thought I would share this

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

One of my SS's (ex's from her first marriage) is getting married next year. I was helping him fix his car the other day. He apparently had some things happen between his uBPDmom and his fiance a few weeks ago. He thought about it and decided his plan. I am invited to the wedding and so is his mom. He has no relationship with his bio dad. I am unsure if ex alienated them or it is for other reasons. Anything is possible after the serious alienation tactics she tried against our two biochildren and me.

Anyway he decided he is talking to his mom and this is his plan. He is going to have a pre wedding practice and dinner. Ex and I will be there. It will be a few days before the wedding. His mom will be told ahead of time that if she "tries any passive/ aggressive bulls*** against me at the practice/dinner she will be uninvited to the wedding". First I was speechless and then I simply said "do you realize how much energy is on that third rail?" We talked about a lot after that and he really does get his mom. He basically said that is his boundary. 

[david]

One of my SS's (ex's from her first marriage) is getting married next year. I was helping him fix his car the other day. He apparently had some things happen between his uBPDmom and his fiance a few weeks ago. He thought about it and decided his plan. I am invited to the wedding and so is his mom. He has no relationship with his bio dad. I am unsure if ex alienated them or it is for other reasons. Anything is possible after the serious alienation tactics she tried against our two biochildren and me.

Anyway he decided he is talking to his mom and this is his plan. He is going to have a pre wedding practice and dinner. Ex and I will be there. It will be a few days before the wedding. His mom will be told ahead of time that if she "tries any passive/ aggressive bulls*** against me at the practice/dinner she will be uninvited to the wedding". First I was speechless and then I simply said "do you realize how much energy is on that third rail?" We talked about a lot after that and he really does get his mom. He basically said that is his boundary. 

[Aussie JJ]

Thankyou for sharing this David. 

I have a young nearly 3 yo son and my worry is that he will be alienated as I can already see happening from me.  Even though he isn't you bio son, stories like this give me hope. 

[david]

MY ex used serious alienation tactics against me when she left in 2007. A few months after she left she dropped our two boys off at my place. They walked in the house and in unison said, " We hate you. We want to live with mom and never see you again." They were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. I read as much as I could on BPD. I found a T for me after several tries. I was proactive with our boys and never reacted to ex's stuff in front of them. Our oldest started to see things differently around 10. That 1.5 years was not the best or easiest. Along the way I did see signs things could get better. Our youngest was around 8 when he finally stopped accusing me of things I didn't do.

Today they are 15 and 11. We get along great and they both trust that I am looking out for their best interest. Ex is st`ill in the alienation mode but it just isn't effective anymore. In fact, it is just pushing our boys away from her. They see her actions and behaviors for what they are. I don't think she sees it at all.

[PinkieV]

My DH saw his boys, 18 and 14, last summer for the first time in years. SS18 was very cautious, but saw quickly that we are calm, responsible parents who do what we say we'll do and follow through. SS14 has hung on to the martyr mom mindset, but also acknowledges he's happier and more secure with us.

SS18 joined the Army and will leave for boot camp in the fall. He recently deleted his FB account because his uBPDmom stalked him on it, and showed up uninvited at his induction. He just opened a new account and asked everyone to use caution so she doesn't find out. He calls her by her first name, and I'm his SoCal mom. He's completely over her and has learned to set boundaries for his own good.

Thankfully, we live two states away from her, and SS14 has limited contact right now. We started family counseling once a month with his regular counselor, and he's learning how much my DH tried to keep in contact, and even acknowledges at times that his mom purposely kept his dad away. We told him in the beginning we'd never speak badly about her, but that he needed the whole story to make up his own mind.

He's excited to start high school tomorrow and is really blossoming. We'll continue to be a stable home and influence for both the boys and let them decide what their own boundaries are.

[whirlpoollife]

Thank you for sharing your story, david. It gives me hope for in the years to come.  I still hear and see the GAL telling me that the kids told him they don't want to live with me at all.  I'm on guard and watchful still as kids have their dad on a pedestal but they don't hate me as he had them once doing.

[david]

I have 4 SS's from ex's first marriage. All boys. The oldest has a serious substance abuse issue and doesn't talk to me or his brothers. The next two get along fine with me. One is very LC with his mom. He is the one getting married. The other is NC and has been for at least 6 years now. The youngest has substance abuse issues and doesn't talk to anyone. He used to see his mom but she stopped giving him money. Once that happened he disappeared. I reached out to him several times (still do) and so did two of his brothers but none of us have ever ever heard from him.

Our two boys get along very well with the two SS's that are close to me. We go on vacations together during the summer. We get together during school on a regular basis. I know ex is very angry about that because my biokids have told me what their mom has said to them about it. She uses words like ___holes, bast****,ungrateful, you get the drift. The SS girlfriends are both b******.

I suspect ex will not be at the wedding because when SS talks to her she will explode. I would bet the house on that. I know her a lot better then she knows herself and she will go from calm (before he talks to her) to immediate rage (when he talks to her). It will not be pretty. After he leaves and she calms down she will never acknowledge, apologize, etc.

[PinkieV]

David, I think about future events like these all the time. BM refused to let SS get baptized when he was 17 if we came. She was only letting him do it to keep him in line. We graciously wished him well and did not come, but celebrated with him later.

She stalked him and figured out who his recruiter was, then showed up to be the proud, patriotic mom. The week before she has having a meltdown saying he was ruining his life. After the ceremony, she posted "he just wanted his mom there".  She's so deluded.

Milestones in their adult lives will be a constant challenge. Their younger half sister is a clone of BM, so I only see this getting worse as she hits her teen years. We want to celebrate too damn it!  But it's more important that the boys know we will not intentionally exacerbate the situation.

[NorthernGirl]

Hi David. Occasionally DH and I talk about these big events as well. We know based on the experiences of grads, birthdays and other special occasions that a wedding will be a big deal for DH's ex. We can expect lots of drama and manipulation.

At one grad dinner, DH and I changed places with his ex and her brother in between the main course and dessert. DH's ex had called SS24 in a panic an hour before the dinner to tell him that she needed to spend equal time at his table and the one his brothers were at (where we were seated) so SS24 asked us to accommodate her. At the dinner she looked like she was about to explode as she started frantically waving at us when she was done her main. DH and his kids got very tense as I still had food on my plate (we had got our food later than her table.) I just got up with DH and we changed places, listening as she loudly pronounced how the kids just all wanted equal time with their mother. I found it all quite bizarre (at the time, I didn't know about BPD) mostly because I couldn't understand how they were all trying to keep her happy when the meal only lasted one hour. 

I think all the boys would have a hard time telling their mom she couldn't come to their wedding. I'm secretly hoping if any of the kids chose to marry, they elope and then have small celebrations after the fact where we can just congratulate the couple with our friends and family! Is that wrong? 

Please keep us posted on how your SS situation all plays out as I'll be interested.

[david]

I actually offered to just go to the wedding and leave after that. He was adamant about that not happening. He wants me at the entire event. We have a pre wedding practice with dinner, the wedding, and after we are all going to a hotel so we can get up in the morning to have breakfast together with the new couple. I can't picture this going well with ex there too.

On top of that ex and I have two boys (15 and 11) that will also be at the wedding. I haven't discussed the particulars with SS. I suspect they will be seated at a table with other kids. If not that will be a dilemna. S15 doesn't get along with his mom that well. If he was seated with his mom he would quickly sit with me. S 11 would follow shortly after that. S11 avoids her and stays under the radar when he is with her. Ex will want to show that the two boys love her and she loves them.

We recently finished a custody eval and the evaluator talked to both boys by themselves. Ex and I then had a joint meeting that the evaluator wanted to discuss things the boys talked about. He said the entire meeting would be about what they discussed. He said that he was going to concentrate on the things that he found concerning. The meeting was an hour. I just sat there and listened the entire time. He never talked to me. One thing that really stood out (there were many things)  was that the evaluator asked each boy to describe a typical day with their dad and a typical day with their mom. He then looked at ex and said both boys described a typical day at their moms and never once mentioned her. He asked ex for input. She had nothing. He then explained that their description at their dads was very different. Dad would wake them up, they would eat breakfast together, they would do homework and dad would check it, they would go out places, etc... .It was eye opening for me even though they have described the same thing to me before. Hearing from a complete stranger made me feel sorry for them and her but it is what it is.

[gherkins]

I actually offered to just go to the wedding and leave after that. He was adamant about that not happening. He wants me at the entire event. We have a pre wedding practice with dinner, the wedding, and after we are all going to a hotel so we can get up in the morning to have breakfast together with the new couple. I can't picture this going well with ex there too.

David, you are an incredibly sensitive and caring dad. All of your kids are lucky to have you. I sincerely hope everything goes off with a minimum of drama and the happy couple has a wonderful wedding.