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Author Topic: What about MY needs?  (Read 464 times)
Robins0n

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« on: August 26, 2014, 09:05:35 AM »

Hi All,

I have a pretty good handle on the rage episodes now. What has worked for weeks now is basically validating her feelings when an episode gets triggered (either by me or somebody else) and avoiding triggering behaviours myself. After these few weeks without meltdowns, I'm happy to report that our family environment is much safer for the kids and myself.

Maybe I'm selfish or needy, but why isn't that enough for a while? Why do I feel so incredibly lonely and sad? As soon as I set foot in our house after work I'm pretty much a maid and nurse. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, packing lunches, priority house repairs - when I'm done with that, I get handed the infant child to give her a break (she's currently on mat leave). At night, I will sleep in the same bed as her and the baby, not on the couch or with ear plugs, because I know that would trigger an episode. Needless to say, I don't get very much sleep before it's time to wake up for work, make breakfast for the toddler and get her ready for and taking her to school while I let Mom and baby sleep. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the work or the lack of sleep at all. That's not it. But there's never a kind word, a compliment, a hug, a touch, anything... .just anger when I don't appear to be doing the best I possibly can to help and be there for her.

We went for dinner with friends the other day and midway through the evening, the other wife said to me: "Wow, you're so good with your kids.". I cannot describe how good that felt. I'm not gonna lie - I teared up for a second - that's how much I'm longing for some appreciation and kindness these days. I don't receive any at home. No matter how much I do to keep it all together. What I receive immediately when it happens though is complains when I'm less than perfect. It's exhausting to be perfect with seemingly nothing in return. Is this my life now - Keeping the peace?

And you know what else? Sex. Yes, I said it. Sex. What about intimacy? I'm a guy. We're literally 'filling up' like a barrel under a water spout until it flows over. I'm so embarrassed that I have to take care of that problem 'single handedly' in order to not total my car every time I see a short skirt on the sidewalk.

So, I guess my question is, how do you guys deal with the lack of appreciation and intimacy, the one-sidedness of dealing with a spouse's BPD? How do you stay happy? How do you not feel like you're coming home from work only to begin your other job: catering to everyone's needs but your own?

Sorry for this rant-ish post. I'm just so sick of being sad all the time lately. Thanks guys.
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Vindi
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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2014, 09:53:42 AM »

you seem to do alot... .I think YOU need time to take out more for yourself! your post said it... .YOUR needs... .why not just once a week do something that you enjoy doing... .a hobby, exercise, a movie whatever it may be... .take time for you. You could be getting lost in the relationship, trying to fix everything, do everything etc... .and you are losing "you" in the process.

As for the sex and intimacy, you need to talk to her about this, what she wants what she doesn't want... .and also what YOU want... .and try to come to peaceful agreement. Was there alot of love an intimacy in the past few years? or has it faded with the recent newborn?

Why do you feel sad and lonely? do you think you are doing too much for the household?

Please keep posting, it helps!
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maxsterling
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2014, 11:25:07 AM »

Wow.  I can relate to 95% of this, especially the way you feel.  The main difference is in my situation, I do get some kind thank yous and appreciation, and that helps me keep going.  The problem is, those thank yous are just words, and they only stick with me as long as the next criticism.  The other night, I cooked dinner (as always), cleaned up (as always), did things to help make her life easier (as always), and she got stressed out trying to buy plane tickets, and complained that she always has to do everything.  ? Yeah, she thanked me for the other stuff, but the moment she complained was so invalidating - considering how exhausted I felt. 

And like you, the raging and screaming has been absent for awhile.  She's actually positive half of the time now.  I see progress.  Yet, I feel EXHAUSTED, and I know that without change I will completely burn out.  I'm hoping that with continued progress on her end, things will get easier.  But right now, I fear any possibility of ever having kids with her.  I just don't know how we would do it. 

I cope by using free moments to do things to relax myself.  I took last Friday off work just for self-care.  I went for a long bike ride and worked on hobbies.  I may do the same this Friday.  And, she leaves for work an hour and a half before me.  That's time enough to go for a short walk and enjoy the morning.
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Robins0n

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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2014, 01:11:47 PM »

Thanks Vindi & maxsterling.

Time for myself is not an option currently. Everything revolved around her needs even before children, but back then and for a while after the 1st one, I was able to escape every once in a while from this hell hole and meet up with a friend. This was always met with GREAT disapproval though and long talks after. Now with the 2nd child, it became much easier for her to isolate me. I can't leave her alone with the 2 kids. And yes, I should communicate my needs and set boundaries but I can't for one simple reason: when I'm not home, who gets to suffer from her ridiculous tirades? The kids. And I will not let this happen in my lifetime. My children's well being is the sole reason I'm even posting in the 'stay' forum. Sad but true.

So, there's no me-time and there's no appreciation, kindness or intimacy at home. Like so many people on here (and many are far worse off than me) - I'm literally being held captive.

To your question about intimacy. Yes, of course that was not an issue before we tied the knot. Same story every time it seems. I wish I knew what I know now before we had children.
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Robins0n

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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2014, 01:22:12 PM »

maxsterling - exactly. Your examples could've been from my home. All the worries of the world are constantly on her shoulders, she has the most difficult life of everyone we know - while I'm literally running the household for us now that the 2nd child has arrived. Which is fine with me, but having to listen to the constant complaining while the sweat is dripping from my forehead, paired with the lack of appreciation etc. is so unbelievably absurd sometimes!

Now, without the option of an escape every once in a while, I'm having trouble finding joy in life. The children give me tremendous joy but that is not a long term solution as I'm supposed to be there for them not the other way around. It's so pathetic that I'm actually looking forward to my commute as this is the only time I'm neither at work nor at home with her.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2014, 01:29:43 PM »

So, there's no me-time and there's no appreciation, kindness or intimacy at home. Like so many people on here (and many are far worse off than me) - I'm literally being held captive.

To your question about intimacy. Yes, of course that was not an issue before we tied the knot. Same story every time it seems. I wish I knew what I know now before we had children.

I don't have any answers or suggestions. Just wanted to say that I know what you mean. There have been so many times that I have felt like a prisoner in my own home. Until recently, I couldn't go out at all or I would be bombarded with phone calls. At one point, my dad stepped in and gave me the money to go away for a week. My youngest was 4 and my oldest was 12. I did a lot of prepping with the kids and my dad assured me that if there were any problems, he would help out. It was so eye opening for me. I have since gotten a part time job outside of the house. It has been a struggle at times because there are a lot of times when I come home to things being crazy. I try to make sure that everyone has everything that they need to make it easier on everyone.

As far as physical intimacy goes, the same thing happened here. Before we got married, everything was fine. The awkward or non-existence physical intimacy began on our wedding night.
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Robins0n

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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2014, 03:29:57 PM »

Thanks vortex!

It's exhausting to be 'the caretaker'. The only joy I get from it is that I now seem to be able to stop the rage in its tracks and not have our children exposed to the corresponding extreme behavior directed towards me. This is a great accomplishment. I'm aware of that but that alone doesn't seem to protect me from slowly burning out. And I need to keep it together for the kids! I absolutely have to function because the kids are young and my wife needs frequent care.

I wish I had something to look forward to, every once in a while. Isn't it crazy that weekends seem more stressful than work days and I subsequently hate Fridays? what the heck has to go wrong that someone dreads Fridays?

I need to find a way to make myself happy enough to continue to successfully sacrifice my life for my children. This is not meant to sound cynical. I'm serious. My life goals have certainly changed being with a BPD wife...

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2014, 05:19:13 PM »

I wish I had something to look forward to, every once in a while. Isn't it crazy that weekends seem more stressful than work days and I subsequently hate Fridays? what the heck has to go wrong that someone dreads Fridays?

Oh my, I can so relate to you there. When things were at there worst, the kids and I would look forward to Mondays. For a while, the kids made it a point to be asleep in the evenings when he got home from work so they wouldn't have to deal with him.

Excerpt
I need to find a way to make myself happy enough to continue to successfully sacrifice my life for my children. This is not meant to sound cynical. I'm serious. My life goals have certainly changed being with a BPD wife...

It really, really helps if you can see it as a choice rather than a sacrifice. When I felt like it was a sacrifice, I was becoming angry and bitter and resentful. If you can find a way to make it a conscious choice rather than a sacrifice, it will help tremendously.

Also, are there any fun things that you can plan with just you and the kids? When I got my second part time job, I opened up a bank account that is just mine. I use that money to do little things like splurge on stuff for me and the kids. My other check goes into the joint checking account for bills. So, having some side money to do little bitty things with helps and it gives me a greater sense of freedom. Oh, something else that I have been working on is finding little things to do around the house to make me feel better. I finally got around to putting a small flower bed in the yard. I had been wanting to do that for years but was too tired or didn't have the money. Is there any way at all that you can get a babysitter to take care of the kids so you can get a little bit of time to yourself? Would it be possible to do something like join a gym that has childcare on premises? Just throwing out some ideas as I know how it feels when you feel like the world is going to swallow you because it feels like there is no way out.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2014, 05:43:36 PM »

I wish I had something to look forward to, every once in a while. Isn't it crazy that weekends seem more stressful than work days and I subsequently hate Fridays? what the heck has to go wrong that someone dreads Fridays?

Oh boy, I can completely relate!  I'm one who has dreaded weekends, and looked forward to Monday.  For awhile, every weekend was the same.  Me working all week, she sitting at home watching TV.  Saturday rolls around, and I want to work on my "to do" list of household chores so that I don't stress about being so far behind.   She would be the opposite - "I've been so lonely all week and now Max is home for two days!"  So, she would want to do things with me, and I would get nothing done, and my to-do list would grow longer.  It would be so bad that if I told her I needed to go outside and mow the lawn, she would pout, make some kind of  "oh I see, you don't like spending time with me/I'm so lonely and don't know what to do with myself" guilt-tripping comment.  And when I would go outside and work on things, she would wander out after 15 minutes and call to me because she had something "urgent" that she needed help with, or sometimes just asking me where I was.  While things have improved significantly, weekends are still rough and unproductive.  I want to get her to understand we would have much more time for "couples" activities if she would share in the household chores and do things separate from each other (such as shopping).
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Robins0n

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« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2014, 08:31:20 PM »

Thanks vortex. You're right, 'sacrifice' is a poor choice of words. It IS a choice indeed. Makes me feel, I got some control back after all that has happened. I know deep inside that I would even stay if I woke up with a knife in my back for the sole reason that I cannot risk losing our children to her (worst case scenario next to joined custody). If I check out, there's a chance that they will at the very minimum have to spend time with her separately and be exposed to her illness unfiltered. In addition, I expect her to tell them all sorts of lies about me, at least for a while, due to her pain caused by me leaving her (the ultimate abandonment). I'm not willing to take the risk of getting anything but sole custody. Weird enough, this choice makes me feel powerful even in the darkest of hours.

Your tip with the gym is GOLDEN! I just checked the kids club hours of my local gym and that would actually be an option, at least on the weekends. AWESOME! Thank you!

Thanks max. 'I can relate' to what you wrote about your weekends would be an understatement. You precisely described our weekends. Bang on! The wandering out after 15mins when I'm doing something around the house - unbelievable how similar our situations are? The repairs around the house, mowing the lawn, etc. - she makes me feel that she's doing me a favour letting me do all of this. It's so absurd that it's almost funny. What I do on weekends is this: shopping together with her, hosting get-togethers with her friends (food, dishes, clean-up) and if I'm really really lucky I get to mow the lawn or can sneak out with my toddler to a home improvement store and pick up some tools/materials that never get used anyway ;o) Unproductive describes my weekends to the t. As long as I get to spend some quality time with the kids though I'm happy. Their joy in doing things like comparing sizes of worms in the garden soil - things like that make me carry on.
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ColdEthyl
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Relationship status: Married 2 years
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« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2014, 11:20:07 PM »

So, there's no me-time and there's no appreciation, kindness or intimacy at home. Like so many people on here (and many are far worse off than me) - I'm literally being held captive.

To your question about intimacy. Yes, of course that was not an issue before we tied the knot. Same story every time it seems. I wish I knew what I know now before we had children.

I don't have any answers or suggestions. Just wanted to say that I know what you mean. There have been so many times that I have felt like a prisoner in my own home. Until recently, I couldn't go out at all or I would be bombarded with phone calls. At one point, my dad stepped in and gave me the money to go away for a week. My youngest was 4 and my oldest was 12. I did a lot of prepping with the kids and my dad assured me that if there were any problems, he would help out. It was so eye opening for me. I have since gotten a part time job outside of the house. It has been a struggle at times because there are a lot of times when I come home to things being crazy. I try to make sure that everyone has everything that they need to make it easier on everyone.

As far as physical intimacy goes, the same thing happened here. Before we got married, everything was fine. The awkward or non-existence physical intimacy began on our wedding night.

Same here on all accounts. Intimacy issues started shortly before our marriage, and I'm sad to say in the past 10 months there's been nothing. He says he has impenitent issues, which if true, I'd never hold it against him... .however I think it's more mental. It's gotten to the point to where it's awkward. He says if I was more aggressive, he would respond but that's bill... .tried several times. Heck one time he even just turned over and went to sleep.
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