Mom having kids to call her husband "Dad"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Anyone experienced this? How did you handle it?

I've been having this problem on and off since our divorce nearly 2 years ago. Every boyfriend she brought into their lives where referred to as ":)ad" by the kids. She got married a year ago and she of course started making them call him ":)ad." To make matters worse, they were separated for four months during which time she had just enough time to get into another relationship and that fellow was also referred to as ":)ad." Well, they got back together in the beginning of the Summer and again she is making them call him ":)ad." She emails me saying her husband is their Dad now.

I don't know what to do other than talk to the kids and remind them I am their ":)ad." I am taking her to court for a custody modification soon, but in an unrelated matter: Her not attending to their Special Needs.

Any words on wisdom on how to successfully address this craziness?

[trying2coparent]

Anyone experienced this? How did you handle it?

I've been having this problem on and off since our divorce nearly 2 years ago. Every boyfriend she brought into their lives where referred to as ":)ad" by the kids. She got married a year ago and she of course started making them call him ":)ad." To make matters worse, they were separated for four months during which time she had just enough time to get into another relationship and that fellow was also referred to as ":)ad." Well, they got back together in the beginning of the Summer and again she is making them call him ":)ad." She emails me saying her husband is their Dad now.

I don't know what to do other than talk to the kids and remind them I am their ":)ad." I am taking her to court for a custody modification soon, but in an unrelated matter: Her not attending to their Special Needs.

Any words on wisdom on how to successfully address this craziness?

[enlighten me]

My ex didn't go all the way as I put a stop to it early on. My boys are now old enough to know better.

She had moved in with her new boyfriend (now her husband) and I was having the boys for a weekend. They referred to him as their step dad and his daughters as their sisters.

I was a bit taken aback by this and said that until he married your mum he was not their stepdad and the girls weren't their sisters. Once married he would be their step dad and the girls would be their step sisters.

They said that their mum had told them to call them it. I said that it was not the correct term to call them and their mum should not be trying to force it. They never called them it again and even said to their mum that she was using incorrect terminology.

[trying2coparent]

Thanks. I did put a stop on it last year, but it's starting again, sigh. What makes things worse is that the kids have special needs that require stability and consistency. She keeps on changing this a lot so it's not helping the cause.

[NorthernGirl]

I had a bit of the opposite. DH's ex (UBPD) was adamant that I wasn't to be called Stepmom. SS20 (who has special needs) was told over and over to ignore me when DH and I married, and was never to call me Stepmom. He was about 15. SS20 was very torn as he loves me and was very happy DH and I were getting married. So we talked about it a few times. I told him that I liked being called "NorthernGirl" and that if he had to explain who he was to others, he could say I was his Dad's wife.

One of the things I noticed is that once I didn't make a big deal of it, then SS20 relaxed about it. I know he talked about it with his mom (he tells her almost everything) and I think when she realized I wasn't getting worked up about it, she needed to move onto something else.

You may just have to ignore it - especially when she is saying it to you (to no doubt get a rise out of you.) Just hit delete on those emails. What do your kids say about it? I would focus on helping them deal with it. Try to listen to them and see if you can help them figure this out -- and make it clear that you love being their Dad and that's all that really matters.

A few good friend of mine has a daughter who has been told for years she must call her Dad's second wife "Mom". The daughter did, but told her biomom over and over she didn't like doing it. She only did it so her dad wouldn't get mad. Meanwhile, her mom just let it go. That went on for a few years but has all backfired now. The daughter can see how controlling this was and is now trying to make it so she doesn't have to live with her dad anymore.

[enlighten me]

One thing I forgot to mention is my ex wife tried to get my sons to change their name to her new husbands name. They where very confused as they didn't want to have a different name to their mum but didn't want to change it from my name.

I was furious but kept calm for the boys and said it didn't matter what they called themselves they would always be my sons. This took the pressure off of them and in the end they both decided they wanted to keep my name. Im relieved as I don't think the marriage will last and then they will be stuck with his name on half their school records.

This is one of the most annoying things about my ex wife post break up is the way she works on our sons and suggests things in a way that they don't want to say no and upset her.

[ImaFita]

Anyone experienced this? How did you handle it?

I've been having this problem on and off since our divorce nearly 2 years ago. Every boyfriend she brought into their lives where referred to as ":)ad" by the kids. She got married a year ago and she of course started making them call him ":)ad." To make matters worse, they were separated for four months during which time she had just enough time to get into another relationship and that fellow was also referred to as ":)ad." Well, they got back together in the beginning of the Summer and again she is making them call him ":)ad." She emails me saying her husband is their Dad now.

I don't know what to do other than talk to the kids and remind them I am their ":)ad." I am taking her to court for a custody modification soon, but in an unrelated matter: Her not attending to their Special Needs.

Any words on wisdom on how to successfully address this craziness?

Yes, I have experienced this.

Currently I see my son through a supervised centre and they are under strict instructions not to encourage my son to call me Dad - his Mum seems as insecure about this as she is about me even seeing my young bloke. But to be honest, I'm not really worried about him calling me Dad atm, I just want to make the time I actually have with him - count.

In my limited experience in dealing with BPD people is that they won't encourage anything that is going to benefit you (such as calling you ':)ad'. I've been advised to just concentrate on the relationship with my son, as opposed to getting too caught up in labels atm, but I am sure your situation is much different - being much further down the line than myself.

Best of luck.

[trying2coparent]

Good advise all along. I need to learn to disengage and focus on what I can control, my relation with the kids. I think that my ex is just angry at my request to change custody. She isn't taking care of their Special Needs and says everything is fine, when there has been ample evidence at school and via medical diagnosis that say otherwise. I guess it's her BPD way saying, if I (the Dad) say it, it can't be truth so lets annoy the heck out of him and try to provoke an incident.

[enlighten me]

Good advise all along. I need to learn to disengage and focus on what I can control, my relation with the kids. I think that my ex is just angry at my request to change custody. She isn't taking care of their Special Needs and says everything is fine, when there has been ample evidence at school and via medical diagnosis that say otherwise. I guess it's her BPD way saying, if I (the Dad) say it, it can't be truth so lets annoy the heck out of him and try to provoke an incident.

I wouldn't look at it as her pushing back at you. I don't think its the case of if you say its wrong. I feel its more of the case that she isn't coping and to admit it would be her admitting she is not capable. As we all know anything that casts a BPD as being less than they say they are will cause a major reaction.

My advice would be to try and validate her by saying that you realise how much hard work raising the children on her own is and that she is doing a great job but you would like to help more.

Even if you don't think she is doing a great job this may make her more willing to let you get involved with the children more. If she feels you are criticising her parenting then she will do anything she can to prove she is a good mum but if she is not able to then she will hide the fact.

[NorthernGirl]

One thing I forgot to mention is my ex wife tried to get my sons to change their name to her new husbands name. They where very confused as they didn't want to have a different name to their mum but didn't want to change it from my name.

DH's ex tried to convince SS20 (with special needs) to change his last name to her maiden name once DH and I married at few years ago. SS tested out the idea on his dad and I a few times, and we basically said "Hm, that's interesting" and asked what he thought. SS said he wanted to support his mom (and not make her mad) but that he liked his name the way it was. He also started to realize that she hadn't asked his brothers so he would be the only one changing his name.

In our case, the name change issue went away likely both because SS20 didn't like the idea and also because we didn't react much. It was interesting (and sad) that she only tried this with the son with special needs.

We've seen many issues in how DH's ex treats the son with special needs, but in her case she believes he is not capable of very much. In letters to his teachers, counsellors,mediators, etc. she says how difficult it is being a single mom to a "mentally handicapped" son. She quotes his IQ and any evaluations that point out what he can't do. But she seems unsure what to do with him so she doesn't do much of anything (he basically just watches TV at her place.)

So even though what your ex is saying seems the opposite of DH's ex, they may have the same issue. They aren't coping very well with parenting a special need child so their reaction is to fight whatever their ex husbands says.

[Whichwayisup]

Good advise all along. I need to learn to disengage and focus on what I can control, my relation with the kids. I think that my ex is just angry at my request to change custody. She isn't taking care of their Special Needs... .

... .and that she is doing a great job but you would like to help more.

Even if you don't think she is doing a great job this may make her more willing to let you get involved with the children more... .

My 2 cents for what its worth;

I feel very uncomfortable with advising a response that she is doing a great job if the reality for you is that she is not... .Sure this could even be a short term pick me up solution but in the longer term could be used against you... .How can you re-address the matter if she has it evidenced you said how great she was doing?... .If she isn't, probably better not to say it as it creates doubt and confusion where there needn't be any.

An alternative might be to validate how hard you can see she is trying? I would suggest maybe validation of her effort rather than alluding to results and success if there aren't any.

Regards,

Whichwayisup

[enlighten me]

Ok maybe a poor choice of words but I hope you can see what I am getting at. By criticising her parenting then you force things underground. My ex wife told my children to keep secrets from me as she thought I would criticise her parenting.

By validating her and appreciating she was doing a good job in difficult circumstances then she was more agreeable to my input.

Yes it may get thrown back in your face at a later date but anything that can be seen as a negative will cause them to dig their heals in and shut you out. At the end of the day its the children that are the priority and if I have to tell my ex wife that's shes the most wonderful person on the planet so that I can keep a better eye on the kids then I will.

[Whichwayisup]

Hi Enlighten me,

I certainly see what you are aiming at; I like to think that disordered people are as individual as 'normal' people... .Only those closest might know what extent will be appropriate in a given situation.  I am aware that whether my own children are explicitly told to keep secrets or not there are also implicit bonds at work and they may feel under pressure to do so and it's very difficult I even know when this is occurring.

We are all learning , I'm currently returning to court and wary that me approving of her abilities would not assist me in furthering the care of the children in the longer term. Validating the emotion rather than the act is important.

Regards,

Whichwayisup

[enlighten me]

Hi WWU

I wish you luck in your court case.

I can understand your concern of giving her ammunition.

Like you said everyone is different so they can be handled differently. I realised before even hearing about BPD that placating her and her fears of being judged a bad parent would make her ease up and let me have more access to the kids.

It might be worthwhile throwing her a bone by saying something like. It must be tiring for you how about I have the kids so you can go pamper yourself.

That way you've made it look as if she is working hard and you think she deserves pampering. You've made it about her without criticising her.

Just a thought.

Then again who am I to give advice on women my last two where disasters  

[trying2coparent]

My 2 cents for what its worth;

I feel very uncomfortable with advising a response that she is doing a great job if the reality for you is that she is not... .Sure this could even be a short term pick me up solution but in the longer term could be used against you... .How can you re-address the matter if she has it evidenced you said how great she was doing?... .If she isn't, probably better not to say it as it creates doubt and confusion where there needn't be any.

An alternative might be to validate how hard you can see she is trying? I would suggest maybe validation of her effort rather than alluding to results and success if there aren't any.

Regards,

Whichwayisup

Absolutely agree with you 100%. It is hard to validate she is doing a good job when she isn't following on the kids special needs, is calling me crazy for getting them serviced in Special Ed (despite over a dozen experts saying the kids need it), lagging on the homework front (I have them for just 2 hours on homework nights and did 60% of the HW last year), and there are many things more to say (but I just keep my mouth shut). This was the first week of school and she already overslept on Wednesday. I ask her what's up, why didn't she notify me and got the standard "it's non of your business, FU" response, sigh. I offered to help (meaning future heal), then she called me a fool as it already happen and there is nothing to do. Damn, it is frustrating dealing with her.

[Bellerphon]

My ex-BPDw is already dating again and is trying to forge the "brady bunch" fusion. The poor clown has no idea what is about to hit him. They are still in the honeymoon phase of engagement. I am however deeply concerned about this very subject with my young kids, who i have custody of.

I am very assertive that "I am their father". This is after the ex tried to tell me that they were not mine, genetic testing shared they were mine.

after reading some of these posts I have a knot in my stomach. It is in my opinion very unhealthy to have this imposed on children.

B

[Whichwayisup]

Regarding my advice on validating the emotion can even turn out unexpectedly... .My recent court case included me trying to validate how difficult things have been for uBPDxw only for her official response to the judge "I'll have to think about that when I get home" ; no reciprocation, no acknowledgement, no decency, no compassion.

It is truly sick what they do to the children, no two ways about it but the best I think we can hope for is that they focus their energies on hooking their new interests, you are spot on bellerphon, the poor clown has no idea, just as we didn't, so it continues with the exception that we are in a position to identify how to avoid in future

Regards,

Whichwayisup