She tried this pretending we were still together thing for the kids right away when she moved out. I was still very angry, so I put up boundaries.
Anger shouldn't really be a reason for boundaries.
Well, to not rehash Leaving stuff, I did that so we could live together with little conflict. I didn't want to trigger her by saying what I really wanted to say, so I kept it all business. It was successful in that regard, but that's the past... .
What are your boundaries in this?
What was the boundary that your daughter was enforcing? That she could do it herself? Is that pretty normal for a two year old --- BPD mom or not?
Our D stands up to her (to everybody, really, we noticed the difference in her assertiveness when she was 1), whereas S4 doesn't. My D has never put me on a time out (other than as a joke when we are laughing about something), and I tell her no often. I think our daughter will handle her better later. S, maybe not so much. He's a people pleaser like me, though he lacks the emotional control I had at that age. I grew up with a BPD mom (I found out just a month ago when my mom told me that her T suggested 20 years ago that my mom might be BPD, but didn't give her an official dX). Based upon this... .
I know you worry a lot about how their mama will affect them.
... .I may be bringing my own triggers into this, knowing a bit how things will change as he gets older with a woman who has issues with me. Their mom told my T before she quit going, "I don't trust men."
Is that why you stay so involved with her and her parenting?
I'm trying to not be involved. I never call her or text her when she has the kids. I didn't even check in with them when she took the kids for a week out of state on vacation. Their mom checked in with me, and called me one day when she thought D2 was listless and a bit down because she missed me. She shows up at church almost every Sunday she has them, where I never asked her to. She asks me to go do stuff with them; whereas, I only asked her once (the week of the spanking incident when she called me to talk about it). I'm still feeling this out.
Had a session with the T today to talk about some of this. His opinion is that if I feel ok, then it's fine to spend time now and then as long as the kids don't see conflict between us, or one of us is putting down the other parent in front of the kids. I may need to be a bit more direct (age appropriately) to S4 to let him know that we are divorced and she has her place and I have mine.
For what it's worth, I think most of this is pretty normal divorce stuff. The only BPD components are her easily triggered depression and inappropriate anger. I think as long as we're not living together, and don't spend much time, it will be fine. Winter and her SAD symptoms are approaching though... .