Division of resources

[Bear60]

What is everyone's opinion on this?

When I talk about resources it is finances, time, chores

When two individuals unit as one then the unit shares equally.

If the unit is divided into mine and yours then how should the resources be divided? Would the required amount of resources to operate the unit be divided and contributed too 50/50 and any excess on either party be their own?

What if one party brings into the unit additional individuals; children, pets etc.? Would the required amount of resources to operate the unit still be divided 50/50 or would the individual who brings in the additional responsibilities need to contribute a larger share?

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[maxsterling]

I'm going to give an answer that will likely frustrate you... ."It depends."

I say that because it really depends upon the individuals involved and what they are capable of.  I think demanding 50% or "fairness" just leads to turmoil because both sides will eventually feel they got cheated.  Just think of siblings and chores, both will claim the other has it too easy.   Or better yet, a team of employees - every single person on the team will probably claim that he/she is doing all the work! Ideally, a better strategy would be a negotiated process depending on the individuals and specific circumstances, and if one person thinks things are lopsided, perhaps a better division of resources can be negotiated. 

May I assume you are asking because you feel like the pwBPD in your life is not meeting you halfway?  Unfortunately, that seems to be a core trait of BPD that I have had to learn to accept.  No, I don't agree that it is fair, but that's the way it is.  I do 90+% of all household duties.  95% of the shared household expenses are paid by me.  It also feels like I am being asked to make most of the decisions.  While I don't consider that a healthy balance, I do accept that's the nature of BPD, and I must accept that is the way it is right now, and I can work on getting things back into better balance, but the reality is I will probably always be responsible for the majority in this relationship. 

A better balance for me would mean having less tasks that I am responsible for, not necessarily less work.  My stress seems to come from the number of things on my mind.  If my only task was to mow the lawn, and I had 4 acres and it took me 8 hours every saturday, that would be much easier for me to mentally handle than if I had 10 tasks that took a half hour each, even though the 10 tasks took lest time total. 

[empathic]

Good question. I don't have any clear answer.

During the first years of our relationship I made the most money, and paid most of the bills according to a system. That worked fairly well. My wife then got a large inheritance, and of course then that system went out the window, and we do not have joint finances anymore. Sad to say, that left me with some bitterness.

Like both of you mention there are more resources than money - time, emotional investment, whatnot. I have yet to get any appreciation for the time I put into household chores, in my wife's special mathematics domain anything less than 100% seems to equal 0%.

I agree with you @maxsterling about number of tasks. My wife is good at creating a load of things that need to get done. Back when I was living alone, I tried to live very simple, and that was easier on the mind.

[Inquisitive1]

You are unlikely to achieve a perfect 50/50 split in any relationship. With a BPD, you are likely to have contribute more, this mental illness impairs their functioning. I can live with that as long as I see effort and some degree of equity.

One of the things I'm working on accepting right now is that if I stay with my dBPDw, it will NOT be a relationship of equals, I will be in a partial care-taking role.