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Author Topic: She's back to work II  (Read 766 times)
maxsterling
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« on: August 18, 2014, 09:27:36 AM »

I thought I would start a new thread, the old one was getting long.

This marks the beginning of her third week.  She's clearly losing motivation, which in some ways is good because that means she isn't obsessing as much.  Unfortunately, she isn't spending her time not obsessing about work actually relaxing.  So Sunday rather than do prep work for the work week, she decided to obsess about wedding invitations (dragging me into it), and then by 4:30, started to panic about how she still had nothing prepared for the week.

On the positive, she was actually able to do some planning, and felt okay about it afterwards. She didn't completely shut down.  The negative is that her pattern of moving from one racing obsession to another will burn her out - guaranteed.  My feeling is that if you are going to procrastinate on what you really need to get done, then choose a distraction activity that is mindless or fun. 

Another positive is that she went to go visit her dad, by herself, and I didn't hear from her all day.  I wouldn't have even thought that was possible any time over the last year.  And she wasn't in a negative mood afterwards!  Afterwards, she went to hang out with a friend, got validation that the last school she taught at truly is hell and that she is not to blame for failing  , and then I went to hang out with her and this friend and we played games and had a relaxing good time.

The Dr. gave her antidepressants and anti anxiety meds last week, and she has been taking them.  She has complained about side effects and says she hates being on meds, but so far hasn't talked about stopping them already.  I'm worried a little about the anti anxiety meds and her possibly abusing them.  She claims they make her feel "high".  Understandable, but I don't think she realizes what those meds are.  I was hoping she would take them only as needed, but so far she has taken at least one pill per day, and asked me to bring them with her when we were hanging out with the friend.  She definitely needs something for anxiety, though, because her anxiety is debilitating and possibly life threatening.  I hope the benefits can outweigh the risks. 
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2014, 01:44:24 PM »

Well some of that sounds really promising and forward-moving, maxsterling  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I just wanted to tell you that my son is on an anti-depressant and anxiety med (Pristiq & Tenex), and does take them every single day (unless he somehow accidentally "forgets". He wasn't prescribed either of them to take "as needed". I think they take time to work, and then if he forgets to take once or twice, they still linger in his system, and then he just starts up again.

And they do increase his well-being and quality of life. Just his experience 

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« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2014, 11:58:44 AM »

Well, the end of week 3, and things seem to be going smother.  She complains of being tired all the time, but not too many complaints about the job.  There have been a few incidents that frustrated her, but she pulled through okay.  Contrast that to last year at this time, when she was constantly complaining about or raging at me, physically abusive, and was in the hospital after 4 weeks teaching. 

She's actually doing quite well ATM, so much so I would estimate she is at 50% positive comments.  That's far better than I have ever seen her. 
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« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2014, 04:19:48 PM »

Wow, Max that is great news!  Nice when things are relatively calm and drama free.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2014, 06:16:41 PM »

Last week she had a run-in with the office staff and the principal regarding copier usage before school.  They told her that she should not be using the copier before school because it distracts the front office staff.  Okay, strange policy, but again I am only hearing one side.  This led to her crying in the copy room, to which the principal and office staff were witness.  Not good.  Principal was then painted black.  I did my best to validate without validating the invalid, but all in all resulted in dysregulation heading my direction.

Last weekend wasn't easy.  I got the constant neediness out of her again, the claims I don't love her, and the negative comments when I was doing things around the house without her.  Needless to say, I was glad to be back at work today.

Now she just called and told me she had a conversation with her principal after school.  According to her, the principal told her that she had a bad attitude and that her other team members had noticed.  Uh oh.  Well, she does have a negative attitude.  That's just her.  And I knew other people would eventually take notice. But, I tried to validate and ask if the principal brought up any specific incidents, to which she said "no".   Needless to say, tonight will probably be rough, require all my validation skills, and probably won't get a chance to watch football



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« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2014, 06:34:53 PM »

Can you watch football at a friend's house?

Something tells me you're going to need your strength in the weeks to come.
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« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2014, 06:49:18 PM »

Can you watch football at a friend's house?

Something tells me you're going to need your strength in the weeks to come.

Well, I could go to a friend's house.  Or a bar across the street.  Or even just sit in my work shop and listen on the radio. But, if I did so I suspect I would get crap for not being there for her after a bad day. In some ways I would agree with that sentiment.  If I was having a rotten day, and I came home and she deiced to do her own thing, I might be hurt (well, actually since she has BPD and is generally not very much of a shoulder to cry on, I might rather be alone).  And that relates to your second point.  I should do my best to preserve the gains of the past few weeks.  She seems to be teetering right now, and an invalidation and she may be back in the hospital. I will need my strength, but I won't get any by going out tonight.
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« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2014, 06:52:35 PM »

How about suggesting going out together to watch the game?   
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« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2014, 06:58:07 PM »

How about suggesting going out together to watch the game?   

Great idea!
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« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2014, 08:52:08 AM »

I should do my best to preserve the gains of the past few weeks.  She seems to be teetering right now, and an invalidation and she may be back in the hospital. I will need my strength, but I won't get any by going out tonight.

I think I get it. You're not primarily a game spectator at the moment because you're actually in this other game--the one of "she's back to work." And you've got a lot of skin in this game.

Here's to having a greater opportunity to relax in a few months!

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« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2014, 07:49:00 PM »

My wife got on some anti-depressant / anti-anxiety drugs recently (buspar and prozac), and did get one warning: They will help anxiety, but will initially make the anxiety worse for a while (week or 2?) before they make it better.

These were for general anxiety, not for acute attacks, which would be more of a panic disorder than an anxiety disorder.

What your wife is taking sounds more like the ones for acute panic attacks... .dunno, but I understand some of those are addictive.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2014, 09:50:49 PM »

I think I get it. You're not primarily a game spectator at the moment because you're actually in this other game--the one of "she's back to work." And you've got a lot of skin in this game.

bingo.  That's the way I feel now.  That if I do anything right now that shakes up the status quo too much in her time of change, things could easily switch from being relatively good to pure hell.  Or, a little sacrifice and patience now may help me out in a few months.

And she hates football, and hates sports in general.  So going out to watch the game with her is not really an option, because all I would hear is how she hates this or hates that, and accuse me of not paying attention to her needs.  What wound up happening is that I watched at home while she worked for awhile.  She kept asking for my help, but she realized she was taking up my time so she insisted that I quit helping her.  Okay!  So I watched the game for a little bit.  Then about halftime, she came in and declared herself bored, and did the passive aggressive  guilt trip - "I'm bored, are you going to be watching the game all night?"  She then started making comments that she wanted to watch tv but would have to watch on her computer (we only have one tv).  So, I told her how long until it was over, she started to watch TV on her computer, and I muted the sound of the game.  I suppose that was a workable compromise.  She did make a few other negative comments, asking "I don't see how you can watch this much football."   My response, "I like football."  I thought that was a good response.  No defending or drawn out explanation.  Short and to the point, and all she needs to know. 

As for her anxiety meds - with her history of addiction, they gave her something non-addictive.  It's a medicine normally prescribed for high blood pressure.  So far, it has helped.
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« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2014, 10:13:58 PM »

My response, "I like football." 

Nice response! My husband similarly disapproves of anything I watch on TV. Recently I was watching an episode of Downton Abbey, and while it's far from my favorite, more snarky fare like Mad Men, I did feel myself getting irritated when he said, "How can anyone live like that?" Smiling (click to insert in post) Thanks to what I have learned from this community, I was able to say, "I think that's what the whole series is about," rather than something more JADEish. 
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« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2014, 12:36:43 PM »

a slow deterioration?  Hanging on by a thread?  OR, is she finding a way to manage?

Some positives lately, relationship wise:  First, when I have been sneezing lately, she's been saying "bless you" instead of "Jesus f'ing Christ".  No joke.  Prior to recently, if she said anything after I sneezed it was negative.  Second, there was a situation a week ago where she made fun of the way I was dressed in front of her co-workers, and I felt shame about it (I know, that's not a positive).  The next day, she came down on me for acting shy around her co-workers, and said that during our wedding I need to work on being more social.  GRR.  I managed to explain to her my point of view on that situation without sounding like JADE, and she apologized for making fun of the way I was dressed.  The positive here is that I was able to express that I felt hurt by something she did, and she apologize without getting angry or defensive. 

Now, the negatives:  She obsesses about her job.  She goes to work at 6:30am, comes home at 5:30, then spends almost the whole evening planning, and often wants me to help her or help motivate her or at the very least stay within earshot.  This goes on until she goes to bed at 9-10PM. I don't think she knows or understands how to take a break.  If she enjoyed what she was doing, I'd say great.  But she's talking about feeling "burnt out" and not wanting to go to work.

And yesterday, she said she "lost it" in front of the kids as a result of a discipline problem.  Not sure what "lost it" means, whether yelling at them or crying, but somehow another teacher wound up coming into her room, and then both the principal and educational coach coming in to sit in her room for awhile.  She thinks the other teacher asked the principal to come in.  I'm not sure why the other teacher came in, whether she heard something going on, or whether my fiancĂ© asked her to come in. Whatever the case, this is not a good situation at all.  The aftermath was also not good.  I came home to find her laying on the sofa, sleeping.  I went out to get us dinner, she didn't want to leave the house.  She was basically "checked out" for the rest of the night.  She also said that her students were "such asss".  Understandable to feel that way about other adults, but 3rd grade kids?  That worries me.  Even more worrisome is that she decided for the second week in a row to skip group therapy because she was in a bad mood or too tired. 

Once again, I am bracing for a long weekend where I look forward to Monday.
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« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2014, 02:00:08 PM »

Third grade? Oh, dear. I've only taught at the university level but can't shake the feeling that she's not really up to practicing "self preserving" behavior for the teaching environment. The administrators may be getting nervous.



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« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2014, 02:45:57 PM »

Kate - I know. 3rd grade.  I reminded her that last year she taught 6th grade, and there is a big difference between those two ages.  I tried explaining to her that dealing with behavior problems is difficult, but at 3rd grade children are not being intentionally malicious or intentionally trying to piss her off unlike some of the students she dealt with last year.  Still *very* alarming to hear her call 8-9 year old kids ass holes, especially since much of the behavior she was complaining about she does to me!  For example, she gave kids cookies as a reward, and one kid complained the cookie tasted bad.  this really upset her.  How is that different than me taking her out to dinner and her complaining that the food is "disgusting"?

I have no doubt the administrators are already watching her closer.  I'll still do my best to validate and support her in hopes she can push through this.  But, I think ultimately what will determine whether she survives at this job or fails is going to be up to whether the administrators are validating or invalidating.  As long as she feels the principal is on her side, I think she can maintain a good enough attitude.  Should she paint the principal black, I have a feeling she will be back in the hospital.
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« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2014, 04:59:15 PM »

Sixth graders? Now you've stunned me! I wouldn't have the emotional maturity to handle that crowd.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #17 on: September 17, 2014, 04:43:12 PM »

Well, I was hoping for a good day today.  It was supposed to be a training day (no teaching), and her first day back after being sick for a few days.  But she just called frantic, saying she needs to come see me now, and doesn't want to go back into school.  So, she is on her way to my workplace, very upset about something. 

Wish me strength... .



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« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2014, 05:18:17 PM »

Well, I was hoping for a good day today.  It was supposed to be a training day (no teaching), and her first day back after being sick for a few days.  But she just called frantic, saying she needs to come see me now, and doesn't want to go back into school.  So, she is on her way to my workplace, very upset about something. 

Wish me strength... .

May the force be with you.

Aw wow, hope you're both able to get through this without too much, I don't even know what... .

Hang in there, Max!
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« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2014, 06:08:24 PM »

She was placed on admin leave for unspecified reasons relating to not being truthful on her application.  I took the afternoon off b/c she does not want to be alone.  I drove her to her T office, and am now in the waiting room.  This is rough.  I tried validating by saying "wow, thats horrible... ." but she cut me off right there, rejected my validation attempt and told me she does not want me to get emotional or feel bad for her.

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maxsterling
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« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2014, 06:10:31 PM »

This is very difficlt for me on top of all the other exhaustion.  Wish i could run away from it all
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« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2014, 12:37:21 AM »

  Sounds really tough on you, max.

Here is one thought for you to consider:

When she got this job, you decided to work VERY hard at supporting her because you knew it would be difficult for her. Even though it often cost you much needed rest and peace of mind. You made this choice, aware of what it would cost you.

Now her chance of keeping the job is very reduced... .your guess is better than mine, but it doesn't sound good to me.

This is a different situation. I'd recommend you put more energy into taking care of yourself and supporting yourself now. What can you do for yourself now?
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« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2014, 07:31:35 AM »

Such a sad conclusion, Max.

BUT, you firmly followed your game plan. You did everything you set out to do:

When she got this job, you decided to work VERY hard at supporting her because you knew it would be difficult for her. Even though it often cost you much needed rest and peace of mind.

You helped run the ball until the other side took the ball and went home. You did it all.

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« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2014, 11:18:08 AM »

Thanks, guys, I have a lot of thinking to do about all this.

I suspect what has happened is that she failed to disclose something on her application that she submitted way back in May or June.  What's curious to me is that this now comes up months later.  My guess is this probably has something to do with her last job.  I don't think she listed it on her resume.  But I find it strange that they didn't do their research before hiring her.  My gut tells me that either someone from her last job decided to make her life hell, or she did or said something recently to upset someone at her current job, and they started looking for a way to terminate her contract. I find this really unfortunate because the job was for the most part going okay for her, and it's something from the past to come back and haunt her.  She is only on administrative leave for now, and she does get a chance to explain her side. 

things were tense last night.  And per her request I stayed calm and level headed, didn't get emotional, tried to not commiserate or validate, just went about my business.   She's of course down this morning, but at least she met with her T for an hour and a half last night and came up with a safety plan.  And she did reach out to friends, and is supposed to talk with our couples T this morning.  That takes away some of my worry of leaving her alone - self harm or suicide ideation are a real possibility right now. 

So I guess that is a positive - she has reached out.  That's a much better situation than last year.  Other positives here is that it has helped me understand better the emotions and situations she faces, and that her issues are in no way related to a lack of support.  In other words, the fact I did my best to support her and this still happened settles a few things in my brain.  And while this situation re-affirms in my head how much I care about this woman, there is a real possibility it could bring about the end of the relationship, and right now it's easier for me to wrap my head around that. 

I don't regret trying extra hard to support her the past few months.  My exhaustion is not from that.  My exhaustion is from the year plus of BPD behaviors that I rarely got a break from and did not have good boundaries against.  The cumulative exhaustion.  Today I am going to try and take it easy at work.  Hopefully she gets more information today about what is going on, and reaches out to her support.  Tonight is her group therapy, and I will go out and have a visit with some friends - time to myself.  I may also spend a little money on myself today - not much, just about 25 bucks for some hobby supplies.  That helps me feel better.
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« Reply #24 on: September 18, 2014, 02:07:01 PM »

What should I do today?  I'm at work, enjoying the calm - before I left I told her to call if she needed anything.  Do I let her be and wait for her to call?  Do I send a quick text just to say hi?  I feel that she may need space (as she seemed to indicate last night), but at the same time she may feel upset if I am absent all day.
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« Reply #25 on: September 18, 2014, 06:34:11 PM »

Well, she texted right after I posted this.  Nothing bad - just about the dentist.  So I responded back a little something.  It was a calm exchange.  A while later she called to tell me she was going out shopping.  That's a good sign.  She said she looked over her application, and did not see anything where she provided incorrect information.  That's another good sign, that she was calm enough to actually look over her application.  She said she also talked to a friend, and felt better after that.  Another good sign. 

So, that all seems like progress to me.  Last year, she would have been in the hospital if this happened to her.  She would not have reached out to anyone, and she would not have the strength to look over any paperwork.

I'm still on edge, but not as much as before.  She goes to group therapy tonight, and I think I will go out and drink a beer or two.  She thinks the issue has to do with her last job, with them claiming they fired her, and she claiming a medical discharge.  If that's what it is, it really infuriates me, but it also gives her (and me) hope that this can be cleared up.   I also hope they get back to her soon and let her know what the issue really is, because I am sure the guessing will eat her up.

I feel strong empathy for what she is going through - to be pulled out of a training, told you are being placed on leave, with no specific reason, and then told to wait for further instruction?  I know other people's BPD partners are known to lie, cheat, and steal, but that's one quality I have not seen in my fiancĂ©.  She's actually brutally honest and often tends to be more open than she needs to be.  It would be one thing to be placed on leave over something current, but over something from months or years ago that is most likely a misunderstanding when she is really trying to make this work?  I don't know who wouldn't be thoroughly crushed.  But she seems to not want my empaty.  She says if I am emotional she feels less stable. 
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« Reply #26 on: September 18, 2014, 08:16:40 PM »

It sounds as though both of you are handling this painful development well. No wonder you feel encouraged.

I will guess that the school is not responding to any single incident but to a series of concerns. And looking for a legal way out of their contract. And not wanting things to drag on through the school term.

Hope the school administrators do not make her wait too long either. She deserves a resolution too.


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« Reply #27 on: September 18, 2014, 08:31:24 PM »

I will guess that the school is not responding to any single incident but to a series of concerns. And looking for a legal way out of their contract. And not wanting things to drag on through the school term.

That's my feeling.  It seems strange that this is coming up now, and if the issue is truly with the former employer, I find it a little petty that they would come after her now and with this much action.  My feeling is that either the former employer is being malicious (possibly, they claim she owes them money), or the current employer heard enough complaints and concerns, and the administration went back into her application and looked for a reason to legally release her from her contract.  It just seems so odd to me that she can look over her application, see nothing glaringly irregular, yet 3 months after they hired her go back and find something serious enough to put her on admin leave without asking her about it first. 
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« Reply #28 on: September 18, 2014, 09:15:41 PM »

Gee, I see what you mean. This is kind of mysterious, as a wrongful termination lawsuit is something to be avoided too, right? And termination "for cause" probably easier to justify legally. Hmm.
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« Reply #29 on: September 23, 2014, 12:11:14 PM »

Well, the weekend was spent with her constantly checking her phone for more information.  A representative from the Union was supposed to gather information and call her back.  Well, the woman did not call, and I think the anxiety built and was a major contributor to Sunday's dysregulation.  Yesterday (Monday) she still hadn't heard anything.  Of course she is frustrated!  Being told that she is on admin leave, being told to wait for a phone call, telling her she is not to contact any other teachers or administration from her school, and having no idea what this is all about - extremely stressful for any of us, and pure torture for a pwBPD.

I'm refraining of bringing up or asking anything about what is going on in that situation.  I try to let her know I am here for what she needs me for, but asking her about it seems to be like poking at a scab.  For my sake, I need to let this be her business.  Yesterday she sent an email to the assistant superintendent, and she got no response.  She also got emails and text messages from her other teachers asking for information, but she is not allowed to talk to them. The other teachers(who may need things from my fiancĂ© in order to do their jobs) are in the dark, too.

Finally, at 9pm last night, she got a call from a union rep at her school (but not from the woman she was hoping to hear from).  Obviously I dreaded the dysregulation that I knew would follow after the call.  I tired to just watch TV and not eavesdrop, but she did get upset enough for me to over hear her loudly telling the union rep that her career and life is on the line here, forcefully defending herself to him (it's basically pointless to get heated with the messenger), and later apologizing to him for her outburst. 

I knew the phone call was over when she started screaming my name, asking me where the papers were from her previous job. She had given me some papers to keep because she claimed they were triggers, others I think she threw away in one of her fits to get rid of "clutter".  But of course, she got angry and blamed me for losing her papers, claiming that it was my responsibility to keep track of them, that I told her that it was okay for her to throw them away, and this proves I don't care about her.  The storm blew over relatively quickly, and I helped her find some of her information, and by this morning she was in somewhat good sprits.  I think the antidepressants are responsible for that.

What I gather from all this is that the union rep told her the issue has to do with her last job.  If that's the case, I think she stands a good chance of explaining or defending herself. What's still curious to me is why this is happening now, 4 months after she was hired.  What would prompt the district to pull her application out of the drawer and go back through it?  I don't think that would be just normal routine unless someone called something to the district's attention.
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