Wife alienating the child from father

[Enlighted-N-Brooklyn]

This is my second post, again I want to say this site is INVALUABLE! Just to hear about others who have had similar experiences help you to see your not crazy, not losing it and its not you. What confirms it for me, you hear the same ring of truth that matches my exact your experience. You just cant make this up!

Here is something I have dealt with and not sure if thisis associated with the illness. I ve been married about 24yrs my wife and I in the begining of course she couldnt let me out of her sight, she was intensly into me. Of course this felt good. But then it went very left she crossed over to jealousy. She becam jealous of anyone having my attention, including my parents. So much so when the illness started to manifest itself and we started to have problems she said "for things to get better I would have to stop talking to my parents".Of course that wasnt happening, I put my bounderies up on that one, although at the time I had no clue I was doing the right thing. Anyway, when our son was born she became so clingly to him, barely affording me the bonding experience, so much that others observing us would comment on this. Of course Im thinking this is her first child and she is protective, we've had our problems, she will get over this. WRONG! It became worse she began to sleep in his bed (I know the jury is out on this type of child rerearing interaction) from around the ages of 3 to 10. Well, I pesonally felt uncomfortable. I didnt mind from time to time but every night was her patteren. Well, I fought and screamed, and she in turn  accused me of not know how to love or show affection.

Turn the page a fews years, the child is now 16yrs old still clingy takes him to the park to play basketball stays with him all day until he is finished and this is everyday. When I engage with him you can see the jealousy. She could spend all day with him and when I come home from work and want to spend some time with him she would want to come also. Not just giving us time to bond.

One time we went to go watch some guys play ball in a famous park for basketball in NYC and she try to follow us there. When I knew she was following us, I made a change of plans and she couldnt find us. She called and I refused to tell her where we went and she screamed on the phone how RUDE and DISRESPECTFUL I was. Keep in mind she was with him all day.

But here is a kick in the head, she told my son recently that "I was seeing a therapist and getting the help I need". Which isnt true. Personally if I were I wouldnt feel uncomfortable disclosing this. My son didnt know what to believe and of course I didnt want to drag her under the bus. So my question, have anyone experieced this type of behavior? Trying to alienate the child from you as a father? Is this the illness or is it how she is? What would you catergorize this as.

[Enlighted-N-Brooklyn]

Just as info, she is a High Functioning BPD

[Matt]

Yes, everything you describe is pretty common among people with BPD, except I think it may be more common when the kids are younger.

My ex was diagnosed with BPD, and is also pretty high-functioning, but within the four walls of our home she did lots of very crazy stuff.

She tended to "split" the kids - my stepdaughter (who was 6 when we got married) and my daughter (born just after we got married) could do no wrong, and my stepson (18 when we got married) and my son (born a couple years after we got married) she was always suspicious of and cold toward.  The girls bonded tightly to her - too tightly maybe - and the boys have been hurt by her lack of feeling for them.

I can suggest a couple of things.

First, read ":)ivorce Poison" by Richard Warshak - lots of information about alienation and practical ways you can deal with it.

Also, "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson - not as much practical how-to advice, but very deep understanding of how BPD affects a mother and her child.

Don't give up - stay close to your son now and forever - but also look for ways to avoid fighting with his mom.

Are you all still living together?  Still married to her?

And how is your son doing generally - school, health, etc.?  Will he be going away to college in a couple of years?

[pilgrim]

I agree with Matt.  Also check out www.amyjlbaker.com  Divorce Poison and Amy Baker's work has been invaluable to me regarding alienation.