Will he ever be happy?

[ColdEthyl]

I just had a fight with my dBpDh over a freaking tv show that ended with us yelling and him going to the bar.

I try so hard to do the right things... .the right sequence that means a good day for him. I love him so much... .I want him to be happy. Am I just fooling myself? Can he be happy? Or am I putting too much in what I do will affect his haapyness? Sometimes... .I'm at such a loss I have no idea what I did or said. He has to yell at me for an hour before I hear the que

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat21]

I'm so sorry, Coldethyl. Mine wanted to fight with me over a tv show last night, too. Are you able to discern what might be underneath the TV show argument? I was reading though some posts before clicking on yours, and someone (can't remember who at the moment) said that trying to discover the real reason behind the superficial one helps to determine your course of action. Of course, you already know that! Don't we all. It's so frustrating!

I know that you know this, but try to do something good for yourself today. It's so hard to feel like the work we do just doesn't pay off- I often feel the same way. If you want, you could try talking to him today about what went wrong last night?

[ColdEthyl]

What it boiled down to was he kept making comments about how awesome a character was and I disagreed. He felt my disagreement was because I felt like he had some sort of crush on her, though I never said it. Maybe he does and felt guilty... .like I would care about a pretend person.

He will apologize and recant today he always does after he calms down and realizes what happened. It's just crazy how something like that will lead to him telling me he wants to kill himself everyday for the past 6 months because of me, and he had to find a reason to live everyday and I'm not it. I know he says it to hurt me and he doesn't mean it... .but dang... .it sure hurts still. I try not to let it... .but it does. I try so hard... .I feel like it's never enough sometimes.

I'm so sorry, Coldethyl. Mine wanted to fight with me over a tv show last night, too. Are you able to discern what might be underneath the TV show argument? I was reading though some posts before clicking on yours, and someone (can't remember who at the moment) said that trying to discover the real reason behind the superficial one helps to determine your course of action. Of course, you already know that! Don't we all. It's so frustrating!

I know that you know this, but try to do something good for yourself today. It's so hard to feel like the work we do just doesn't pay off- I often feel the same way. If you want, you could try talking to him today about what went wrong last night?

[waverider]

If you learn not to be drawn into pointless conflict, eventually he will become less defensive and not use conflict as a soothing/projecting tool.

He will never be happy as long as conflict is allowed to be the 'norm". Neither will you.

It takes a long time, but it can be done.

You can't make him happy but you can stop pouring fuel onto it.

What it boiled down to was he kept making comments about how awesome a character was and I disagreed. He felt my disagreement was because I felt like he had some sort of crush on her, though I never said it. Maybe he does and felt guilty... .like I would care about a pretend person.

So why did you disagree if this is what it typically leads to? Easier to just ask why he thinks the character is so great without passing judgement.

[maxsterling]

Frustrating, isn't it?  You would think you can have just a normal conversation about a TV show... .  I think waverider has good advice.  If you disagree with something trivial like this, do your best to just stay out of the discussion because pwBPD are going to read a whole lot more into your disagreement.

Your subject question - will he ever be happy.  I wonder that myself about my fiance.  Is he ever happy about anything?  I've gone through months long periods with my fiance where she was negative about EVERYTHING.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  Not a single positive comment.  The best I could hope for is neutral.  And even now that hr attitude seems better than it has been in a year, even the "happy" times always include a few negative comments.  So, I've rarely seen her truly "happy".

[Crumbling]

I sometimes think my BPDh is afraid of being happy.  Even when good things happen, that would make any normal person smile and feel good, he can't.

Holding our grandchild for the first time made me feel like a million dollars - a feeling I will never forget, and will always turn to when I need proof that good things do happen.  He had such a terrible scowl on his face when he held that child that no one took any pics, no one said anything.  He looked so uncomfortable and ill-at-ease that he didn't have her in his arms long.  On the way home from the hospital, I was going on about how wonderful it felt and the indescribable, unconditional love that swelled up for me.  He didn't understand.  He got angry at me for not seeing the challenges ahead, for not being 'realistic' and made me feel guilty for enjoying the experience.  It left a very deep stab wound I still feel when I think about it.

Our grandbaby has since bonded to him like milk and cookies.  She always calls him, "My Grampy" and looks to him with admiration and adoration she affords no one else.  This still goes unnoticed by him, and its been seven years.  Not that he doesn't do things grampys do, but he seems to be unable to see the joy in it.  Unable to feel the joy, maybe.  Unable to experience the pleasure in the moment of being with her.  It breaks my heart, and I pray she will be protected from feeling this hurt.

Others that responded to your post, have said that there is likely an underlying reason for his reaction that is really only about him.  I see that in our situation.  This grandchild came from my daughter from a previous marriage, and he has never had children of his own, which has been an on-going source of regret for him.  Instead of rejoicing over the fact that he has been given the opportunity to be a grandparent, without having to go through the hurtles and heartache of parenting, he uses the situation to feel guilt and anger at himself.  The glass is always half empty to him.

After 10 years of marriage to this man, I am only now beginning to understand only a handful of his outbursts.  I've learned to ' ick my battles' I guess, and to have the patience of a saint... .not letting out what my brain is screaming back at him takes LOTS of practice!  I'm not a huge Oprah fan, but she was right when she said "':)on't sweat the small stuff!"  Or maybe someone else said it first, I dont know.  The point is, I have felt the frustration and insanity you've expressed over and over again.  And it got easier when I stopped worrying about his happiness and started pursuing my own - in spite of him and his negativity.

Hope this helps, even a little, c.

[ColdEthyl]

Was it worth the fight? Honestly no... .he made a remark, I disagreed and he blew up. I didn't even know it was coming until it was too late. After it's out of the box, I can't put it back in there.

It's frustrating for me to not be able to have a different opinion without it turning into a fight. But you are right. That's what will happen, and I need to just either agree, or say nothing.

I wasn't passing judgement, I just said I didn't see it that way... .but I freaking forget sometimes that for him =judgement. I guess I'm still trying to learn the techniques, and I have my weak moments where I'm not as strong as I need to be.

If you learn not to be drawn into pointless conflict, eventually he will become less defensive and not use conflict as a soothing/projecting tool.

He will never be happy as long as conflict is allowed to be the 'norm". Neither will you.

It takes a long time, but it can be done.

You can't make him happy but you can stop pouring fuel onto it.

What it boiled down to was he kept making comments about how awesome a character was and I disagreed. He felt my disagreement was because I felt like he had some sort of crush on her, though I never said it. Maybe he does and felt guilty... .like I would care about a pretend person.

So why did you disagree if this is what it typically leads to? Easier to just ask why he thinks the character is so great without passing judgement.

[ColdEthyl]

He's in a bad cycle right now, I should have known better to say anything. He just had a flare up on Friday because I came home upset from work... .which I see on other threads this is a thing. Sometimes I just get tired of being pushed around, and I strike out which is the WRONG WRONG thing to do and I KNOW that. I need to work on some coping skills for myself, and I need to discuss some boundaries with him, and I am not sure how to start that conversation, but it's not going to be today. I think I should wait until the dust settles some.

I sometimes think my BPDh is afraid of being happy.  Even when good things happen, that would make any normal person smile and feel good, he can't.

Holding our grandchild for the first time made me feel like a million dollars - a feeling I will never forget, and will always turn to when I need proof that good things do happen.  He had such a terrible scowl on his face when he held that child that no one took any pics, no one said anything.  He looked so uncomfortable and ill-at-ease that he didn't have her in his arms long.  On the way home from the hospital, I was going on about how wonderful it felt and the indescribable, unconditional love that swelled up for me.  He didn't understand.  He got angry at me for not seeing the challenges ahead, for not being 'realistic' and made me feel guilty for enjoying the experience.  It left a very deep stab wound I still feel when I think about it.

Our grandbaby has since bonded to him like milk and cookies.  She always calls him, "My Grampy" and looks to him with admiration and adoration she affords no one else.  This still goes unnoticed by him, and its been seven years.  Not that he doesn't do things grampys do, but he seems to be unable to see the joy in it.  Unable to feel the joy, maybe.  Unable to experience the pleasure in the moment of being with her.  It breaks my heart, and I pray she will be protected from feeling this hurt.

Others that responded to your post, have said that there is likely an underlying reason for his reaction that is really only about him.  I see that in our situation.  This grandchild came from my daughter from a previous marriage, and he has never had children of his own, which has been an on-going source of regret for him.  Instead of rejoicing over the fact that he has been given the opportunity to be a grandparent, without having to go through the hurtles and heartache of parenting, he uses the situation to feel guilt and anger at himself.  The glass is always half empty to him.

After 10 years of marriage to this man, I am only now beginning to understand only a handful of his outbursts.  I've learned to 'pick my battles' I guess, and to have the patience of a saint... .not letting out what my brain is screaming back at him takes LOTS of practice!  I'm not a huge Oprah fan, but she was right when she said "':)on't sweat the small stuff!"  Or maybe someone else said it first, I dont know.  The point is, I have felt the frustration and insanity you've expressed over and over again.  And it got easier when I stopped worrying about his happiness and started pursuing my own - in spite of him and his negativity.

Hope this helps, even a little, c.

[Crumbling]

To help me re-group after an 'attack', I baby myself.  I take a long bath, go out with friends and vent, make cookies, paint, write, come here (now!)... .anything that is for me and only for me. 

You are just as important as he is.  Your emotions need to be recognized just as much as his do.  You are entitled to a voice.  He has the issue, and you are learning how to live with it, but it is still HIS issue. 

 

Don't feel bad about blowing up, or voicing your opinion.  Yes, it isn't the right way to deal with it, but it also isn't the end of the world that you lost it.  He does it ALL the time, I imagine.

We need an air of protection, and the only way to get it, is to teach ourselves to put up shields and somehow deflect what is said.  I see a cute superhero analogy in there somewhere, but it's much too early in the morning for that.

   

Sending you good intentions, strength and comfort,

Crumbsey

 

[ColdEthyl]

Thank you I really appreciate that. These boards have really helped me when I am at my wits end. We had a very productive talk yesterday, and we are back on good ground. I explained some things about myself to him, and he was willing to listen and explained how he felt. I told him we will get better at this, we just need to keep working on it.

I will take that advice in the future, I will do something for myself when this happens again. (because it will)

To help me re-group after an 'attack', I baby myself.  I take a long bath, go out with friends and vent, make cookies, paint, write, come here (now!)... .anything that is for me and only for me. 

You are just as important as he is.  Your emotions need to be recognized just as much as his do.  You are entitled to a voice.  He has the issue, and you are learning how to live with it, but it is still HIS issue. 

 

Don't feel bad about blowing up, or voicing your opinion.  Yes, it isn't the right way to deal with it, but it also isn't the end of the world that you lost it.  He does it ALL the time, I imagine.

We need an air of protection, and the only way to get it, is to teach ourselves to put up shields and somehow deflect what is said.  I see a cute superhero analogy in there somewhere, but it's much too early in the morning for that.

   

Sending you good intentions, strength and comfort,

Crumbsey