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Author Topic: My story of a new relationship with a girl with BPD  (Read 384 times)
Davi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 4


« on: August 16, 2014, 01:11:23 PM »

Hi there,

As a touring musician in a band I meet a lot of people on my travels, I play a lot of festivals and often see familiar faces, some of them become friends and in this particular case something much more.

Id been attracted to Safi since the day I laid eyes on her, it wasn't until we started to talk that I began to really like her, we flirted online and two weeks later I was playing at a festival and Safi was working there and we decided to hook up, it was magic from the very first hug and I quickly became besotted with her and she of me. She told me that she had BPD right at the start, even before we hooked up, she told me she had been sectioned twice and it would be very difficult to be in a relationship with her, I wasn't put off and accepted this not really knowing what to expect, but with an open mind I looked into BPD and we talked about it, everything was cool the only issue was that she lived at the other end of the country and I didnt drive, this wasn't a big issue as I would jump on the train to visit for a few days. The first time I stayed with Safi was great, we had an amazing time together. when I went home she said that she missed me, and I felt exactly the same. The next visit started off great, but by the second or third day I sensed something wrong she said she felt a bit strange but wasn't quite sure what it was, but assured me she was fine. The next few visits had the same pattern, she is a very sexual person but now seemed to rarely come onto me and she told me that she finds it hard for me to be at her home for long periods (4 days+) then away for weeks, although she is fine when we travel around in her camper van, it seems that the problem is in the house.  she told me that she feels over stimulated when im staying in her house and if I lived closer it would be fine because she could just see me then go home if needed.   

A few weeks ago Safi broke her arm and cannot drive, I offered to come and help her out but again she wasnt keen on me being at her house, I offered to stay in the camper van if that would make things better, but she wouldnt have that, I offered for her to come to my house for as long as she likes, but she said the train journey is too long and she wouldnt have a anywhere to go if she had a bad moment, I said its ok lets just wait till your arm is better then you can drive here or we can just go somewhere in the van.

I was playing at a festival the other weekend and for the whole weekend her friends hung out in the van constantly and never gave us anytime together, (I only get to see safi, every few weeks) I mentioned this to her and she said "you are spending time with me, this is what I do" anyway over the weekend I got a bit frustrated with things and we had a bit of a falling out over something silly I shouted and walked off, I later apologised and things where cool. I went home after the weekend and she said sorry for making me feel upset I said it was fine it was my fault as well. This last week she has told me thats shes struggling mentally and its all getting to much, (shes also struggling with her arm as she cant get about) and can we cool it for awhile, cause shes fighting the urge to run away, but really doesnt want to do that as she has never met anyone who wants to love her like I do,  I said of course, concerntrate on getting better physically and mentally, I dont want to make you feel trapped and your well being is the most important thing.  Ive always been very straight about my feeling towards Safi I have never felt this strongly about someone before and I tell her very often how amazing she is and special to me, I give her as much space as she wants and dont get jealous or possessive over her I want her to feel as comfortable as I can, I dont want to lose her but feel like im in limbo at the moment, waiting for her to decide if she is staying or going, I dont mind cooling it off for awhile but i do find it difficult not showing her how I feel about her
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woofhound
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 166


« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2014, 02:48:26 PM »

You struck a lot of chords with me. I am a festival goer, and I met my undiagnosed BPD ex at a festival. God, your post brought up a lot of emotions... .

It's not easy being with someone like that.

I wish I could offer you some magic answer as to what to do, but after three years of emotional turmoil, I can't really say I'm any wiser when it comes to dealing with these issues. In fact, with mine it got more difficult as I began to understand what was going on... .I feel for you man. You love her, but you can never have her, again, if she's anything like the girl I loved. Know this, the more you invest yourself in her, the more she will take... .the more she will abuse and demand. BPDs don't believe in boundaries. She will make herself everything you need her to be, make you believe she is the only girl in your world, then, when the mood strikes, she'll walk out the door. They are always trying to fill a void, and as soon as the void is filled they move on. They need something, and then when they don't need it anymore, it gets discarded. Then, if they need it again and someone else isn't giving it to them, they come back only to repeat the cycle.

I have some questions for you:

1. Does she ever discuss her past or past relationships with you? If so is she avoidant or blame others?

2. This may be too personal, but if drugs are involved, do you see a change in her demeanor? If so, what sort of change?

3. Do you feel that she is already taking up more headspace than previous relationships you've been in?

4. Is she helping you to "heal" yourself in anyway? Like, is helping you through any emotional pain?

At the very least you owe it to yourself to be very, very alert, and educate yourself on how to cope with the behaviors of BPD.

Oh, and another question:

5. What sort of music do you play? (fellow musician here)

Welcome to the family.

-Woofhound

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takingandsending
*******
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2014, 02:14:59 AM »

Hi Davi. There is a lot to learn from this website about pwBPD. Is your girlfriend in therapy of any sort? It's a pretty difficult and serious personality disorder, and I could only echo some of woofhound's sentiments - it would only be fair for you to know if she is actively seeking help for her condition before making a decision on how committed you want to be in this relationship.

My uBPDw was also very sexual at the start of our RS, and she flattered the heck out of me - I was unlike any other guy she had met, I cared, understood, was sensitive, etc. We have been married for 15 years and together for 18 years with 2 young children together. Shortly after we had first met and dated, she became less and less physically intimate with me and then halted altogether (with the exception of when she wanted to conceive children). I better understand now that I was in the push/pull cycle early on and just didn't know any better what was happening. Ultimately, our communications disintegrated into a pattern of verbal abuse and blame that I am just now starting to dig out from under, and intimacy of any kind (physical, emotional, spiritual) is nearly completely missing from our RS.

A pwBPD often has such poorly defined boundaries that they truly do not know where they stop and you begin, and as woofhound noted, this is experienced by me and others living pwBPD as not respecting and trashing any boundaries that you may have. Ultimately, they are desperate for someone to help them define themselves, but it can't be done unless they choose to take on the hard work themselves. If your girlfriend is not in active therapy, really trying to work with her illness, it might be a rough road for you both. Check out the lesson links on the right border of this page. If you are committed to trying to make this work, you will really need to be very clear on your own core values, develop consistent clear boundaries for communication (sometimes self protection  ) and learn how to validate her in a loving way that does not unintentionally validate her invalid expressions, or invalidate her valid expressions.

I wish you the best. It is a deeply personal decision to make, as in any relationship. Please continue to post here and let us know how you are doing. Hopefully, the moderators will chime in for you - they all have a lot of experience and can point you in a positive direction.

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Davi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2014, 05:41:34 AM »

I have some questions for you:

1. Does she ever discuss her past or past relationships with you? If so is she avoidant or blame others?

2. This may be too personal, but if drugs are involved, do you see a change in her demeanor? If so, what sort of change?

3. Do you feel that she is already taking up more headspace than previous relationships you've been in?

4. Is she helping you to "heal" yourself in anyway? Like, is helping you through any emotional pain?

Woofhound

Hi Woofhound

1. Sometimes, she had a bad time in most releationships, also bad marriage.

2. Not often, occasionally as I do. Havent really noticed much of a change

3. I think about her all the time

4. Ive found that ive healed a lot of my problems, or at least put deamons to rest.

Hi takingandgiving

Yes she is diagnosed and is on various meds, she has been through councilling and support etc in the past 

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free-n-clear
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Not to be resuscitated.
Posts: 564



« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2014, 10:09:07 AM »

 Welcome  Hi, Davi. I'd like to join with woofhound and takingandsending in welcoming you.

   As t&s says, there are some specific tools - communication, validation, boundaries and timeout - that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. The senior members here on the Staying board are very good at helping apply these tools. The lessons t&s mentioned are based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.

   The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship is a 'workshop' you'll find helpful, and I'd encourage you to also watch this short video: Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD. There are many similar resources here, and you're among understanding friends, so Welcome Aboard!

   free'n'clear. 
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Davi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2014, 11:03:51 AM »

Welcome  Hi, Davi. I'd like to join with woofhound and takingandsending in welcoming you.

Hi free n' clear

I read through the do's and don'ts and to be honest we dont really argue much, we are in a cooling off stage as she says she need sometime to think as things are getting too much, she says she doesnt want to run away but needs some time.

She has a broken arm at the moment so she isnt driving so I wont see her for a few weeks. she finds it overstimulating when im in her house for long periods of time so im not able to stay with her while she recovers from the injury.

She still talks to me if I text, and im cool with this time out thing, I send the odd message saying "good morning" and "hows things" etc but I dont bombard her with messages and ive took out some of the cute stuff out of the messages and refrain from telling her how much she means to me and stuff like that, I find that part hard as I have a lot of emotion for her. I really want this to work, she hasn't really done any of the bad things to me like the things ive read that some other people with BPD do to partners. its the feeling of limbo and waiting that frightens me as if its me who will be dumped. I know deep down she likes me very much shes struggling a bit at the moment.  Hehe sounds more like im the one with BPD


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