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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Step Moms... how close have you been to your "breaking point"?  (Read 467 times)
bravhart1
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« on: August 21, 2014, 01:07:54 AM »

Hate to admit it but there have been times when I have been pretty close to saying "sorry but she's making this too damn hard."



Today was another one of those days, first day of school... .she violated the court order not once but twice. Who cares? no one but me, who had to deal with her.

I'm not a person who deals well with confrontation, (i know wrong position for dealing with a BPD, but, hey I didn't pick her)  so long story short, two anxiety attack later and I'm sitting in my back yard ready to throw in the towel.

I love my new family, but... .and it's a big BUT, how much more of this BS am I going to have to take? My SD is only five. We have many years ahead of what my SD5 calls her "drama mama".

Would appreciate any support from other step moms out there who are/were where I'm at. Thanks

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Nope
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« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2014, 05:16:24 AM »

I haven't gotten close to throwing in the towel because of her, though having her illness as one more thing in the bucket of issues has certainly taken it's toll from time to time. I mean, even if everything else was perfect, which is unrealistic, she would still be a lot to take. But for me it's her on top of everything else.

What helps is to depersonalize the things she does as much as possible. And also to remember that everyone is in the same boat I am of not being able to control her. The depersonalization comes from reminding myself that she is doing what she's doing because she's crazy. (Sorry for people who don't like that word, but it works for me.) I mean, think of it this way, if she was schizophrenic and wandering around talking about people who don't even exist who are talking to her you'd be unsettled but you wouldn't take it personally if the voices in her head didn't like you. Just like with BPD her act and overreactions have nothing to do with you. Yes, you have to be the one to deal with them sometimes and that sucks and isn't fair. But I find it's best not to take the crazy too seriously.

And the second part; she violated the order twice and you feel like the only one who cares. Who are the other people who should care and don't?  Are any of them really in a position to control her any more than you can? I know in my situation the only thing I can do and the only thing I expect the kid's dad to do is have strong boundaries and stick with them. She's going to do what her disordered mind tells her to do and if we have to drag her in front of a judge every time she pulls something I'll have to start forwarding my mail to the court house. It just isn't worth it.

Care to give more details about what she did this time?
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highroadstepmom

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« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2014, 11:48:20 AM »

when I entered in this relationship my partner shared -in a balanced, stating the facts of events that had occured way - how biomom is and behaves.  3+ years later (more than 4 years since their split) I can't see that any of her behaviors our perspectives have changed to something even remotely related to neutral/civil.  But I agree with Nope - I know I can't control her behavior. I can only behave in a way that is ethical and civil.  My partner and I can take care of the kids, support them and be affirmative about all aspects of their lives - including their time with their om. She can ignore me. She can berate my partner (a favorite activity via email and in person... .preferably with an audience). Sticks and stones. We try to keep the children from witnessing these things - doesn't always work. We do what's right for the kids and maintain our boundaries with bio mom.
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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2014, 02:16:22 PM »

I haven't been there yet, but DH and I have only been together two years and change so I'm sure I'll reach that point eventually. I actually kind of (in a strange way) appreciate her disorder in regards to my relationship with DH. It has made us a really tight couple. We've been forced to be honest (brutally so, even on things we don't really want to share). We've had a "common enemy" which has united us as a team. We have been on the same page and backed each other up. I think how we handled these challenges is what has made us a strong couple. If you think about it, most other couples in our shoes won't have these tests. Sometimes I envy those couples who just get a peaceful, happy existence. But I love DH. 
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bravhart1
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« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2014, 01:24:25 AM »

thank you for responses.  I am trying to find my "inner peace" where she is concerned.

Don't know how much drama others are subjected to on a daily basis, but I think maybe because we just don't seem to get more than one day a week without her behaviour affecting our lives, it begins to feel like she is running my home instead of me. Im trying not to "feel sorry for myself" and i know that's an easy trap to fall into. I struggle with watching SD5 deal with so much and it's heartbreaking. She doesn't even know what it's like to be a carefree happy child with no worries. 

I appreciate you taking the time to respond and reach out to help.
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gherkins
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« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2014, 03:41:16 PM »

Oh, the exwife drives me bat-sht crazy some days.  I see what she has done to my husband, I see what she is doing to the daughter, and I want to headbutt her.  All of the drama, the missed phone calls, the withheld visitations, the calls to the police and to DFS, the ways she has tried to keep my husband and his little girl apart from each other - I get more upset that I should.  And my husband always wants to take the high road, which to me is way too passive.  And I know the kiddo loves her mother, so I can't tell her that what she is doing or saying is completely wrong and unhealthy. I have to frame it, and rephrase it so that I don't appear to be the evil stepmother who is simply trying to replace her mom.  I have to bite my tongue sometimes, and walk away until I can be calm and say things that aren't completely inappropriate to say to a little kid. 

Like Nope said, you have to depersonalize things, and I have to make myself remember that sometimes.
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NorthernGirl
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« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2014, 08:05:18 PM »

Hey bravhart1 -- I can certainly relate to saying its too damn hard. I have asked myself many times in the 8 years I've known DH if I could handle the craziness. For the most part, we are hopefully past the worst now (stepkids are all adults) but the youngest has special needs so DH and his ex are joint guardians. So for the foreseeable future, DH still has to communicate with her.

We went through some wild times. But as Thunderstruck says, I felt that DH and I bonded together with his ex as the "common enemy". When it came to dealing with the kids' wellbeing, we would set out a plan for what was best for them. DH's ex has called me names, lied about me, screamed at me outside a jail and in the emergency ward, tried to turn the kids against me -- all the usual things. But in many ways, most of her antics didn't work. I stood my ground, the kids saw through her fears and we all carried on. She still has more control over my life and the atmosphere in our house than I'd like, but generally we do okay.

It was a pretty strong test of our marriage. But I figure if we can survive that, DH and I can survive whatever else is thrown our way. And if helping him through all of this wasn't a testament to my love, I don't know what is!

A few things that helped me:

* reading the posts on this site and asking members here for help. I've got lots of great advice, including reminders to focus on the kids, not on DH's ex.

* I took a stepmom course, which was really helpful. The instructor was a therapist and she had some great advice that worked for me.

* I went to a counsellor. At one point she asked -- how are you going to not be a statistic? (most second marriages where kids are involved don't work. Add in BPD, and I'm sure the odds get even worse.) I brought the question home to DH and we talked it out.

* I read stepmom magazine. It reminded me that some of the madness was just regular stuff that all stepmoms deal with.

* I used all the resources to help define the role I wanted. Rather than trying to do so much and "save" DH and the kids, I focused on being a good role model for the kids and being a support for DH as he parented his kids.

* I said "no" to some of the demands for my attention. I looked after myself - ate healthy, exercised, etc. When things got wild, sometimes I got in the car and went for a drive, or went out for a walk. I did yoga. I read.

You can do this if you figure out where to put your energy and if your partner supports you. Sometimes I had to push hard on my partner -- reminding him that these were his kids, that I didn't sign up to fill in everything that he wanted done for him. It's never been easy, but we have got to a good place. And since stuff is still coming our way, we keep applying what we've learned and moving forward.

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catclaw
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« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2014, 07:57:43 AM »

* I went to a counsellor. At one point she asked -- how are you going to not be a statistic? (most second marriages where kids are involved don't work. Add in BPD, and I'm sure the odds get even worse.) I brought the question home to DH and we talked it out.

* I used all the resources to help define the role I wanted. Rather than trying to do so much and "save" DH and the kids, I focused on being a good role model for the kids and being a support for DH as he parented his kids.

THESE are amazing thoughts! Sometimes I have trouble verbalizing what I expect from my role or what society/family etc. expect, but this just hits the point! Thank you for this!
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Panda39
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« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2014, 12:37:42 PM »

bravhart1,

I have been there several different times. 

I met my SO shortly after he separated from his stbuBPDexw and he was living in the FOG in a major way. I walked into a relationship that was all drama all the time!  I can't tell you how many times our time together was interrupted by phone calls from the ex.  One time my brother came to town for a visit (which is very rare) and I wanted him to meet my SO so we along with my son went out to dinner and like clockwork she called during dinner and he took the call and spent at least an hour outside talking to her, we waited for him until the restaurant closed.  He was still engaged in the same emotional dance they had been doing for the whole marriage. 

The divorce was an awful period for my SO it involved parental alienation, false accusations of child abuse, one daughter taken out of school for a year by her mother, and neglect on the part of mom in terms of a filthy house, and lack of medical/dental care for the kids.  I was crazy about this man and supported him in all the ways I could.  I reminded him that he was a good father, I validated his decision to leave his marriage, I talked strategy on how to deal with all the situations the ex put him in, I read about high conflict divorce, step parenting and loved this man in spite of it all.

What I forgot about in all my "care taking" was caring for myself and I lost it, broke down and thought what am I doing here?  Should I stay in this relationship it was soo hard!  By then it was too late I was full on in love.

I took some time for myself and went right back in.

Later his ex was evicted for the first time (of three) and all of the sudden he had two kids I had never met 24/7... .did we have a relationship now?  Can you have a relationship by phone?  We struggled here too.  Once again I thought do I stay?  But when it was just us this man was so much of what I had been looking for.  Sweet, kind, smart, funny, thoughtful, nerdy, and strong I saw his strength every time he reasserted himself and took another step out of the FOG.  He was worth it I was staying.

With the divorce complete he won primary custody of his daughters then I had a whole other situation to deal with (and am still working on this one!) developing a relationship with his daughters who have been and still are enmeshed with mom.  I've tried interacting with both girls but have been rejected (that stung). I was invited to the older daughter's graduation but was not comfortable being around the ex (I really fear that I will just lose it and tell her what I think  ) So my options were to not go, go but leave early or go and hang out with "the family".  I really wanted to go and support dad and his daughter I felt that was the right thing to do so I said I'd go.  Then thought more about it... .it didn't feel right to slink off following the ceremony, but it felt even worse to stay and meet the ex.  I made a mistake saying yes and now felt trapped by my own decision.  I lost it in my own conflict with what I thought was the right thing to do and what I really wanted to do.  I backed out and hurt my SO and his daughter and initially felt awful... .then relieved.  So I thought again is this right for me?  Will I ever have a decent relationship with his daughters?  What would it mean if I couldn't?  Did I still want to try?

It always comes back to the fact that underneath all of the drama and conflict I love this man and he and I are really good for each other 

Excerpt
I haven't been there yet, but DH and I have only been together two years and change so I'm sure I'll reach that point eventually. I actually kind of (in a strange way) appreciate her disorder in regards to my relationship with DH. It has made us a really tight couple. We've been forced to be honest (brutally so, even on things we don't really want to share). We've had a "common enemy" which has united us as a team. We have been on the same page and backed each other up. I think how we handled these challenges is what has made us a strong couple. If you think about it, most other couples in our shoes won't have these tests. Sometimes I envy those couples who just get a peaceful, happy existence. But I love DH.  love

The above is true of us also.  We are a team and we have learned a lot about ourselves as individuals and as a couple.  I have seen so much emotional growth in my SO since we've been together and am truly proud of him.

The question I always ask myself is... .Is it worth it to throw the baby (my SO) out with the bath water (uBPDex/drama)?  So far the answer is "no".

And don't forget to take care of yourself.  Go do something fun away from it all.  My escapes are crafting, reading, "chick flick" night with some girlfriends, and lately binge watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on Netflix  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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bravhart1
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« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2014, 01:32:09 PM »

thanks again for your replies. We are still kind of stuck in the muck over here as uBPDm has really been out of control.

I have totally abandoned my life and any self care and I realize that was a BIG mistake. I'm not doing well, physically worn out and emotionally a wreck (and prob a nightmare to be around).

I have to re-prioritize and put me in mix, not making me and my life last on the list.

I had a big realization that I have been feeling "entitled" to a break, and an easier life. I have been waiting to see her actions come back on her instead of on me, but that's not gonna happen (at least in my time frame or for the same reasons I want it to).

I need to remember she is living a bigger hell than I could dream up, she has to live with herself all day everyday.

Still open to any suggestions other SO have on keeping the balance.
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Panda39
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« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2014, 06:57:16 PM »

Hi Bravhart1,

Thanks for starting this thread I always like it when we stepmoms can chat.  I sometimes feel like we are a cousin once removed or something   (but no less in it)

Over the last 4 years that I have been with my SO I have learned much about BPD but I think the most important thing I have had to learn is that I cannot control his uBPDexw.  She is gonna do what she is gonna do no matter what. 

Court orders don't stop her, police don't stop her, school principals don't stop her, school counselors don't stop her, therapists don't stop her, her father can't stop her, her friends can't stop her, her kids can't stop her, my SO can't stop her and I least of all can't stop her from doing all of the stupid and hurtful things that she does.

I have finally learned to stop wasting my energy getting angry about things I cannot control.  Am I always perfect at doing this no, however I find that I am reacting less and frequently. 

For example uBPDexw took the oldest to her first day of college and she also wanted to take the younger daughter who had already started back at school.  Dad decided to let the D13 go too since her school wasn't in full swing yet and she wouldn't miss much, she wouldn't be seeing her sister for a while and the college was at a place she had never been.

We also didn't know if the trip was really going to happen because the ex had been making all kinds of travel promises all summer that of course never came to fruition.  It became a running joke with dad and D13 all summer long.

Anyway they go D13 was to miss school Th & F (dads time) and was due back Sun. 

Well surprise we get a call from uBPDexw that they missed their flight because of traffic. Seriously, she missed the flight because of traffic in a small New England town on a Sunday afternoon.  WOW... .really  . 

In the past SO and I would have flipped out and that would have just escalated everything.  So we just continued to eat our lunch and told her to email us the new itinerary.  We actually gave each other a pat on the back for how we handled that one.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I mean what were we gonna do what's done was done.  Were we happy about what happened? No way D13 missed another day of school and that extra day cut into dads time with her.

Mom and her drama were ignored and all turned out well but what she hasn't realized yet is that there are consequences for her actions.  Next time she wants to do something on dads time the answer will be "No" she lost any flexibility that he was willing to give.

My list for keeping balance is... .

1) Just let stuff go related to BPDex when you can (unless dangerous)

2) Take time with your Husband alone as a couple (re-group, remind yourself

    what a great guy he is and why you're with him)

3) Spend time with friends (take your head out of the drama and just have fun)

4) Spend time doing what you love (crafting, reading, hiking, shopping etc)

5) Spend time alone (relax and get grounded)

6) Eat well

7) Sex

8) Sleep well

9) Did I say Sex?  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

I realize any busy mom has a hard time getting to everything on that list everyday, let alone a mom with a BPDex out there but when you get frazzled just pick at least 1 thing on your list and do it.

I hope you are feeling better today and have stepped back off the ledge so to speak.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Sending you a great big   !  Hope you have a fun relaxing Labor Day with your family.
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catclaw
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« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2014, 03:04:13 AM »

dear bravhart,

I'm only just at the beginning of getting to deal with all this. I was raging and feeling treated unfair for 4 years. Only now that SS7 is living here with us, I can start the process of coping.

I'm in my mid-twenties, my plans were different from having a 7y/o at home at this age, you know, I didn't feel ready for having kids, that's why I don't have any biokids. I know, I married a man with a son, that was clear to me from the very beginning. But what wasn't clear to me (and it's just now getting clearer as i found this board, and being able to communicate with women in the same situation) was, that having an uBPDxgf/m on board is/can be more exhausting that taking care of a child. My thoughts used to be "if this happens, everything will get better". It didn't. This was my own cycle - hoping that this hearing, that moving to another place, anything, would distress the situation. To see it can even get worse and start at the beginning. For years. I had to learn the hard way that I have to change the way i think about it. This summer i got really really sick - after the first week with SS7, husband at work, kid on vacation and me never having spent time with him alone before and his mother in the background not-wanting this thing or the other, threatening me and my husband. I know my body very very well, so I knew that unstoppable vomiting is always a psychological sign to let go of things i cannot change - because i already made this experience. It took me 7 days, 6kg and having to be fed through the vein 4 times until i got there. An I really get better at things.

What I figured out so far (while still being in the process):

- Cranio-Sacral-Therapy (energetic bodywork) works very well for me. It might sound like quackery, but to me this is very helpful.

- Focusing on MY OWN plans, even though it's hard combining my studies and my work with having SS7 here. I'm lucky I can rely on my family who help me when both sides collide (like my mom picking SS7 up from school when I'm still at work or my brother going grocery shopping for all of us when I'm busy between taking the little one to his sports, writing essays for university and doing laundry). My priority is finishing my degree - THIS was my choice and i remind myself everyday how lucky of a person I am that everybody around supports me, husband and SS7.

- Spending time with my family - Giving back the favors they do me all the time. Inviting my mom for breakfast, going to the cinema with my brother. That is what gives me back all the energy.

- HAVING EVERY CORRESPONDENCE WITH uBPDxgf/m FILED. We have not been to court yet, but if one day things get messy, we have everything we ever got in written form handy in a file. Which is also important for hearings at the child services. Just print and store away - and relax.

- Reflecting on my actions/feelings - sometimes SS7 talks about his supermom while being angry at me for helping him with his homework. I sometimes feel very angry and need a second to reflect- is it really him that makes me feel this right now? I have to bite my tongue in these moments not to give punishments (like not allowing him to play video games this day or whatever) because IT IS NOT HIM. It's a problem that I (!) have with HIS MOTHER which he just can't be made responsilbe for. That helped me get along with some of his behaviours towards me, like comparing me to her (in which i always lose, obviously).

- Not expecting a "thank you" from her. I tell myself every.single.day: You do an amazing job. You do everything she isn't able to, even though having kids wasn't YOU choice, but HERS. The reason she doesn't appreciate any of your actions are fear, envy and most of all HERSELF. And do you really need her to appreciate you for giving her kid a safe/ loving/ stable place to live at? (I ask myself that question all the time, so far the answer is YES, I WANT HER TO APPRECIATE AND SEE THAT I'M DOING SOME AMAZING WORK OVER HERE, but i want to come to a clear NO, THANK YOU! long way to go ^^)


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Panda39
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« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2014, 12:32:24 PM »

Hi Catclaw,

Just wanted to say I think you are doing really well considering you all of the sudden have a 7yo son it is a dramatic change  in your life all by it's self but then you throw in a BPDmom and you are in for quite a ride.  You are also very lucky to have your family near you and so willing to pitch in an help they sound great.

Excerpt
Reflecting on my actions/feelings - sometimes SS7 talks about his supermom while being angry at me for helping him with his homework. I sometimes feel very angry and need a second to reflect- is it really him that makes me feel this right now? I have to bite my tongue in these moments not to give punishments (like not allowing him to play video games this day or whatever) because IT IS NOT HIM. It's a problem that I (!) have with HIS MOTHER which he just can't be made responsilbe for. That helped me get along with some of his behaviours towards me, like comparing me to her (in which i always lose, obviously).

- Not expecting a "thank you" from her. I tell myself every.single.day: You do an amazing job. You do everything she isn't able to, even though having kids wasn't YOU choice, but HERS. The reason she doesn't appreciate any of your actions are fear, envy and most of all HERSELF. And do you really need her to appreciate you for giving her kid a safe/ loving/ stable place to live at? (I ask myself that question all the time, so far the answer is YES, I WANT HER TO APPRECIATE AND SEE THAT I'M DOING SOME AMAZING WORK OVER HERE

I have found both of these things with my SO's uBPDex also.  However as the kids D14 & D18 have gotten older and the longer their parents have been separated they have grown see who has a problem and who doesn't.

Their mother is either neglectful or indulgent she never does any of the hard day to day work of raising a child.  She either fails to act or throws money at things. 

Keep doing what you're doing show your SS7 what a nice home is and a loving family is... .show him an alternate universe from the one he has with mom.  It is early days now but just be consistent and he will grow to see what is healthy and safe and who loves him.  He will always love his mom but he will come to realize that she has problems and he will not be able to count on her.

You will never get a thank you from SS7 mom she sees you as a threat.  A pwBPD emotionally sees in Black & White.  Because you are a threat to the love of her son she will see you all Black.  She will never be able to see the Gray which is... .even though she and dad split up at least the new woman in his life treats my son well. She is unable to see it that way.

I want to say again I think your doing great... .you have self care going which I find to be key.  We aren't able to help anyone if we are falling apart.

Documenting everything with the ex is also very important keep those records you might need them.

My suggestion is to work on keeping the drama level with mom down.  Communicate via email only, it gives you time to calm down and think before you answer so you don't just give her a knee jerk response.  It gives you the opportunity to see if she has something legitimate to say or is it all garbage designed to start a fight. You do not have to respond if the email if it's garbage.  Respond only to items regarding SS7 and keep it short and sweet.  Don't take the bait when the ex is looking for drama.  My SO has found that when he doesn't take the bait his uBPDexw backs off.  She is not getting what she wants which is emotional interaction... .drama. Try not to feed the drama (even though you might be dying too).

I'm glad you found this site it has been a great support for my SO and myself.  Have you let your husband know about us too he might find posting here helpful and supportive too.  Posting here has generated many really good conversations with my SO and I and has helped us be on the same page about our approach regarding his ex.

What does your husband think of what has been going on?  What has his approach to the ex been?  Are you getting his support? 

I just wanted to encourage you to keep up the good work you're doing great Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #13 on: September 02, 2014, 01:09:57 PM »

Panda Smiling (click to insert in post)

I just came home from work after a stressful day (i work with schizophrenic adolescents and young adults, what an irony x)) and your message just made my day. Thanks a lot!

All of the sudden really hits the point. We didn't know he would be moving in with us until the end of June - only one month to get used to the thought of raising a child - yay! But to me it was the only RIGHT decision. The alternative would have been - back to the foster family again which wasn't an option, neither for my husband nor for me or my family (we have so much familiar history with mental illnesses combined with foster care/ adoption / separation, it was clear that "my generation" was the one to break these intergenerational habits... .i found out so much about my family and i have really good experience with the systemic approach on conflicts).

I he was my bioson, I would have given birth with 17 years. Which sounds ridiculous to me (knowing my 17-year-old self!). But still, I feel I kind of grow into that challenge of raising him.

My husband... well, he's been through more sh** with her than i would ever be able to stand. Until he met me (his son was 3 back then) he wouldn't ever say no to her, just not to get in conflict and be left in peace. The boundary-thing again... Everything changed for her and sure, i was the enemy. totally makes sense to me, when i was there he wouldn't drive the 40km at 2am to repair stuff in her home anymore because she "just couldn't". So yeah, his approach used to be "don't upset her", now it's more like "i understand that you want this, but this isn't possible, so choose an alternative: a, b, c, or d" which seems pretty good to me. He works from 6am to 6pm every day, so most of the time SS7 is at home, he's at work. But he really really supports me - he doesn't let her BS get through to me, he filters the information and keeps the rest to himself and for the file (the insults, the threats etc.). That helps a lot. When i got sick due to the stress level i achieved, he was the one to organize the people around me to help out. i can always count on him!

the other day my brother said to me "you will see, SS is such a smart little guy, if one day he wins the nobel prize, she will be the one to stand there and make sure everyone knows how she supported him all his life. you should start to get used to that thought RIGHT NOW, maybe then it won't upset you too much that day in the future". So yeah, I will!

Thanks again for your post! I had tears in my eyes when I read it!   Support from others is so important, sometimes I feel everyone forgets that while hating at her. Again, I feel that's more attention than she should get.

You have so much good advise to give and I'm thankful you share your experience with others Smiling (click to insert in post)

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ennie
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Gender: Female
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Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2014, 11:00:46 AM »

I have always been clear that I have wanted to be with my DH, but there have been times where I have thought, "If this continues, I cannot be well and do this, so I will have to leave him for my own well being!" 

More importantly, there have been times where my physical and psychological well being felt at risk.  I gained a lot of weight, had a burst appendix, had a major knee injury... .all of these things occurred at particularly stressful times in the family.  And, I felt my sense of happiness and safety erode, felt fear all the time during some periods, felt utterly helpless. 

Right now, things are in a really different place.  First, I put a LOT of energy into self care.  I basically made a decision--"I want to be with my DH and SDaughters, and I want to be happy, so something has to change.  If I can change it without leaving, I will." 

DH and I saw a counselor, the kids got into therapy, I started with a T too... .I got a women's group.  I worked hard.  One therapist did not really work for me, but the current one does.  I needed support that would allow it to be hard without being terrible. 

One big shift was seeing how important my own well being is, and how important that is for each of us in the family dealing with the BPD person.  We all needed lots of support.  Eating well, exercise, fun and relaxing down time, laughter. My T pretty much insisted I take a 2 day trip away from home once a month during the hardest times... .I went to a spa, or camping somewhere beautiful. Or to the coast.  DH and I also had alone time with each girl during hard times, special dates during which we were not rushing to school or mediating fights.  I had to ask DH for more boundaries--between us and BPDmom, and between him and me. No more knowing about ugly texts.  I stopped being involved with transitions if mom was present.  I also became very clear that I did not want to be present in the home if he was going to take calls from her, as they were always abusive and VERY long and would lead to terrible family conflict afterwards.  When DH did not follow the court order, I let him know that if I was going to share my home with him, I needed those boundaries.  He agreed.  I spent a lot of time trying to get from him what HE wanted as boundaries, so it was not only me.  He is very accommodating, so it takes a lot of listening and asking to ferret out what he wants, but I took that time.  So now I can remind him WHY we do not take her calls, from HIS point of view. 

A big part of why DH left his ex was so the kids did not have to experience them fighting and mom's physical and verbal abuse of DH.  So to allow that to continue is the same dynamic, and is VERY hard for the kids.  When I remind him of that, he is good at keeping the boundaries in the court order, which include written communication only.

But the biggest change for me is a shift from "How much of this can I stand?"--which left me always depleted--to "What does it take for me to be functioning optimally so I can do a good job of this?"    The result is that I have become a more tolerant, patient, persistent, self-loving, kind, strong, and humble person, and for that I will always be grateful to BPD mom and my lovely step-daughters.  I also have come to really own that I count.  That how I feel and what I want is just as important as any other person in my family--I am not last because I am "just" a step mom.  If I model that I matter, it gives the girls the ability to know that they matter.  And when they know they matter, they say stuff like, "Right now I am angry at you" instead of "everyone hates me, everyone hates my mom, poor us, I need to live with her because she is the only one who understands me. " Which in turn makes my experience much more enjoyable and manageable. 

How that looks on a daily basis is that I take a lot of walks, have negotiated to spend every third night when we have the kids up in the little guesthouse, alone... .I eat more vegetables, take more supplements, go for a walk or bike ride most mornings, attend 2 women's groups, see a T about once a month or every 2 months with DH, the kids have T's they see when the going gets rough.  I am taking a spa trip with a girlfriend next month, and in October my art group is going to spend 3 days on the coast in a beach house.  I am starting my own non-profit, as I became aware that my work and changing the world is one of the things that is most important to me that fell by the wayside during the hard time--so even if I am imperfect at it with all the stress in our family, I want to try to do what I believe in because it makes me happy. 

After 7 years with DH, I feel like I am gaining my balance. 

A final thing I want to say as a SM is that it has become so clear how much of a difference I make in my SDs lives, in part because they tell me so all the time.  The quality of love I give them is steady and balanced.  I set limits when it is too much, and when they mimic their mom's destructive way of being close to people (raging, blame, cruel statements, threatening to leave)  I let them know how that feels and that I know they want to be loving, I show them how and I ask for them to repay the energy it takes to deal with that pain and stress so that we are back to feeling loving.  And they do it.  My SD14 has never refused to do what I ask to make up for being mean, even when she is furious at me.  So then she does not feel ashamed of being mean, and my heart opens back up to her, and we are good.  In the long run, that is just more powerful than her mom's attempts to alienate the kids from us.  Love is really strong.  I let the kids know all the time that I love them, and that my love comes from inside of me, so it does not matter how mean they are or how angry they are, it is still there, because it is mine.  And, that when they say hurtful things, it is painful to me and makes it hard for me to want to connect and help them. 

At this point, SD14 is still enmeshed w/mom in so many ways, but mom's attempts at alienation which used to seem so powerful have totally failed.  SD14 recently said to me, "You are my best friend.  And my mom is too.  I am just lucky that way."  She grew up being told that her mom could be the ONLY important person in her life, so that is huge. SD10 likes to cuddle with me in the morning when she first wakes up.  Today she said, "I wish I could have your bed and you could have my bed, because I love your bed.  But the thing I like about it is that you are in it, warming it up for me, so I guess that would not really work." 

On this site, from others in our society, from books, I heard repeatedly that I needed to take a backseat as a SM.  But that made no sense to me.  I do not want to be a mom, I am not inherently a threat to mom.  The kids have a mom, they KNOW I am not their mom.  MOM thinks I am a threat, but she thinks everyone is a threat.  There is nothing I can DO to get her to trust me.  So why not just do what works for me, DH, and the kids?  To take my place at the table, and speak up about how I feel, what I want.  And to listen to the kids for how they feel, what they want.  It is not a threat to me if they want their mom more than their dad at times.  What should it be?  They are kids, they have feelings that change.  If I let them love who they love and see that they are doing their best with an impossible situation, it is really not that hard.  I cannot tell you how many times I have said to enmeshed SD14 "I have no power or control about who you live with or what your parents agree to.  But I can listen, and let you know I love you and hear you and know you are doing your best in a really hard situation.  I can tell you about choices my parents made when I was a kid that upset me, and how it felt to me to be powerless.  Being a kid, you are powerless a lot.  Part of what you are doing at this age is learning where you have power and where you do not, and learning to use the power you have in ways that feel good to you and others." 

So while SD14 first came to me to blame me and parrot her mom's anger at daddy and me, she now comes to me for advice, often before she approaches mom or dad.  "I wanted to ask you first because I know you would tell me what you really think, and that you would be thinking about what would be best for me, not just what you want." 

I had no desire whatsoever to be especially important in my SDs' lives.  I just wanted to work it out so I could love them and keep my heart open and not be run over, and so they could have the same.  But what has developed are two of the most loving, respectful, enriching, educational, profound relationships I have had in my life. 

And, I am still totally in love with DH. 

The last thing I want to say is that I had to get really clear that I was not in this for love, for my DH, for the kids.  I was in it because of me, because it served what is deeply important to me, because I was learning what I needed to learn to be the person I wish to be.  At the hardest times, I could always ask myself if the work I had to do to make it all bearable was work that was deeply good for me, and it always was. 

Thinks are still really challenging, but our boat is strong enough that mom's drama waves just do not rock it much.  These days, the only things that really make me question whether I can do this (which I still do!) is how busy and overwhelmed we get, and how little time alone I get.  I am needing more now that I am taking on bigger projects.  Being happier has not made me need self care less!  It makes me need more! 

I wish you a profound, meaningful, educational adventure.  I hope that you come to know yourself more deeply through this experience, and come to value yourself more in that process.  I hope that the result is that you find a way to stay in your family in a way that is happy for you.  But more important, I hope that you listen to your own needs and that little inner voice that knows what is right for you, regardless of whether it is staying with your family, and regardless of whether it is right for others.  The great think about what I have learned from BPDmom is that it feels so intense, but really, nothing that bad is actually happening.  We all learn from challenging life experiences, but if it is cancer or the death of someone close or a crippling illness, then you also have the real world consequences from it... .but BPD people can churn up lots of intense feelings without necessarily having any real reason!  So I think it is important to notice... .what is really happening here?  Not to get to caught up in it.  Mostly, it is just her processing intense feelings in herself that come from a totally different situation--in my BPDex wife in law's case, from a horribly abusive childhood.  It really has nothing to do with me, and is relatively inconsequential over time, so long as we stay steady. 

So in sum, the good that comes of this outweighs the bad.  I have grown stronger and happier by knowing BPD mom, though that was NOT the case for the first 3-5 years.  The kids have grown more loving and more strong and self-aware, though in the past I really worried about them because of how they related to mom and how mom could not really love them unconditionally. So it is not always how it appears. 

Good luck.  We are here for you. 
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