the guy I'm with seems to have no drive

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am seeing a lot of posts about promiscuity but the guy I'm with seems to have no drive and seems to only want it every six months. For three years he finishes in less than a minute, doesn't seem to know how to kiss, claims oral from guys but not gay. He's weird about it because he is technical during to make sure he's in the right spot to fertilize an egg. This is so weird and I don't know what to make of any of it especially how quick it's over. He claims to be very experienced and have been with many women.

[jchart]

I am seeing a lot of posts about promiscuity but the guy I'm with seems to have no drive and seems to only want it every six months. For three years he finishes in less than a minute, doesn't seem to know how to kiss, claims oral from guys but not gay. He's weird about it because he is technical during to make sure he's in the right spot to fertilize an egg. This is so weird and I don't know what to make of any of it especially how quick it's over. He claims to be very experienced and have been with many women.

[Rise]

I think the norm (when it comes to a person with BPD) is a lean towards promiscuity, although I don't know that it has to be that way. You wouldn't be the first person on here that I've seen describe a lacking sex drive in their SO.

[Crumbling]

Sounds like a fear of intimacy.  My BPD husband is like that, sort of.

I'm no expert, but to me, it's like he is so down on himself, that he doesn't really believe he is worthy of having good honest pleasure for the sake of feeling good.  Like deep down, he doesn't believe he deserves it. 

We've been married 10 years, so I've had time to think about it. 

[Bak86]

I've been together with a BPD for around 5 months. She was very afraid of sex(we never did it). All big mouth, she wanted it rough, but when i was trying to go south on her, she would back off immediately. So, no not all BPD's are animals when it comes to sex.

[JohnLove]

Hello jchart, I read your post over many times in an attempt to comprehend. You are right to feel "weird". Sex comes in all forms and as long as the partners are happy who is anyone to question. You don't come across as happy but... .confused. He isn't getting his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere is he?.

Sex is about mutual pleasure. I'm not sure how much pleasure can be claimed in less than a minute?. If he doesn't seem to know how to kiss, teach him. Show him what you would like.

Claims oral from guys... .hmmm.

Technical?... .the right spot to fertilize an egg?... .gosh!. You aren't trying to start a family are you?.

Without trying to be funny... .there doesn't seem to be much to make out of it?.

Maybe he counts experience as being with many women but that doesn't mean any one of them was satisfied. What is important is how YOU feel.

[Vexed]

He's gay. 

[jchart]

Thank you for the supportive comments. I don't understand all of this and am working to. As for the last post that just says he's gay. I found that to be counter productive and mean really. I'm pretty confused and depressed as it is and I don't think it's black and white like that. In fact that thinking is what my therapist called distorted thinking. Please don't respond to me again. Ever.

[jchart]

John love part of me wonders if it is just about having children. We have one and he was dead set on that being the purpose to have sex and it was all weird. Ten years? I can't imagine. He does care very much about what other people think.

[slimmiller]

For the most part sex, to a PD is more or less a weapon. Both in with holding it or demanding to have it.

Either way it can be a tool for them in extorting a behaviour from us. Sometimes they seem to give it out of love but in reality they are giving it in order to get something. I m not being crude or trying to be harsh. My experience with BPDs is that it is NOT to them what it is to us. We view sex as a mutual expression of passion and love.

They lavashly pour it on to get us 'drunk in love'. Its their hook, the drug, the ultimate weapon or tool of control.

I think it sounds like he has some very serious hangups with sex and what is most important here is dont blame yourself. He has a problem and he is merely proving that by withholding. Believe me when I say this, (as a male) sex a couple of times a year is NOT the norm

[Vexed]

I'm sorry you took my post personal but he has received oral from other gay (straight men don't) men and from what you have written he doesn't enjoy sex with women and was never crazy in bed with you.  BPDs don't have any trouble faking it if they want to.  Its quite obvious he is gay or has many more issues than BPD going on.   I think your thinking to far into it,  I'm sure its not something you want to believe and is hard to exept , the truth often is.

[sweetheart]

Hello jchart,

When I first read your post my initial reaction was the same as from Vexed, that your partner is gay. I then had a read of your relationships' history, and there do seem to be some serious issues going on for your partner around his sexuality and they have been evident from the beginning of your relationship with him.

I would not be able to continue in my marriage if there was any suggestion of infidelity, this is one of my deal breakers. My marriage is far from perfect, but there is no one else in it but us and our son.

From your response to Vexed the suggestion that your partner might be gay clearly upset you, but it might be, and I have no way of knowing this, that you not wanting to see that he might be keeps you stuck in this relationship.

You are in a very difficult situation especially being a parent to a young child, and you have hung on in this relationship for a very long time, getting from what I have read very little back for yourself.

Take good care of yourself and your son 

[LilHurt420]

I have read that most BPD's are either one extreme or the other

[vortex of confusion]

First I want to offer you a big hug. 

I know how frustrating this is. I have been with my husband for 17 years, married 16. He is a sex addict but has little or no desire for me. He used to be more interested in porn. My husband was not promiscuous in the sense that he had a lot of partners but he was lost in his world of porn. He preferred porn and self pleasure to being with me. When he stopped looking at the porn, he turned me into a cum dumpster.

He has had bisexual experiences. A year or so ago, he experimented with a guy but now claims that he is neither bisexual nor gay. It is all very confusing.

[jchart]

What is your problem? This is a support group! My situation isn't black and white like that. He had sex with me for three years and we have a baby. I find it really hard to believe a straight up gay man would do that. You don't even know me and I'm all about truth no matter how painful it is. I have known this person almost my whole life. He has had every chance to let me go but he keeps coming back. I'm here because I am trying to understand and at the same time fix myself so I am strong again and can move on letting go. This doesn't seem to be an either or situation. I have a lot of gay friends who don't even know what to make of this. This whole thing isn't normal. I can face any truth but at the end of the day I have an eleven month old son I'm trying to figure out what would be best and if taking him away from an obviously sick man is what is best for him. I don't know what to do, think or feel. I'm broken. If I didn't have my son I would have taken my own life by now because I have never felt so broken in my life. I never did anything to deserve this.

[Crumbling]

" I never did anything to deserve this."  Totally, completely, absolutely, entirely true~you DO NOT deserve this, you have not asked for this, and it was never anything you imagined for your relationship at the start.

My kids kept me from suicide for decades, it's a great reason to keep going.  But your happiness is also worth considering.  You are worth living for, just for the sake of being alive.

I still go back to my original notion that sometimes a cold attitude towards sex comes from being afraid of being intimate.  To acknowledge that he gets pleasure from you, puts you in the driver's seat, gives you a power.  That could be intimidating for him.  Perhaps in the beginning the newness of it all helped him open up to you and to be more intimate.  Now there has been evidence that you are the stronger and more stable one in the relationship and this has caused him to shy away, feeling intimidated.  But he can do something you cannot do - he can make babies!  So then he gains strength from that, uses that as a reason for sex instead of accepting that you have the power to please him.

Your strong or you wouldn't still be with him.  It's a horrible situation to love someone and know that they cannot receive that love, not even in the traditional, instinctive way of making love.  I don't think it's a black and white, gay or straight issue either.  I think you're situation is simply not working for you right now and you need to find a way to cope with that. 

My h had an issue with porn for a while and hid it from me.  He just simply 'looked after himself' during this phase.  And he has often chosen masturbation over making love, even without the porn.  We've been together ten years.  When I started to set boundaries and claiming a right to sexual satisfaction (the same right he claims), and, well... .you know, followed his example, his attitude changed.  His biggest fear is to be left alone and although I wasn't threatening to leave, I was telling him that I was going to put distance between us so that my needs could be met and that I could at least have a chance at feeling like a normal person that he began to look at his own behaviours.

Gotta go, he's up.

[jchart]

Yesterday he withdrew from school. A phd program he had a full ride in. He didn't even give it a chance. He keeps threatening to move put and go back to the city we came from. Today he is going there for 24 hours. He said he will love back into his old apartment and kick some people out except for his guy friend who has been a great tormenter of mine. This morning I have to make a decision. I can move out. I have found a small house for me and my son to live in and I can break all contact with my friend once and for all. There's a tiny part of me that wants to stay until he decides to leave and there is a big part of me that wants to go and start over. He stays and keeps saying he doesn't know but then goes back and forth. I honestly don't know what to do but I have 24 hours to get out of here if I'm going to do it.

[jchart]

And thank you crumbling. For the most part your story sounds the same. I admire you greatly. For me I'm not married to him nor even have a commitment from him. He's made that clear it will never happen. I am trying to be strong but I do feel so broken.

[Crumbling]

   Breaking ties is always easier to do sooner rather than later.  If he is BPD, you will be faced with far more disappointments out of your relationship than happy times, as anyone here can attest to that, for a very long time.  That doesn't mean the good times aren't worth it.  That's, I guess, the million dollar question.  You have a big decision.

He withdrew from school, free schooling?  Oh, that says so much.  Sounds like you've got good reasoning and a window of opportunity. 

Just, whatever you do, stay safe.  Do what is best for you.  Your life is worth it, and so is your son's.  Keep us posted.

Sending you clarity and support, c.

[hurting300]

All my BPDex wanted was sex from me. We would start to go out for a date and end up in the bedroom for hours. Right before she disappeared she had sex with twice. Guess she needed one for the road

[maxsterling]

Keeping to the original topic - my experience is that sex is a confusing mixed bag in a BPD relationship.  My fiancé is clearly a sex addict, has used sex to feel valid, has used sex to self-harm, has worked in the sex industry, declared herself a lesbian for awhile, tends to have no boundaries or morals when it comes to sex.

So, when it comes to our sex life today - I may get NOTHING for weeks.  Seems to make no sense on the surface, right?  The reality is she's desensitized herself to sex, feels shame over it, feels dirty when she takes her clothes off.  She's associated sex with bad things she is ashamed of, so now she often can't shut her mind off during sex and be in the moment.  I'm sure that is excruciating for her, but it also hurts me. 

So maybe that is what is going on here. It's not that he is not horny or not attracted to you.  He may just have so much shame built up from his past that he can't get past and be in the moment with you. 

[Moselle]

John love part of me wonders if it is just about having children. We have one and he was dead set on that being the purpose to have sex and it was all weird. Ten years? I can't imagine. He does care very much about what other people think.

I have this one too. The only time my wife has initiated sex is to have a baby. She had a very strict upbringing, and believed sex was bad. I think it was so programmed into her and her siblings to prevent a potential pre-marital pregnancy. Her family is so sensitive to shame and being shamed.

We have 3 children and she wants 2 more.

I'd have 2 more, but not with her LOL

[SeaSprite]

This is a horrible situation to be in, feeling so trapped and stuck.

It may not really matter why the sex is infrequent and bad, there are so many reasons this could be true. And, whatever the reason is, it isn't your fault. He may have no idea, or he may be self aware but embarrassed.

If he is the way he is now for the rest of his life, regardless of why, do you want to stay with him?

If you love him and can figure out how to be happy with his quirks and limitations, the answer might be yes. And that's ok, there are all kinds of marriages that work all kinds of ways.

If you can't be happy with him, if he is not your person who you can live and thrive with, that is ok. There is nothing wrong with saying, this marriage just isn't working, I've given it my best, and it is time to pull it apart so we can both move on.

Life can be good, and you deserve that chance, whatever choices you make.

[jchart]

Oh we aren't married. He never wanted to commit. We have been friends for 22 years and he wanted everything but a commitment. We planned a child together and we live in the same house. So in some sense you are right. I have been stuck and trapped and how he is ok with all of this I don't know. He doesn't want to leave but then he doesn't want to stay. It's hard to leave because I have loved him this while time. He isn't officially diagnosed but I don't doubt this is what he had. He gave up his full ride in the phd program plus salary without hesitation. He doesn't know what he wants. He has said he will go to counseling with me under the guise it's me getting help for me. Not him. He's stuck on an email that talks about borderline and keeps throwing it at me saying this isn't him. I honestly don't know what to do other than to leave. It's hard because I know this is a sickness. In retrospect he has had it the whole time I have known him.

[SeaSprite]

If you need to leave it doesn't make you a bad person, even if his problems aren't his "fault" exactly.

It sounds horrible I know, but your first responsibility is to yourself and to make sure you and your child are in a physically and emotionally safe place.

You can't save him. It doesn't mean there is no hope for him, it just means he has to want help, and attempt to start taking some ownership of his life and his troubles.

There was that song in the 90's, about how sometimes love just isn't enough and it is very true, sadly, sometimes it isn't.

I was treated badly by an ex bf who I actually believed loved me, and I loved him. It hurt to leave, but now life is so much better.

Trust your instincts, and be kind to yourself and your child.

Your life is worthwhile!

[Rise]

He never wanted to commit. We have been friends for 22 years and he wanted everything but a commitment. We planned a child together and we live in the same house. So in some sense you are right. I have been stuck and trapped and how he is ok with all of this I don't know.

jchart,

This may be a bit blunt, but it seems like he's gotten everything he wants out of this "friendship". But what about the things you want? Do you want to be in a committed relationship? Do you want to get married someday? You seem to be really focused in on him and his wants and his needs. You even ask how he's okay with it all. The more important question is, how are you okay with it? Is this the way you want your life to be? Is this the life you want for your kids?

It's tough to think about these things when your life has been revolving around someone who's wants and needs are so all consuming, but for you to start doing anything, you've got to figure out what your priorities are. Otherwise things will never be more than what they are now.

Best luck,

Rise