An Update and Encouragement for Everyone (6 years since I filed)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

It’s been 6 years since I filed for divorce, my divorce lasted 2 years and a few months. Before and during the divorce, this forum was my sanity in the storm and I am very thankful. I thought I was going to be able to engage more here to support others, but it was like stirring up the range of emotions that I was trying to do away with.

Here is an update. I got primary of my girls, whom are now 9 & 12. My ex constantly tore me to shreds when the kids were with her, but because the girls were so young, I never talked about anything with them, the divorce, mom’s issues, my goal was to provide a very stable environment emotionally for them. About 2 years ago, they both came to me and unloaded on all the issues they have at mom’s. For the first time, I opened up with them that I related to that, what they experienced is exactly what I experienced. They both had the biggest sigh of relief to know I knew all about what they were going through. Since then, I have been more open and address issues they have with their mom. They don’t like going over there, sometimes come home early on weekends they are to be with her. She still tries to destroy me with them and whenever they counter her, I get the blame. She tells them I was emotionally abusive, she still to this day, writes a blog talking about her PTSD and how emotionally abusive I was and how she was a victim of abuse. The girls don’t believe her because they now are old enough to put 2 and 2 together.

They say, “Dad, your the nicest and most kind person I’ve ever known.” I don’t yell, as I don’t think you can yell anyone into a good mood. When I talk about their mom now, it is only to provide factual data against the misinformation. I have, at times, dug up things from 6-8 years ago that she references that are totally false. I can show it to the kids and say, see, this is really what happened. Here is moms own words, see how she changed them.

Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with direct outbursts by my ex anymore. Occasionally I might get a “smart” response to something in an email, but those are few and far between. Granted, she writes a public blog that anyone searching google with her name could find and she spends a lot of time hating on me. I monitor it because I know she talks about the same stuff with the girls and it allows me to educate and emotionally support my girls against the onslaught.

Consistency is 100% key in dealing with anyone with BPD. The moment you break it, it’s like poking a whole in a dam. A tiny hole becomes this monstrous outflow that you don’t expect. The girls have experienced this. They will go months and months without responding to a single email or answering any of her calls, but the moment they do, they get flooded and they learned very quickly, consistency is key.

I never answer the phone if BPD calls, unless the girls are with her. I rarely ever respond to an email, unless it requires a response and I always wait until the last moment it needs to be responded too. I usually only respond with three words or less. Usually, one. Yes, sometimes I have to write more words, but you get the idea. She doesn’t like that I don’t respond to 80% of her emails, but they are emails that don’t need a response. She doesn’t like that I never answer her calls either, but I want all communicating in writing. If she texts me, I only respond if it has to do with the girls and is urgent. I’ve gone times when I’ve had 30-60 texts from her that none of them had a response, before I’d finally give a response, which could be a period of 30 days or more.

Another thing I do, I never ASK her for any favors for anything. I’ve adjusted my life so we can follow the court ordered parenting time and the only person that diverges from it is her, if she doesn’t take the kids for some reason, which for the most part, she does, unless they request to go home early.

Over the years, the communication from her has been slowing down to almost a trickle anymore. The only attacks I get anymore are from her blog or I hear from the kids.

I’m thankful the kids see through her lies and they know, that she is the one that cusses, that swears, yells, and is a nightmare to be around. They know this, not from my telling them, but by first hand experience. I get accused of so many things over there, but the girls also get accused of things they don’t do either, so they see it clear as day.

Yes, I think my ex is completely unstable and incapable of having the kids over there at all. But, outside of the verbal and emotional abuse toward them and toward me, I don’t believe she would harm the girls physically, so I have, in the interest of keeping the peace, not pursued any legal or state options that I could have probably have done by now. I figure that while it may change things in the near term, it may not change things in the long term and that would be a lot of unneeded turmoil for all parties. My best option is just simply to parent my girls to weather the storm of BPD mom and keeping tabs on her emotional stability (if such a word could even be associated with anyone that has BPD) as it comes and goes all the time. Personally, I’d like to NOT have to read her blog to be constantly torn down, but I have to, so I can keep tabs on her mental state and on her current attack positions against me.

For what it’s worth, I haven’t been in any relationships since I filed. Sure, I have dated some women, but nothing even remotely serious and I have never exposed my girls to anyone. I just turned 40, I feel like my days as a young pup are over and after the hellish marriage of with my ex and so many years single (I was only married 8 years), I don’t know if I could deal with someone else living in the same house besides my girls. Yet I love kids and would love to have more, but it is what it is. Sure, I long to experience a real marriage, but I only seem to attract the crazies and they come out of the woodwork just for me. I don't know why. I'm too nice I guess.

My ex hasn’t dated or exposed the girls to anyone if she has or did. I can’t imagine anyone even remotely wanting her, but apparently I did at one point, so I can’t say anything. LOL. (Yes, she weighs a TON more than when I married her and  I believed the lie so I'm sure others could too).

I write all of this as an update, to just give you all some hope that maybe, one day, your kids will see the truth, that co-parenting, I’m sure is hell if your not the primary parent, and while if she was the primary, would be in court every week for something and she would be a nightmare to deal with, I have not used my primary parent role to take advantage of her or to treat her with dis-respect, even though I’m sure she could go on for hours at how horrible I am, but I can prove in court with actual facts that I am as steady as a gyroscope. If she can’t take the girls on her time, I just say, “ok”. That’s it. If she contacts me to say the girls want to come back early, I say, “ok”. Once, she didn’t show up for 3 weeks and I finally was going to call her father but he called me the same day.

I’m gumby on flexibility and my girls always come first.

When I do say NO, which I’ve had to do many times, I don’t have too anymore as much, but its because of my consistency, is when I said no, it guaranteed a backlash against me, but I set the boundaries up and enforced them. For example, I rarely said yes to changes in the schedule, unless it was something like a grandparent birthday or funeral, but I always said yes when she couldn't have the kids and just wanted to leave them with me.

My ex doesn’t pay any child support, she went to court not long after our divorce finalized and said she didn’t have a job, which she didn’t at the time and she wanted to pay 0 in child support. My attorney said, it needs to be some amount, not zero because of state law or something. I said, zero is fine with me because it means she will never go back to court again, else risk getting penalized for not paying child support when she does have job. It will come down to a money decision for her, not a kid decision, she is only interested in herself. So the stipulation was that we agree’d to $0 since she had no job. She hasn’t been back to court since. Best DECISION EVER, aside from filing for divorce, which cost me nearly $125k from start to finish.

[CrackedEgg1]

 

It’s been 6 years since I filed for divorce, my divorce lasted 2 years and a few months. Before and during the divorce, this forum was my sanity in the storm and I am very thankful. I thought I was going to be able to engage more here to support others, but it was like stirring up the range of emotions that I was trying to do away with.

Here is an update. I got primary of my girls, whom are now 9 & 12. My ex constantly tore me to shreds when the kids were with her, but because the girls were so young, I never talked about anything with them, the divorce, mom’s issues, my goal was to provide a very stable environment emotionally for them. About 2 years ago, they both came to me and unloaded on all the issues they have at mom’s. For the first time, I opened up with them that I related to that, what they experienced is exactly what I experienced. They both had the biggest sigh of relief to know I knew all about what they were going through. Since then, I have been more open and address issues they have with their mom. They don’t like going over there, sometimes come home early on weekends they are to be with her. She still tries to destroy me with them and whenever they counter her, I get the blame. She tells them I was emotionally abusive, she still to this day, writes a blog talking about her PTSD and how emotionally abusive I was and how she was a victim of abuse. The girls don’t believe her because they now are old enough to put 2 and 2 together.

They say, “Dad, your the nicest and most kind person I’ve ever known.” I don’t yell, as I don’t think you can yell anyone into a good mood. When I talk about their mom now, it is only to provide factual data against the misinformation. I have, at times, dug up things from 6-8 years ago that she references that are totally false. I can show it to the kids and say, see, this is really what happened. Here is moms own words, see how she changed them.

Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with direct outbursts by my ex anymore. Occasionally I might get a “smart” response to something in an email, but those are few and far between. Granted, she writes a public blog that anyone searching google with her name could find and she spends a lot of time hating on me. I monitor it because I know she talks about the same stuff with the girls and it allows me to educate and emotionally support my girls against the onslaught.

Consistency is 100% key in dealing with anyone with BPD. The moment you break it, it’s like poking a whole in a dam. A tiny hole becomes this monstrous outflow that you don’t expect. The girls have experienced this. They will go months and months without responding to a single email or answering any of her calls, but the moment they do, they get flooded and they learned very quickly, consistency is key.

I never answer the phone if BPD calls, unless the girls are with her. I rarely ever respond to an email, unless it requires a response and I always wait until the last moment it needs to be responded too. I usually only respond with three words or less. Usually, one. Yes, sometimes I have to write more words, but you get the idea. She doesn’t like that I don’t respond to 80% of her emails, but they are emails that don’t need a response. She doesn’t like that I never answer her calls either, but I want all communicating in writing. If she texts me, I only respond if it has to do with the girls and is urgent. I’ve gone times when I’ve had 30-60 texts from her that none of them had a response, before I’d finally give a response, which could be a period of 30 days or more.

Another thing I do, I never ASK her for any favors for anything. I’ve adjusted my life so we can follow the court ordered parenting time and the only person that diverges from it is her, if she doesn’t take the kids for some reason, which for the most part, she does, unless they request to go home early.

Over the years, the communication from her has been slowing down to almost a trickle anymore. The only attacks I get anymore are from her blog or I hear from the kids.

I’m thankful the kids see through her lies and they know, that she is the one that cusses, that swears, yells, and is a nightmare to be around. They know this, not from my telling them, but by first hand experience. I get accused of so many things over there, but the girls also get accused of things they don’t do either, so they see it clear as day.

Yes, I think my ex is completely unstable and incapable of having the kids over there at all. But, outside of the verbal and emotional abuse toward them and toward me, I don’t believe she would harm the girls physically, so I have, in the interest of keeping the peace, not pursued any legal or state options that I could have probably have done by now. I figure that while it may change things in the near term, it may not change things in the long term and that would be a lot of unneeded turmoil for all parties. My best option is just simply to parent my girls to weather the storm of BPD mom and keeping tabs on her emotional stability (if such a word could even be associated with anyone that has BPD) as it comes and goes all the time. Personally, I’d like to NOT have to read her blog to be constantly torn down, but I have to, so I can keep tabs on her mental state and on her current attack positions against me.

For what it’s worth, I haven’t been in any relationships since I filed. Sure, I have dated some women, but nothing even remotely serious and I have never exposed my girls to anyone. I just turned 40, I feel like my days as a young pup are over and after the hellish marriage of with my ex and so many years single (I was only married 8 years), I don’t know if I could deal with someone else living in the same house besides my girls. Yet I love kids and would love to have more, but it is what it is. Sure, I long to experience a real marriage, but I only seem to attract the crazies and they come out of the woodwork just for me. I don't know why. I'm too nice I guess.

My ex hasn’t dated or exposed the girls to anyone if she has or did. I can’t imagine anyone even remotely wanting her, but apparently I did at one point, so I can’t say anything. LOL. (Yes, she weighs a TON more than when I married her and  I believed the lie so I'm sure others could too).

I write all of this as an update, to just give you all some hope that maybe, one day, your kids will see the truth, that co-parenting, I’m sure is hell if your not the primary parent, and while if she was the primary, would be in court every week for something and she would be a nightmare to deal with, I have not used my primary parent role to take advantage of her or to treat her with dis-respect, even though I’m sure she could go on for hours at how horrible I am, but I can prove in court with actual facts that I am as steady as a gyroscope. If she can’t take the girls on her time, I just say, “ok”. That’s it. If she contacts me to say the girls want to come back early, I say, “ok”. Once, she didn’t show up for 3 weeks and I finally was going to call her father but he called me the same day.

I’m gumby on flexibility and my girls always come first.

When I do say NO, which I’ve had to do many times, I don’t have too anymore as much, but its because of my consistency, is when I said no, it guaranteed a backlash against me, but I set the boundaries up and enforced them. For example, I rarely said yes to changes in the schedule, unless it was something like a grandparent birthday or funeral, but I always said yes when she couldn't have the kids and just wanted to leave them with me.

My ex doesn’t pay any child support, she went to court not long after our divorce finalized and said she didn’t have a job, which she didn’t at the time and she wanted to pay 0 in child support. My attorney said, it needs to be some amount, not zero because of state law or something. I said, zero is fine with me because it means she will never go back to court again, else risk getting penalized for not paying child support when she does have job. It will come down to a money decision for her, not a kid decision, she is only interested in herself. So the stipulation was that we agree’d to $0 since she had no job. She hasn’t been back to court since. Best DECISION EVER, aside from filing for divorce, which cost me nearly $125k from start to finish.

[bravhart1]

wow.

thanks for writing that. I don't know what anyone else might take away from it , but personally i found a lot of good info and hope.

I can relate and "read between the lines" of your story. you have been through hell, as most of us here can understand and you are putting your life back together in small pieces. i hope you find someone to share your life with eventually, being the SO of someone like yourself I know it's a lot to ask. Keep the faith, she's out there and you sound like you and your girls are worth it. (and for what it's worth, we aren't all crazy, though after putting up with his ex I've begun to doubt my own sanity! LOL)

Best wishes and thanks for the update 

[Forward2free]

CrackedEgg - you don't sound so cracked anymore... .

I still wonder how my kids will learn to weather the storm. BPD/NPDxh is so charming and smooth and it terrifies me that D9 and S7 will stay starry eyed and believe his tales of woe. I'm extremely concerned that one day they'll say they want to live with their dad because he has no rules and no boundaries, all things that kids love.

I am comforted by your story and I am so glad that you shared your trials and triumphs.

For the first time, I opened up with them that I related to that, what they experienced is exactly what I experienced. They both had the biggest sigh of relief to know I knew all about what they were going through. Since then, I have been more open and address issues they have with their mom.

I have spent years trying to power on for my kids and in spite of BPD/NPDxh. I guess to the kids, I seem strong and fearless - single working parents are always trying to multitask to make things work as seamlessly as possible. Just this week for the first time, I let myself be vulnerable. I told a story to them that related to what I witnessed on the phone with their dad and they didn't feel so alone. I realised I need to do that more to connect with them so that they know what they feel is real, and not something to hide from or ruminate about or be ashamed of.

I am so glad you posted this message.

Our stories have similar threads - and it's not the kind of history that anyone wants to share, but I believe that I understand what you, and other's on this board have been through. And it helps.

Thank you.

[CrackedEgg1]

I still wonder how my kids will learn to weather the storm. BPD/NPDxh is so charming and smooth and it terrifies me that D9 and S7 will stay starry eyed and believe his tales of woe. I'm extremely concerned that one day they'll say they want to live with their dad because he has no rules and no boundaries, all things that kids love.

Thats funny you say that, because the one thing my D12 has harped on many times, "Mom doesn't enforce rules or punishment, it's horrible living like that. You Dad, enforce everything and it's soo much better."

I don't have hardly any problems with the girls at all. Aside from minor sibling issues, they are the best kids in the world. Apparently, they act out a lot at Mom's and of course, I am blamed as the cause of that as well.

Yes, when they are younger, I think your better off just keep things going along. But as they get older, I think it's important to talk about it current issues, how they feel about it, and relating to them. It's been a big help for mine and ME too.

[CrackedEgg1]

I would also like to add another MAJOR detail... .

I know that BPD folks tend to turn many us off on things like Christianity, because many of them run around claiming to be Christian, but we know they must be possessed most of the time.

For the last 6 years, I have been attending a solid Bible teaching church with expository preaching/teaching. I could go on and on about God's work in my life and especially in the last 8 years. All credit goes to Him.

My ex has always claimed to be a Christian, even grew up in Christian schools. But she only knows the talk, she doesn't walk to the walk. The churches she has chosen to attending since the initial separation have been large churches that are focused on putting on a show, which is great for my ex, because her whole life is an act. Basically churches filled with unsaved believers, just like my ex.

My girls have told me, "Mom talks differently when she is with different people". My girls also notice a huge difference between the church she attends and ours.

All around my girls, they are surrounded by the vast divide between my ex and I. They see it clear as day.

[MovingOnForLife]

CrackedEgg - you don't sound so cracked anymore... .

I still wonder how my kids will learn to weather the storm. BPD/NPDxh is so charming and smooth and it terrifies me that D9 and S7 will stay starry eyed and believe his tales of woe. I'm extremely concerned that one day they'll say they want to live with their dad because he has no rules and no boundaries, all things that kids love.

I too was worried about Disneyland dad turning my kids against me and even discussed it with my T.  She assured me that my kids knew who their father really was.  I didn't believe her until just the other day when stbxUBPDh (we still live in the same house) went off on my daughter for the stupidest of reasons.  She ran to her room and and he ran to his only to come out five minutes later and go into her room.  He came out after 2-3 minutes and locked himself in his bedroom.  I went in to check on my daughter and I asked her if her father appologized to her.  She said no and then she said (and I quote) "he always tries to win me back.  First he's mean to me and then he tries to win me back."  She then proceeded to tell me about a few other times that he behaved that way.  I was surprised to hear that he treated her that way in front of my replacement.  When she was done I told her that she wasn't wrong this evening - it was her dad - that's the way he behaves.  Then she said " now I know why you're getting divorced.  I wish I could divorce daddy too." 

My beautiful, sweet daughter is only 9.

[momtara]

"I never answer the phone if BPD calls, unless the girls are with her. I rarely ever respond to an email, unless it requires a response and I always wait until the last moment it needs to be responded too. I usually only respond with three words or less. Usually, one. Yes, sometimes I have to write more words, but you get the idea. She doesn’t like that I don’t respond to 80% of her emails, but they are emails that don’t need a response. She doesn’t like that I never answer her calls either, but I want all communicating in writing. If she texts me, I only respond if it has to do with the girls and is urgent. I’ve gone times when I’ve had 30-60 texts from her that none of them had a response, before I’d finally give a response, which could be a period of 30 days or more.

Another thing I do, I never ASK her for any favors for anything. I’ve adjusted my life so we can follow the court ordered parenting time and the only person that diverges from it is her, if she doesn’t take the kids for some reason, which for the most part, she does, unless they request to go home early."

All good advice and things I am slowly learning, particularly not responding to nutty texts/emails.

As for dating, 40 is pretty young for a guy.  There are a lot of non-nuts women out there who'd be happy with a stable, sensitive dad (especially single moms).  That said, no reason to rush into it if you're happy dealing with your girls alone.  You have plenty of years left to date.

[ugghh]

Thank you so much for posting this.  My divorce from my uBPDw finalized in July and just this weekend she is threatening to sue both myself and my youngest son, S17, for goodness knows what.  She began text bombing me on Saturday until I finally had to tell her to stop and I put her phone number back on block.  So tired of hearing about what her latest "bulldog" lawyer is going to do to me.  She even told the youngest she was going to hotline me for his illegal behavior.  This for a boy who turns 18 in six months.

My goal even during the marriage was similar to your goal - to provide stability in an otherwise unstable environment.  My kids (now D21,S19,S17) learned especially as they got older that everything mom did was about mom and that if you needed to count on something getting done, you called Dad.  How do I know they learned this - unfortunately each of them has been in car accident in the last 12 months, every one of them called me before they even got out of the car, because they knew I would be there for them.

All of the kids chose to live with me, except middle child, oldest son tried going back and forth for about 7 months, but finally gave up on her and came to my house full time.  The peacefulness has been incredible, besides the normal sibling squabbles.  Most importantly, early on in the months leading up to the divorce and throughout the divorce process I made a decision that I would not cover up for their mother's erratic behavior and would discuss their feelings and emotions openly and honestly. I do not remember where I read about that strategy among the several books I read, but I felt the kids deserved validation of their feelings. 

She tells them I was emotionally abusive, she still to this day, writes a blog talking about her PTSD and how emotionally abusive I was and how she was a victim of abuse.

Wow I get this same kind of treatment, no blog but she does it through facebook and twitter posts.  She even linked a story about an abused woman who got shot in the head and said "Well this is my story except for the gunshot"  Are you even kidding me?

If anything it is the spouses and children that have PTSD, and that is our struggle.  As much as we try to not to let the ex pwBPD in to our lives, at times all we can do is laugh as we relive some of the crazy accusations - "We are late because you were the last one out the door - after she decided to take a shower 2 minutes before we had to leave and we all sat on the couch for 30 minutes waiting for the queen to descend" or the infamous "I rear ended that car but its you fault that I didn't look!"  I am sure most people on these boards have variations.  At least now the kids and I share a chuckle and move on, without fear of the rage that usually followed.

I am still working on maintaining the consistent boundaries with the exBPDw, but getting better.  I hope in a few years I can be in the same space that you are.  Thank you again for sharing, it really gives hope to us.

[ForeverDad]

My divorce lasted 2 years and a few months.

That's typical, mine was 2 weeks shy of 2 years, not including the initial 5 month separation.  I always estimate here that our high conflict cases are "two years plus or minus".

Before and during the divorce, this forum was my sanity in the storm and I am very thankful.

So true.

Here is an update. I got primary of my girls, whom are now 9 & 12. My ex constantly tore me to shreds when the kids were with her, but because the girls were so young, I never talked about anything with them, the divorce, mom’s issues, my goal was to provide a very stable environment emotionally for them. About 2 years ago, they both came to me and unloaded on all the issues they have at mom’s. For the first time, I opened up with them that I related to that, what they experienced is exactly what I experienced. They both had the biggest sigh of relief to know I knew all about what they were going through. Since then, I have been more open and address issues they have with their mom.

Validation.

Consistency is 100% key in dealing with anyone with BPD. The moment you break it, it’s like poking a whole in a dam. A tiny hole becomes this monstrous outflow that you don’t expect. The girls have experienced this. They will go months and months without responding to a single email or answering any of her calls, but the moment they do, they get flooded and they learned very quickly, consistency is key.

Boundaries.

I’m thankful the kids see through her lies and they know, that she is the one that cusses, that swears, yells, and is a nightmare to be around. They know this, not from my telling them, but by first hand experience. I get accused of so many things over there, but the girls also get accused of things they don’t do either, so they see it clear as day.

That is awesome that they can recognize the dysfunction.  So many children in these environments are sabotaged and fail to develop their own conclusions of what was right and wrong, true or false, from objective observations and hold firm to them.  I recall my ex's sister in her young adulthood was like a leaf blown about by whichever wind was blowing.  When we visited, we were bad.  By the time we left she agreed her disordered parents were the problem.  Next visit she was back to blaming us all over again.

My ex doesn’t pay any child support, she went to court not long after our divorce finalized and said she didn’t have a job, which she didn’t at the time and she wanted to pay 0 in child support. My attorney said, it needs to be some amount, not zero because of state law or something. I said, zero is fine with me because it means she will never go back to court again, else risk getting penalized for not paying child support when she does have job. It will come down to a money decision for her, not a kid decision, she is only interested in herself. So the stipulation was that we agreed to $0 since she had no job. She hasn’t been back to court since. BEST DECISION EVER, aside from filing for divorce, which cost me nearly $125k from start to finish.

After 8 years in and out of family court I recently got majority time.  My ex too pays no child support.  The magistrate's stated excuse was that financials weren't submitted.  (My lawyer said not to push the financials so ex couldn't claim I was trying to avoid paying.)  However, twice before in 2006 and in 2011 my ex failed to provide her income and so it was 'imputed' at minimum wage.  Strange that now when I, someone of the male gender, could have been a recipient that imputed income wasn't considered... .

However, that's a good point, if my ex wants to go back to court (less likely since son is almost a teen) then I might mention the child support issue.

My goal even during the marriage was similar to your goal - to provide stability in an otherwise unstable environment... .  The peacefulness has been incredible, besides the normal sibling squabbles.  Most importantly, early on in the months leading up to the divorce and throughout the divorce process I made a decision that I would not cover up for their mother's erratic behavior and would discuss their feelings and emotions openly and honestly. I do not remember where I read about that strategy among the several books I read, but I felt the kids deserved validation of their feelings.

A common misconception many people have, including our newly arrived members, is that they had to 'Stay' for the kids.  Unfortunately, 'Staying' is a counterproductive concept if the other spouse is not in meaningful therapy and making solid progress toward recovery.  Staying in such situations provides a poor example to the children and does not provide them time outside that dysfunctional environment to experience a reasonably normal life.  In these high conflict cases it makes sense - usually there is No Other Option - to provide a separate, stable and loving home for the children away from the chaos, raging, pressuring, invalidation and manipulation.  In that way at least part of their lives can be in a healthy and stable environment.

Thanks for the update.  Probably too it took you all this time to unwind and recover from it all.  Perhaps now you can 'pay it forward' to whatever level works for you.  I'm so glad your kids are doing well!