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Author Topic: I'm so sad  (Read 383 times)
jsb1028
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« on: August 18, 2014, 07:33:41 PM »

I've had a wonderful and also sometimes very challenging and exhausting relationship with my best friend for the past 18 months.  My husband and I accepted her and treated her and her 3 children as part of our family (we have 2 young daughters, 7 and 11).  My friend, though beautiful, artistic, charming and a lot of fun to be around, was also very unhappy in her marriage (just finalized her divorce not long ago) and had also expressed certain things that lead me to be a bit concerned -- for example, that she always felt she was "missing something" or that she was a "loser."  That she felt no sense of self-worth was almost immediately and always evident.  Her fears of abandonment she had stated quite plainly.  She felt her mother was cold and manipulative and had abandoned her (emotionally, by never giving proper guidance) when she was a child.  Her (now) ex-husband emotionally abandoned her.  Friendships that she had told me about had almost always ended -- the "friend" had always somehow "hurt" her or "crushed" her.  She knows a lot of people around town (through the gym, school, etc... .), but I wouldn't say she has any true friends.  She once told me that I was "all she had."  The 3 long-term friends that she has are all from childhood or college and all 3 live far away (Ohio, DC, Florida).

While I am a fairly patient, logical, big-hearted person (at least according to my husband), I am also not a professional psychologist (that was my dad) and while I could see the clues, I certainly couldn't put a name on the personality flaw my friend kept displaying.  I also felt often like I was dealing with a child (my husband was wont to call her "the teenager", and very often felt not only that our friendship was inequitable, but often I felt used of taken advantage of.  I was meant to give my time, my attention, my caring, my love -- to sacrifice as much as I possibly could for my friend.  She said she was there for me and would be there if I ever needed her.  But the few times I did, she'd give me limited time, glaze over, or fall asleep.  We had a very close, very intimate relationship (though we never had any sexual relationship, I did sleep at her house on the order of 2 nights per week), and I felt that because I had given her a safe place -- been her safe place -- that she trusted me.  

I'm sure due to my ignorance of BPD and my own feelings of being mistreated, I have said or done the "wrong" thing more than once in the past 18 months.  About a week ago I was displeased that my friend had held me up all day with another one of her acts of inpulsiveness and I told her off.  Her response was to tell me she needs "time and space" and has sent me only a couple of very short text messages and email replies to my attempts to reach out to her.

She has, in the past (since her teenage years) seen many therapists and quit.  She has told me she "hates" it.  She's had enough therapy OR has such a minor case of BPD that she has once, to me recollection, apologized to me for "hurting my heart," and I think she is, in some way, aware of the self-destructive loop that she gets herself into with any relationship.  I think she cares about me and I know she was "happy" when she had the opportunity to take care of me.  Not too long ago we went out and I drank just a little too much.  I'd hardly say I was drunk, but buzzed.  The next morning she told me she "liked it" that I was so mellow and that she could take care of me.  

After having read as many articles as I can and one entire book, I am nearly convinced my friend has BPD.  This has brought me some relief (because I was beginning to think I was crazy, in spite of sustaining and very close and enjoyable 12 year marriage and raising 2 wonderful little girls).  On the other hand, I am heartbroken.  I miss my friend.  I want more than I could possibly express just to hold her.  Hug her.  Let her feel safe.  I have used SET and a few other tactics I learned about in reading to try to reach her via email.  She replies, but curtly.  One unemotional sentence, usually.

She has twice previously suggested to me that we go to "couples" therapy -- in spite of the fact the she refused to see us as a couple (though most people saw us that way in some regard and she certainly was treated like a spouse).  Maybe that would be a good idea, as well as her going to individual therapy.  But, I don't know how to approach her now.  I don't know what to do.  My heart aches... .
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NorthernGirl
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« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2014, 10:17:06 PM »

Hello jsb1028 and welcome to our community.

I'm sorry you've had a difficult time with your friendship. It can be very hurtful when you are trying your best and your efforts aren't working.

What book did you read about BPD? There are certainly some good ones out there that have helped people gain a better understanding of the disorder.

It sounds like you've learned a bit about some techniques like S.E.T. Have you heard about validation? You might want to check out this article and see if it helps Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it. I'd be interested to see what you think of it.

Please post some more so we know what else we can do to help.

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Ziggiddy
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« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2014, 03:58:41 AM »

Oh my goodness jsb! I could have written most of the things you have as my own experiences with not just one but two people who were my closest friends at different times. One in particular seems to echo a good deal of your experience.

As far as BPD goes, people who suffer from it don't tend to observe or even be aware of boundaries and the friendship can step over from out and out easily defined friendship to something more. Not exactly sisterly and not romantic or sexual but certainly with more blurring of lines than other r/ships seem to have.

I would venture to say that by assimilating herself into your life and family the way she did she probably created a foundation level of intimacy that was a bit more than one might expect, am I close here?

My friend made great leaps of intimacy towards me in a relatively short space of time. Brought me little gifts and expressed repeated desire to hang out - our families, ourselves etc. Liked to take me to lunch or send me loving texts/messages. All very nice but just a little too far - hard to put my finger on though.

Would tell me of how she'd made a new 'enemy' - people always seemed to 'misunderstand her' 'blame her for things that weren't her fault' There seemed to be waves of small dramas always lapping about her ankles. And then, one day  I suddenly noticed her presence had diminished and she seemed to cancel on our plans - all of which i was initiating.I would get short emails/texts saying she's catch up soon but never followup. When I asked her about it withdrew completely from my life and never spoke to me again despite my heartfelt pleas and apologies for whatever it was that I did wrong (to this day still don't know!)

Like your friend, her circle was of just a few long term friends and 2 of them 'viciously' said mean things to her so she had terminated them too.

If you felt used and taken advantage of, jsb in all likelihood you were. Trust your judgment. Friendships like these tend to leave us reeling and wondering what WE did wrong when most likely THEY have just flipped some switch and split.

(This article deals with splitting behaviours: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0 )

The r/ship you had seems to be a lot more giving than taking. I really really recommend you think carefully about what exactly it is that you miss in your r/ship with your friend? I also would recommend this great great article which helped me resolve a good deal in a short amount of time - it's about codependence and although it is aimed toward couples I think you might find a lot of stuff in there relevant to your own situation.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I am sorry that you are going through what I know is a lot of pain. I hope you can find out more about the dynamics of your friendship so as to make some next steps toward a real sense of peace and balance

All the best,

Ziggiddy

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jsb1028
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« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2014, 02:38:43 PM »

I feel like not a day has gone by in the past 5 weeks in which I haven't been trying to understand just what happened between my best friend and I, why she decided she needed "time and space" and how to handle things going forward.

I saw her yesterday while picking the kids up from religious school.  My girls seemed happy to see her, but a little guarded, which I understand -- after all, she walked out on them, too, and they don't understand any more than I do.  Her son looked very happy to see me, and he was always my buddy, so I was very happy to see him.  I was stuck on the phone with my mother, who hasn't been feeling well, but when my friend saw me she smiled (I think -- I looked away so quickly) and then she leaned forward to give me a kiss on the cheek.  She said right after, "I have to run this carpool... ." as if she was trying to make sure she could get away quickly, but again, I was on the phone and with the kids there, it wasn't like there was any time for talking anyway.

Besides which, in the past week, while she's been texting a few times a day, I basically told her she needed to tell me whether she was done with me and it was over or if she wanted to be friends.  After 2 days of no contact, she texted me she wanted to get together to talk.  She then canceled.  After another day of no contact, she texted me again that we'd get together "worst comes to worst, next week... ." meaning this week now (because she sent the text last Friday).  I basically didn't answer her until night time, telling her she needed to let me know when we were getting together.  She went back to texting a bit each night.  I told her that I had too much self-respect to continue having a superficial friendship via text.  Texting stopped then.

Yesterday I sent a really funny article to an email group -- I thought it was just my mom, aunt, sisters, in-laws, but she was at the end of the list of recipients.  She replied that she had just watched a movie.  I replied to her that I'd seen the same movie.  And then told her I had no desire to have a superficial friendship via email, either.

So, I'm sticking to my boundary of her either telling me she's out or telling me what's happening.  Either way, she needs to take some responsibility.  All of her other, past, friends have simply walked away, leaving her the "victim."  I don't want to perpetuate that cycle.

So, today was a no contact day and I was just stuck thinking that my friend doesn't rage, doesn't self-injure, and though she's told me herself that she fears abandonment, she was the one who "left," so-to-speak.  So, I started to think maybe there's something wrong with me.  It took a lot of talking to my husband to make me remember that I am still married and I have these 2 awesome, smart, really well-adjusted kids.  I still go to the gym that my best friend and I went to (she hasn't gone in the 5 weeks since she decided she needed "time and space".  I've gotten together with other friends and family.

Still, I miss her.  I miss hanging out with her.  Having someone else who understood me from the same "female" perspective, who had a lot of lifetime coincidences with me.  In some ways, I miss her "needing" me -- to give her guidance and a shoulder to cry on.  It seemed like she'd never really had that before.  I don't miss that she had no sense of time management.  Or that she was so impulsive in making plans.  Or that she was very touchy-feely when she wanted to be, but if she didn't, that was it.

I don't miss her telling me that I was trying to "control" her, or that I had an issue if she went to see other friends.  I never cared.  We were so close, I always knew we'd come back together later in the day, or at night, or the next day.  Her insistence the last month before she "left" that I had an issue with this or that I was controlling her was driving me bonkers.

Anyway, just being able to get it all out is helping me.  And again, I'm already seeing a therapist.  Of course, this relationship did put me on anti-depressants as well.  It was too hard for me to cope and balance when I felt I was giving my friend everything, and not only was I not receiving everything in return, but I felt that no matter how much I gave or how much I sacrificed, she wouldn't be satisfied.

On to another day... .hoping tomorrow will be better.

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« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2014, 02:43:48 PM »

Are you willing to just give her a pass and let her back in and then sort it later?

Sounds like she is trying to break back in but still harbors some woundedness from your exchange.

My own exerience is that people with BPD traits are terrible at resolving the problems they create.
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