I want to try again

[hark]

So, when I joined, I was so full of hurt I didn't know if I wanted to stay or leave. Thanks to you wonderful people, I've purged some of that hurt; learned a lot about BPD, and I'm now working on learning the skills that are listed in the "Lessons" post. I've also been watching many of the Fruzzetti videos on youtube. A lot of my misery has lifted, and I feel like I am now in a compassionate, newly-understanding place regarding my uBPDbf. Right now I want to stay and work on our relationship.

MaybeSo, if you read this post, I want you to know that your analogy of the little green men has helped so much. Thank you!

My question is, how do I initiate contact?

My bf (ex?) broke up with me two months ago. He has broken up with me at least a dozen times in our four year relationship. I have never broken up with him. Some breakups have lasted months, others only days. In the past, I've always done my best to maintain some sort of minimal contact with him via email or text. This time I have done the same, but (except for the first week) I have kept it very short and basic - usually just asking how my bird and his cats are, sometimes also asking how he is. He has not responded in a month.

I've been struggling with wondering if he has decided this is the end for him or not. He has a choice too, and I don't want to force something to happen if the relationship is truly dead in his heart. He does still have a LOT of my belongings, as well as my bird, and he hasn't responded to my requests for those things. We are both huge animal advocates, and he absolutely knows I will not walk away from my bird, so that has been dangling all this time.

This morning I had an email from a lady in the UK who is studying my great-grandmother. She had contacted my bf and they exchanged a flurry of emails and information. (genealogy is a hobby for my bf) The lady forwarded some of those emails, and I was pleased to see how much time and effort he had put into collecting and sending the information about my great-grandmother. After sending everything he had, he gave her my contact information and told her he was sure I would be overjoyed to hear what she had to say about my great-grandmother.

I feel like I know my bf well enough to assume that he would have just deleted the email from the lady if he was still painting me black. He's notorious for throwing away photos, love-letters, etc. And deleting any evidence of me when he's in his hate mode.

I think this might be a good time for me to reach out, but I don't know how to do it this time. I want to do it properly. He is probably still thinking that I cheated on him (I didn't), and is likely struggling with feeling betrayed and abandoned.

I want to do this right. I want to use the BPD skills set out in the Lessons post. I DO NOT want to do it wrong and risk starting off on the wrong foot again. It's just so new that I would really like some examples and advice on this.

He's not going to be the one to reach out. He never has. I don't think he has the ability.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hark]

I guess what I'm asking here is should I use DEARMAN?

I will have to reach out via email. Since it won't be in person, I will have to use all of those components with the written word. Should I use all of DEARMAN, or only some of it? Should I use SET to acknowledge the reason why he's not communicating?

Or should I use something else as an icebreaker.

Do I even acknowledge the reason he's not speaking (thinks I have cheated), or do I completely ignore that factor.

I don't want to screw it up and make things worse.

[123Phoebe]

Hi hark

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and the situation you're in.  Hope you're having a good day.  This stuff is hard when we're not getting much to go on from our person with BPD, no doubt. 

Hang in there