A letter to my BPD Partner

[tayana]

This is a long post, but after I visited my BPD partner at the hospital last night, I needed to get a lot off my chest.  This is venting, but perhaps someone might have some suggestions for me.

Dear BPD Partner,

I love you dearly, but you scare me.  In the seven years we’ve been together, I have witnessed you rage, fall into deep depressions, and throw fits when things don’t go your way.  You’ve claimed I don’t love you.  I don’t listen to you.  I don’t care about you at all.  You say you can’t trust me.  You say I lie to you all the time.  You say I can’t communicate because I don’t talk to you.  And yet, for some bizarre reason, I’m still with you.  I still get up everyday, go to work to support you and our kids, and try to be as much of a rock as I can be for you.  You claim you have to be ok because you need to be there for the kids, but you can barely get out of bed each day, make multiple attempts on your life each month, and time and again, show that you aren’t ok.  You claim I don’t listen or care about your feelings, but here is the side of the story you never want to hear.

I am not allowed to feel anything. 

I’m not allowed to be angry with you.  If I am, then you are undeserving of my anger.  It doesn’t matter how much you scare me with your instability or how many times I find out you overdosed when you say you are sick, I am not allowed to be angry.  I’m not allowed to be angry that I work full time and come home to cook, take care of  you and the kids, while you spend the day in bed because you are too tired and too depressed to function.  I’m not allowed to be frustrated when there are six baskets of laundry to be folded and you’ve spent the day lying on the couch watching our three year old play.  I’m not allowed to be frustrated when you make our teenager do laundry because you are too tired to walk downstairs.  I’m not allowed to be frustrated when I pick up after you, cook your meals, wait on you, and yet, you claim I don’t take care of you. 

I’m not allowed to be scared.  Every night I go to bed not sure if you are going to be alive when I get up.  I worry about you when I am at work.   I worry about you when you go out alone.  I don’t know if you are going to decide today is the day you will drive your car into a tree, or if you’ll come home and cry all night.  I can’t suggest you go to the hospital because then you are upset with me for agreeing with your doctors.  I am terrified I am going to have to explain to our children why you aren’t coming back. 

I’m not allowed to be sad.  I don’t feel loved.  I am alone.  There is no one to support me.  There is no one to give me a break.  There is no one to step in and say, hey take a few hours for yourself.  There is no one there to give me a hug when I have a bad day because your bad days are always worse.  There is no one to just listen to me vent when I am tired and frustrated because I haven’t had a break from your oppressive moods.  Our relationship stopped being a partnership a long time ago.  I’m not your partner anymore, I am your caretaker, and I really feel like your mother.  It breaks my heart to see what you are doing to yourself, but I can’t say that. 

I’m not allowed to address my own issues of depression and anxiety.  When I was seeing a therapist you would get upset that my appointments took time away from you, and even more upset when my sessions were about how to deal with you.  I don’t ask about your therapies.  You won’t tell me anything anyway.

I’m not allowed to have a life outside of you.  You are jealous when I spend time with the few friends I have left.  I have to ask permission to eat lunch with them or even just go out.  If I don’t, then you are upset because I’m not spending the night holding you.   You are upset when I do something for myself and you have to go through my night routine with the kids.  It’s clear that you resent doing it.  I can’t even take the dog for a walk without you when all I want is a break.  Everything is about you.

You say I don’t make you feel safe and secure because you can’t tell me you are angry or upset.  I don’t know how to make you feel anymore safe.  I do listen to you, but I can’t help you.  I have done what your therapist recommended and tried to remind you that I am always there no matter what you say and that I’m not going anywhere.  I try to make sure that I hold and touch you because that’s what you say you need to feel loved.  I don’t judge you when you tell me things.  I feel bad and I feel helpless because I can’t do anything.  I can’t stop your flashbacks.  I can’t help you deal with your pain.  I can’t keep you from hurting yourself. 

I get defensive when you try to talk to me.  Yes, I do.  I get defensive because you criticize me constantly.  Nothing I do is enough.  I’m not strict enough with the kids or I’m too strict.  I’m not patient enough.  I don’t hold you enough.  I don’t listen to you.  I don’t talk to you.  I won’t tell you what is going on in my head.  You claim you can read me so well, but you are wrong about what I am thinking and feeling a lot.  Yes, you can tell when something is bothering me, but you aren’t a good judge of what it is.  It’s not always you.  You tend to start these conversations with comments like, “If you communicated effectively” or “stop bending over and getting f*****.”  Those kinds of statements do put people on the defensive.   You say them all the time and then claim you never did.  You remember what you want, and you use it against people.  It’s a game to you, and I’m tired of being your pawn.

You want to do couples therapy if we are going to work.  Couples therapy takes two people.   You can’t just go to therapy, bash me, and pretend that all the problems are me.  You need to own up to your own, namely that you are overly critical, expect far too much from those around you, and need to control everything.  Stop pretending I am the control freak, because I’m not.  You are the one with the need for order and perfection.  I can be content with a cluttered counter for a while. 

I do have an inner anger about everything.  It’s all that keeps me going.  I’d really like to fall into my bed and sleep for days, but that will never happen because I have to be the strong one, the one you can always count on to be there.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

That letter is very eloquent, tayana, and really struck a chord with me and tugged at my heart... .

I understand your feelings and anger, and just wanted to let you know that we all do commiserate and support you 

This is a long post, but after I visited my BPD partner at the hospital last night, I needed to get a lot off my chest.  This is venting, but perhaps someone might have some suggestions for me.

After seeing my adult (36 at the time) son in the hospital's Psych Ward after a serious Suicidal Ideation (and the 2 times he was in Rehab for a heroin addiction), I felt lots of the same things you talk about in your letter... .The only suggestion I can make is to encourage you to remember that--however unfair--you are the mentally healthy one, and she is probably not doing any of her self-destructive behaviors because of you, or to you on purpose. I know I had to separate my own feelings from my son's destructive ways in order to understand him better.

Will she be getting any Therapy or treatment(s) in the Hospital? (I'm sorry that I don't' remember why she is there.) When she is released, will there be a plan for some sort of recovery? My own son spent 21 days in an Intensive Dual Diagnosis Program (probably something that would help your partner very much) early last year, after that hospital Psych Ward stay, and that is where he got his BPD diagnosis. He underwent intensive DBT and other Therapies, was released with a recovery plan, and he is now almost 18 months clean and sober of anything, still in treatment, and doing well. I hope that your partner has some good professionals around her who can help... .

[tayana]

Thank you for your kind reply.  She is there for suicidal ideations and because she kept harming herself. 

As of this time, there is no after treatment plan.  I'm really considering telling her that she can't come home until she has something in place or is at least planning to go through with some sort of program.  Her doctor would like her to do an intensive 6 month inpatient program, but she won't leave our youngest child that long.  Currently, the only treatment she is receiving in the hospital is med based, trying to get the suicidal urges under control.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm wondering if you might be able to talk to the Doctor about the possibility of a Dual Diagnosis Program being available? It is designed for people with a mental illness along with another co-morbid problem... .Her Suicidal Ideation or Depression would be addressed as co-morbid with her BPD (or whatever). Does she have any substance abuse issues?

My son's Program only lasted 21 days, but it was 7 days/week seeing a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Sociologist, all with individual and group Therapy every single day, several times/day. DBT was being applied 24/7 and he actually ended up loving the Program! After being hospitalized twice for Suicidal Ideations, and being in a "regular" Rehab twice in a 3-year period, the Dual Diagnosis Center was like a dream come true to him and it changed his life around, and actually saved his life.

He didn't want to leave actually; after a week he called me from the Center asking if there was a way to arrange for him to stay a lot longer (he really loved learning about where all his troubles came from, and how to get a handle on them). He's been a new person since leaving that Program; in fact, that was where he was diagnosed with BPD and upon discharge they included this website in the paperwork they gave me to learn how to help him with his recovery.

He is still in treatment: OutPatient Therapy once/week; Neurofeedback Therapy once/week; Psychiatrist once/month. And he goes willingly... .baby step by baby step he is moving forward in recovery and our family is healing. If your partner could just get the right Therapist or Therapy or treatment, she might have an epiphany and start her recovery... .I wish you and your family well 

[tayana]

Unfortunately I don't think she'll qualify.  She doesn't have a substance abuse problem.  There aren't a lot of programs available in our area.  I've been trying to find something that could give her the intensive treatment she needs and still allow her to be home in the evenings and on the weekends.  I haven't found anything so far.  I've also been looking for a support group for families of those with mental illness and I'm not finding a whole lot there either.

[ColdEthyl]

Wow Tayana... .reading that is almost word for word of what I write to my dBPDh in my head... .I am so sorry your struggle. I am glad you shared this... .there is comfort in knowing you are not alone.

[Crumbling]

 

Your letter brought tears to my eyes.  You articulated yourself so clearly, and reflect my own feelings to a tee.  I wish I could offer smart advice, a hug or even free babysitting for a night away for you!  I hope it's enough to know that there are people out there that understand and have felt the same unmanageable weight you've expressed here.

We waited three years for my BPD husband to get into a program (and diagnosed).  And even then it didn't feel like it was helping at all for months.  It's been over eight months now, and we are finally seeing progress.  Therapy is really good, but so are a lot of the lessons/info on this site.  Even without therapy, there are things you can do, things you can quietly alter that may help you cope.  Perhaps this time of hospitalization may give you a chance to re-group and to add tools to your tool box to help you deal with things upon your partner's return.  Do you know how long the stay will be?

[Satori68]

This brought me to tears. It is the crux of all I want to say to my boyfriend.

Thanks you for sharing this.

I am new to this site, but am so happy to have found it.

It's such a relief to know that my experiences aren't unique, that others are going through the same confusion and pain.

[itgirl]

Thank you for sharing your letter with us.  It brought me to tears.

You seem like a wonderful partner.

[Harlequin]

It sums, and its going to break your heart.

Sounds like you have realized your limit, and scared of not being able to look after her without resentment,  but I went through similar feelings and found out that I had too look after myself and my kids first, and put my love on back burner.

It not fair that she draining all of you for her own happiness, and I suspect that you need a have not been filled in a long time.   You deserve a partner and not a patient .  and it prob going to make her angry for you to talk to her about this with her, and could be an end of the relationship as well.  You sound used up, and she prob knows it which why she acting up more .  BPD do tend to destroy it on there terms just so thy will be right, but never admit to there part in the problem, they find it to hard to face the pain n self blame of it.

But driving yourself into the dirt and depression is not going to help her in long run.  And there is no easy answers unless she commits to getting better with a trained professional counselors.  She has to own her own treatment , stand by her , and it will take long time ,  if you choose. 

Luck with you 

[LilHurt420]

I am in tears reading your letter because I could have written pretty much the entire thing word for word myself.

I know how you feel... .and I wouldn't wish this on anyone

[tayana]

Thank you for all the kind words.  It's so nice to find so many people to relate. 

I told my partner over the weekend that I did not want her to come home until there was some sort of treatment plan in place.  The plan was to send her home in the same state she had gone into the hospital without her medication regulated and no real treatment plan in place.  My pastor and I both talked to her and convinced her to tell the doctor she needed to stay in the hospital.  So for right now, she is there until they have some sort of plan in place.  Not sure how long that will be.  After I left that night, she tried to hang herself, but was stopped by the staff.  She told me when I went to see her yesterday and that she had been hurt when people she loved told her they were afraid for her to come home.  I was so hurt and felt horrible, but I didn't say that.  She needs to be where she is, and I am standing my ground this time.  I don't want her home until the self harm and suicide attempts are under control. 

So right now, I'm trying to be two people and do the stuff she was supposed to do, like take the kids to their doctor appts., visit her and work.  I actually called in yesterday just for a day while the boys were at school, and I could just have some peace.  I felt so much better when I woke up this morning.  I didn't even mind coming in to work.  I"m low on time and shouldn't have taken the day, but I needed it so bad, just to catch up on some things at home and work on some projects I'd wanted to do for a while.

[Crumbling]

Double pat on the back!  You've taken some time for yourself, and set reasonable boundaries.  Good for you.  It sounds like the doctors saw that she needed to be there.  And she is where she needs to be to be safe.  Thanks for the update.   

[meerkat1]

Wow. I am new here. Not new to BPD. The feelings and the experiences everyone has are so similar. So familiar. Nearly interchangeable.

I think I wrote a similar letter many many times. Every time just to throw it away.

I would like to know what people think would be the reaction of the BPD to a letter like this.

[LilHurt420]

Wow. I am new here. Not new to BPD. The feelings and the experiences everyone has are so similar. So familiar. Nearly interchangeable.

I think I wrote a similar letter many many times. Every time just to throw it away.

I would like to know what people think would be the reaction of the BPD to a letter like this.

I start to write letters that mimic this to my uBPDh all the time and always stop and end up never finishing or throwing them away.

In the past (before I was aware of BPD) I had given him a few letters that I had written about how I felt.  He either riped them up if he was still in a rage or he read them and barely acknowledged what I wrote.  I suspect a lot BPD's would react the same.

[tayana]

I have given my pwBPD a letter similar to this, and she also read some of the things I had written in my journal.  These were my personal thoughts and feelings.  She claims the journal was open on the bed and she just happened to see it.  I don't really believe her. 

Her reaction was rage. How dare I accuse her of being abusive?  How dare I suggest that she had lied about things?  How dare I pretend that I was the one who should be afraid of offending her?  She demanded that I tear up the journal and tell her that everything was a lie.  I was writing lies, of course.  Nothing I said, could possibly be true.  That's all I do is lie and she can't tolerate that.

What offended her most was reading about how my fears about hurting her (she was severely abused as a child) during intimate moments got in the way of me just being able to be free to act.  I'd written about how devastating it was to be in the heat of the moment, thinking my partner is enjoying what I'm doing and is begging me to continue, only to be told the next day that I'd given her nightmares for a week.  I'd written about how rejected I felt that she decided to no longer share a bed with me even after I got our youngest child to stay in his bed.  So much of what I wrote was about how her actions and reactions made me feel and she didn't like the mirror that she saw. 

I've always been able to express myself better in writing than talking face to face.  I had tried to do that with her a few times, but she claims that is the cowardly way of doing things, even though she knew that was how I expressed myself best.  What she wants to hear from me is that she is right and I am wrong.  Anything I wrote to her about my feelings were put off as self-pitying BS at best or else I was being abusive and controlling at worst.

[waverider]

I get everything you say in that letter and have been through most of them. If I were to send my partner that letter she would interpret that as 'you are useless, and I am going to leave you". Reinforcing her hopelessness and depression and thereby further fueling suicidal idealization.

Be very careful, she does not have the empathy skills you are asking for, and could simply take it as criticism overload.

Bottom line is you probably have to action stronger boundaries so you are not left to feel like this.

I went through about 30 overdoses in a year, each time calling an ambulance in the middle of the night, then discharging herself in the early hours. Eventually my boundary was that if she did that I would not be at home for 24hours when she came home, and if it happened again that would increase to 48 hours and so on, with NC, no arguing, no pleading and no guilting. That stopped it cold.