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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: I just need some nice words...  (Read 438 times)
aspiegirl23

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« on: August 14, 2014, 11:13:49 PM »

Hi everyone. You guys are all so nice and supportive here. I am feeling so so low right now, dealing with my BPD husband. I feel so alone and so depressed. I am not sure how much more I can take.

I was just hoping for some nice and supportive words from people who understand. Thank you.
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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2014, 12:15:33 AM »

Aspiegirl23,

Hang in there. As you walk your path, we are right here beside you. Sending you my love and prayers for a better day tomorrow. We have all been there. I am still there. It takes a lot of bravery to be with pwBPD.
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2014, 12:18:10 AM »

Also, is there anything that you can do for yourself right now? A walk, talk to a friend, watch a funny comedy clip? I am worried about you.
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Haye
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: SO
Posts: 148



« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2014, 01:51:34 AM »

Aspiegirl, how are you doing?

I second takingandsending. Take care of yourself, nurture yourself like you would take care of a good friend going through a rough situation. Maybe it's walks, chocolate or ice-cream, or going horse-back riding.

Do you have a close friend you could visit, or who could come and meet you somewhere (without the husband)? Some confidant?

And you know, you don't have to be able to take in more than you handle. Setting boundaries is difficult but it's vital for you.

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Ceruleanblue
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2014, 03:02:18 AM »

Are you feeling any better? I think I know how you feel. I'm a "stayer", but I recently got so fed up, I asked my uBPDh for that "break" he is always threatening me with. I think sometimes they just push you too far. For me, it was either he leave, or I'd head to the ER, and the stress unit.

It's hard not to get depressed, stressed, or merely run down when you have to bear the brunt of BPD on a daily basis. The anger, blame, acting out, projecting... .it's awful. There have been times I almost feel like I've developed some bad traits, just from having to deal with uBPDh. Then I have to work on myself, because I refuse to become something I'm not, just due to these awful circumstances.

I've tried an antidepressant myself, just to help me deal with the stress. Hey, whatever makes life a little easier. It's okay to have bad days, and to feel bad. Heck, it's even okay to leave if it becomes damaging to your own mental health. Everyone need some time to regroup, and have some peace. With a BPD partner, that can be especially helpful.
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jess2014

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 9


« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2014, 03:32:19 AM »

take some time out ! have you tried meditation? or yoga - I do both of them and I have got to say- it gives me the head space to look at my own thoughts and feelings- mindfulness is powerful and insightful.

good on you for asking for a break... .try not to take on board the hurtful comments, I do this by removing myself from the situation and reflecting on how I feel and by doing this I am southing myself and making my feelings important.

take care xx
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flowerpath
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 225



« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2014, 11:42:37 AM »

Hi, Aspiegire23.

It is very lonely and depressing. And sometimes it feels hopeless.  What I have had to do at times like this is find something to do that will take my mind off of my husband’s behavior or that will at least ease my mind in some way and strengthen my heart.   I think about people I know who might need some cheering up themselves and who I think might like to get a thoughtful card or letter in the mail, so I’ll send them one.  I’ll take care of a little project I’ve wanted to do that is rewarding to me.  I take a break and go places I’d like to go – a museum, an art store, a book store, the library, a gift shop – and linger as long as I want to, even if I have to do those things by myself.  I contact people I’ve lost touch with and catch up.  I invite a friend to do something together.  I read inspirational books that are spiritually uplifting and help keep me from sinking into a pit, and the valuable words on those pages have rescued me many, many times. 

Takingandsending is right.  It does take a lot of bravery to live with a pwBPD.  Sometimes I don’t know how much more I can take either.  What helped me tremendously is someone on this board telling me that I am not forced to do any of this and that I have the ability to choose whether to live with this or not. 

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Tibbles
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« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2014, 06:53:27 AM »

Hi

Hang in there, it is hard and its natural for it to get to you. When I get like that I look up "Positive Quotes" on the internet and sit and read them till I feel better and stronger. Sometimes I read them for a LONG time. To be with a BPD you are stronger and tougher than you give yourself credit for. Sending lots of love and support your way x x x x
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aspiegirl23

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« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2014, 08:00:04 PM »

Thanks so much everyone. You are all wonderful!

Sorry it took so long to reply, I have been so busy plus whenever I have been on the computer, he has been close by.

Things got a bit worse before they finally got better. In hindsight I think what happened for him was that he had a big chore to do out the back that was weighing on his mind (he likes to have things finished), plus he used to drink a lot whilst working outside (he has been sober for 5 months now) and it is a huge trigger for him. So, as usual, I copped it all with a bunch of horrible insults and attacks instead of him just saying "honey I am struggling". I am aware that his brain is hyperactive with negative emotions and hypoactive in stopping those emotions getting out of control, but gosh, I still wish he would work harder on it! I think him being a male makes it even worse with the whole ego/weak thing stopping him from "working on himself".

I am stupidly emotionally sensitive too, not quite as much as a pwBPD but close (part of my Asperger's) and try as I might, I can't seem to stop his words from hurting me! I get so so low - scarily so! when this happens. I think I will see my counsellor about it when she returns from her trip. I wish that I could do many of your wonderful suggestions to get me out of it, but I am a little "trapped" at the moment with a 7 month old and a 9yr old and it makes things really difficult to get out and connect with myself (gosh, even if he wasn't BPD I would be struggling with that Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). I get to a point where my own emotions spiral out of control and I need to be on my own to calm down, but then I don't want to leave my baby with him in his state either, so it is really difficult and our poor baby is the one who is suffering. I really need to get some help for myself so at least one of us can make it ok.

Thanks for telling me that it takes a lot of bravery. That helps!
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2014, 01:38:44 PM »

Hi aspiegirl23. You are so welcome. Everyone deserves words of encouragement. I really feel for you with two young children. Some of the toughest times for me with uBPDw were during my S3's first year and a half. I can only imagine what you are working through with sleep deprivation and BPDh.

Don't know if it will help, but I have been trying a technique my T has recommended that helps me out. When you are giving to/loving your children, particularly when you see them really receiving what they need in the moment, imagine you receiving in that same way, in that same fullness, from yourself. You might not be able to take a walk, get a breather, take a break from the chaos, but I have found that doing this has really helped me to feel some relief and to not be so down on myself. You're emotional sensitivity is not a bad thing, and to be fair, it's really tough not to take things personally when you are under attack. Emotional sensitivity is part of who you are, just like it's part of BPDh. It's what you do with it that matters.

I really hope you feel better.
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aspiegirl23

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Posts: 38


« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2014, 10:39:32 PM »

takingandsending, thank you so much! That is an interesting idea, I haven't heard that one before. I will definitely try it out! Thanks for taking the time to write that to me Smiling (click to insert in post)
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