D2 Has Great Boundaries With Her Mom Already

[Turkish]

I spent some time with the kids today, which is their mom's weekend. After church (where she doesn't come on my weekends), she asked me if I wanted to go to the circus, or a movie. I opted for the movie (sat away from her, no talking). She tried this pretending we were still together thing for the kids right away when she moved out. I was still very angry, so I put up boundaries. I'm less angry now, more into acceptance.

She told me S4 keeps asking me to come to her apartment, or her to my house. He asks me the same thing. BPD traits aside, I imagine this is common with kids after divorces. I'm not exactly sure how much of this is healthy for the kids... .

She told me that the other day, they were running late in the morning, and D2 insisted on buckling herself into her car seat. Their mom got mad at her. She said our daughter held up her finger and said, "time out Mommy!" Their mom said she looked over at S4- whom she said looked horrified that his sister would say that (he's been the target of her anger more---- that she said that told me there is more going on than the one rage incident she told me about a few weeks ago). It actually centered their mom and calmed her down. She used to tell me to say "knock it off!" To her when she got angry, but I couldn't bring myself to treat her like a child... .plus I was triggered to be avoidant due to my BPD mom. I replied, "wow, D2 has better boundaries than any of us." She's not even two and a half yet. It's funny, but also sad in a way.

[trying2coparent]

That's too cute, sad, but cute.

Regarding the ex saying "why don't you come back or move back," continue to set your boundaries. My ex plays the same game after every time she gets dumped. She even brings the kids around. I just talk to the kids and tell them we are not getting back together. I remind them I love them and keep it that way. Never talk bad about their mother, they'll grow up to understand her antics. However, do set boundaries. Send her an email asking her to stop telling the kids you should get back together. If it persist, do so in a certified letter (short and sweat, readable in 15 seconds). Document everything.

[Turkish]

That's too cute, sad, but cute.

Regarding the ex saying "why don't you come back or move back," continue to set your boundaries. My ex plays the same game after every time she gets dumped. She even brings the kids around. I just talk to the kids and tell them we are not getting back together. I remind them I love them and keep it that way. Never talk bad about their mother, they'll grow up to understand her antics. However, do set boundaries. Send her an email asking her to stop telling the kids you should get back together. If it persist, do so in a certified letter (short and sweat, readable in 15 seconds). Document everything.

I don't think this is a recycle, but she not handling the kids wanting us to hang out more. I have an appointment with the T to get some insight on how to best respond to the kids (and possibly their mom). The last time I started more dialog, after she got angry S4 peed his pants, spanked him, felt guilty, got depressed and called me about it. Had a conversation on parentification, which she responded positively to (or at least she realized she might be doing the same thing her mom did and still does to her: a parent making a child responsible for an adult's feeling). I felt badly and let her hang out with us for a few hours at the park on my weekend. She started the nightly "how are the kids?" texts. I told her I wasn't going to answer them anymore the second night she did it, so she stopped. Boundaries are all about us.

[DreamGirl]

She tried this pretending we were still together thing for the kids right away when she moved out. I was still very angry, so I put up boundaries.

Anger shouldn't really be a reason for boundaries. 

What are your boundaries in this?

What was the boundary that your daughter was enforcing? That she could do it herself? Is that pretty normal for a two year old --- BPD mom or not?

I know you worry a lot about how their mama will affect them. Is that why you stay so involved with her and her parenting?

[Turkish]

She tried this pretending we were still together thing for the kids right away when she moved out. I was still very angry, so I put up boundaries.

Anger shouldn't really be a reason for boundaries.  

Well, to not rehash Leaving stuff, I did that so we could live together with little conflict. I didn't want to trigger her by saying what I really wanted to say, so I kept it all business. It was successful in that regard, but that's the past... .

What are your boundaries in this?

What was the boundary that your daughter was enforcing? That she could do it herself? Is that pretty normal for a two year old --- BPD mom or not?

Our D stands up to her (to everybody, really, we noticed the difference in her assertiveness when she was 1), whereas S4 doesn't. My D has never put me on a time out (other than as a joke when we are laughing about something), and I tell her no often. I think our daughter will handle her better later. S, maybe not so much. He's a people pleaser like me, though he lacks the emotional control I had at that age. I grew up with a BPD mom (I found out just a month ago when my mom told me that her T suggested 20 years ago that my mom might be BPD, but didn't give her an official dX). Based upon this... .

I know you worry a lot about how their mama will affect them.

... .I may be bringing my own triggers into this, knowing a bit how things will change as he gets older with a woman who has issues with me. Their mom told my T before she quit going, "I don't trust men."  

Is that why you stay so involved with her and her parenting?

I'm trying to not be involved. I never call her or text her when she has the kids. I didn't even check in with them when she took the kids for a week out of state on vacation. Their mom checked in with me, and called me one day when she thought D2 was listless and a bit down because she missed me. She shows up at church almost every Sunday she has them, where I never asked her to. She asks me to go do stuff with them; whereas, I only asked her once (the week of the spanking incident when she called me to talk about it). I'm still feeling this out.

Had a session with the T today to talk about some of this. His opinion is that if I feel ok, then it's fine to spend time now and then as long as the kids don't see conflict between us, or one of us is putting down the other parent in front of the kids. I may need to be a bit more direct (age appropriately) to S4 to let him know that we are divorced and she has her place and I have mine.

For what it's worth, I think most of this is pretty normal divorce stuff. The only BPD components are her easily triggered depression and inappropriate anger. I think as long as we're not living together, and don't spend much time, it will be fine. Winter and her SAD symptoms are approaching though... .