Took uBPDh/he's not liking my boundaries...

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I had serious doubts, and wasn't really ready to let him come back home, but he didn't seem to be doing great "alone". I guess I shouldn't have cared so much about HIM. That seems to always be my downfall. I worry more about him, than I do myself in lots of cases.

I'd put up with so much, and while he was gone I realized, I really don't have to do that. What is the worst that can happen if I don't? He'll leave? So what, I did mostly okay when he was gone. Other than the normal sadness, and worries you have during a break up. Fear in a way kept me hostage to him and his threats.

So I told him he could come back, but he'd have to respect my new boundaries, and I'm not going to be killing myself trying anymore, doing all the compromising, or be willing to take the verbal abuse and belittling and mocking anymore. I told him that I gave our marriage my all, and in return got abuse, and that now the onus is on him, and frankly he has a lot to prove. And after the cruelty I've put up with, he has lots of room for improvement, and I'm of course skeptical.

He's only been back a few days, and on day two he was right back to not compromising. My tolerance is low, I didn't really even want him back, and I'm just not up to battling. I assumed(silly me), that all his promises, and emails where he said he'd do what it takes to get me back, and come home, that that meant HE was willing to compromise occasionally. And I only really ask him to when it means a lot to me, or when it's something he is doing that is clearly, clearly not working(and it affects me). He ended up getting angry, and he mocked me.

I was so mad(and I don't usually get mad), but I still calmly told him through my tears, that he'd promised to not mock me anymore, and that I'd like him to leave. I was so let down, and it really made me regret thinking he is anywhere near ready to work on his issues.

He views our problems as marriage issues. They are not marriage issues... .he has some form of personality disorder. He did go to a psychiatrist, and I guess in 20 minutes time was told he likely has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I disagree, but whatever. He was given two drugs. I'm sure he'll say they have some side effect and stop taking them, just like he did last time. I hope not, but he just doesn't want to take anything. I was all for marriage therapy, and I'll probably agree to go, but we've gone before, and I quit because only I was doing the work. I think these drugs, and a better therapist for him would have a better chance of helping.

His therapist doesn't push him, doesn't seem to have any goals for his therapy, and I feel she interfered in getting uBPDh to stop taking his meds prescribed by his family doctor... .she even emailed his doctor. His getting prescribed those meds, and the things his doctor said to him, was the first time I've had hope for us in a very long time, and I feel she took that away. She didn't advise him to follow up with his doctor even. Isn't that strange? She's been sort of anti drug for him all along. I feel they have an oddly co dependent type relationship almost?

I got so upset and disgusted when he mocked me again, and got upset and refused to compromise, that I packed all his stuff while he was briefly gone to the store. I can't believe I'm the same woman who used to BEG him to stay, not threaten me with leaving, and basically be devastated by his lack of loyalty and effort. I feel like I got a taste of freedom from his rages, and unbending attitude, and just wanted him gone again.

I know there should be a balance, and I know someday if we work out, it will again go back to ME doing the bulk of the compromising(and I'm okay with that, but I'll never again do ALL the compromising), but for now, I told him if he wants us to work, it needs to be him showing me that he is capable of compromise, and capable of really working on the abusive nature of his treatment of me. I'm done with him always getting his way, and not even being thankful for it.

I didn't allow him to come home, just to be in the same predicament. How do I keep my boundaries strong, because he is already testing them?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Well, I had serious doubts, and wasn't really ready to let him come back home, but he didn't seem to be doing great "alone". I guess I shouldn't have cared so much about HIM. That seems to always be my downfall. I worry more about him, than I do myself in lots of cases.

I'd put up with so much, and while he was gone I realized, I really don't have to do that. What is the worst that can happen if I don't? He'll leave? So what, I did mostly okay when he was gone. Other than the normal sadness, and worries you have during a break up. Fear in a way kept me hostage to him and his threats.

So I told him he could come back, but he'd have to respect my new boundaries, and I'm not going to be killing myself trying anymore, doing all the compromising, or be willing to take the verbal abuse and belittling and mocking anymore. I told him that I gave our marriage my all, and in return got abuse, and that now the onus is on him, and frankly he has a lot to prove. And after the cruelty I've put up with, he has lots of room for improvement, and I'm of course skeptical.

He's only been back a few days, and on day two he was right back to not compromising. My tolerance is low, I didn't really even want him back, and I'm just not up to battling. I assumed(silly me), that all his promises, and emails where he said he'd do what it takes to get me back, and come home, that that meant HE was willing to compromise occasionally. And I only really ask him to when it means a lot to me, or when it's something he is doing that is clearly, clearly not working(and it affects me). He ended up getting angry, and he mocked me.

I was so mad(and I don't usually get mad), but I still calmly told him through my tears, that he'd promised to not mock me anymore, and that I'd like him to leave. I was so let down, and it really made me regret thinking he is anywhere near ready to work on his issues.

He views our problems as marriage issues. They are not marriage issues... .he has some form of personality disorder. He did go to a psychiatrist, and I guess in 20 minutes time was told he likely has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I disagree, but whatever. He was given two drugs. I'm sure he'll say they have some side effect and stop taking them, just like he did last time. I hope not, but he just doesn't want to take anything. I was all for marriage therapy, and I'll probably agree to go, but we've gone before, and I quit because only I was doing the work. I think these drugs, and a better therapist for him would have a better chance of helping.

His therapist doesn't push him, doesn't seem to have any goals for his therapy, and I feel she interfered in getting uBPDh to stop taking his meds prescribed by his family doctor... .she even emailed his doctor. His getting prescribed those meds, and the things his doctor said to him, was the first time I've had hope for us in a very long time, and I feel she took that away. She didn't advise him to follow up with his doctor even. Isn't that strange? She's been sort of anti drug for him all along. I feel they have an oddly co dependent type relationship almost?

I got so upset and disgusted when he mocked me again, and got upset and refused to compromise, that I packed all his stuff while he was briefly gone to the store. I can't believe I'm the same woman who used to BEG him to stay, not threaten me with leaving, and basically be devastated by his lack of loyalty and effort. I feel like I got a taste of freedom from his rages, and unbending attitude, and just wanted him gone again.

I know there should be a balance, and I know someday if we work out, it will again go back to ME doing the bulk of the compromising(and I'm okay with that, but I'll never again do ALL the compromising), but for now, I told him if he wants us to work, it needs to be him showing me that he is capable of compromise, and capable of really working on the abusive nature of his treatment of me. I'm done with him always getting his way, and not even being thankful for it.

I didn't allow him to come home, just to be in the same predicament. How do I keep my boundaries strong, because he is already testing them?

Remember to keep your boundaries strong because they are about you... .they are not about your r/s... .they are not about your husband.

You took a big step by bringing him back home.  I commend you for that.  The ability you have displayed to consider what your feelings are screaming at you to do... .and then choose what you think is the right path for your marriage... .for your life is a good quality.  I think it shows a healthy balance. 

All decisions can't be driven by emotion... .just as all can't be driven by thought.  Balance is what is needed.

People that show traits of some sort of PD can be frustrating because they seem to focus on a behavior or thing... .and disregard what we see as reality.  Understanding that they see it differently is hard to do.

I'll try to come back to his later this morning and write more.

Hang in there... .yes he is testing your boundaries.  Please don't think about it in a "plotting" kind of way... .he most likely is doing what comes naturally.  Changing a long term r/s dynamic is hard... .but can be done.