She's back to work II

[Depression = 72% of members]

It isn't your job to figure this out or fix it. It sounds like you know this already. 

One thing for your wife to fear is that the school administration decided that they didn't want her in the classroom... .and went looking for the easiest and/or fastest way to get her out, and found this.

Still... .if it is true, there's nothing you can do about it (or even that your wife can do about it)... .and giving your wife something else to worry (aka dysregulate!) about isn't going to help anything either.

It is your job to take care of yourself, so you have energy and strength.

Then offer what support you can for your wife.

 Best wishes for you!

[Grey Kitty]

It isn't your job to figure this out or fix it. It sounds like you know this already. 

One thing for your wife to fear is that the school administration decided that they didn't want her in the classroom... .and went looking for the easiest and/or fastest way to get her out, and found this.

Still... .if it is true, there's nothing you can do about it (or even that your wife can do about it)... .and giving your wife something else to worry (aka dysregulate!) about isn't going to help anything either.

It is your job to take care of yourself, so you have energy and strength.

Then offer what support you can for your wife.

 Best wishes for you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Well, she had the hearing with the administrators yesterday.  The bad news - they didn't give her an answer.  So she's still on paid leave.  The waiting has to be terrible for her.

The good news:  She managed to handle the hearing okay without getting defensive or angry.  She did call me crying afterwards, but I was not in a place to talk, so I told her I would talk to her or see her when I could.  That was about two hours later.  And she managed to calm down on her own during that time.

My challenge is to find a way to detach myself from her issues while still being supportive when/where she needs me. 

[KateCat]

Good going, Max! 

[maxsterling]

Well, it's official - she is losing her job.  They called her yesterday to give her two options - continue on the payroll as a substitute teacher, but her contract would not be renewed at the end of the school year, or resign.  The school district told her they wished they could keep her, but due to liability reasons they said they couldn't.  She hasn't gotten anything in writing yet regarding her options, and hasn't fully made up her mind, but it sounds like she doesn't want to go back to teaching.  She also said that the union lawyer told her that resigning would look better on her record if she ever wanted to teach again.  I completely disagree with the lawyer, thinking that having two very short tenure jobs in a years time looks bad enough already.

Of course she asked me what she should do.  The loaded question.  I tried to help her work through it, stating what I wrote above, that she seems burnt out on teaching anyway, so maybe she shouldn't focus on whether or not she can get hired somewhere else next year, and do what is best for the short term.  I think she is leaning towards just resigning, because she feels humiliated and defeated.  Fair enough, but combine that with her obsession over money, and it's one big toxic mess. 

Last night she began obsessively looking online for her next career path.  Her first criteria being the one that could bring her them most money.  If that is her #1 criteria, it just seems doomed to more failure. 

[Grey Kitty]

Sorry to hear this... .but not very surprised. 

My guess is that these two outcomes will be similar in terms of work and pay that she gets--if the school district wants her to resign, they probably won't call her in for much substitute teaching, or will put her at the bottom of their list. But that is just a wild guess.

Legally, she may be due some compensation for terminating her contract mid-year, and may give that up if she resigns. She might have to use a lawyer to get it too. Also a wild guess.

This part is not a wild guess:

It is her decision, not yours, max. If she isn't happy with it a month from now, she is likely enough to blame it on you anyway. Don't give her good reason to blame you. Make it clear that it is her decision.

The only part that is your decision is what sort of support you are willing to give her when she doesn't have income, and if you will (financially) support her efforts in another career.

[maxsterling]

Well, leading up to this, she was saying that she may not want her job back anyway, that her attitude is soured, and that she wants to do something else.  And yesterday she was saying it may be a blessing in disguise.

Today, it is hitting her.  Last year when she was unemployed, I stayed out of it.  I told her to take the time to work on herself, and I would take care of the household like I always had when I was single, and I would have no expectations of her.  Just now she phoned me crying saying that she doesn't want me to be hands off like I was last year.  Already an attempt to blame me. 

Within the context of BPD, I get where she is coming from on this.  Her career is her identity.  Much of what she has done to feel good about herself over the past 10 years is related to her career.  She got her master's degree.  She moved halfway around the world for a job.  To have that taken away right now must make her feel like the past 10 years were a waste.  I'd probably feel that way, too.  The difference is that she can't separate this as an isolated event.  To her, it's the end of the world.  Right now she wants some direction or reassurance from me of what to do next.  I'm not sure what to tell her.

As to whether I will support her again - I think I will be more willing to do it this time than last time.  Last year I didn't understand the root of her struggles.  I think I stand a better chance this time of guiding her forward, but not sure how much patience I will have for that.