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Author Topic: I want to stay but don't know if I can  (Read 450 times)
survivalmode27
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« on: August 26, 2014, 09:14:24 AM »

We have been together for 12 years, married 7 of them and have two little girls. Our old marriage counselor suggested hubby had BPD, I am wondering if it is not more NPD. But either way, Sucks. When we were younger and had little responsibilities he was the life of the party, fun to be with. Now he is so depressed and angry, but only with me. Acts fine with other people. He blames everything in his life on me. Daily. I have always worried about him leaving and begged him to stay. I am now to the point where I am so broken down I cannot even fight for him to stay. And considering if I even want to. Yesterday was his birthday and he criticized every word that came out of my mouth. I am holding on to the "family" aspect. I dont want to raise my kids as divorced people. splitting holidays and such. But what I fear most is the damage that I am doing to them. Teaching them that this is how a woman is treated in a marriage and its ok. I do not want them to grow up and marry their father. I don't wish that kind of life on anybody.

Need a pick me up!
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takingandsending
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2014, 09:52:29 AM »

Hey survivalmode,

It sounds like you have been through the wringer.   It seems like a common thing that BPD b-days can be really unhappy occasions. I am sorry that you received so much blame/shame.

Is there anything that you can do for yourself or with your girls today that is just a treat for you? Possibly go for a good walk, some ice cream or some time at a park? It sounds like you need some extra self-care after that birthday. Living with a pwBPD is really challenging, and your decision to stay in your marriage takes a lot of courage. I also have two young children and worry greatly over what example I am modeling for them. I know that my worry doesn't improve the situation or what I model. I am still learning what my core values are and how to express them in a way that models something positive for my sons. I want them to have as good a relationship with their BPD mom as possible, and ultimately with whatever person they end up in relationship with as adults. I understand the dynamics of what you are experiencing and encourage you to do some self care today.

I recently shared one technique my couples T taught to me during an individual session that really helps when you are busy with small kids but also caught up in stress. Maybe it will help. My T said that I should observe my kids when they are really present in play and fully getting their needs met in that moment, and that I should visualize myself as a child being similarly cared for and having my needs met so completely, by myself as an adult. I sometimes see my S3's smile when he is really enjoying himself, and I imagine how good he feels in that moment. And then I take that feeling into myself, really allow it to just seep into me, and picture myself at his age just reveling in enjoyment. And it brings about some self-love and some self-forgiveness. It is amazing how in just a few minutes, I can really feel much better (when I remember to do it). The stresses and worries certainly return, but it breaks up the seeming solidity of them. Anyway, I hope that you get some breaks today and take in some moments of happiness. 

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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survivalmode27
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2014, 10:11:40 AM »

Thanks takingandsending! I am trying to find a little pick me up today and will try your suggestion. I do remember being a kid and how great life was. Or at least for me.

I think in the past I was so focused on resolution and working through the issues that I was able to pick myself up and go. Now that I have been aware of BPD/NPD and know the truth about not being able to change or see their affects on others. I just really feel like there is nothing to work towards. But getting myself through yet another patch of projection. Honestly something that helps me is to read materials on are you ready for a divorce. There is an 8 question article and I answer no to 6/8. That reminds me why I am here.
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takingandsending
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Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2014, 11:50:34 AM »

First, you are really, really welcome. It's so easy to feel trampled living with pwBPD. Have you been able to look at what you value, what is kind of the bare bones of who you are and what you need? I am in the process of trying to understand myself at this level so that I can be consistent in expressing what I need. But as you stated, the choices of what your husband does is out of your hands, and improvement is hard to come by unless he is actively trying to heal. Keep applying the tools here and don't be afraid to provide him with your boundaries.

I am really finding that basic civility and respect is a must for me to engage in conversation with my wife. The moment we start sliding into sarcasm, blame or accusation, I have to begin the process of disengaging. It is a foundation need for me to remain engaged, present and empathetic. And oddly enough, as I am being more consistent about this boundary, our conflict level is going down (although it is very new and not tested too heavily yet).

Thank you for being here. I hope that you get some break from the verbal attacks.
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survivalmode27
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2014, 01:04:08 PM »

I need respect and affection. Probably the other way around. I need some affection badly. Not sex, but affection. I find if he is affectionate towards me then I can talk myself through the bad stuff. But I am getting neither right now. I cannot remember the last time he told me he loved me. Or made me feel like I was worth loving.

I am working with disengaging. I have noticed that I can bring up a hot topic that I used to be scared to mention and if he talks respectably I will look him in the eye and listen and confirm his feelings. If he starts talking derogatory and projecting I look away do not respond and act as if he is not talking. Once he quits I give it a few minutes and then re-approach the subject. This may not be the best way to disengage, but it has kept the rages to a minimum and we get to talk a little.

It is crazy the things they bring up. when they have ran out of things that you do wrong they just start making up things. If it was not so hurtful it would actually be hilarious. He has actually complained about how I put my clothes on in the morning. Do you think they sit and harbor in those things? Or do they just bring them up when you are present and trying to ask them questions?
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2014, 02:18:15 PM »

I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. When my husband was at his worst, he would tell me "I love you" every time I turned around. He sounded mechanical and his actions did not bear out that love. I didn't want him to say it. I wanted him to show it by doing something, anything that felt loving towards me. All touches were about sex. There was no loving affection. I felt like I was only good for filling his needs.

One of the things that helped me make the decision to stay was to make lists. I made a list of all of the good things about my husband and I made a list of all of the bad things about my husband. I made a list of all of the reasons to stay and list of all of the reasons to go. Ultimately, I have decided to stay. The biggest reason is financial. There is no way that we could support two households. It takes all of our combined incomes to stay afloat. Also, my kids are young. I have talked to them about the possibility of him and I divorcing. They love their dad and don't want us to do it. That was a big factor. I try to buffer the kids as best I can.

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Zon
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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2014, 04:12:08 PM »

We have been together for 12 years, married 7 of them and have two little girls. Our old marriage counselor suggested hubby had BPD, I am wondering if it is not more NPD. But either way, Sucks. When we were younger and had little responsibilities he was the life of the party, fun to be with. Now he is so depressed and angry, but only with me. Acts fine with other people. He blames everything in his life on me. Daily. I have always worried about him leaving and begged him to stay. I am now to the point where I am so broken down I cannot even fight for him to stay. And considering if I even want to. Yesterday was his birthday and he criticized every word that came out of my mouth. I am holding on to the "family" aspect. I dont want to raise my kids as divorced people. splitting holidays and such. But what I fear most is the damage that I am doing to them. Teaching them that this is how a woman is treated in a marriage and its ok. I do not want them to grow up and marry their father. I don't wish that kind of life on anybody.

Need a pick me up!

My favorite pick me ups:  humor and chocolate!  Smile as you kill a chocolate today.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I understand where you are coming from although my uBPD/NPDw does not come at me as often with her criticisms.  My wife is more NPD than BPD, in my opinion.  That NPD seems to allow them to hold themselves together better.  However, they need to point out your shortcomings more or emphasize them more.  It definitely allows them to show a different side to other people with greater ease.

Regarding the family part, I am in the same boat.  I fear my children may come to expect it for/from their SO's.  That is a driving force for a split.  Not to mention that as they get older, she is getting less and less tolerant of their bad behaviors.  Bad behaviors that all children have but are taken personally by her.  She gets pretty hurt by what our S3 says sometimes.  The same things said to me make me want to laugh because I realize that he is just experimenting and does not mean it.  Heck!  He does not even understand somethings that he repeats from other children.  How can you take it personally about comments like that?

I need respect and affection. Probably the other way around. I need some affection badly. Not sex, but affection. I find if he is affectionate towards me then I can talk myself through the bad stuff. But I am getting neither right now. I cannot remember the last time he told me he loved me. Or made me feel like I was worth loving.

If you are raising two children, then you have my respect.  Two or more is hard!

That need for affection sounds like a drug.  My wife limited the affection to the point that I gave up on intimacy with her.  Sad yet true.  Nearly every time I approached her, even for a kiss, it was a bad time.

Excerpt
I am working with disengaging. I have noticed that I can bring up a hot topic that I used to be scared to mention and if he talks respectably I will look him in the eye and listen and confirm his feelings. If he starts talking derogatory and projecting I look away do not respond and act as if he is not talking. Once he quits I give it a few minutes and then re-approach the subject. This may not be the best way to disengage, but it has kept the rages to a minimum and we get to talk a little.

Cool.  I am glad it works.  That tactic just annoys my wife more, so I have a hard time succeeding with that method.

Excerpt
It is crazy the things they bring up. when they have ran out of things that you do wrong they just start making up things. If it was not so hurtful it would actually be hilarious. He has actually complained about how I put my clothes on in the morning. Do you think they sit and harbor in those things? Or do they just bring them up when you are present and trying to ask them questions?

Obviously, you should put the left sock on before the right as the other way brings chaos of epic proportions!  

My wife does not make anything up about me.  Now, the beliefs about my mom are wild.  Old faults of mine, that she says I have fixed, are brought out of the closet for another round as reminders.  I think they resurface as either a mechanism to push us below them to feel better about themselves or as a subterfuge against our assertions.

Hang in there!

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I'm not like other people, I can't stand pain, it hurts me.  -- Daffy Duck
survivalmode27
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2014, 07:17:50 AM »

Obviously, you should put the left sock on before the right as the other way brings chaos of epic proportions!  

LOL! Thanks for your post Zon it helped, especially this line! Made me crack up!

I did something yesterday day that actually was very freeing. Even though I do not really want a divorce, I looked into it. Made some financial list and looked into custody info. For the first time ever.  And financially not that bad, I could actually swing it. Maybe even keep my current house if I cut back on stuff. Then the thought of maybe meeting somebody that was happy and stress free crept into my mind. It was the most peaceful moment I had in a long time. It was like in one hour I lost the fear of divorce. I still don't want one, but if it happens, it happens. I actually feel free. My BPD/NPDH has threatened me with that so many times and I always beg him to stay. Not anymore.

So I am feeling much better today and thanks for everybody's post yesterday to help me through a bad day!
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sweetheart
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Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2014, 07:57:49 AM »

Hello survivalmode27,

I too used to beg my dBPDh not to leave when he threatened to leave me, I tried so hard to make everything alright for him. I loved him, but I felt trapped and stuck in the horrible and negative drama that emanates from a pwBPD. We have a s6 who was also becoming aware that all was not well with his father.

Like you, with support and advice from here I began to think about the possibility of leaving, made plans, looked at my finances all areas necessary to know that I could cope without him. Like vortexofconfusion I spoke to our son about his fathers illness and asked him what he wanted. He adores his father and thus far their relationship has been untainted by the disorder, he wanted to us to stay.

Thinking about and making actual plans to stay stopped me feeling trapped and stuck. When I feel overwhelmed I remind myself that I am choosing to stay. Getting time away for myself and s6 has been really great also, it has helped me clear my head and have some much needed fun.

I am really glad you are feeling more optimistic, we are not powerless but sometimes living in the shadow of this disorder leaves us feeling as if we are.
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survivalmode27
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« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2014, 09:31:52 AM »

Thanks Sweetheart! It is weird how they can just beat you down in the ground. I have been learning about BPD/NPD for 3 years now and it seems like I still have eye opening experiences all the time. I am a very independent person, so it never crossed my mind that I was actually being codependent or trapped. Although that is exactly what it is.

I agree it is my choice to stay and up until yesterday I did not really feel like it was a choice. I look forward to getting out of this role I have been in and have new hope. Not hope for him... .but hope for me, hope for my future.
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Zon
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« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2014, 11:50:51 AM »

Obviously, you should put the left sock on before the right as the other way brings chaos of epic proportions!  

LOL! Thanks for your post Zon it helped, especially this line! Made me crack up!

Good!  Laughter helps.

Excerpt
I did something yesterday day that actually was very freeing. Even though I do not really want a divorce, I looked into it. Made some financial list and looked into custody info. For the first time ever.  And financially not that bad, I could actually swing it. Maybe even keep my current house if I cut back on stuff. Then the thought of maybe meeting somebody that was happy and stress free crept into my mind. It was the most peaceful moment I had in a long time. It was like in one hour I lost the fear of divorce. I still don't want one, but if it happens, it happens. I actually feel free. My BPD/NPDH has threatened me with that so many times and I always beg him to stay. Not anymore.

So I am feeling much better today and thanks for everybody's post yesterday to help me through a bad day!

That helped me too.  I tried to figure out the consequences after having it eat at me for a long time.  Knowing nothing about what divorce could bring is actually harder than knowing about it.  My wife has brought up the idea of divorce several times without asking for it herself.  Knowing about divorce reduces that threat's power.

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I'm not like other people, I can't stand pain, it hurts me.  -- Daffy Duck
BethRoberts

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« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2014, 06:46:09 PM »

It is crazy the things they bring up. when they have ran out of things that you do wrong they just start making up things. If it was not so hurtful it would actually be hilarious. He has actually complained about how I put my clothes on in the morning. Do you think they sit and harbor in those things? Or do they just bring them up when you are present and trying to ask them questions?

This sounds familiar! Last year my husband announced that our marriage was over because I had kept him waiting five minutes for the bathroom, and he did the same again a few days later because I had left the bedroom window slightly too open by about half an inch ... .

A few weeks ago we were on a family holiday in the countryside. On our first morning, around 11.00 a.m., we left the kids behind in the cottage and walked to the local shop to buy some bread for lunch. He announced that he would need to eat a sandwich in the village before going back. When I questioned this (because we were buying lunch for the family anyway), he exploded into a tirade about my insensitivity to his needs, my selfish behaviour in forcing him to come on holiday, and my failure to notice that he hadn't had any breakfast. When I dared to ask why he hadn't eaten any of his favourite breakfast cereal (which I had bought for him the previous evening), he said that it was because he hadn't been able to find any clean breakfast bowls that morning. Of course, if he had bothered to wash up a bowl (or even if he had made a fuss and forced somebody else - probably me - to wash up a bowl for him), then he could have had breakfast two hours earlier. But instead, he chose to wait until his blood sugar was really low, and then used his lack of breakfast to trigger an argument. So what was really more important to him: his breakfast, or an excuse to shout at me?
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