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Author Topic: Sleeping separately  (Read 558 times)
Marvis
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« on: August 23, 2014, 06:17:15 PM »

I'm a new topic posting fool today  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) how many of you out there dont/can't sleep in the same bed or room with their SO? The uBPDbf wants his own room and bed because he doesn't sleep well when I'm next to him. This kind of hurts my feelings but at the same time we both work graveyards and with his BPD and my bipolar disorder we both need as much sleep as we can get, which doesn't come easy for either of us. We've talked about getting two smaller beds instead of one big one but we haven't really talked about separate rooms. I think that's what's hurting my feelers. I like to be with him as much as I can be. I love him so obviously I want to be around him but my head can't wrap itself around th logistics of separate rooms for some reason. Anyone got any advice or suggestions? Personal accounts?  Anything?
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enlighten me
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« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2014, 06:25:24 PM »

Im afraid to say that I ended up sleeping separately in both my uBPD relationships.

With my exgf it was because she was pregnant at first and said she couldn't get comfortable with me there. Then it was because she wanted to bring the baby into bed with her and was scared I would squash him. Then she said she couldn't share a bed with someone she didn't trust.

With my ex wife it was because she had ME (a lie) and couldn't sleep with me there.

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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2014, 08:35:27 PM »

That would hurt my feelings too!

Is it just too small a bed? Too much movement from one or the other of you? Or... .?
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workinprogress
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« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2014, 08:59:05 PM »

My wife and I don't share a bed either.  I hate it.  She can't share a bed with anyone else I guess.
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ziniztar
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« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2014, 09:06:24 PM »

I've had some discussion about this. The way my dBPDbf sleeps is closely related to his moods and attitude towards me. In the beginning during the infatuation phase, he clinged onto me in bed. Extremely suffocating and I ended up discussing it with him, he of course was insulted. I was loosing sleep over it.

Now I know he's mad at me because he will turn away from me. Well ok. Tough to deal with sometimes but I've learnt myself not to escalate that anymore as it works as a trigger for me. Usually his mood is gone in the morning and he cuddles me.

So, no, no separate sleeping... although I can totally understand that it is important to have very strict boundaries or this will become a source of conflict. I would be hurt too if he would want to sleep in another room, I think two beds next to each other really are the best option. Otherwise... .what's left?  
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Marvis
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« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2014, 09:34:13 PM »

Alot of the issue is we like different things when it comes to sleeping, just like virtually every couple in the world. I prefer one blanket and the room cooler and he likes 20 (exaggeration but it seems like that many) blankets covering him with a warm room. This, in turn,  makes him sweat, he then proceeds to roll over to the "dry" side of the bed, if I'm on that dry side he can't do this. I also have a little black cat that follows me everywhere. Him and I get the brunt of uBPDbf 's upsets so I think we try to keep each other safe. Since the cat follows me to bed 32% of the time, this makes the bf upset because he feels trapped. An understandable feeling when there's a 13 pound cat by or on your legs, I know this first hand. I see his points, they make sense. If I could just convince him that the same room with two beds would be more logical.  Like back in the 50s, let's shove the twin beds together *wink wink*  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I know he wants his own space,  a safe spot to go to when he needs to bring himself back to this world, which he has by the way but he just doesn't seem to understand that I need that too. I need to feel accepted not abandoned, just like he does but I'm not sure how to explain this to him. There is so much love in our relationship. He just has a harder time showing it.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2014, 12:08:27 AM »

At our worst point, we slept in separate rooms. There are times when we still sleep separately because I am the one that deals with all of the night time parenting. I will lay on the floor in the kids room until they fall asleep. A lot of the time, I fall asleep and don't wake up until morning.

I think we were in separate rooms for about two years. When he was at his worst, I moved him into his own room and set his room up as a little man cave with his movies, his books, his musical instruments and the whole nine yards. The kids and I would share the big king size bed in our room and he had his bed in his room. In the early stages of our marriage, we never slept apart. He would make such a big deal out of us sleeping in the same room. He didn't even like to go on trips without me because he didn't want to sleep alone. Not only could he not sleep alone but I had to hold him and rub his back to help him sleep.

I moved him out of our room after he shoved me one night. I don't remember all of the specifics. I was having a difficult time getting the baby to sleep and was in our room. He got up and he was angry and we exchanged words. I was holding the baby and he shoved me and I fell and hurt my arm. The baby was fine but I had a pretty bruised up arm. I am sharing this story because it might be helpful to ask yourself if there is any chance that he could get violent or angry if things don't go his way during the night. When my husband is half a sleep, he is a jerk.

I hated sleeping separately but it was better than fighting. It allowed both of us to get better sleep. I have moved back into the same room with him in the last several months. Separate rooms and separate beds were rough adjustments to make at first and there were a lot of nights when I would cry myself to sleep but it ended up increasing the peace.

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ziniztar
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« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2014, 07:01:53 AM »

Sounds like you already have quite some boundaries in place  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). You come across very aware and reflective.

What is the reason you stay in the relationship?
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2014, 07:02:23 AM »

 

The Tempurpedic bed is good to reduce "movement" issues in bed.  I'm a bigger guy... .so when I move around it would shake the entire bed.

Also... I recommend going for king size... .that gives plenty of room for retreat if someone is a bed hog.   Since I'm a bed hog... .I can say that!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm also a CPAP wearing guy now.  Sleep has grown increasingly difficult over the years... .and it is critical.

So... .my advice... .is that if the choice is get plenty of good sleep... .or sleep together and be tired during day.  Get the sleep! 

Again... realize my point of view on this and certainly exhaust all other possibilities before splitting up the rooms.

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sweetheart
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« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2014, 07:54:05 AM »

This last year my dBPDh has been very unwell, we have been together 8 years. He started not coming to bed and would sleep on the sofa when he was feeling upset and angry. I am certain if we had a spare room it would have slept in it often. Initially I was really upset by his choice to not sleep with me, but kept how I felt to myself.

I now accept that sometimes he needs to do this as he cannot be near me and this is about him, not me. When he is feeling okay he is in bed next to me as usual. When I wake up in the morning and he is not there I just start the day as usual.

Like you Marvis I love my husband and struggle with his absence, but I have had to reframe my expectation of a successful relationship many times as part of my decision to stay with someone who has been diagnosed with BPD.
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ziniztar
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« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2014, 08:12:19 AM »

Like you Marvis I love my husband and struggle with his absence, but I have had to reframe my expectation of a successful relationship many times as part of my decision to stay with someone who has been diagnosed with BPD.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) great attitude!
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yeeter
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« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2014, 04:04:57 PM »

I moved out of the bedroom about ... .4 years ago, and never went back.   Too much overhead involved, and at night I like to wind down before sleep (plus I get up much earlier than my wife and she likes to stay up late)

My sleep has improved tremendously, and better sleep translated to better health.

I never thought I would sleep in a separate room from my wife.  But at this stage its 'no big deal'. 

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B12orBPD

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« Reply #12 on: August 24, 2014, 05:58:46 PM »

Maybe you can get him to try your idea of two beds pushed together, and if there is room he could have a non sleeping little man cave. It's hard to come to a resolution if the partner is disagreeable though.

My parents were together from age 15 until they died; they had twin beds pushed together with separate sheets and blankets, and one king sized bedspread; they talked often about how well this worked. When one didn't feel well they would sleep in separate rooms, it wasn't a big deal, just a practical consideration. I was surprised when I grew up that not everyone was so reasonable.  *Luckily* uBPDh straightened me out and I'm not surprised anymore. ugh.
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tayana
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« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2014, 03:00:38 PM »

My partner and I have different rooms.  We used to sleep together, but she decided she wanted her own space, so I made her a room in the basement where she can have all of her baseball memorbilia and her king size bed.  I sleep better without her, and when she suggested moving back upstairs I told her I kind of liked having my own space.  She was upset with me, but we are still sleeping apart.
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #14 on: August 26, 2014, 03:04:59 PM »

I guess there are as many variations in likes and dislikes as there are couples... .so if whatever arrangement is good with both, I guess the specifics aren't as big of a deal.

B12, I love that "*luckily* uBPDh straightened me out and I'm not surprised anymore" comment! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I suppose by those standards we've all become less surprised by life, eh?

But ohhhh for my own king-sized bed... .
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