Weird, but improvement, I think...

[empath]

Whoa, that was weird.

Another conversation this morning, uBPDh recognized that his thoughts were not lining up with what I was saying. He decided that meant that I was having a problem with a 'demon' (it's part of our faith), so he decided to tell that demon in me to be quiet. He felt deceived, so it was something that I did -- or not me, but my problem. I was just trying to communicate truthfully. Eventually, he was able to calm down and talk about the issue in a more rational way.

Anyway, as I've processed this incident, it seems that there is some more awareness of the discrepancies in what is going on in his head and what is going on in the rest of reality. He seems to be trying to sort these things out. Later, we had a productive conversation about my concerns about his alcohol use; it didn't end up with him being defensive or angry about my 'trying to control' him.

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[KateCat]

It's got to be tough for him to have such an intimate witness to his struggles. It seems natural if he has some unacknowledged resentment toward you, if you don't struggle with things like alcohol, anger and depression.

Is there any way you can decline to engage in this particular type of conversation, at least on a regular basis?

[empath]

I think there is resentment as well as feeling like he is somehow not normal. There was a point in the conversation when he said something about me not telling him how I'm struggling with these things and I didn't do a good job at really listening to what he was really saying -- I said well, I don't really struggle with them. He was able to tell me that he felt minimized because of that.

[123Phoebe]

I think there is resentment as well as feeling like he is somehow not normal. There was a point in the conversation when he said something about me not telling him how I'm struggling with these things and I didn't do a good job at really listening to what he was really saying -- I said well, I don't really struggle with them. He was able to tell me that he felt minimized because of that.

Interesting, empath.  I wonder if he feels that maybe you struggle with validating him and his concerns?  Is that where the demon comes in, blocking your interactions in some way?  Or I could be reading way too much into this.

[KateCat]

I think Phoebe has identified something important.

I went back to read your past posts and can see how many years and how many hours you have devoted to listening to your husband and validating him and guiding him as best you can. A number of people in your social life and work life have noticed that your husband suffers from mental health issues, it seems, and at least one has described you as a "source of strength" for your husband.

Which on the surface sounds good, but seems to put you in a delicate position, especially if your husband will not seek professional therapy.

I was just wondering if you could agree to have these intense discussions maybe only once a week or something, in order to have a little personal relief?

[empath]

The demon was earlier in the conversation where he believed that I was not being truthful with him about something that he asked about. He really, really believed something else to be true because it was his experience. The problem has been historically that if I don't feel the same thing as he does, he feels invalidated/wrong/angry/etc. Then, he is blocked from hearing other views.

I would really like to be able to limit these kinds of intense discussions, but it is hard to tell when it is going to get intense. The thing that we were talking about wasn't on the surface really difficult. I've also learned that putting these things off can be a trigger for him as well. His father would put him off, and so, it is a sensitive area for him. His dad was also verbally abusive to him when he disagreed with his dad. Thankfully, he has a full-time job that takes him away for a bit.   

[KateCat]

The not-so-great part is that your husband could still have these struggles twenty years from now. The better part is that you have a fairly stable situation and time to plan for the future.

I hope you keep engaging fully in life and enjoy the exercise of your own strengths and service to the community. Because that will probably be the thing that will allow you to continue in service to your husband's needs, which may remain pretty constant.

In other words, my thought is, don't let him wear you out now, in middle age, because you're going to continue to need your strength when you're older. (Or so I have found. )