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Author Topic: SET - Finally  (Read 475 times)
takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« on: August 19, 2014, 02:44:06 PM »

Hi all. I finally managed to get a SET communication that worked!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It was written, which made it so much easier for me. I am still finding it hard to be open enough/safe enough to muster the empathy necessary to make SET work in person. Still, pretty good, I think. We were discussing the work around boundaries that I am doing and the triggers it is causing for her.

"I am sorry that you feel I am acting out of anger at you. That would feel terrible if I felt like your [personal healing] work was done out of anger about me. I can only tell you that what I am committed to healing in myself is not out of anger for you but in love of myself, the kids and in hope of our marriage." 

Thanks for all of the help and support. Still trying to unravel how to do it in person. The frequent invalidation and critical words keep me from getting there all too often. 
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hark

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Relationship status: separated
Posts: 21



« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2014, 03:21:40 PM »

YAY! Good for you! What was your wife's reaction?

I am trying to compose a letter to my uBPDbf that utilizes S.E.T. retroactively, I guess, because he is currently giving me a prolonged silent treatment.

Have you tried DEARMAN yet?
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2014, 04:21:25 PM »

Thanks, hark. Her reaction was really positive. She's been on me for the past few weeks about withholding information about what I have been working with T and support group on (namely because it's all about how to live with pwBPD). This SET allowed me to tell the truth but reassure her that I don't hate her. Truth is, I built up a lot of resentment over 15 years of marriage (my choice), so I do have anger and hurt. Which is why I struggle with SET in person because I am still getting triggered. I am more aware of it, but struggling to get to radical acceptance.

I haven't read DEARMAN or ummm forgetting the P one just now. How does it work? From what I remember reading, they each have their own flavor, like when you are trying to speak truth, reach compromise or something along those lines.

Sorry you are getting the silent treatment. I think I am realizing in the end, there is only our own honesty and intention. If we can just stay true to those, then that is the best communication that can be made.
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hark

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Relationship status: separated
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« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2014, 05:23:59 PM »

I still don't understand when PUVAS should be used. From what I understand, DEAR MAN is for when you need something, or are asking for something.

Read this:

www.anythingtostopthepain.com/puvas-dbt-skills/

I'm glad that SET worked for you. I can't imagine how great that must feel to have a skill that works with this disorder. I know what you mean about being triggered yourself. I'm so tired of feeling attacked and misunderstood. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to be perceived as bad and wrong for everything I do. I feel like a bear being poked in a cage.

I wish I could see a therapist. I am uninsured at the moment, and separated... .there just isn't any way to afford it. It's disappointing that there are no physical support groups for BPD.
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2014, 05:55:54 PM »

Thanks for the link. Do you have any NAMI groups nearby you? I meet every other week with a family support group. It helps just not feeling so alone and isolated. And the facilitators truly look after your mental well being. They typically do classes for families as well. No one on my group has BPD partners, parents or children, but the self doubts, isolation and challenges are similar. Most of them are solution focused on medication, but it still help me sort out grief, boundaries and so forth
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hark

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« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2014, 06:03:37 PM »

We do have NAMI.

It is run by our local Hospice.

My bf works for that Hospice.

As of yet, I have been too scared to go. Perhaps unfounded fear... .but still.

What do you think?
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2014, 12:33:54 AM »

Hello hark

I wish I knew the answer to your question. In my case, I feel like I am sneaking around when I go to NAMI meetings or when I see our couples T during an individual session to get support for living in this brave new world. One of my core values is honesty, so in trying to learn how to have healthy boundaries for myself, I feel like I am doing it via this very circuitous route. I recall a phrase one of the senior members used, like trying to walk on eggshells better - I don't want to end up doing that.

It sounds like right now you need support. Do you have any friends or family that you can talk to about your situation? Or have they formed their own views, as you have been through this before with your bf? If you need the support, I think you should take care of that need, even if it risks your bf finding out/questioning why you are going to NAMI meetings. My rationale for my actions is that I am trying to not cause more harm/conflict, which being direct with my wife very well could do right now. But if she finds out, I also shouldn't be afraid. My intention for seeking help is not to hurt her, but to help me. And that's what the SET allowed me to convey to her. There has to be room for you to be able to take care of yourself and your needs in your relationship, and if there isn't that room, is this a relationship you can sustain?

These are the types of questions I am asking myself lately ... .a lot. Too much. I need to go see a movie or get a hobby or something.   Still, I think the more you can look within yourself to see what it is that you value, that you hold as essential to what you want in life, the easier both taking care of yourself and writing the letter to your bf will become. Please do run a draft through the message board. I am a decent writer/editor, and I would be honored to help in any way that I can.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep posting and let us know how things progress for you. Thanks for being there for me.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2014, 08:55:05 AM »

Dont worry too much if you feel like you are simply role playing the tools, it does feel forced and wooden at first. Once you get the feel for it you will automatically think and feel that way. It is as much about changing YOUR outlook as applying a communication tool.

I dont consciously use those tools anymore, but having done so my my approach to people, and self confidence, has change enormously. The resultant effect is the same, without playing by the guidelines if you like. ie you exude S & E, and you are comfortable with your T without being imposing.>>You dont impose a threat to them, so their defensiveness is reduced.

An analogy: A fluent speaker of a language is probably less grammatically correct than a student as they are not trying to be correct, but are never the less fully understood all the same. >>Practice will make you fluent, and so then you can take short cuts and diverge from the "rules".
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2014, 12:25:39 PM »

Waverider, my spiritual teacher once taught us exactly that - that mustering compassion for all beings, without exception, feels like you're faking it and wooden at first. But if you keep doing it, you become very attuned to the aspiration you make. It's just a whole other level to apply it to someone who so often presents as your enemy or adversary (hence the "without exceptions" part).

I am trying to get to that point, but I am pretty happy with even feeling wooden at the moment. It's better than ducking for cover, or shielding myself constantly. Funny story about the short lived nature of success - I came home into a pretty big dinner time dysregulation last night, and actually was maintaining some S and E (no real T since the flames were too high) when I got told to SHUT UP. Fair enough. It was a lot easier not taking it personally because I had maintained some connection versus JADEing.

When my dysregulated wife starts imposing her reality on my children though, that's when I start to see red. That trigger is a big one for me, and I haven't unraveled what it means to my values. I just know that I really think it's wrong and harmful to either explode or melt into tears/blame on children.
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2014, 06:05:42 PM »

Waverider, my spiritual teacher once taught us exactly that - that mustering compassion for all beings, without exception, feels like you're faking it and wooden at first. But if you keep doing it, you become very attuned to the aspiration you make. It's just a whole other level to apply it to someone who so often presents as your enemy or adversary (hence the "without exceptions" part).

I am trying to get to that point, but I am pretty happy with even feeling wooden at the moment. It's better than ducking for cover, or shielding myself constantly. Funny story about the short lived nature of success - I came home into a pretty big dinner time dysregulation last night, and actually was maintaining some S and E (no real T since the flames were too high) when I got told to SHUT UP. Fair enough. It was a lot easier not taking it personally because I had maintained some connection versus JADEing.

When my dysregulated wife starts imposing her reality on my children though, that's when I start to see red. That trigger is a big one for me, and I haven't unraveled what it means to my values. I just know that I really think it's wrong and harmful to either explode or melt into tears/blame on children.

You did right. If S & E becomes everyday trait for you that you always give out it oils the works. T can be used strategically. You dont have to air you T over everything, though you do have to air it over important issues.

The trigger with the kids being one of them. I went through the exact same situation. I didn't know about BPD at the time and I can see the damage that my inability to contain those situations did. I would say for situations like that prepare yourself for them rather than just winging it reactively in the moment, as your judgement will be impaired.
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hark

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Relationship status: separated
Posts: 21



« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2014, 12:15:34 AM »

Takingandsending, I'm going to try to send a private message of the letter I've composed.

Regarding the NAMI meetings: you're right, I do need the support. I have a wonderful support system, but I'm worried I will exhaust them. This isn't the first time there has been trouble in this relationship.

My worry with the meetings is that if his coworkers find out, they will put him on the gossip train. The medical community may keep quiet about their patients, but they eat each other. Also, his ex-wife works in the building that the meetings are held in. It WILL get back to him, and that could be problematic for him at work,  AND for our relationship. I wonder if I might go and just check it out without discussing particulars. If I like the feel of the meeting, I could try a different county. Long drive, but it's possible, and might be very worth it.
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