The status of our relationship

[Samuel S.]

It is very important for all of us, whether we are nonBPDs or BPDs, to pursue our dreams so that we have the best life possible. While I am a firm believer in this, how does this fit in, in terms of having a relationship? How do you pursue your dreams while still honoring and valuing your relationship?

With my BPDw, for the last couple of years, she has focused exclusively and to practically the exclusion of our relationship on different things. When I have shared with her that she has gone from one extreme to the other, she told me that I am right, but there is no compromise that she is willing to make. She also has been degrading and neglectful, because she has to do her studies, even during the summer when she does not have classes.

So, while I do have my own joys, my BPDw knows that I honor and value our relationship, that nothing and nobody will come before our relationship. She actually convinced me of this herself early in our relationship, that my first wife did not honor and value it, but my BPDw did. Oh really? That and many other things convinced me that she was the one for me.

Granted, people can change, but to what degree? In the meantime, while professionally I enjoy what I am doing, I have always put our relationship first, no matter what. She obviously does not and will not. The result is that I am lonely in this relationship. Ironic, huh?

She says that it is ONLY a 4 year program for her college studies on a part-time basis, but even before this latest phase, there were other groups that she was involved with, because she considered them "family". Then, what am I? I guess I am a "has been"?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Samuel S.]

What prompted this even more so lately is because my BPDw spent overnight last night out of town at a women's retreat. She is now spending the night here. Tomorrow, she and her D17 are going out of town for 4 days. To her credit, she did prepare some meals for me, but I could have done that. What gets to me more than anything else is that besides working part-time during the summer, she has devoted the rest of the time to studying. I suggested that we do things together, but she said she has had no time. Now, she is making the time to do what she wants. I respect her need to want to have time for her D17, and that is very important. Yet, am I not important enough, too, for even a date? BTW, we haven't even done that! That is why I have a whole bunch of different sad and angry emotions.

While they are out of town, I will be enjoying myself, but I am also being paid, but again, I would have freely given it up, if she were to have consented to having some time with me. I don't want an equal amount of time, and I am not trying to compete with her D17, because their relationship is different. Yet, SOME time would have been nice. BTW, she starts a week from Monday with her new schoolwork again.

[123Phoebe]

It is very important for all of us, whether we are nonBPDs or BPDs, to pursue our dreams so that we have the best life possible. While I am a firm believer in this, how does this fit in, in terms of having a relationship? How do you pursue your dreams while still honoring and valuing your relationship?



So, while I do have my own joys, my BPDw knows that I honor and value our relationship, that nothing and nobody will come before our relationship.

Sometimes the two dreams don't mesh.  If your values don't align with her dreams, then your goals might be entirely different. 

This is the Staying board, Samuel.  So, the 'advice' you get might not be the best advice for what you are struggling with.  If someone were to tell me that it would behoove me to do this that and the other concerning my exh... .?  I'd feel totally confused.  Exh knew that I valued stability, that I also valued the right for people to be who they are... .  He would use those things against me.  Or did I use them against myself?  I was the stable one, bringing in a steady income, while he more and more pursued his dream, until I couldn't support both of our dreams.  We didn't share the same goals.  Our dreams collided.  We divorced.

With SO, we're not intertwined in the same way.  We enjoy a lot of the same things, we find the time and ways to nurture each other, to support each other in endeavors, but not to the detriment of ourselves.  I don't value our relationship over and above everything else.  He adds to my life, he isn't my life.

Maybe think about it this way... .  If your W was no longer your W, what would you miss most?  How and in what ways does W add to your life? 

[Samuel S.]

123Phoebe, I appreciate your feedback, and I would like to address some things that you have stated.

First, seeing that this is the Staying Board and seeing that it has been a struggle for me whether to stay or to leave, I will post from now on on the Staying or Leaving Board.

Secondly, relationships evolve, although the basis of relationships, such as love, mutual respect, and honor, is going to be important to maintain. Also, the word relationship means to relate, but not to impose in any way on another. Otherwise, that is purely restricting and unhealthy. I honor and value my BPDw's need to improve herself to be happy. On the other hand, she makes attempts virtually every day to make snide remarks dishonoring and "disvaluing" me in terms of how I look, how I feel, what I do, and what I do not do. She has been degrading and neglectful to me. I, on the other hand, only honor and value her. So, that is why it is extremely hurtful and depressing to me when I only give her love, support, respect, and validation.

So, you ask what would I miss about my BPDw? Let's put it this way. Even though she is getting some kind of "therapy" from this "medium-counselor" and even though she is feeling better about herself, she now has an superiority complex, that she is always right, etc., etc. So, I most certainly would not miss this aspect about her at all! As for adding to my life, that was only at the beginning of our relationship when she convinced me that she was the right one for me. BTW, a friend of mine who is like a sister tried to convince me before I married my BPDw, that she wasn't quite sure about her. My friend told my BPDw this, and she will not talk with her at all. Years later, my friend is right and is very concerned. I guess I wouldn't miss the pain that she has given me throughout the years when all I ever gave her is my love.

[MaybeSo]

Hi Samuel.

There is a very good interview with Bruce Tift LMFT entitled Intimacy Is Not The Same as Closeness.  You can find it on youtube at

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxja6vpBPDk

It's a very good, thoughtful interview with a licensed therapist who also has a Buddhist practice/philosophy, and he does a very good job of melding both western therapy with eastern spiritual concepts.  :)BT does this, too.

The therapist, Bruce Tift,  explains that whenever he hears a person complaining that they are lonely or want more closeness from their partner, that the opposite energy is likely  'alive' in the person wanting more closeness.   He has a very good way of bringing our complaints back to the 'self' and exploring them in a very different light.  This interview in particular... .highlights the issues you are posting about regarding feeling lonely b/c your wife is so very busy and distancing.  The interview is about 40-50 minutes.  I think it's a VERY worthwhile watch if you find the time.  I certainly found it very helpful in terms of some of my complaints about my partner.  I've have actually watched it many times, I find it that helpful.  

[123Phoebe]

There is a very good interview with Bruce Tift LMFT entitled Intimacy Is Not The Same as Closeness.  You can find it on youtube at

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxja6vpBPDk

It's a very good, thoughtful interview with a licensed therapist who also has a Buddhist practice/philosophy, and he does a very good job of melding both western therapy with eastern spiritual concepts.  :)BT does this, too.

The therapist, Bruce Tift,  explains that whenever he hears a person complaining that they are lonely or want more closeness from their partner, that the opposite energy is likely  'alive' in the person wanting more closeness.   He has a very good way of bringing our complaints back to the 'self' and exploring them in a very different light.  This interview in particular... .highlights the issues you are posting about regarding feeling lonely b/c your wife is so very busy and distancing.  The interview is about 40-50 minutes.  I think it's a VERY worthwhile watch if you find the time.  I certainly found it very helpful in terms of some of my complaints about my partner.  I've have actually watched it many times, I find it that helpful.  

Hi MaybeSo

Just finished watching the interview with Bruce Tift and WOW!  It really brings it all back home.  What a treat.  Thanks so much for posting the link

[MaybeSo]

123Pheobe…

I’m so glad you liked it!  I just loved it. I hope others take a moment to check it out…I think this kind of frame is just so useful.

[ziniztar]

at first you had my curiosity

now you have my attention 

[ziniztar]

Yeah OK I need to let that sink in for a while. Very informative and hitting the nail on the head if you look at what I am going through.  

PS I like what he says at the end, that growth is best possible when in a relationship where most of your fears are provoked. It's what I've said to my dBPDbf when we got together and both explained our known issues to each other: "I can stay alone for another 5 years but I don't think I will learn what I have to learn while being alone. I need to be in an intimate relationship to work through the final issues."

I've been able to "fix" my behaviour, expectations and issues with friends, close friends, even my father... but my two brothers and bf are now the most difficult one to tackle. I think we're in the midst of that right now. If for some reason we do not end up together in the future, this is what he brought to the table and I can be thankful for that.

[MaybeSo]

If for some reason we do not end up together in the future, this is what he brought to the table and I can be thankful for that.

Yes... .I can relate to this a lot... .This is pretty much how I frame my relationship experience, now, too.  I have learned so much by going through this difficult, very triggering r/s with this person.  I have benefitted and learned so much... .regardless of whether we stay together or not.