Mourning the loss of someone who's still alive... and family counseling

[Youcantfoolme]

I know many of you have been following my story, for a whole now. After my last incident with my brother (about his uBPD wife) I've been able to find more peace with my situation. I tried every which way, to try to break the ice and start the healing process and it's no apparent, that his wife is just completely unable to get over certain things. Point blank, she has painted me black and so has my brother.

I am full Nc with him and his wife now for quite a while. I'm trying to go on with my life however, my mother seems unable to move on. I have tried very hard, to make sure she doesn't feel stuck in the middle. No mother wants to have to choose between her two kids, however, my brother is the one giving her that choice because his wife refuses to act cordial with me. I'm a mother too now, and I can't even imagine the heart Ache she feels. It seems every time we speak, my brother comes up. We are both still in complete shock and disarray and just can't understand what has happened to him. It's really hard to wrap your head around how someone could just turn his back on his family. That isn't how we were brought up. We don't come from a broken family. My mom has 5 brothers and sisters and still keeps very close contact with each and every one. There has never been a problem too big to solve within our family unit. We just don't go months without speaking. Until now, it was something that was completely unthinkable, to do in our family.


With that said, I know both my mom and I, feel like we are mourning. It's easy for me to drift off and not think about it because I have my husband and my son to keep me plenty busy. As for my mom however, she's rather lonely. She a widow. I think because she doesn't have other distractions, she spends more time focusing on the negative things. To be honest, I fell just as i did, right after my dad passed away. Some days she's ok with, some days she angry about it and other days she's completely upset and crying about it. Other times she's almost catatonic or in a speechless state of shock. She almost seems as if she's disassociated. I never know which one she's going to be from day to day.

I've tried encouraging her to go to therapy many times, not only to deal with this, but to deal with the other ton of emotional baggage she's been carrying around since my dad passed. She seems to always find some excuse as to why she can't. Personally I think she's afraid. Afraid to face reality, afraid to confront her fears and afraid that if it doesn't help her, then she's doomed to forever live under a black cloud.

I've been thinking a lot of family counseling but I have no idea how it works! Especially when it comes to your former immediate family. We're all adults, leading seperate lives, in seperate households. I can see if it were me, my husband and my son(who's only 1 but we will pretend he's 16 for hypothetical reasons.) we are all under the same healthcare so it would be covered for all of us. How does it work when you have multiple people with different insurances? Do they bill everyone's insurance or just one person?

I really think this is the push she needs to finally let go of some of the suppressed feelings, she's been holding inside. I think if I go with her and show her it's no as scary as she thinks, it will encourage her to go, on her own.

If anyone has any ideas, words of encouragement or advice of any kind on how to heal over the loss of a loved one (who's still here on earth with us) please share!

[Harri]

Hi youcantfoolme.  It is so sad to see families torn apart like yours is.  It does sound like your mother could benefit from counseling and I think it is sweet of you to be willing to go with her to show her it is not scary.  I think counseling is wonderful, but from my experience, things often feel worse after the first few sessions.  I am not saying that to change your mind, I just wanted to mention it in case you have never been for counseling yourself.  It can get pretty intense, especially after being shut down for a bit (I assume that is part of what is going on with your mom based on your description).   On the other hand, having someone firmly in your corner and having someone to talk with is so very helpful.  I hope she agrees to go with you.

I have never done group counseling so I have no idea how insurance issues work.  I would call the customer service number on the back of your insurance card and your mothers to find out if group sessions are covered and then perhaps try to call around to various clinics that take both insurances.  Are you hoping your brother will go as well?  

Maybe you could also print out some material from here and share it with your mom, or maybe share the site info with her?  Understanding the dynamics involved may help her to deal with the pain.  

I am sorry to hear your father passed.  I know it was very difficult for my dad after my mother passed even though they had a horrible marriage (I have no idea how close your parents were) but I was a bit stunned to see my dad so upset and hear him talk of her like she was the greatest thing ever.  My dad definitely fell into a deep depression.  Meds helped a bit with that, but not much as he was not willing to do much of anything to help himself.  I was not in the position to help him nor was I inclined to either to be honest.  

Sorry I do not have better or more specific info for you.  I do think counseling is a great idea and that perhaps she would benefit from taking medication for the depression.  How do you feel about that?

[littlebirdcline]

I have only been to one couple session, but I made the appointment and it went on my insurance only.  But I echo the idea of just call the insurance company and find out, because you just never know these days.   

I also agree with Harri that sometimes therapy seems like it's making it worse before it gets better, but if you're committed, it does get better.  Is  your mom the kind of person who might be willing to start by journaling?  Maybe if she starts by writing it down for herself, she might then be willing to go the next step and talk about it with you and a therapist. 

I also had another idea.  I wonder if some folks from the significant other boards here might offer some insight.  Maybe someone who has been where your brother is and let their BPD alienate them from their family?  Maybe they could offer some insight as to what might have helped them, or made it worse?  I have to believe if you have such a strong family as you describe, he won't go on like this forever.  My guess is that deep down he knows she's the issue, and that's why he can't talk to you.  He knows you might make him see the try the truth, and he's not ready for that.   I have a friend like that.  When she is doing something she knows is not right, she will avoid talking to me because she knows I'll call her out on it. You always hear that once you're married you should always take your spouse's side, and I agree with that.  My dad did not do that for my BPD mom, and it made things worse.  I'm sure he thinks he's doing the right thing.  Some day he'll see that the idea of taking your spouse's side is not a blanket rule.  Not if your spouse is truly the issue.  He's hurting you, but he's hurting himself, too.  I'm sure she's making his life hell.  (Trust me, I understand this from the child's perspective of a couple like your brother and sister in law.)

Good luck.  I think you are so right to focus on your mom right now.  Once you get a handle on that situation, maybe the two of you can tackle the brother issue together.  Keep us updated- I'm thinking good, healthy thoughts for you!

[Youcantfoolme]

Thank you both for your great advice!'

I am sorry to hear your father passed.  I

know it was very difficult for my dad after my mother passed even though they had a horrible marriage (I have no idea how close your parents were) but I was a bit stunned to see my dad so upset and hear him talk of her like she was the greatest thing ever.  My dad definitely fell into a deep depression.  Meds helped a bit with that, but not much as he was not willing to do much of anything to help himself.  I was not in the position to help him nor was I inclined to either to be honest

This was so profoundly true and really hit home for me! I NEVER thought ANYONE else in the world could even comprehend a situation like this. My parents relationship wasn't horrible but it was far from good or even mediocre. My dad spent most of his time drinking and ignoring my mother or being nasty, marked with a few sunny days when he'd suddenly act like he gave half a crap about her and either took her out to dinner or went away on a weekend getaway. I'd say 90% of the time it was not good, however, once he passed away, my mother dreamed up this whole amazing fantasy relationship they had and she fell into a depression. Aside from you, witnessing this with your own parents, one other person (my aunt) has validated my observations. Knowing this, it makes it a lot harder for me to empathize with her. I think a lot of them (your dad, my mom) acting that way is out of some sort of guilt they carry. Maybe they feel responsible for the relationship being sour and in their heads, they're trying to idealize and make up for lost time.

Anyway I just got off the phone with my mom, who told me she didn't even get dressed today and then proceeded to tell me, that she was really depressed about this whole situation with my brother. Her next words were, "but he thinks it's my choice, so... ." I asked of she felt it was and then said, "you know what? It IS your choice." She can have a relationship with him but she doesn't like his wife and doesn't like the fact that his wife hates me and won't allow him to see me. She feels, having a relationship on his wife's terms, which includes her  having to celebrate holidays and such, separately, one with them and one with me and my family. She thinks, by hanging out with him and his wife is sending the message that she doesn't support me and that she thinks it's ok that his wife is disallowing him to speak to me. I told her many times that if she's this depressed over not speaking with my brother, then she should just speak with him and not worry about me. I will totally understand her choices. Yes it may be a little hurtful but I will understand.

Journaling is a great idea! When I was in 8th grade, my English teacher passed out these small notebooks at the beginning of the year and told us we had to write in them every night. Even if it was just a paragraph. At first it was an annoying task but as the year went on, I started to really like it. I got my own notebook and started to journal every night from then on up until just a few years ago. It's what kept me same during my teenage and young adult years.

Thank you again for the advice. This situation is just so complicated. I believe that my brother DOES know it's his wife. He knows our characters very well and knows this is not how we normally are towards his SO's. His wife and him haven't even known each other a full 2 years now! They met, moved in and got engaged and married, in less than one years time! We haven't been on good terms with him in about 10 months now. It's really hard.

[Youcantfoolme]

I forgot to add that, my brother is the one who suggest she may have BPD, in the first place. That's how I got to this board!

[Harri]

Hi youcantfoolme.

Aside from you, witnessing this with your own parents, one other person (my aunt) has validated my observations. Knowing this, it makes it a lot harder for me to empathize with her. I think a lot of them (your dad, my mom) acting that way is out of some sort of guilt they carry. Maybe they feel responsible for the relationship being sour and in their heads, they're trying to idealize and make up for lost time.

LOL I felt validated and relieved too when I read you say the same thing!  Shortly after my mother died a friend and I were talking and I mentioned that I was confused by my father's rewriting of their history and her response made it quite clear to me that most other people will just not understand and that by saying it I made myself look very insensitive.  I can see where my words can come across that way and I attributed it to the fact that she did not grow up in a crazy family.  That particular assessment did not hold up for long as shortly after, another friend who did grow up in a very abusive family offered me words of 'comfort' and said that after her mother had passed all the years of pain and sorrow were washed away by her death.  I was stunned and speechless that even she somehow bought into the whole fantasy that often follows death.  I never really attributed it to guilt until I read your words.  That fits and when I think about it, I feel sad that they are (or were in my dads case) **still** enabling and acting out their part of the insanity.  Death resolves nothing.  :P

I am sorry you have to deal with that while trying to help your mother.  I found it so very difficult to want to help my dad out sometimes... .okay, most of the times.  I got frustrated a lot and told him he needed to help me by helping himself.  It would work for a day or so and then it would be over.  I realized that he was looking to me to take over for my mother, who treated him like crap but he still looked to her to figure out who he was and what he wanted in a lot of ways.  I, being someone who can easily change roles of both fixer and fixee had a very hard time setting boundaries for my own behaviors. 

She feels, having a relationship on his wife's terms, which includes her  having to celebrate holidays and such, separately, one with them and one with me and my family. She thinks, by hanging out with him and his wife is sending the message that she doesn't support me and that she thinks it's ok that his wife is disallowing him to speak to me. I told her many times that if she's this depressed over not speaking with my brother, then she should just speak with him and not worry about me. I will totally understand her choices. Yes it may be a little hurtful but I will understand.

That is both sad and heartwarming.  Sad because she is being or allowing herself to be ruled by another and heartwarming because she does not want to hurt you and that she realizes you are being treated unfairly. 

Do you see her getting to a point where she can say I will not play into the game?  Or maybe even say she will be hosting the celebration at her house and invite who she wants and whether they attend is up to them?  Those are the only two options I can think of that help her not to play into the silly SIL games... .Or she can hop on a plane and take off for a dream vacation!