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Author Topic: UBPDBF requires being treated like a child  (Read 1309 times)
Marvis
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« on: August 23, 2014, 05:48:49 PM »

Ok let me explain the subject line. My uBPDbf throws temper tantrums, alot. Today it was because the keurig decided to make him a medium sized coffee instead of a large which was "my fault" ultimately because I made myself a medium cup of coffee before him. And now he's retreated to the bedroom, silent treatment in full force,  looks like I get to sleep on the couch tonight. Anyway, every time something like this happens, after he has had a chance to come back to reality, he tells me I need to basically treat him like I would a 5 year old. Well, ok. Except I don't have children,  never wanted them, and I like it when they go home at the end of the day after I've fed them sugar  Smiling (click to insert in post) I don't have the supposed ingrained motherly skills. I think they skipped me when they were handing them out. I'm fine with it and usually so is the bf. My biggest question is this, how do I deal with the "I want it now, my way or else" emotional response I get on a daily basis? I've pretty much just been walking away from the situation lately so as not to get him to the point of no return rage response. Does anyone else out there get a 5 year old when you least expect it?
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2014, 08:33:12 PM »

Oh indeeeeeed... .

And the rub comes when we don't actually want to be partnered with a 5 year old.
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Marvis
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« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2014, 09:49:27 PM »

Oi, so frustrating.  I'm not mom material.  I always say I make a terrible girl. I belch like a 400 lb man who just shot gunned a six pack, my cussing would shame a sailor, I'm not vain but I do enjoy smelling pretty, I loathe shopping especially for clothes. Kids either annoy me or frustrate me because you can't talk to them, they don't know anything, lucky ducks. Never played with dolls as a child, always hot wheels and to this day I get goosebumps when I hear the neighbors old Chevelle rumbling down the road. I should have been a mechanic. Point being, with my lack of motherly instinct, it's not easy trying to reason with a 31 year old man who may as well be on the grocery store floor kicking and screaming cause I won't let him get those pop tarts he wants. I'm not his mom. I'm his girlfriend, of almost 10 years. We've been through so much together. I'm trying to pull us both up, dust us off, and keep surviving. I put on my big girl pants, I just wish he was able to wear his big boy pants for longer than a few hours a day.
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waverider
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« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2014, 11:06:16 PM »

Has he degenerated or has he always been like this?

What was it that attracted you in the first place?

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Marvis
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2014, 09:07:03 PM »

Has he degenerated or has he always been like this?

What was it that attracted you in the first place?

He has not always been like this. When we first met I knew I was going to spend my life with him. I couldn't place why or how I knew this, it's on some very deep level that him and I are attracted to each other. We always say that the boyfriend/girlfriend title doesn't fit us. First dating, he was thoughtful, caring, all the good gushy stuff  a few months in he cheated on me, I went in the psych ward for my bipolar because of so much drama, my self medicating brain at the time couldn't handle it. I broke down, he knew he pushed me over the edge. After that week, he picked me up from the hospital and we've been together ever since. A few major hiccups along the way but like I said, we are something way more than bf/gf so we're here, trudging through the mud together. Neither of us would have if any other way even though his brain tries to tell him otherwise. He tests me, us, alot but I'm still here through the silent treatments, the screaming and crying, the temper tantrums, the good, the.bad, the ugly.
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waverider
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2014, 09:23:49 PM »

I think you are like many here.

It is not what it was

It is hard to put your finger on why the bond is as deep as it is, you just know it is.

You know there are problems, you accept them, become frustrated and end up resenting not just him but yourself for not having a handle on it.>>Trudging through mud is a good description.

If you can find a good solid foundation just under the surface of the mud you will gain some traction and cause the mud to be a hinderance but not a quagmire of hopelessness.

Just to give you some comfort it is is possible to get to a space where the sun shines again, and life can be good even though the BPD mud is still there. Eliminating the mud is not a prerequisite for a good life.

Enjoy your time here and you will learn a lot more, firstly about yourself, and what you can and can't do to help your partner focus his life a little better. It can be quite enlightening.

I suspect dealing with neediness is your biggest challenge at the moment
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2014, 12:01:51 AM »

Aye... I've gotten accused of sabotaging his lunch because I ordered a special burger (I asked for no onions) and they forgot his cheese... .so it's my fault because every time I ask for something special they always mess up his food, and i didn't care about him enough to make sure his food was right. I've actually remedied that just by checking his food before I leave or give it to him, but the first time it happened I didn't know what the heck was going on.

It does get tiring. I am trying to learn the tools... .trying to see what I can do to lower the defcon from time to time. Lately, validating isnt working, because now he's just accusing me of agreeing or saying I understand to shut him up, even though I mean it... I really am trying to look at things through his eyes. Not exactly sure what to do now.
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waverider
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« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2014, 03:50:59 AM »

Aye... I've gotten accused of sabotaging his lunch because I ordered a special burger (I asked for no onions) and they forgot his cheese... .so it's my fault because every time I ask for something special they always mess up his food, and i didn't care about him enough to make sure his food was right. I've actually remedied that just by checking his food before I leave or give it to him, but the first time it happened I didn't know what the heck was going on.

It does get tiring. I am trying to learn the tools... .trying to see what I can do to lower the defcon from time to time. Lately, validating isnt working, because now he's just accusing me of agreeing or saying I understand to shut him up, even though I mean it... I really am trying to look at things through his eyes. Not exactly sure what to do now.

I guess the most important thing to do when he goes of on crazy accusations is to not react back and feed the pointless cycle. He is just venting frustrations, and rather than being able to accept that sometimes things go wrong, he has to blame someone. Thats black and white. "sometimes things just go wrong through no ones fault" is too grey and he cant visualize that.

I can cuss and swear at things when I can't get things to work. My partner can't handle that, if I am cussing and swearing then it must be aimed at someone. Frustrations have to be attributable to ensure it is not their fault.
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« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2014, 10:43:30 AM »

waverider, I am so thankful for you on this board. I cam on here last night right after he feel asleep in a rage, and your words always put it back in the right prospective for me. I reminded myself of other pieces of advice you have given, such as this relationship is a choice, and about not taking the words personal. I reread some other threads, and your posts always help me get my mind back on track. I CHOOSE to let the words hurt me... .I CHOOSE to be defensive, even though I know why he does it and how he thinks.

Thank you very much. After about 30 min on this board last night I was able to go to sleep.



Aye... I've gotten accused of sabotaging his lunch because I ordered a special burger (I asked for no onions) and they forgot his cheese... .so it's my fault because every time I ask for something special they always mess up his food, and i didn't care about him enough to make sure his food was right. I've actually remedied that just by checking his food before I leave or give it to him, but the first time it happened I didn't know what the heck was going on.

It does get tiring. I am trying to learn the tools... .trying to see what I can do to lower the defcon from time to time. Lately, validating isnt working, because now he's just accusing me of agreeing or saying I understand to shut him up, even though I mean it... I really am trying to look at things through his eyes. Not exactly sure what to do now.

I guess the most important thing to do when he goes of on crazy accusations is to not react back and feed the pointless cycle. He is just venting frustrations, and rather than being able to accept that sometimes things go wrong, he has to blame someone. Thats black and white. "sometimes things just go wrong through no ones fault" is too grey and he can visualize that.

I can cuss and swear at things when I can't get things to work. My partner can't handle that, if I am cussing and swearing then it must be aimed at someone. Frustrations have to be attributable to ensure it is not their fault.

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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2014, 12:27:22 PM »

waverider, I am so thankful for you on this board.

Me too! Waverider's able to get to the Truth of the Matter, the very heart.

Validating took me a while to understand how to do correctly, how to say "I hear that you're very frustrated about the burger not having cheese" first, without laughing over what seemed to me to be the absurdity that cheese was a make it or break it deal, second, with compassion and respect that said his feelings were okay but they were his and didn't actually belong to me.
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« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2014, 01:01:17 PM »

This wasn't going well last night... .I was saying things like "Yes, it is very frustrating. You have every right to be angry" Then he accused me of saying that just to shut him up... .I think he's on to me on my validation techniques.

The real kicker is trying to not look or feel annoyed when I see another several hour ragefest coming on, and I know I will have to sit there until the storm passes. Even if I don't THINK I'm showing my annoyance... .the bugger knows and will call me on it... .it's like he smells it on me or something Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

He was upset about the car having issues, so he usually tries several different ways to pick a fight (IE starts with how much he hates one of my fav shows, which I calmly said that's A-Ok that he has his own opinion about it, when that didn't make me angry, he started talking about how I sleep in the bed that I take the whole thing up and my knees are in his back every night... .which is false... .etc) ... .it's like he's poking around, trying to find something that will get a reaction out of me. When it doesn't, he will finally bring up what REALLY bothers him, but you are right... .he still needs to assign blame. It's no one's fault the car is breaking down, but he had to put it on me last night saying I should be taking the bus, and my coming home anxious from driving it makes him want to kill himself.


waverider, I am so thankful for you on this board.

Me too! Waverider's able to get to the Truth of the Matter, the very heart.

Validating took me a while to understand how to do correctly, how to say "I hear that you're very frustrated about the burger not having cheese" first, without laughing over what seemed to me to be the absurdity that cheese was a make it or break it deal, second, with compassion and respect that said his feelings were okay but they were his and didn't actually belong to me.

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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2014, 01:13:28 PM »

ColdEthyl--

why do you feel you have to sit through the several hour storm?
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« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2014, 01:21:20 PM »

it's not easy trying to reason with a 31 year old man who may as well be on the grocery store floor kicking and screaming cause I won't let him get those pop tarts he wants.

I've dealt with this, literally.  It's not fun.  I haven't seen her do it in public, yet, but I have seen her lying on the sofa, kicking her feet and flailing her arms and screaming at the top of her lungs.  It's scary.  It would be frustrating enough to see your 3 year old do it, let alone a 38 year old.   After witnessing that, I've realized that I am dealing with someone whose brain quite literally hasn't moved beyond the primitive coping mechanisms she was born with.  I often read on here the analogy that we are dealing with a child trapped in an adult body.  I've come to believe that is more than an analogy - it's literal truth.  
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2014, 01:45:34 PM »

but I have seen her lying on the sofa, kicking her feet and flailing her arms and screaming at the top of her lungs.  

Noo! A literal tantrum!

I've called my husband's rages "tantrums" because even though he has awesome verbal skills and a clever mind (translated: he knows just where to poke at me) they have all the markers of a 2 year old stomping his feet and balling up his fists and screaming, eyes closed and in their own angry little world.

It's true--they're acting out of the rules they developed to cope in their childhoods. Until they realize those old rules aren't' working for them in the here and now and work to change them, we just need to continue to work our boundaries and not take stuff personally.
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winnie77

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« Reply #14 on: August 27, 2014, 02:18:28 PM »

It is hard to put your finger on why the bond is as deep as it is, you just know it is.

You know there are problems, you accept them, become frustrated and end up resenting not just him but yourself for not having a handle on it.>>Trudging through mud is a good description.

I relate so much to this... .wow... .there have been so many times when I felt so disappointed in myself for not being abreast of what was going on and allowing myself to be hurt by his actions, but as you said, I can't put my finger on the depth of our love but we know it's there. I still try to trust my husband after lies and other women. In fact, my husband felt so badly about not making enough money that he lied to me about how much he was making and when I started questioning him on it he shut down and stopped communication with me almost completely, grew distant then started talking to a woman at work about how if he didn't get his promotion I would leave him, which wasn't true, then we lost our house because he lied about how much he made so we got one too big, and ended up not having a place to live. He said he would be promoted out if state so I went two states over to my mother's to wait for his promotion and while I was gone he got mean to me and hardly talked to me and what had happened is the woman he had talked to at work that I knew nothing about, no longer worked there so he called her and was talking to her either vocal or text constantly for two weeks... .late at night, early morning and all day... .he stopped but she didnt. When I found out a month later from the phone bill, my husband had already started to make changes in how we communicated and was trying harder but when I asked about her it took him awhile to be honest. When I confronted her she said he told her we were separated and I had left him (he denies this)... .she also was rude and tried to break us up. He admits that he realized it was wrong before I found out and told her he should have been talking to me instead. When I first found out he said he had been contemplating divorce but now he says that he thought I was going to divorce him. He is very sorry and it was after this he got diagnosed. Does this sound like BPD behavior? It's all confusing for me and it hurts, because we are and have always been so close. Just feel like it took something good from us... .it also hurts that he improved after she was in his life... .
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« Reply #15 on: August 27, 2014, 02:23:56 PM »

Oh and let me add that he swears that they were just friends and that she built his ego and that nothing happened. It's hard to believe that someone would risk a marriage with someone they love so much for someone that just feels sorry for them and boosts their ego... .is it common for BPD? It seems childish to me... .
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« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2014, 02:49:47 PM »

I think I posted this in the wrong area... .so sorry, getting acclimated... .ugh... : ) do I just leave it here or what? Lol
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #17 on: August 27, 2014, 04:15:29 PM »

Mostly because I have children from a previous marriage, and my schizophrenic 28 year old brother who also live with us, and I can't really hop into the car and take off and leave him there ranting like a loon. I'd rather talk to him in our bedroom upstairs, let him get it all out between us rather than spill over.

My 14 year old knows what's going on, I've explained his condition to her, and what it means. My son is Asperger's (I know... .I got quite the mixed bag, don't I?) and he understood also. They have grown up with my brother (I've had him since he was 14) and seen some of the things he deals with, so they were already more acclimated to the situation.

I feel like I should clarify, in our 4 years together, we have only had one verbal fight in front of the children, and we talked to them about it. He's pretty good at keeping "this face" from them. They just know sometimes I need to speak to him alone for an hour or so. When he's raging when people are home, he doesn't yell... .just yammers on and on.



ColdEthyl--

why do you feel you have to sit through the several hour storm?

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« Reply #18 on: August 27, 2014, 04:24:21 PM »

What I meant to say in this discussion is I can relate to the tantrums although my husband doesnt necessarily tantrum, he pouts and if it goes beyond pout, it is rage, but usually over things that just aren't that high on my priority list, like not getting to buy lunch when everyone else gets to, or not being able to afford cable or not getting to go fish on his day off because there are responsibilities that need to get done. Now, I sometimes just say "God won't give us more than we can handle" and it seems to help him back down some but I'm not sure it gets rid of the feelings.
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« Reply #19 on: August 28, 2014, 07:02:45 AM »

This wasn't going well last night... .I was saying things like "Yes, it is very frustrating. You have every right to be angry" Then he accused me of saying that just to shut him up... .I think he's on to me on my validation techniques.

If you feel validating is not working stop. It is a maintenance tool not a cure all tool. It can cause you to start enduring abuse past the point were you should be using boundaries. Push it too far and you start to feel impotent. Instead stick to not invalidating, where your default is to say nothing. Otherwise you will panic and go into JADE.

The real kicker is trying to not look or feel annoyed when I see another several hour ragefest coming on, and I know I will have to sit there until the storm passes. Even if I don't THINK I'm showing my annoyance... .the bugger knows and will call me on it... .it's like he smells it on me or something Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

This is eggshells, you are allowing yourself to feel guilty rather than being entitled not to be interrogated, you are putting up with disrespect and bullying.

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« Reply #20 on: August 28, 2014, 07:07:41 AM »

 I often read on here the analogy that we are dealing with a child trapped in an adult body.  I've come to believe that is more than an analogy - it's literal truth.  

You have authority over a child, they lack experience and are open to learning.

A pwBPD on the other hand knows you do not have authority over them, they can at times have authority over you. They are an adult. They are not open to learning. They have had a lifetime of acting this way and see no reason to change. Odds are you have been conditioned to allowing yourself to be treated this way.

Give me a toddlers tantrum to deal with anyday Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #21 on: August 28, 2014, 11:45:57 AM »

Thank you so much for posting this. I have a 46 yr old - 4 year old, and it even seems to be getting worse. I would provide all his personal care including bathing him if he had it his way. It is bad enough as it is. If I try to do "less" the attack on how I would be a terrible mother, it's a good thing I don't have kids, I should never have kids (I am still.of the age that's possible for a few more years).

And the food... .I know that too well. I am supposed to taste his drinks to make sure they are right before I give them to him. Also, open each food item to make sure his is correct & not overcooked/undercooked whatever.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #22 on: August 28, 2014, 12:32:14 PM »

How do I stop the bullying and disrespect? There's a lot of the time where he's going off and NOT being mean to me... .but he wants to vent, and as I stated before I don't really want to leave the house because of my children. I COULD leave WITH them, but sometimes it's late night, or I'm afraid he might go around breaking things.

This is so hard... .he's such an awesome man when he isn't dysregulating... .I love him to pieces  I know I put up with too much, I've read books, read this board and I still feel like in the thick of it, I have no idea what to do.


This wasn't going well last night... .I was saying things like "Yes, it is very frustrating. You have every right to be angry" Then he accused me of saying that just to shut him up... .I think he's on to me on my validation techniques.

If you feel validating is not working stop. It is a maintenance tool not a cure all tool. It can cause you to start enduring abuse past the point were you should be using boundaries. Push it too far and you start to feel impotent. Instead stick to not invalidating, where your default is to say nothing. Otherwise you will panic and go into JADE.

The real kicker is trying to not look or feel annoyed when I see another several hour ragefest coming on, and I know I will have to sit there until the storm passes. Even if I don't THINK I'm showing my annoyance... .the bugger knows and will call me on it... .it's like he smells it on me or something Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

This is eggshells, you are allowing yourself to feel guilty rather than being entitled not to be interrogated, you are putting up with disrespect and bullying.

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« Reply #23 on: August 30, 2014, 03:39:47 PM »

Food was too salty today. Off to the bedroom to ignore/avoid/whatever else.  I'm sure I'll get the "you don't care about me/don't know how to take care of me/never feed me" spiel later. I guess I need to stick to kid friendly recipes. This was after I was made to feel bad for finally catching up on much needed sleep. I work graveyards, as does he, between the drama he brings to our relationship with other women who are now overly emotionally attached to him and just the general crap I go through daily at work and home I hardly sleep. Sorry I'm not sorry for being exhausted and I'm very very sorry you can't sleep.  I go through the crap that you go through too. I know you are overwhelmingly sensitive to all of it but it drains every last drop of life force out of me. Sorry for ranting guys, I'm a bit distressed today.  *screaming on the inside*
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« Reply #24 on: August 30, 2014, 04:50:55 PM »

We get it, Marvis, we get it.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

We had a week long Thing over my putting tomatoes in a stew I made. It was ALSO too salty.
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« Reply #25 on: August 30, 2014, 05:50:56 PM »

We get it, Marvis, we get it.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

We had a week long Thing over my putting tomatoes in a stew I made. It was ALSO too salty.

Goodness, how dare you. The world has ended. Officially. Excuse the sarcasm, it's all I got right now.

I know you guys get it. Thank you all for listening with an understanding and loving ear. It means more than you know <--not sarcasm Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #26 on: September 01, 2014, 12:10:39 AM »

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

i stood, watching him blankly, the 59 year old man saying "YOU DON'T PUT TOMATOES IN STEWWWW!" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Marvis
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 62



« Reply #27 on: September 01, 2014, 01:53:51 AM »

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

i stood, watching him blankly, the 59 year old man saying "YOU DON'T PUT TOMATOES IN STEWWWW!" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) perhaps we should get together and have a nice over salted tomato - y dinner sometime. Tomatoes in stew sounds lovely. Mine was a variation of fried rice but instead of rice I used quiona. I also made homemade egg rolls. He approved this dinner and watched me cook it. *sigh* going in to day 3 of silence/attack g/f mode
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maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #28 on: September 01, 2014, 01:28:42 PM »

Hmm.  The can sometimes says "stewed" tomatoes!

LOL. 

Egad.  I'm laughing because I can relate.  At least she is pretty good about not complaining about what I cook, but she has done so before.  A little tiny bad thing at a restaurant, though, and she will "stew" (pun intended) for weeks.

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DreamFlyer99
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 1863



« Reply #29 on: September 01, 2014, 02:18:27 PM »

Hmm.  The can sometimes says "stewed" tomatoes!

INDEED!

And you COOK, Maxterling? Wow that's lovely!

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) perhaps we should get together and have a nice over salted tomato - y dinner sometime. Tomatoes in stew sounds lovely. Mine was a variation of fried rice but instead of rice I used quiona. I also made homemade egg rolls. He approved this dinner and watched me cook it. *sigh* going in to day 3 of silence/attack g/f mode

Sounds good to me! Both "stewing" together and your meal. i'm so sorry about the silence and the rest of it. I've seen where Waverider said their upset is generally just indicative of something else going on with them and they're just using that "offense" to react to.

How do I stop the bullying and disrespect? There's a lot of the time where he's going off and NOT being mean to me... .but he wants to vent, and as I stated before I don't really want to leave the house because of my children. I COULD leave WITH them, but sometimes it's late night, or I'm afraid he might go around breaking things.

This is so hard... .he's such an awesome man when he isn't dysregulating... .I love him to pieces  I know I put up with too much, I've read books, read this board and I still feel like in the thick of it, I have no idea what to do.

This is still on my mind, ColdEthyl-- and i keep hoping Waverider will address it. i only know i had to state that this conversation wasn't helping, and i would come back in a while and we could talk again if he could be respectful. Is your h disrespectful or calling you names or anything when he's venting?
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