Here i am... again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The title says it all... .I find myself here again. I thought and hoped with my BPD in therapy things might actually work out. I have been in therapy for a long time and I am finally at a place where I want to live my life again and be happy. My BPD is circling the drain of depression and pure misery. I have hardly talked with her and yesterday I stopped over to give her money for therapy. She hasn't seen me in over a week and the first thing she says is "why did you get blond highlights?  They look stupid."  Personally I think they look great. Then the phone company turned off her phone so she went into a complete meltdown. And of course it was all my fault... .I want to change her. I forced her into therapy... I forced her to take meds a.long time ago... .I am the cause of her issues.  She then said to me... "why do you want to be me?  You dye  your hair, got a tattoo"  I looked at her and just said... ."You are the last person I would ever want to be."  I then told her kids I loved  them and said goodbye to her and left.

She texted me later and apologized but I didn't respond. She my be beautiful looking on the outside but she is the ugliest person I have ever met. She will always be this cruel and mean person. I am sad because I realize something I have hoped for is never going to happen but I should be relieved because the thought of spending my life with this black cloud of doom is even scarier.

[willtimeheal]

The title says it all... .I find myself here again. I thought and hoped with my BPD in therapy things might actually work out. I have been in therapy for a long time and I am finally at a place where I want to live my life again and be happy. My BPD is circling the drain of depression and pure misery. I have hardly talked with her and yesterday I stopped over to give her money for therapy. She hasn't seen me in over a week and the first thing she says is "why did you get blond highlights?  They look stupid."  Personally I think they look great. Then the phone company turned off her phone so she went into a complete meltdown. And of course it was all my fault... .I want to change her. I forced her into therapy... I forced her to take meds a.long time ago... .I am the cause of her issues.  She then said to me... "why do you want to be me?  You dye  your hair, got a tattoo"  I looked at her and just said... ."You are the last person I would ever want to be."  I then told her kids I loved  them and said goodbye to her and left.

She texted me later and apologized but I didn't respond. She my be beautiful looking on the outside but she is the ugliest person I have ever met. She will always be this cruel and mean person. I am sad because I realize something I have hoped for is never going to happen but I should be relieved because the thought of spending my life with this black cloud of doom is even scarier.

[gtrhr]

I can relate so well to this post.  Those type of belittling comments are pretty awful to hear from someone you could so easily care about if they could be respectful and unselfish.  I really like your response to her though!  It takes courage to be able to respond that way now when once you wanted the hopes and dreams to be your life.  But all you say about not spending your life with a black cloud of doom is so true.

It's funny the answer you gave her reminds me so much of something my T coached me to say. She was verbally abusive to her daughter and really controlling so a lot of times she would get down on her and say to me, "What's wrong with HER?"  My T said the next time it happened I should look at her and calmly ask, "What's wrong with you?"  Well it didn't take long for it to happen just like that and the look of complete shock on her face was well worth it.

Standing up to the pwBPD seems like you're sabotaging your own chances but I agree with you, if you don't do it you're stuck with a pretty miserable future and enabling her to abuse you and everyone in her life who will allow her to.

[willtimeheal]

Thank you for your response. My therapist old me the other day that it sounded like my BPD is clinically depressed.  My T said that a depressed person is not dangerous is they hide away in their house and withdrawal from you and the world. The depressed person becomes a.danger to you when they project their depression and feelings of worthlessness and depressed thoughts on to you and make you feel poorly about yourself.  I was  so grateful I had just had my session with my therapist the other day and he told me that. I saw exactly what she was doing and I got out of there.

[willtimeheal]

Just thought I would post because I am feeling down today. I miss my gf. It pisses me off how I can miss someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Someone who lied cheated and probably hasn't given me a second thought. But yet here I am sad and missing her. Man that makes me mad.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Just thought I would post because I am feeling down today. I miss my gf. It pisses me off how I can miss someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Someone who lied cheated and probably hasn't given me a second thought. But yet here I am sad and missing her. Man that makes me mad.

It is not easy to be in love with a pwBPD - we all have the good and the bad in us and we still love what is good in the pwBPD. What can we do? Encourage the good in her when it is there - otherwise make it clear the door to your good self is locked shut to any abuse.  I have told mine that my love is true - but she is on her own with the others until her love is returned true and sincere.  I think I will stand more chance of winning the lottery on the ticket I never buy.

[pieceofme]

Just thought I would post because I am feeling down today. I miss my gf. It pisses me off how I can miss someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Someone who lied cheated and probably hasn't given me a second thought. But yet here I am sad and missing her. Man that makes me mad.

i relate a lot to what you wrote. my ex says the meanest, most cruel things to me... .things that not only shatter my heart, but my self-esteem. and still i miss him. i hate myself for that.

[Infared]

The title says it all... .I find myself here again. I thought and hoped with my BPD in therapy things might actually work out. I have been in therapy for a long time and I am finally at a place where I want to live my life again and be happy. My BPD is circling the drain of depression and pure misery. I have hardly talked with her and yesterday I stopped over to give her money for therapy. She hasn't seen me in over a week and the first thing she says is "why did you get blond highlights?  They look stupid."  Personally I think they look great. Then the phone company turned off her phone so she went into a complete meltdown. And of course it was all my fault... .I want to change her. I forced her into therapy... I forced her to take meds a.long time ago... .I am the cause of her issues.  She then said to me... "why do you want to be me?  You dye  your hair, got a tattoo"  I looked at her and just said... ."You are the last person I would ever want to be."  I then told her kids I loved  them and said goodbye to her and left.

She texted me later and apologized but I didn't respond. She my be beautiful looking on the outside but she is the ugliest person I have ever met. She will always be this cruel and mean person. I am sad because I realize something I have hoped for is never going to happen but I should be relieved because the thought of spending my life with this black cloud of doom is even scarier.

Will... .that last paragraph sums it up for me!... .I can't help you feel any better... but I know the pain of where you are. Its like... ."this could all work out fine if you wanted it to?"  If a person wants to be miserable... .there is nothing we can do to change it.  The blaming is all her misery too... .Don't take it on, bud!

[Infared]

Just thought I would post because I am feeling down today. I miss my gf. It pisses me off how I can miss someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Someone who lied cheated and probably hasn't given me a second thought. But yet here I am sad and missing her. Man that makes me mad.

God... I son identify with you... .This is a feeling I wish upon no one. "I miss her terribly... .but I don't ever want to talk to her again because of the way she treated me."   It is so twisted.

[pieceofme]

Its like... ."this could all work out fine if you wanted it to?" 

i think this very thing all the time! it seems so simple. if only it were.

[willtimeheal]

I suck... .I caved... .I texted her... .Sh*t!

[Infared]

I suck... .I caved... .I texted her... .Sh*t!

It is exactly the same as drug addiction. Craving something that is killing you inside.

[Tibbles]

Like the ___. Hope you didn't pay for it too much! Contact always costs something

[Mutt]

I am the cause of her issues

I'm sorry things didn't work out. I'm also sorry to hear she doesn't have nice things to say about you. She is devaluing you and I'm sad to hear that she is depressed.

Her trauma is the cause of her issues. At the center of this disorder is the core wound of abandonment. She needs to want to fix her issues. Don't beat yourself up if it didn't work out. Your heart was in the right place - it is what it is.  There are lessons to be learned from this experience.

[gtrhr]

willtimeheal, What became of the text?  Did she reply back?  Don't beat yourself up about it.

Yes it can provide such a relief to do that and especially if you hear back from the person.  But you can step outside of yourself and reflect on what you were feeling and what caused you to need to so strongly in that moment.

See if there is something else you can do next time.  Feel free to post on the board or send a private message if you have an urge to contact her.  They get forwarded to an email and I check fairly often.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

She my be beautiful looking on the outside but she is the ugliest person I have ever met. She will always be this cruel and mean person. I am sad because I realize something I have hoped for is never going to happen but I should be relieved because the thought of spending my life with this black cloud of doom is even scarier.

My thoughts exactly. I had an interaction with mine today. Made me realize finally in my heart and not just my mind that the girl i fell in love with is a hopeless illusion and like my username im only chasing ghosts. Shes miserable i already know this from when she called me on our last recycle. It wasnt my fault. Or yours willtimeheal Never was. Were just another to fall prey to their endless projections of day old hate. The black cloud will follow them as it always has. And they will play the waif and use it to illicit guilt and sympathy or project. A truly sad life. One being stuck in such a cycle. As you I can no longer see beauty in her surface as her insides have finally projected how truly ugly she is on the inside.

Just thought I would post because I am feeling down today. I miss my gf. It pisses me off how I can miss someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Someone who lied cheated and probably hasn't given me a second thought. But yet here I am sad and missing her. Man that makes me mad.

Im feeling low tonight too and cant sleep so i feel for you my friend. After a while loving someone like this becomes painful. Its like no matter how hard you try to show them this you still know all the hurtful things you stated are going to inevitably happen. Which in turn makes you angry at the behavior and the fact that you long for a person that treats you with such disdain. They have no respect or regard for us or our feelings. Yet we miss them. Infuriating indeed.

[Cocoon]

Thank you for sharing this. I related to a lot of it. The critical stuff, the defending yourself, before you realize what's happening. I love learning new skills for self care, identifying WHAT is going on, and making healthy choices.

I wonder how your self esteem feels after sending that text...

[freedom33]

It is exactly the same as drug addiction. Craving something that is killing you inside.

Maybe it is an addiction. This is a very interesting paper if you are interested... .

www.academia.edu/3393872/Addicted_to_love_What_is_love_addiction_and_when_should_it_be_treated

[pieceofme]

She my be beautiful looking on the outside but she is the ugliest person I have ever met. She will always be this cruel and mean person. I am sad because I realize something I have hoped for is never going to happen but I should be relieved because the thought of spending my life with this black cloud of doom is even scarier.

My thoughts exactly. I had an interaction with mine today. Made me realize finally in my heart and not just my mind that the girl i fell in love with is a hopeless illusion and like my username im only chasing ghosts. Shes miserable i already know this from when she called me on our last recycle. It wasnt my fault. Or yours willtimeheal Never was. Were just another to fall prey to their endless projections of day old hate. The black cloud will follow them as it always has. And they will play the waif and use it to illicit guilt and sympathy or project. A truly sad life. One being stuck in such a cycle. As you I can no longer see beauty in her surface as her insides have finally projected how truly ugly she is on the inside.

i am beginning to see the same about my ex. i tried to go NC, but when he finally got me to cave, all i heard was how miserable he is, how his days have been hell, once again he's in a bind (no where to live, no money), etc. for the first time, i have learned to disengage and not offer help. i feel sorry for him - not for his actual plight, but for his inner turmoil.

[letmeout]

You know time can't heal if you keep contact; just dust yourself off and try n/c again.

[willtimeheal]

willtimeheal, What became of the text?  Did she reply back?  Don't beat yourself up about it.

Yes it can provide such a relief to do that and especially if you hear back from the person.  But you can step outside of yourself and reflect on what you were feeling and what caused you to need to so strongly in that moment.

See if there is something else you can do next time.  Feel free to post on the board or send a private message if you have an urge to contact her.  They get forwarded to an email and I check fairly often.

She did  text me back. Just a quick response. Nothing mean or nasty. Then the next morning  I got another text telling me that her son got arrested. That was something we always fought about. How she had to quit bailing him out and that although it seemed like he was changing it was only a matter of time before he got in trouble again. I could have said I told you so... .but what is the point. I simply stated I was sorry and that was it. I will not bail him out or try to fix the situation. That is for her to see... .That her son needs  help and hasn't changed. But now it has given her a new sense of purpose and she can try and save him. I realize I don't want that craziness in my life. She thrives on it. It is fuel for her.

[willtimeheal]

Just thought I would post right now. I am feeling really low and sad. I find myself checking my phone a lot and ruminating a lot today. I believe it is nerves and probably depression. I find myself wondering if she is thinking about me missing me. Of course I know the answers to those questions and that hurts too. I have been working on myself in therapy for the last two and a half years. I have made great gains but I still have the low days. And I still get angry... .why do I need to work on myself?  I do not have a mental illness. What did I do to deserve this beating?  This sad existence right now?  Why do I have to struggle to get through the day?  Why is a good day for me one that I only cry a few times? 

I know people will say BPDs live in constant chaos and don't really feel. But I have to be honest... .That doesn't  sound half bad right now. 

[freedom33]

Hi willtimeheal. You sound like you are in a lot of pain. No one deserves such beating or behaviour. It's unfortunate that we had to go through all this. I don't think it heathy to ask the question why at this stage. No one knows why. I used to ask that a lot and now I have moved to other questions such as how. It grounds me. When I start ruminating about whys and ifs and doubt, reading this helps me.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

It makes it a bit more scientific and objective and can see how the whole process evolved.

In some ways there was nothing personal. It is addiction to initial chemical dependency (in the honeymoon phase) that then becomes toxic through 'intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment that creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.' That's what they use to brainwash people in secret services and in the army.

It's not your fault. It can happen to anyone. Anyone can be a POW.

Take it easy on yourself buddy.

[Cocoon]

[... .]  I have been working on myself in therapy for the last two and a half years. I have made great gains but I still have the low days. And I still get angry... .why do I need to work on myself?  I do not have a mental illness. What did I do to deserve this beating?  This sad existence right now?  Why do I have to struggle to get through the day?  Why is a good day for me one that I only cry a few times? 

I know people will say BPDs live in constant chaos and don't really feel. But I have to be honest... .That doesn't  sound half bad right now. 

Thank you for posting honestly, and I relate to what you are saying. My ex has been trying to guilt me back into communication (even today). It triggers me, especially when they avoid shame and responsibility, and they blame you for their obvious problems... .Oy.

I relate. I cried a few times today. Seeing the soap in my bathtub that he brought here to use here, in it's little travel plastic box. I see that and remember how he smelled and feel so silly yearning for him again. Then I cry, then I change topics. Eventually.

Reading this forum is helping me feel sane 

[Infared]

Hi willtimeheal. You sound like you are in a lot of pain. No one deserves such beating or behaviour. It's unfortunate that we had to go through all this. I don't think it heathy to ask the question why at this stage. No one knows why. I used to ask that a lot and now I have moved to other questions such as how. It grounds me. When I start ruminating about whys and ifs and doubt, reading this helps me.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

It makes it a bit more scientific and objective and can see how the whole process evolved.

In some ways there was nothing personal. It is addiction to initial chemical dependency (in the honeymoon phase) that then becomes toxic through 'intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment that creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.' That's what they use to brainwash people in secret services and in the army.

It's not your fault. It can happen to anyone. Anyone can be a POW.

Take it easy on yourself buddy.

Wow... .I really like your input and perspective... .you definitely described me above!

WillTH... .I hope that you are feeling better... .I know that I run at a low-level of depression a lot of the time.  I choose not to take medication (it has been recommended to me by a T... .but I would rather just take actions to work on my situation.  It is just the way I am built... .there must be a reason for it.

[willtimeheal]

Just mad at myself today. I know my BPD is toxic to me and I need to walk away. I don't know how to approach it and I am scared. We went back to work and she walked into work like everything is fine ... .never mind I haven't spent anytime with her or her kids the last month. We never talk and after work she goes her way and I go mine. She goes to her mom's and eats and spends time there in that toxic environment. That is where she wants to be. If she wanted to be with me she would be with me. I want to be a family. I am ready to move forward. She likes how things are. I know I have to speak up and say something but I am waiting. I thought i would wait for the weekend  see if she wants to spend time together. If she doesn't then I was going to tell her how I felt. I am and that I am not putting myself first. That I am sitting here crying and she doesn't give a ___. I want a life. I don't want to text it. I want to say it in person. I don't want to do it at work but that is the only place we see each other. I am so mad at myself. I wish i would grow a set!

[freedom33]

I am sorry to hear about your situation willtimeheal. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now. Take some time to cool down and be gentle to yourself. I know how difficult it can be to have to work with your BPD and she pretending as if nothing is happening. I used to work with my ex too. She would come to work and chat with other colleagues and be all fine and smiling and laughing whereas I would be going through one of the worse times of my life.

I had to impose boundaries at work so it was me who set the rule of no contact at work but still it was tough for me to see how easily she could pretend that all is well. I knew that she wasn't well but she was pulling it off spectacularly. Gives you an idea on the level of acting these people can achieve (or complete insensitivity if indeed it's genuine). At any rate - it sounds that you are in need of turning your life around and taking some action. If I were you I wouldn't leave it up to her to define what, when and how. This is one way of controlling you.

Best of luck buddy!

[Rifka]

Just mad at myself today. I know my BPD is toxic to me and I need to walk away. I don't know how to approach it and I am scared. We went back to work and she walked into work like everything is fine ... .never mind I haven't spent anytime with her or her kids the last month. We never talk and after work she goes her way and I go mine. She goes to her mom's and eats and spends time there in that toxic environment. That is where she wants to be. If she wanted to be with me she would be with me. I want to be a family. I am ready to move forward. She likes how things are. I know I have to speak up and say something but I am waiting. I thought i would wait for the weekend  see if she wants to spend time together. If she doesn't then I was going to tell her how I felt. I am and that I am not putting myself first. That I am sitting here crying and she doesn't give a. I want a life. I don't want to text it. I want to say it in person. I don't want to do it at work but that is the only place we see each other. I am so mad at myself. I wish i would grow a set!

Is there anyway that you can change your job? I feel so bad that you have to have her in your face everyday. That has to be extremely difficult.

If not, maybe you could read more here about this disorder and how the love we feel for them is not ever how they feel about us.

It really helped me when I could understand that I was trying to be with a bird when I was a dolphin. It just can't work, we are different.

Of course that an analogy, but the two will never work out in the end.

You have totally different agendas, you love her and want to make her happy (which is not possible, hopefully one day you will understand that completely and accept it. It's very hard to walk away thinking you have lost. The amazing thing is that walking away actually means that you have won. I know that you are torn and in so much pain, believe me my pain was so intense that I was sure I was going to have a heart attack or die from an actual broken heart. I didn't and if you try hard to get it together and focus on yourself, you could save your own health and yourself.

Don't you believe that we all deserve to be loved as we give love?

Your ex is not capable of that!

I'm sending you a big hug, and some extra ones for when you need them.

I hurt hearing your pain because it makes me feel mine. It's horrible! You are going to have to start working on loving yourself in order to get past this a a little at a time.

[StayOrLeave15]

Willtimeheal - I just took about an hour and went back and read many of your earlier posts from 2013.  I can see you've been going through this for a long time.  I also realized you are a female, so I apologize if I addressed you as a male in any of my earlier responses. 

It is soo hard to leave.  The fact that you have to see her at work every day makes it that much worse.  Rifka makes a good point about the possibility of changing jobs or locations? 

You've given me many words of wisdom over the past several months.  I hope I can be of at least a little help to you.

You've identified that the relationship is toxic.  You also know you are going to be in pain either way - with her or without her.  The difference is that if you try to prolong any kind of relationship, that will prolong the pain.  If you can firmly commit to ending it you will likely experience more pain now, but in time you will heal.

Don't get me wrong.  It's hard as hell.  It took my BPDxgf doing something completely unforgivable for me to finally implement NC.  When I think about contacting her or answering her when she tries to contact me, I take a moment and say to myself, "That is simply not an option."  It has been a painful time and I've been drinking a bit too much, but even if I am drunk I have the discipline to not contact her because it simply is not an option.

Please be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up over the past couple weeks.  Perhaps you could set a specific day and say I'm making my final decision then.  But until then take care of yourself.  Spend time with friends.  Exercise.  Do some reading or watch some movies.  Cook something new for dinner.  Just get yourself moving a bit and hopefully some positive changes will lead to more positive changes.  You know what you have to do.  Please try and not punish yourself any longer.  Big hug. 

[willtimeheal]

Thanks guys. I can't change my job. I have a great one and am so lucky. I know what has to be done. I know she can never love me the way I deserve. She is incapable of it. It just hurts. I have started to step out in the dating world again. I refuse to sit and wait for something that is never going to happen. I asked my therapist about dating the other day and if it was wrong to date when she still thinks we arw together. The therapist replied that it's none of her business what I do. She has made  It clear that we are  not together and where I stand when I comes to her life. My therapist is right. She has taken no interest in my life.

[willtimeheal]

Stay... .

I like the idea of setting a date and sticking to it. I will do that.