Bank accounts..

[figurethis]

Sigh had a small blow up last night. It was about placing her name on a savings account in my name. Some background about the situation. We are recently married (5 months with a child on the way). I have always been very open with money in the relationship.

I came in to the relationship with a significant amount of money in savings and a good income. She was in bad shape financially with bad credit and a large amount of student debt ($150k+) and a job that was not even covering minimum payments. Shortly into the relationship I knew she was the one for me and wanted to help her as much as I could. So I have been fully supporting her financially since then and even used a portion of the savings to pay down some of the debt. I have been helping her be more responsible and financially smart. And she has been doing well with it and I make sure she knows.

She has not been working for awhile now so all the income is from me which we came to that decision together and I had no problem with it. We have a joint checking account that she has access to already. I am completely open with my finances, she has all the passwords to the accounts and we use mint so everything is tracked openly between us. She has her own savings account in her own name which I have never asked anything about. I have always referred to everything I have/earn as ours and working toward a joint goal of owning a house paying down our debts etc.

But last night more acutely and for a couple weeks now she has been mentioning wanting to be put on the savings accounts in my name. I understand how she feels that its a sign of commitment and trust. I understand those feelings but my reasonings for not wanting to are not just about me. One reason is she still has a large amount of debt in her name if I make the accounts in her name as well and God forbid something happens the debtors would come for assets in her name. Secondly she may want to go back to school and having huge bank accounts in her name are not going to help her financially schoolwise.

And I know this is a personal reason which I did not say to her. Because in all honesty I feel bad about it. Because I do trust and do want to help her and I feel my actions and openness have shown that. But it hard to make a move like that when your partner has continually threatened the relationship i.e dating ("i'm breaking up", engagement ("it's over take your ring", marraige ("i want a divorce"and pregnancy ("I'm leaving and taking and taking MY child". It's really hard and hurtful to have been making these huge commitments when I don't feel like I get the same commitment and emotional stability in return. Please don't get me wrong my wife loves me and I do not think she would do anything like those things stated by her but its hard to hear and quite a tightrope to walk with someone that probably has undiagnosed BPD.

I tried validating her feelings and letting her know I can understand why she could feel the way she does. But when I tried to state the truth she could not see it beyon her feelings. Then after trying a few times she said a few things that were very hurtful and I knee jerk defended and we all know where that leads. Thankfully I think my previous work in trying to show I empathized with her feeling mad it dissipate a bit quicker but still not a fun time.

I guess I'm asking am I being distrustful here or to protective of myself? I've really tried to make her feeling like she is a valued partner and not someone that is treated like a child. I know the financial situation from her point of view must feel very dependent.

Thanks for listening

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

I don't know what country you live in, but in the USA and a few others once the marriage is legal ALL money and property owned by both partners is then jointly owned whether both names are on the account or not.

Essentially, if you are under that sort of legal system then you have already committed to the risk of her leaving you in a BPD rage and taking half (or more) of everything.

If you're good with money you should be able to manipulate the system to place a few good chunks of it in a safe place as a backup plan. Worst case, cash buried in a safe she doesn't know about.

But in all reality, if you're committed to her (as we firmly are on this Staying board!), then just go ahead and take the plunge and put her name on it - because it will work in a positive manner to establish trust.

The pwBPD will always have trust issues. Read up on The Lessons, and read through the amazing depth of experiences we share in these threads. Heck, run a search on your thread title keywords - you are not alone.

Be forewarned that a pregnant woman with BPD can really fly off the handle, as the hormonal changes spike emotions with a special intensity. Holy cow, I had some really hard episodes during my uBPDw's pregnancy.

Good luck!

[figurethis]

Thanks for the reply Mono, I do live in the US. As far as my understanding it doesn't quite work that way in my state. Though I'm not really worried about becoming divorced. That section was more me venting my feelings on the situation because I know its not something I could easily bring up with her. But the other non personal concerns are real so I'm not sure if I am ready for that either. I guess part of me feels like I have been completely committed, trusting and open. And I get to be questioned about it constantly. I really have tried to be as "radically accepting" as I can be. But sometimes it is hard to find the line where the boundaries exist.

I'll check them out again. I have been lurking these boards posting occasionally for awhile but sometimes its good to review.

Actually I find the pregnancy has helped her be calmer in out bursts. I think its because she knows stress can harm the child so its a bit muted. That is not to say episodes don't happen but at least its been milder ( minus the new thread of "making her mad" = "me wanting to hurt the baby because I cause her stress" ... .sigh)

[DreamFlyer99]

I think the hard bit in our boundaries is saying "You know everything there is to know about our finances and why I'd like to keep that money not in your name" and then not carrying on. When asked saying "we talked about this' or whatever phrase lets her know that you hear her but it doesn't need to be re-discussed. My uBPDh does the same thing where he keeps asking in case there's suddenly a different answer or he wears me down. the first couple of times I would patiently say "i explained that" and then I didn't respond after that.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Keeping her away from your savings is not selfish.  It is one of the kindest and most protective gesture you can make/

Your and hers financial health depends upon you.  Her past management of her finances is an example of her inability to handle them.  So, to allow her access to your savings will not suddenly give her the skills to manage finances better than she has been able to do in the past.

Kindness dictates that you should  make sure of continuing financial stability... .which means that you will have to:  1) Never have a joint account  2) Never file taxes together... .married filing separately is the way to go   3) never put her name on your house   4) never have a joint credit card... .speak to a financial advisor and an attorney.

I do not know how to explain that what I am recommending is not harshness nor punishment.  Rather it is kindness.  It is like when you love a child, you have to make sure that you do not expect the child to have adult responsibilities... .if you give the child those responsibilities, it's the child's security that is threatened.

I use this as an analogy... .your love is not to be questioned.  It's sanctity is totally understood and accepted and respected.

What I am trying to tell you is that she may think of you as controlling and your temptation will be to give her the freedom that she is not yet capable of handling.  As and when she learns develop money management skills and restrint about spending, that is when you should feel comfortable in giving her complete access.

Hope this makes sense.