Did stress/triggers get worse, or better, as kids got older?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD exH gets triggered if the kids have certain kinds of doctors' appointments.  I kind of don't tell them all on the same day because it's too much stress for him.  The kids are toddlers.  I have to worry about exH's stress as it is, so I worry that as the kids get older, he will be triggered more.  Did you find that, or was it less?  I am wondering what kinds of things they will say to him that may stress him.  While it's stressful to take care of little kids, older ones may bring more stress, so just wondering.

[momtara]

My BPD exH gets triggered if the kids have certain kinds of doctors' appointments.  I kind of don't tell them all on the same day because it's too much stress for him.  The kids are toddlers.  I have to worry about exH's stress as it is, so I worry that as the kids get older, he will be triggered more.  Did you find that, or was it less?  I am wondering what kinds of things they will say to him that may stress him.  While it's stressful to take care of little kids, older ones may bring more stress, so just wondering.

[Turkish]

My BPD exH gets triggered if the kids have certain kinds of doctors' appointments.  I kind of don't tell them all on the same day because it's too much stress for him.  The kids are toddlers.  I have to worry about exH's stress as it is, so I worry that as the kids get older, he will be triggered more.  Did you find that, or was it less?  I am wondering what kinds of things they will say to him that may stress him.  While it's stressful to take care of little kids, older ones may bring more stress, so just wondering.

Depending upon the pwBPD, the attachment/abandonment fears tend to worsen as children grow and become more self-differentiated. I'm talking emotionally. A pwBPD may see children as extensions of themselves; as objects.

The logistics of raising kids, I think, can exacerbate emotional dysregulation. I experienced it with my BPD mother whose behaviors towards me grew worse as I hit puberty. My kids are 2 and 4. Their mom already had a rage/inappropriate anger incident with S4 such that it scared her enough to call me to talk about it. I saw enough when she was still living with us, a lot of it based upon the detachment of our r/s, I think. I really wonder what goes on  a lower level that she doesn't feel the need to reach out to me about. When will S4 start WoE? Our kids are relatively easy, notwithstanding S4's triggers which remind me of his mom a little (but he's 4!), and I don't think taking care of them is that hard (their mom implied several times that it was... .kind of waifishly). I think the drama will come as they grow older and start asserting themselves.

Are you required to tell their dad about Dr.'s appointments? If they are routine, is it stipulated that you have to?

[momtara]

I'm supposed to 'consult' him.  One of the things our parent coordinator suggested was getting better about boundaries and not giving info I don't need to.

I do feel like the kids will rat me out themselves someday, at least inadvertently.    I mean, I can't say, ":)on't tell Daddy xyz"

[Matt]

My ex did very well with the kids when they were little (and very dependent).

As they got to about 10 or 12, and developed their own personalities, she reacted differently to the girls and the boys.  The girls she saw as perfect, and they both pretty much lived up to that, at least for a few years - very few disciplinary problems.  I believe that they worried that if they did anything wrong, she would withdraw her love... .

The boys she treats more nearly as all-bad.  Her older son was treated very badly at times and has big problems as the result.  Our younger son - I've been involved and he isn't around her too much, and she treats him OK, but she doesn't seem to really like him very much, and he gets that.

But about the doctor appointments... .

You have to inform him, but why does he need to be involved in a way that causes him stress?

Can you just send him an e-mail saying, "I'm taking the kids for their doctor appointments tomorrow."  Then he has been informed, and if he has questions he can ask them, but you aren't expecting anything of him.

[momtara]

We are supposed to "consult" on major appointments/checkups.  If it's day to day stuff, I usually take the kids and just let him know.

[enlighten me]

This is something I fear for my exgf. Her daughter is 10 and son is 8. We have a son together who is 15 months old.

I fear that when her daughter leaves home for college my exgf will lose it. Then two years later her son will be of an age to go and the meltdown will be massive.

She is also having full blown screaming matches with her daughter which I only see getting worse.

[Matt]

We are supposed to "consult" on major appointments/checkups.  If it's day to day stuff, I usually take the kids and just let him know.

So are there any major appointments coming up?

Can you just give him a brief message out of courtesy, for the day-to-day stuff, and see how that works?

I think for the first couple of years, I stayed way too engaged, over all kinds of stuff;  looking back, that kept everybody stressed for no good reason.  When I disengaged more everything got easier.

Now, I rarely communicate with my ex at all, and then just a very short, simple note.  My hope is that she doesn't think I expect anything of her at all.

[ennie]

My BPD exH gets triggered if the kids have certain kinds of doctors' appointments.  I kind of don't tell them all on the same day because it's too much stress for him.  The kids are toddlers.  I have to worry about exH's stress as it is, so I worry that as the kids get older, he will be triggered more.  Did you find that, or was it less?  I am wondering what kinds of things they will say to him that may stress him.  While it's stressful to take care of little kids, older ones may bring more stress, so just wondering.

First off, everyone is different, so who knows?  But my answer is basically that it depends on what he is trying to get out of being triggered.

in our case, I think that the kids mom gets triggered around medical issues because it is an area where she has control, where she likes to be the expert and also feels like she is not adequate, so she gets narcissistic trying to compensate, because she knows she does stuff that impacts their health in a negative way, like chain smoke and let them stay up so they used to not get enough sleep. 

I think part of why she creates drama around appointments is because it is an opportunity to make the kids and the rest of the world think she is the best mom ever, and that we are somehow bad... .so it is really external.  But that the core that triggers her fear is that she thinks she is not doing a good enough job as a mom and that is the one thing she has "succeeded" at, at least in her daughters' eyes.

This meant that when the girls were very little it was bad because she knew she was blowing it... .but then it got easier on that front for a few years (in the early childhood period), then got much more challenging during the 8-12 range (see ":)ivorce Poison" on that front) because she tried to use medical stuff to alienate the kids and the school also started raising issues about why the kids were absent so often... .which was about half because they were ill, half because mom was drunk).  The 8-12 range is at time when kids are more susceptible to alienation, and particularly enmeshed SD14 was very prone to respond to mom's efforts during the 10-12 range. 

But now, at 10 and 14, it is much easier because the girls are just not as interested in mom's games.  They are really clear they love all of us, SD14 is still enmeshed but much more interested in friends than parents anyway, and SD10 was never really enmeshed but now has figured out better mom-management skills so it takes less energy for her.  The great thing is that as kids get older, they are more their own people, so it is easier for our relationship with them to be about them, not about mom or mom and dad's conflicts. 

I think it was really important for the kids to have a counselor during the hardest times.  The medical stuff was hugely frustrating for us because mom is BPD, so her made up concern for the kids and blame of dad's bad parenting was believable to the general public, though the opposite was the case--dad is a trained EMT, I am good at stability and healthy habits, mom is very alcoholic, not good with any boundaries... .and chainsmokes.  At any rate, every appointment was a battle, but DH just persisted in doing what he thought was right, mom did her thing at her house, and in the end the kids have grown up to internalize many of the habits that were the source of so much conflict in the past.  Health has always been a huge trigger for BPDmom and she has very strong views about odd things.  For a period, she was obsessed by abscesses, and was constantly convincing doctors to prescribe antibiotics with every mosquito bite.  Very odd.  Bad for the kids, I am sure, to ingest so many unnecessary antibiotics... .but what can you do?  One person's pimple is another's abscess.  It got so it was a joke in our house... .the kids would get a mosquito bite, and we would ask, ":)o you think it is an abscess?" and we would all crack up. 

So I guess I would say that it gets better, but it is slow, though it passes way faster than you can imagine because that is the nature of our beautiful kids growing up.  Seems like it is going to take forever, and then before you know it, it is almost done. 

I finally want to leave you with something a child of a broken home told me.  I was concerned and curious about my role as SM, and for a period asked all adult stepkids for advice.  One friend told me that at first it was hard having two homes with two totally different ways of seeing things... .but that as an adult, he feels like it was the biggest gift because he learned so early that there was not one right way, that you get to choose what you believe and how you see things.  So that is what I think with the girls, even when BPD mom was flipping out about health issues and I was really worried they would grow up not knowing how to perceive what their bodies felt like because all was being re-interpreted in such a skewed way... .then I heard my friend's perspective, and I realized that all I could do is give them my perception, my values, as just another point of view.  As a SM, I have no authority anyway, but my friend's view made me realize that in the end, I have the same thing anyone else has--an opportunity to help them learn who THEY want to be.  So that has been great--SD14 is totally enmeshed with mom in some ways to this day, but has here own sense of what makes her happy, that actually comes mostly from me because I am the one in the family who asks her how it feels... .hwo does it feel when you eat a lot of sugar, stay up too late?  Where does your back hurt?  What do you think made it feel that way?  I notice when you eat that you get a rash. 


That kind of thing. 

So hang in there.