When the smear campaigns make YOU look crazy...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Because of BPD mom's smear campaign, rumors have been spread about me in my professional circles.  I have quashed a few (that I slept around with influential people to get ahead, for instance) and have just hoped for the best, but the whole experience has really left me on edge in that regard.

Recently, someone in my profession asked me a question which made me strongly believe that she had heard one of the rumors that had been going around about me (that and the fact that she and one of the people who has been sucked in by BPD mom are very good friends).  I wrote a small group email stating that the rumor was not true and alluded to the smear campaign and asked that these professionals do what they can to prevent this rumor from spreading. 

Well, that someone replied all and stated that she had no idea what rumor I was talking about and claimed she was guessing that information was true based on something else.  Then asked that I not involve her anymore.

So now I feel like the crazy one starting drama.  I am not sure I believe her story 100%, but what else is she going to say? "I am sorry for believing that rumor, and I will stop it from spreading."

I am just going to write back a quick apology and drop it.

Is the best strategy to just ignore these rumors flying around and just stop them individually?  I feel like sometimes I am getting a PTSD-like reaction when I am confronted with them.

[sanemom]

Because of BPD mom's smear campaign, rumors have been spread about me in my professional circles.  I have quashed a few (that I slept around with influential people to get ahead, for instance) and have just hoped for the best, but the whole experience has really left me on edge in that regard.

Recently, someone in my profession asked me a question which made me strongly believe that she had heard one of the rumors that had been going around about me (that and the fact that she and one of the people who has been sucked in by BPD mom are very good friends).  I wrote a small group email stating that the rumor was not true and alluded to the smear campaign and asked that these professionals do what they can to prevent this rumor from spreading. 

Well, that someone replied all and stated that she had no idea what rumor I was talking about and claimed she was guessing that information was true based on something else.  Then asked that I not involve her anymore.

So now I feel like the crazy one starting drama.  I am not sure I believe her story 100%, but what else is she going to say? "I am sorry for believing that rumor, and I will stop it from spreading."

I am just going to write back a quick apology and drop it.

Is the best strategy to just ignore these rumors flying around and just stop them individually?  I feel like sometimes I am getting a PTSD-like reaction when I am confronted with them.

[bravhart1]

Not sure what you have to apologize for... .?

But I was once in a pretty similar situation (not around a BPD) but none the less, office, rumor, email, etc.

I got the same kind of reply, and the part about asking to keep them out of it, is priceless. I just responded by pointing out that ONLY reason she was IN it was because she brought it to my table, not the other way around, then ended with a quote that put the rest of them on notice... .

In the end we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends... .

Best of luck.

[ImaFita]

I just pay no attention to fabricated lies, I don't even give them legs.

If people want to believe the lies - then good on them, just don't expect me to care.

They spread lies to get a reaction - or attention - and half the time IMO they are stretching.

I remember there was a time when I used to tell my family that my sons uBPD Mother was crazy

and more often than not - I was the one who looked like I was crazy, because I was pushing an agenda they didn't believe was there.

So I relate smear campaigns in a similar way, just let them rant on, people don't buy into it - they see them as whingers.

I just let go of everything, I don't try and control anything anymore, to let go is to gain control back of your life.

If these lies relate to court I'd nip them in the bud, but outside of that I see reacting to them everytime they come up - as feeding the troll.

[momtara]

So now I feel like the crazy one starting drama.

Unfortunately, that's part of what happens in crazy making and gaslighting. 

I was trying to decide whether it's better to address individually, or in a group (so it's less confrontational, but also more vague) and I'm not sure.  Not an easy decision!

[livednlearned]

Smear campaigns are like an adult form of parental alienation.

I think it's good to get ahead of the message, but you have to handle it carefully, just like you do with alienation. Not doing anything seems too passive.

But after, you have to adopt radical acceptance just like we do with other disengaging techniques, and let people have whatever reactions they will. Most people don't care about our reputations as much as we do, although certainly some of the smear tactics can cause serious harm. But I do think most reasonable, healthy people really don't want to hear anything about this or that, not really. If a rumor comes their way and you don't dispel it, they have nothing else to counter with except their own perspective on gossip.

No need to apologize. Let it go silent. And don't be surprised if she's the one who won't let it drop.

[sanemom]

Yeah, I am mad at myself for addressing it with the two people I know were talking about it.  They acted like they had no idea what I was talking about.  I did that two sentence response after the first one wrote back and the second one felt the need to reply anyway and claim she had no idea what I was talking about either.  I am no longer responding and hopefully it will be forgotten soon.

Learned my lesson... .