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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Weird visit at work and fb message.  (Read 468 times)
christoff522
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« on: August 24, 2014, 07:41:46 PM »

K guys, I've been away for a while because I was seemingly doing quite well. I guess I am actually.

Anyway, I haven't spoke to my uBPDx in about 25 days. Last thing I did was about 10 days where I liked something on her karaoke page. Since then I decided to I was pretty much over her and ready for someone else.

Today I got up, was in a pretty bad mood, I had to go to work at 6pm and I would have liked to just have the day off, It had been my birthday Saturday and I had to work that too, so I was kinda frazzled. Anyway at half 2 I got a call from work asking me come in early, this tipped me over the edge Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Anyway I went to work at 4 somewhat bedraggled, but I quickly cheered up after a nice glass of coke.

I chatted a lot of girls up, got a nice smile on my face, then about 9pm in comes the uBPDx!  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

For a moment i questioned my sanity, as I haven't seen her in person for about 4 months, then I started to feel my heart pounding, I go dizzy, light-headed... I want to run. My boss (also a good friend who knows everything) comes accross with a shocked look on his face. I'm like Get me the f*** off the till. But sadly it wasn't possible for me to come off.

I feel exactly as I felt the last time I saw her, I start whistling a song I like to keep focus, and eventually I serve her and her mother. I act as though I don't know her, and her mother seemed oblivious to who I was (we never met). the thing is, she was dressed how she knows I like her, she looked like the old girl again. Her eyes were like saucers. Honestly I was completely in shock for a good hour after.

Anyway my boss predicted that I would get a message off her, I actually said I wouldn't - I couldn't see it.

But I did:

Here's the essence of what she sent.

She basically said she "only" unblocked me on facebook because she wanted to wish me happy birthday. She didn't want to say anything when she visited me at work (she only asked me if i was alright). She was tempted to text me on my birthday, but doesn't have my number because she's had a new phone - same number.

She then sent me birthday emoticons.

I never replied, in fact I'm dumbfounded that she even came into my place of work. How can she just vanish and call me a creep and a stalker, treat me like sh** and then come popping in to buy stuff and THEN make out like she remembered it was my birthday. What, was this some sort of treat for me? My body treats her like a threat to my very existence. All I could think of was of getting away from her. At a safe distance I am able to think better and more clearly and I just think to myself that she conveniently unblocks me to see a status of me saying thanks for the birthday messages - and then she messages me. Maybe she's just got so lonely now she's appealling to me for attention.

At my lack of reply she sent "Guess your not going replay , ok goodnight"

I bet she hasn't even had a new phone, I just don't even know what to think or believe. I don't know how she lives, exists, or even functions. Why can't she just leave me alone? Why did she have to come in today? Why did she have to message me?

I was doing okay, I really was, I had a bad day today, but overall I was doing fine.

I she going to keep coming in? I can't stop her coming in my shop, but if this is going to be her new thing, I need to be prepared. Men of experience please let me know what happened to you.
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AG
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2014, 08:18:51 PM »

I don't have experience with a BPD ex doing this type of thing but I have had another ex do the same exact thing. As for my BPD ex she is more on the low functioning side so she does more ridiculous stuff like calling from an app and when I pick up just stays silent while I say hello a couple of times and then I hang up. She recently has called my job also from a blocked number and did the same exact thing. Can't prove it was her but I basically know. It is not coincidence that she came into your job thats all I know. These BPD people all seem to share similarities but somehow are different but I doubt this will be the last of her. Hopefully for your sanity it is. You just rejected her basically it will make her want you more if it is my guess and she'll try to change up the tactics again and keep trying and trying until she tires herself out of it and then go elsewhere for whatever it is shes seeking. I don't have a game plan for you bro except remembering the feeling she gave you and trust it and keep ignoring her. Even if she tries again she'll go away. It seems like these people have no rules to what they might do. I thought my backstory was outrageous but there are others on here that keep shocking me more and more. On the bright side you said it yourself you were doing ok before. So it is safe to say you'll be ok again. I like when people post that they are doing better on here it gives me hope. Hopefully this poison stays away from you for good man. Im sorry you witnessed this nonsense. Just ignore her and just hope she doesnt come back to your job. You can also just tell her if she does it again that her coming there makes you uncomfortable and can she respect your place of work and never come there again.
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tired-of-it-all
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« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2014, 09:22:04 PM »

This is the kind of ___ that they do.  She wore the outfit for you but she has also worn it for  many others.  It is all to either reel you back in or at least f**k with your head.  I know it is hard but just ignore her.  She will eventually go away.  When she sees that she isn't having an effect on you, she will move on to the next victim.

These people are crazy and you cannot deal with crazy.
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christoff522
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« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2014, 06:08:43 AM »

Thanka you guys. I did reply and had a conversation for a couple of minutes. Basically she is trying to be all friendly now. She even said she would've bought me a card but "we're not exactly on good terms here hehe". Needless to say, I've been friendly but distant. I went to bed, said goodnight,  she tells me (at 230am) that she just got in. I wonder what she'll do today.

Again thank you guys. I just needed someone who understands this crazy
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catnap
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« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2014, 08:24:31 AM »

Make sure she is blocked from your FB.

You did well when she came into the shop.  You are very fortunate that your boss is aware of the situation.  If she comes in again, act as though you would any other customer.  If she brings up anything personal--ignore.  Just keep doing your job. 
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« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2014, 09:43:30 AM »

Thanka you guys. I did reply and had a conversation for a couple of minutes

Of course you did... you knew you was going to when you started this thread 

I think you're more excited about her contacting you than you are letting on.

Dont do it buddy... we have all recycled and crashed a burned in some way. Delete those messages and be strong. It will do your self esteem some good.




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christoff522
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« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2014, 10:18:08 AM »

I seem to be unable to recycle anyway, It's been attempted before and crashed and burned. This is the first time that she (evidently lonely and without anyone else) has popped up in my life like this, evidently she's been thinking about it for a while however, and due to it being my birthday saw it as an opportunity to get back in. I know someone said block her, that would be a weak move on my part and give her the ego boost she desires. I'm just gonna LC it, We haven't spoken today, she hasn't spoke to me and I have ZERO intention of starting a conversation.

I am indeed excited that she messaged, its bittersweet and I've felt "off" all day because of it. I've also discovered another BPD in my life - which I'd suspected for a while but today confirmed.

I'm gonna say this, I'm good... I can see that I have a spark of confidence in me that thanks to this forum, and thanks to a "don juan" forum I'm able to say hey... I'm gonna be okay.

It's also nice knowing that whilst L (my BPDx) is utterly crazy, it's nice knowing that she will pop up from time to time. Sadly one day she'll pop up and I'll have a girlfriend...
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« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2014, 10:26:07 AM »

I seem to be unable to recycle anyway, It's been attempted before and crashed and burned. This is the first time that she (evidently lonely and without anyone else) has popped up in my life like this, evidently she's been thinking about it for a while however, and due to it being my birthday saw it as an opportunity to get back in. I know someone said block her, that would be a weak move on my part and give her the ego boost she desires. I'm just gonna LC it, We haven't spoken today, she hasn't spoke to me and I have ZERO intention of starting a conversation.

I am indeed excited that she messaged, its bittersweet and I've felt "off" all day because of it. I've also discovered another BPD in my life - which I'd suspected for a while but today confirmed.

I'm gonna say this, I'm good... I can see that I have a spark of confidence in me that thanks to this forum, and thanks to a "don juan" forum I'm able to say hey... I'm gonna be okay.

It's also nice knowing that whilst L (my BPDx) is utterly crazy, it's nice knowing that she will pop up from time to time. Sadly one day she'll pop up and I'll have a girlfriend...

What I would do in this situation is send her a message saying that although there are no hard feelings from your end you feel it would be best not to make contact with each other from this point on. Wish her well and say your goodbyes.

Its so tempting to reply as deep down you think she is reconnecting so you guys can eventually give it another chance but she's not. She is lonely at the moment and she needs you again for an ego boost.

You are obviously not over this girl as she caused such an emotional reaction while you were at work. In this head space you will both start talking again and it wont be long until she says something that causes an argument and you are back to square one.

You wont listen to this advise of course and neither did I when my ex ex started texting me again. It all ended badly and I had to start from the beginning.

Good luck buddy.



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christoff522
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« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2014, 11:10:21 AM »

I seem to be unable to recycle anyway, It's been attempted before and crashed and burned. This is the first time that she (evidently lonely and without anyone else) has popped up in my life like this, evidently she's been thinking about it for a while however, and due to it being my birthday saw it as an opportunity to get back in. I know someone said block her, that would be a weak move on my part and give her the ego boost she desires. I'm just gonna LC it, We haven't spoken today, she hasn't spoke to me and I have ZERO intention of starting a conversation.

I am indeed excited that she messaged, its bittersweet and I've felt "off" all day because of it. I've also discovered another BPD in my life - which I'd suspected for a while but today confirmed.

I'm gonna say this, I'm good... I can see that I have a spark of confidence in me that thanks to this forum, and thanks to a "don juan" forum I'm able to say hey... I'm gonna be okay.

It's also nice knowing that whilst L (my BPDx) is utterly crazy, it's nice knowing that she will pop up from time to time. Sadly one day she'll pop up and I'll have a girlfriend...

What I would do in this situation is send her a message saying that although there are no hard feelings from your end you feel it would be best not to make contact with each other from this point on. Wish her well and say your goodbyes.

Its so tempting to reply as deep down you think she is reconnecting so you guys can eventually give it another chance but she's not. She is lonely at the moment and she needs you again for an ego boost.

You are obviously not over this girl as she caused such an emotional reaction while you were at work. In this head space you will both start talking again and it wont be long until she says something that causes an argument and you are back to square one.

You wont listen to this advise of course and neither did I when my ex ex started texting me again. It all ended badly and I had to start from the beginning.

Good luck buddy.

Sir you are completely right, I will not listen to this advice, even though I most certainly should Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

However I will not be AFC about it, I need to have confidence and be Alpha, hence me not speaking to her since last night. I'll just see how it goes, I'm actually wondering if she even will message me again. Her final message to me last night was "You always did that xx" When I said goodnight when she was trying to talk to me. I like that she's lonely as well, I'm not, I've been a bit repressed of late (past few years) but I know that with a bit of confidence and some skills I could have any girl I want.

Thank you my friend for your advice.
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pieceofme
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« Reply #9 on: August 25, 2014, 12:54:07 PM »

At my lack of reply she sent "Guess your not going replay , ok goodnight"

this has become a typical response from my ex since he started his recycle attempts. if i don't reply in the way he deems appropriate or if i ignore him, i get the message you mentioned above, or "goodbye, [my name]." at first i thought it was a game, but i've come to realize it's indicative of their ability to instantly split us black. there's more of that to come if you give in to her.
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« Reply #10 on: August 25, 2014, 03:47:45 PM »

At my lack of reply she sent "Guess your not going replay , ok goodnight"

this has become a typical response from my ex since he started his recycle attempts. if i don't reply in the way he deems appropriate or if i ignore him, i get the message you mentioned above, or "goodbye, [my name]." at first i thought it was a game, but i've come to realize it's indicative of their ability to instantly split us black. there's more of that to come if you give in to her.

I must say that I dont think the above has anything to do with BPD. I think it is in peoples nature to reach out to an ex when feeling a little lonely. If they dont reply the way you want them to or they ignore you then you send a message saying goodbye then.

Its a reaction to a loss of power.





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christoff522
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« Reply #11 on: August 25, 2014, 07:55:35 PM »

rather than splitting us black, it's an attempt to garner sympathy and strain a reply out of us.

"aww poor girl/guy being ignored".

Yet if we try to talk to them when they're ignoring us we're hassling/stalking/harassing them.
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pieceofme
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« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2014, 08:13:55 PM »

yep. in that case, i usually get:

"you're annoying me"

"i'm turning off my phone"

"i'm busy! leave me alone!"
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christoff522
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« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2014, 06:37:54 PM »

Just a little update:

I didn't reply for two days. But today I gave her a crumb, I sent her two kisses. Nothing else, just two kisses.

Her reply was a blushing emoticon and a smiley face.

On another site she's put up a day ago a long diatribe about someone sleeping with her best friend (I'm guessing the guy is her ex cos she talks about being strong enough to tell him to f*** off). [Knowing that he doesn't use that site at all, my only guess is that its for me to see]

I'm guessing he's split black now (although who knows) and I'm back white. But I'm playing this a lot differently this time.

It absolutely amazes me though, a month ago I was a creep, and she wanted me to leave her alone... a fortnight before that she was (irrationally) saying she didn't want me to sabotage her chances at getting back with her ex. It just kinda leaves me 

But thats women for ya  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Taking it one day at a time, thinking strategically. The only real weapon she could have against me is my desire for her. If I keep that in check, spin some other plates... I'm good, at least for now.
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Infern0
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« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2014, 02:11:52 AM »

Why do you even want any contact at all man?

Sending her the kisses.

I don't get it, unless you are out for playing her? If that's the case be careful because you may think you are in control but you can't control your emotions and she will win in the end.
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« Reply #15 on: August 28, 2014, 03:08:44 AM »

On another site she's put up a day ago a long diatribe about someone sleeping with her best friend (I'm guessing the guy is her ex cos she talks about being strong enough to tell him to f*** off). [Knowing that he doesn't use that site at all, my only guess is that its for me to see]

BINGO!

This is the reason she is contacting you. This guy has bruised her ego very badly and she needs you to make her feel better. You will only be around long enough until she finds another. She is insecure.

Stay away from this dude.

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christoff522
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« Reply #16 on: August 28, 2014, 06:40:57 AM »

Why do you even want any contact at all man?

Sending her the kisses.

I don't get it, unless you are out for playing her? If that's the case be careful because you may think you are in control but you can't control your emotions and she will win in the end.

She's cute, wears braces, dresses well, is immature... is very pretty...

Like I say, spin plates... look elsewhere, don't focus too much on her... I'll just see how it goes.
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christoff522
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« Reply #17 on: August 28, 2014, 06:44:27 AM »

On another site she's put up a day ago a long diatribe about someone sleeping with her best friend (I'm guessing the guy is her ex cos she talks about being strong enough to tell him to f*** off). [Knowing that he doesn't use that site at all, my only guess is that its for me to see]

BINGO!

This is the reason she is contacting you. This guy has bruised her ego very badly and she needs you to make her feel better. You will only be around long enough until she finds another. She is insecure.

Stay away from this dude.

I don't know, this status thing came up AFTER she'd first contacted me, like 48 hours after. I think its more to get my attention than anything else, I don't even see how it's possible, her ex is pig ugly and her best friend is absolutely gorgeous so I can't see how that would work. It must be another 'best friend'.

Anyway, theres not exactly riveting chats going on, we haven't spoke in almost an entire day now... this is the fledgling stage. We're not even fb friends yet. It could go either way yet - depending on how I feel.

Oh and yes she is probably on the prowl for a new guy, I'm on the prowl for a new girl, so (Y) all is good.
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« Reply #18 on: August 28, 2014, 09:02:41 AM »

On another site she's put up a day ago a long diatribe about someone sleeping with her best friend (I'm guessing the guy is her ex cos she talks about being strong enough to tell him to f*** off). [Knowing that he doesn't use that site at all, my only guess is that its for me to see]

BINGO!

This is the reason she is contacting you. This guy has bruised her ego very badly and she needs you to make her feel better. You will only be around long enough until she finds another. She is insecure.

Stay away from this dude.

I don't know, this status thing came up AFTER she'd first contacted me, like 48 hours after. I think its more to get my attention than anything else, I don't even see how it's possible, her ex is pig ugly and her best friend is absolutely gorgeous so I can't see how that would work. It must be another 'best friend'.

Anyway, theres not exactly riveting chats going on, we haven't spoke in almost an entire day now... this is the fledgling stage. We're not even fb friends yet. It could go either way yet - depending on how I feel.

Oh and yes she is probably on the prowl for a new guy, I'm on the prowl for a new girl, so (Y) all is good.

If you aren't truly over her then you are going to read into every minor interaction as her making an effort to get back with you. It doesn't matter if you see her drive past in a bus. In the state you are in you will believe she did it to get you back.

This is why many members here go no contact. Even if it is an attempt at a recycle the relationship is doomed to fail.

I'm not sure if I heard this on here but a good quote I heard is:

Recycled paper = good

Recycled relationships = Bad









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rg1976
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« Reply #19 on: August 28, 2014, 10:42:48 PM »

Christoff522 - Dude, first of all, good to see another DJ forum member here too! I knew there was some membership crossover because so many men are completely decimated by these BPD girls.

Now, hopefully you've got a lot of plates spinning, and if you want to put this girl on the absolute bottom of the stack and make her sit there, then feel free... .But seriously, the most "alpha" thing you can do in this situation is start talking to her about how great your life is and all of the new women you've met and how great they are. Make it up if you have to. Write it out: There's Amanda, Kimberly, Megan, Jill... 5 or 6 women will do.  Don't always answer her calls. Tell her you're just too busy. If she wants to see you then it will have to be scheduled.

The only way to deal with her is to do it on your terms, not hers. If you play it right, you'll see her once or twice a month for a session, and then send her packing. For God's sake wear protection because she's going to be getting it from other places when she's lonely and not with you.

Keep yourself detached, and seriously, please try to increase the quality of your plates until you don't consider a mentally ill woman worth your time.  I'm still trying at that one. She is just too much entertainment!
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Chasing_Ghosts
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« Reply #20 on: August 28, 2014, 11:55:02 PM »

Youre treading in dangerous waters my friend. Take it from someone who just got recycled. Its not worth it. I thought i could do what youre doing and it worked... for s while until i entered her fog again and all the feelings came rushing back eventually. Youre going to hurt even worse the second time around.(I didnt think it was possible either)

Im a member on DJ too and if im not mistaken most members state that sosauve tactics dont work on BPDs for the sole reason theyre not NORMAL women... theyre DISORDERED. The disorder will win out every time. They play by different rules and operate in a different reality. That new found "confidence" you have (I had that too) will be all but crushed... oh shell make sure of that. AFC or Alpha aside neither matter as you'd have to be a complete narcissist/sociopath get the upper hand on her.(this is coming from a diagnosed NPD who still failed)

What rg1976 is telling you may work for a while but the second youre vulnerable or show any weakness(aka feelings or emotion) she will strike. From what i can tell you still have some attachment for this girl (or you wouldnt be excited this girl is going to be in and out of youre life) so its only a matter of time. I dont think anyone can keep this act up forever.(nor should they want to as its only human to have those two things i stated earlier)

That feeling you get when you saw her at work is your body responding to a fight or flight response as it sees her as a threat to your survival.(Same thing happened to me when she came back around I was literally shaking from the adrenaline.) One cant simply "spin" the BPD ex as a plate... she will spin you. Youve been warned. Proceed at your own risk.

Best of luck to ya mate.

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rg1976
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« Reply #21 on: August 29, 2014, 12:18:13 AM »

In all seriousness, the point of my earlier post was: Do everything you can to not get sucked back in! I wasn't trying to encourage you to see her, it was in fact the opposite.

Please do be careful. I would like to know how this plays out. Hopefully will block her on the phone and ignore all Facebook communication attempts. You will feel MUCH better if you manage to let her go completely.  I promise.

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Infern0
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« Reply #22 on: August 29, 2014, 01:39:42 AM »

Imo only the sociopath can trump the BPD.

It doesn't matter how hard you try to,  you will Crack at some stage and be right back to square one.

Best thing to do is move on and never look back.

If for some reason you NEED to do this, then for God's sakes get in and get out FAST.  The second you begin interaction the clock will be ticking.  Speed is your best ally here. In and out in the fastest time possible. And keep interaction to an absolute minimum.

She contacts you, tell her to come over,  ___ her then throw her out. You deal only in orders now. She follows your orders or she's out.
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Vexed
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« Reply #23 on: August 29, 2014, 01:55:39 AM »

Sorry Chris,  you're playing a game you can't win.  I keep playing it too though.
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« Reply #24 on: August 29, 2014, 03:19:44 AM »

Jokes aside I know how hard it is to do and I am completely guilty of it myself.

It all just goes so bad and you wish they had never come back into your life (my nonBPD)
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christoff522
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« Reply #25 on: August 29, 2014, 11:27:55 AM »

You know what, you're all right. It won't work. Shes just being a little attention wh*re. Im going to block her right now.
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