Stress levels ramps up

[NorthernGirl]

DH and I were in a bit of a reprieve from high drama and stress for almost a year. DH's ex (UBPD) moved away and we all breathed a little sigh. Their three sons (20, 22 and 24) all seemed to be doing okay. But these past few weeks, things have taken a turn. 

SS22, an addict with depression/anxiety, recently announced he's on a stress leave from the job he's had for a year. He told DH he has gone into a deep depression. DH took him to a doctor and he was prescribed an anti-depressant. After another visit, the doctor suggested SS22 go into a treatment center, which tells us that his drinking and drug use has gotten out of hand again. He has still not come to grips with his addiction (he and his mother say he just went through a "phase".

In the past, some of SS22's Ts have said he likely needs to deal with his relationship with his mom before he can address his addiction. I don't think he's ready to talk about that quite yet. As a teenager he was enmeshed with his mom, was her golden child, then was painted black when he wanted to live with DH and has been in and out of favour with her ever since. The good news is that SS22 is admitting his depression and drug use to DH and is willing to talk about it. That hasn't always been the case.

SS20, who has special needs, just had a fantastic year. He went to a program at a college in a nearby city that helped him transition into the workforce. He had a GF, lived fairly independently, and now has a job. As I recently posted, DH's ex has announced she is moving to the city SS20 is living (she doesn't know anyone else there.) She says he can't ride his bike to work because it is too dangerous. DH is in arbitration with her about this.

After the first arbitration session, DH's ex emailed the arbitrator saying he is in conflict so can't continue in his role. She found some connection between one of DH's lawyers and this arbitrator, likely through her brother who is a lawyer. The arbitrator (a former judge who she selected) responded saying he sees no conflict. DH had written into the arbitration agreement that both of them have to agree to terminate any arbitrator.

DH's ex submitted a long report to the arbitrator which outlined how DH has long hurt SS20 by expecting him to be independent. She said several times in the report that SS20 has said "Mom, you think I'm stupid." He has been saying this about his mom to us lately but we didn't know he was also saying it directly to her. I'm guessing his standing up for himself is difficult on her. He's pretty torn on having her come to his city and phones DH daily. Her report also said she contacted the guardianship office and told them DH had told SS20 to ride his bike on the highway (his route is not near the highway) so they advised her to step in.

SS24 has been doing fantastic. But last week he told us that he has a medical issue and so is going through a series of tests. The day he came to tell us, DH was doing the arbitration session (which he didn't tell SS24 about) so was not very available. DH felt bad later since SS24 rarely asks for time from him.

All this happening at once just feels like how we were living a few years ago -- going from crisis to crisis. DH has scheduled a T appointment and is good at talking things out with me. Being able to post here with people who understand is my therapy.  . Thanks for those who took the time to read this.

[david]

DH made a good move by having it in writing that the arbitrator can't be terminated without both parties consent. My take is ex figured out quickly that she couldn't make arbitrator do what she wants. My ex is real good at that too.

We just finished a custody eval recently and ex actually threatened the evaluator with her atty. I sat there in amazement. Ex threatened and attacked him verbally (tried to bully him) for several minutes and the evaluator handled her very well. He literally stood up and took a step towards her and calmly explained the way things are.

Don't let the chaos throw you guys off.

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks David. Yes, she has fired a long line of lawyers, mediators and the kids' therapists. A couple because she slipped and raged at them. Mostly she just didn't like the logic they provided.

DH is trying to stay focused. It was interesting that when he read in the report that SS20 had stood up to his mom, it helped DH realize that he needed to keep backing up his son. If SS20 can take his mom's rage to defend his independence, DH can sit through an hour session where at least the mediator will step in if his ex loses it.   

Thanks for the support.

[david]

Standing up to his mom is a big deal. I think that is one of the things that kids get hurt by when they have a controling parent. They learn to give in to avoid the consequences and that is not healthy in the long run. Good for him.

[david]

The thing I began to get. If the mediator or therapist is good I noticed when my ex dysregulates, attacks, gets passive/aggresive and I just sit there and stare at the wall they do step in. If I do that with a bad mediator or therapist it usually goes on way to long. In that situation I have to wait for ex to run out of steam and address the original issue and nothing else. If ex goes off again I simply look at the mediator or therapist and explain I believe this is unproductive and think it best for me to leave. I then wait for their response and make my decision based on that. I no longer try to defend myself except to say what ex is saying is simply untrue. If I have proof, but not with me, I offer to bring it the next time.

In the beginning I used to try to defend myself and just got confused by ex's antics. I would forget what the original issue was and tried to follow everything ex was saying.

I learned this method years ago when I had a retail business. A customer would walk in screaming and irate. They would go on about all kinds of things. It became white noise to me. When the volume went down I would then pay attention. That was usually when I got all the info I needed. I never took it personally because, to be honest, they were acting like a nutcase. Oftentimes they purchased something from somewhere else and it didn't fix their problem. I would look in the bag and pull out the receipt. Explain that we were not  so and so and we could not help them with the item they purchased from there. Rarely did they apologise. They simply grabbed their things and stormed out of my place. Angry people make no sense.

[NorthernGirl]

Well DH's ex realized she couldn't fire the arbitrator, so she has now withdrawn from the mediation. In other words, she doesn't want to do another session when she thinks the arbitrator isn't on her side, so she is giving up.

This is good on a few fronts. Clearly she was frustrated by the logic provided by the arbitrator so she may think twice trying this process again. And if she does try it again, the arbitrator has a good example of how she operates. She was in a panic to get the arbitration going, sent a long "report" blaming DH for everything, went into full drama mode at the first session and realized the arbitrator wasn't buying it all. She then tried to dismiss the arbitrator and when that didn't work, she ended mediation.

Unfortunately, SS22 isn't doing well. It is clear he has relapsed but is saying he is scared to go into treatment. And so we wait.