My SO said i was oggling one of the parents

[moonunit]

These are just a few of the loving words i am hearing from my SO.

I am asst coach of our SD soccer team, and i actually like it. At start of season my SO said i was oggling one of the parents and told me that all the other parents were upset and horrified at my actions. So i treated the other parent like dirt so as not to arouse any more accusations, actually someone i have known for 25yrs.

So last night i am talking to SO at the practice, the other woman shows up with her D and i tell her on the phone and i swear my SO said ok by, well she now claims it was me who hung up so quickly once the other parent showed up and guess why, oh yeah, because i have the hots for her and she is more important than my SO that is why i got off the phone.

This has now ballooned into a HUGE fight, i got so ticked off i said some very hurtful and nasty comments ( which i have since apologized for 4x), might as well not said a thing. It is getting uglier and uglier, and i actually realized

1. I enjoy coaching, even though i will likely be stepping down at the end of the season because i cannot deal with her crap anymore

2. I cannot stand taking this abuse anymore, I am sick of it, really really deep down sick of it.

3. I am actually thinking how nice it would be without her in my life, i will miss our SD unbelievably, however, i cannot stand listening to my SO's crazy talk  any longer, it is making me do/say some really nasty things that i can;t stand myself anymore        

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

Moonunit: that's really crappy of your SO, and sounds like something that would happen to me if I did any activity that involved dealing with women my age who were remotely nice looking.  As for your points:

1) If you actually enjoy it, why stop doing it?  If you stop coaching, that won't cure your SO's BPD, and she will likely find something else to accuse you about.

2) Have you tried walking away from her abuse the moment it starts?  If what you are currently doing is not working, it might be time to try a different strategy.

3) If you successfully set and maintain boundaries around the abuse, you might be able to keep the relationship with your SO and therefore not have to miss your SD. 

[moonunit]

Wrongturn, thank you for your notes.

I walk away now, followed by her screaming obsenities at me, things would not have got where they did last night had i simply unplugged my phone, i realize my part in the dance. I did that a few times before but for some stupid reason i did not last night and i wish i had unplugged the phone. Sorry, can't change the past though.

She is high functioning and i would not put anything past her once she gets so worked up, i will try to stay away but i suspect what i said to her last night will be brought up for now and eternity, just like every other travesty that i have supposedly done to her in the past. 

[maxsterling]

Accusations of infidelity are damaging, yet seem to be common in relationships with pwBPD.   I'm sorry you are having to deal with this chaos.  It's rough.  Perfectly understandable that you feel like you are "done", because who would want to deal with that day in and day out?

And wrongturn - gee, I've gotten that when it wasn't a woman my age, and when they weren't remotely good looking  I've even gotten the accusations of cheating with someone seen in a "vision" and of cheating with someone in a dream!  It's when stuff comes so far out of left field like that when we finally realize there is nothing we can do but either accept it or move on.

[MaybeSo]

It is very common with BPD to have huge fears of infidelity.  …it’s kind of the low hanging fruit of abandonment fears.

When we accommodate a person’s fears…we go a long way toward further reinforcing them.

So stop accommodating her fears.

I heard you and understand your perception of what happened.

My perception of what happened is different than yours.

We will have to agree to disagree.

I won’t be discussing this any further.

Stop discussing it.

Take space  if she is verbally abusive or name calling.  You both need to take space when things are too heated.

As you can see, bending over backwards to placate her doesn’t work or protect you from further upsets…and if anything…your heroic efforts add a patina of legitimacy to her fears…which both rewards and reinforces it. When you get fed up and change the game up…she feels you are even more untrustworthy.   

So now, you are in a tuff spot. Taking a new, healthier course of action will likely escalate things for a while…extinction burst etc.

But it has to stop sometime, right?

When you were rude to that women in an effort placate your wife…you were essentially being inauthentic.  That’s not going to help either one of you build trust.

Here is what will surely happen if you stop coaching (or any normal activity) because of her wrath:

More of the same!  Only it will get worse and worse!

If you are not doing anything wrong…and you like to coach…keep coaching. If this ever gets any better... it will not be because you have cleverly placated her or sacrificed yourself or bent over backwards to accommodate her fears. 

[moonunit]

Hi Maybe so, thank you for your input.

So when my SO responds, its not my perception, it is what happened and other people noticed and commented on it ( she makes this up all the time ) i think to sort of rationalize her thoughts and make them appear real in her eyes.

Do i repeat the words again, that i have a different perception of what took place and we will have to agree to disagree ?

There are many times that she actually believes her thoughts to be real and truthful, when in fact they are distortions of what really happened. She does not let them go and constantly and i mean constantly brings them up. She says all the time that she reacts the way she does because my actions remind her of past wrongs and just brings up the past and in her mind shows her that the past is repeating itself and she then can't trust me again and the cycle repeats itself.     

[Inquisitive1]

I might respond one or two times to that sort of push back from my dBPDw, but not more than that. I cut it off and leave the house if necessary.

Since this comes from a fear of abandonment, it might be useful to say something supportive after the initial accusation. If you're like me, the accusation makes you mad, so you don't feel like saying something nice. But, if you overcome that, saying something about how you love her and she has nothing to worry about might assuage her fears. You can combine that with a statement of your reality.

[MaybeSo]

Her perceptions will be different than yours... .she views the world through a lens of threat and fear. Her biology and experience shape the lens she views all the world through. Her amygdala is hyper alert for cues of relational threat. She is different than you.

we all perceive the world different at some level of detail. No use arguing about whose perception is more correct... .waste of time and very invalidating.

Boundaries with compassion can work wonders.

Stop feeding into arguments about perception, use good boundaries and say something comforting and soothing if you can get out of the angry, personalization of it.

It's very similar to PTSD. Even her description you typed in above is Classic PTSD. You wouldn't  take a soldiers PTSD responses personally, right? You would get he is fear based b/c of past trauma. It's no different. You still need boundaries ( you don't let a scared person run amok and call all the shots) and compassion. You don't argue with them.

[moonunit]

MaybeSo, that is interesting you bring up PTSD, she has recently stated that she is sure she suffers from this, and knowing her past i have no reason to doubt her.

I know that usually her outbursts are a consequence of past experiences coupled with an inability to cope with current situations. The times i struggle the most and falter the most is when i get run down and i don't think clearly.

I try to take care of myself ( i know i can and should be doing more in that area ), in the process of me trying to comfort her issues i am doing harm to myself, i get that, just trying to find a way to break my patterns.

I guess i will go back to the Lessons once again.