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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Is my relationship doomed?  (Read 336 times)
misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« on: August 19, 2014, 11:46:19 PM »

I had a long talk with uBPDbf. He is at his wits end in terms of me and my work ethic and lack of job. ( I have serious anxiety issues related to wasting away 6 years of my life in medical school). He wants to be with me, but he doesn't see me making that happen. He told me that we're nearing the end, as he doesn't see me ever getting my life in order (He's doing college while on welfare and holding down part-time job at convenience store and also has an electronics fixing business) . In not so nice words. It was a terrible conversation, I spent the night not sleeping and crying.

And yet. We're still together today. I've actually figured out how I want to go about my future now. I have all my goals written down, and the different ways I'll reach them. As I said, I didn't sleep all night. I have realistic deadlines, and I know how long it will take me. It should bring me closer to living near him and also allows me the freedom to bounce back in case we don't work out. I plan to explain it to him next time we are together.

I called him today. I'm still hopeful. I told him that some lady thought our story was sweet. He got super defensive and said that things are far from perfect and that we're currently in a failing relationship anyways, so there's nothing substantial to our story. (This conversation with the woman occurred before this intense text message fight about me not getting anywhere in life)

I still hold on to hope for some reason. Mostly cause I love him. I think he is extremely insecure with the idea that I might never move out of my parents house (I'm 26) and start a life with him because I'm not willing to change. (He met me when I was experiencing moderate depression with no motivation for changing my life. I had just been the victim of physical violence on the part of someone very close and was desperately in need of someone to feel safe with. Someone to heal that pain.) I think all of that anger and indifference comes from that fear of disappointment that lingers in him.

I'm just wondering if I'm not in denial here and things are really at the end of the line. We've been together just over 11 months now. We see each other every weekend. I had a recent experience with him where he actually validated my feelings on him physically hurting me and agreed to avoid those sorts of fights. I stopped being scared he'd revert to violence. It felt incredibly validating. We still have arguments, but they have become less intense and I've stopped having panic attacks around him.

He tells me he wants an equal in a partner and not someone who will drag him down or waste his time. He still tells me that he loves me. He still hugs me tightly and we have intimate moments and physical touch. He wants a future with me, and my lack of progress in life scares him.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Rapt Reader
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



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« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2014, 12:39:19 PM »

As you are seeing, our BPD/BPD traits partners boomerang from one emotion or feeling to the opposite on a fairly regular basis; "I love you so much!" one day, and "I don't love you at all" the next. Because of that, only you can know if he's on his way to end the relationship or not. Or even if you want to end the relationship because of the push/pull going on with him.

One way to deal with his behaviors that are giving you the feeling that the relationship may end at any moment is to check out every single link to the right-hand side of this page, where you will get a better handle on how his mind works. You will also learn the communication skills that will teach you how to not push every one of his buttons, and make it easier to deal with him at those times when he's dysregulating... .

Something, though, that concerns me is the abuse you are alluding to... .Is this something that happens often? None of that should get validated, or even tolerated. You need to set some Boundaries that will keep you safe and unharmed or unbullied. Please check this out: Safety First and make a Safety Plan just in case, and also read this: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women. I really want you to stay safe, and that is another important aspect of the relationship you have with him. Any future with him must take this behavior into consideration if it is something that happens regularly.

I'm sorry that your anxiety issues are affecting your employment situation, and it's understandable that your boyfriend is concerned about it, too. I can see that it would affect his thoughts about a long-term relationship and that he is thinking about it in that light. But, it wouldn't excuse his abuse if that is something he is doing to you... .You'll have to tell us more about your situation so we know how to guide you better, misuniadziubek.

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