was over on the weekend.

You've got a couple big things going on in your life that seem connected... .but I think need to be looked at separately... .even though they do bump into each other most of the time.

1.   You have things to work on in your marriage r/s.

We work on a daily basis.  I need to find some place to work on it.  It could be me because I need space of my own I feel crowded.  Badly between the 2 of them (DH,DD) I can’t breathe sometimes.  I have friends and I hike, run.  Still I just want to be without anyone coming up to me and asking me questions.  I get it a work to.  It feels like you’re the center of the frigging universe and nobody asked me if I wanted to be.

2.  You have things to work on in your r/s with your dd.

She takes a big portion of my concentration.  CAS has insisted that she go back into RTC manor because of the baby.  She needs to be assessed.  We (her and I) are going in on Monday to see if she can get in.  Fingers crossed

Our hope is that we can help with both... .and we can help with both.

Many times in life people get to a point where they look at their resources and look at their needs and realize that they don't have enough resources... .or their needs are too much.  

Another way of saying you can't do everything.

The website is a huge help.  It makes me feel like I’m not an alone and there is resources.

Since you... .like everyone else has a limited capacity to "pour yourself" into a r/s... .and to "work on" r/s issues you want to avoid putting all those resources... .or many of those resources... .into a sideshow.  

Once you have determined that your "main event" has been handled and you have some r/s energy left over... .it may be appropriate to send it other places.

So... .in the midst of these "tactical" discussions about how to get along with people... .please take some time and be very deliberate about thinking through what really matters to you.  Nobody else can make those decisions for you... .it's important work.

Hang in there... .!  

Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2014, 05:02:25 PM »

 

Good responses... I'll try to give  full reply later... .

Hang in there... .
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2014, 01:39:37 PM »

Good responses... I'll try to give  full reply later... .

Hang in there... .

Biggest thing to come back and point out after your boundaries comment about him snooping and looking... .is that if you are going to have a boundary... .you need to stick to it.  Intermittently doing a boundary is worse than nothing at all.

That being said... .if him snooping in cell phone and bill fold is not that big of a deal... .then declare it a sideshow and maybe work on it later... .maybe.

Right now I think it would be good for you to do some self reflection and figure out several core issues that you want to educate yourself about and that if you saw some improvement on in your r/s... .would give you hope and energy to continue on.

Those core issues may or many not include phone snooping... .bills... .money... .only you get to decide that.

Thoughts?
Logged

PyneappleDays
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 96



« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2014, 02:12:14 PM »

Maybe I need a little more help as I get lost when things are good and when both sides come back at me (both dd and dh).  Reading is goo the site helps but I'm going to see if I can get a councillor first for myself.  It just leaves me feeling guilty with dd being out there by herself.

P
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2014, 02:25:51 PM »

Maybe I need a little more help as I get lost when things are good and when both sides come back at me (both dd and dh).  Reading is goo the site helps but I'm going to see if I can get a councillor first for myself.  It just leaves me feeling guilty with dd being out there by herself.

P

Have you ever been to a therapist/counselor before?  Very good move to have someone help guide you in sorting through priorities and choices in life.

Instead of feeling guilty... .I would focus on the fact that a healthier you will be a much bigger help to your family... .which includes dd.

How does that strike you?
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!