Encouraging Therapy, Exercise & other Healthy Behaviors

[Inquisitive1]

Looking for any advice about encouraging my wife to attend therapy and/or exercise.

Are there any Workshops or Lessons on this topic?

Quick recap of my situation. My dBPDw had a tough year and was increasingly struggling at work which led to increasingly frequent outbursts at home. She was fired a couple of weeks ago. She had started therapy prior to that attending a couple of sessions and missing a couple. Since being fired she's been depressed. While this is totally understandable, I don't think she's taking good care of herself. She's isolating in the bedroom for much of the day and then not sleeping well at night. She's complaining of physical symptoms every day. She's not getting any exercise. Either therapy or exercise could help her feel better and improve her quality of life.

I brought up therapy earlier this week and she told me to stop pushing her in an angry tone.

I know she feels really bad about getting fired. This has happened to her several times and I think she's lost hope.

All advise and comments welcome.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

For now, I'm prioritizing her improving her self-care over telling our younger son. I cover that issue here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230366.0

[DreamFlyer99]

I know there are self-care articles here, but they seem to refer to "coming out of the FOG" etc since they're more aimed at those of us in r/s with someone suffering from BPD. Maybe someone who has been around here longer will come along with knowledge of articles that would be less triggering.

Personally I know that self-care builds on itself, like when I go for walks and realize I feel better then I want to go for more walks. Would she go if you just asked if she wanted to get out of the house for a bit and find some pretty place to wander?

But in the end, we can't really get a loved one with BPD into therapy, since it really needs to be their idea and something they themselves can see will help them. You wife may need to come to her own point of realizing her actions are messing with her relationships before she wants to go to therapy. That's super hard to wait for, but that's why we have the tools here to help us do our part of the relationship in the healthiest way possible.

[waverider]

The hard thing is you can't do this for her, the more you push the more she will feel controlled, and the more she will resist.

I have this problem too. The best way forward for me was to not make a drama over it, and to get on with being active myself, setting a good example and extend lots of offers, without pushing, for her to join in.

Dont get sucked into a victim/rescuer interaction, that will just validate a neediness.

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks guys. sounds like I need to continue to apply the "shut up more" technique. That doesn't come naturally to me. When I see a problem, I want to call it out and fix it.

I set a good example regarding exercise, I could try to do the same thing regarding therapy. I tried one T and didn't really like her. I'll try another.

[waverider]

When I see a problem, I want to call it out and fix it.

That method is not working. So call yourself out on that approach and apply yourself to finding an alternative method to fix it. >Big picture policy decision vs micromanaging

[waverider]

Thanks guys. sounds like I need to continue to apply the "shut up more" technique.

If you work on the acceptance aspect more then it becomes "no big deal so no point saying anything, I'm OK with it" vs "bite my tongue and bottle up frustration and pretend I'm Ok with it"

Not saying its easy, but it is the direction to head towards

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks Waverider. I've been thinking about doing some of the Acceptance Lessons. Are there any in particular you'd recommend? I had started working through the "Staying 101" thread, but maybe I need a quick dose of acceptance.

[Inquisitive1]

... .>Big picture policy decision vs micromanaging

Waverider, can you say a bit more about that. I understand the words, but i'm not sure what sort of "big picture policy decision" i would make.

If her behavior returned to what it was this summer and she wasn't in therapy, I'd need to set a boundary past which I'd leave. She's easier to get along with now, but not being healthy. Not a good example for her boys.

[waverider]

... .>Big picture policy decision vs micromanaging

Waverider, can you say a bit more about that. I understand the words, but i'm not sure what sort of "big picture policy decision" i would make.

If her behavior returned to what it was this summer and she wasn't in therapy, I'd need to set a boundary past which I'd leave. She's easier to get along with now, but not being healthy. Not a good example for her boys.

Anyone who lives with a pwBPD will have an enormous list of things that they think are wrong or inappropriate. the desire is to call them out on everything, after all it feels like the open and honest thing to do. Some things will be important, some trivial. Being called out on a lot of things will create a defensive/persecuted attitude resulting in total rebellion where everything is rejected>escalation.

The big picture policy decision is editing this list down to a balance so that progress can be made in the long run by not pushing too hard and creating a backlash. Politics to a degree if you like.

Micromanaging is focusing on each issue as a standalone issue, creating more work than is necessary with often detrimental results

Unfortunately there is no quick dose of acceptance, it is an evolution.

[DreamFlyer99]

Dont get sucked into a victim/rescuer interaction, that will just validate a neediness.

OOH super good point-- Clearly i'm still having trouble stepping away from that mentality!

[Inquisitive1]

Things have been calm around out house this week, which is great.

Her sleeping habits are off kilter, but with out all the rage explosions, it's almost like she doesn't need therapy... .but, she does. She needs therapy, so she'll be able to cope better next time she's in a stressful situation.

I will practice the "shut up more" technique a bit longer, but at some point she needs to go back to T. I may bring it up in the context of preparing to go back to work.

She said she wanted three weeks before dealing with looking for a job. That times up next week. If she she gets the unemployment paper work handled next week, that might be enough. Then she's going to visit family for a week. After that, she needs to find a job.

[DreamFlyer99]

I finally had to come to terms with the fact that the quiet times were simply the eye of the storm, and that the storm would indeed return.

That's how the disorder works.