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Author Topic: Recycled no more  (Read 581 times)
Moselle
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« on: August 26, 2014, 09:24:34 AM »

Is there a way to successfully reintegrate with a pwBPD? and find a measure of happiness.

My questions are, how has it been done successfully? what to watch out for? what is a realistic outcome?

After 7 months of hatred, raging, divorce threats, and public humiliation, my separated uBPDw, has reverted to being nice, co-operative, attending her own counselling sessions, including CBT, and saying she "misses me". Its amazing how all is suddenly forgiven now that it suits her, and she's oblivious to the damage she has done.

I've had one recycle 4 years ago, but I knew nothing of BPD at the time. My eyes have been opened significantly the past 7 months

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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2014, 03:27:04 PM »

Is there a way to successfully reintegrate with a pwBPD? and find a measure of happiness.

My questions are, how has it been done successfully? what to watch out for? what is a realistic outcome?

Moselle, I'm not sure that my own situation would be replicated very often, but my own Husband (who is not diagnosed with BPD, but does have BPD traits) had a 2.5 year affair when we were only married for 11 years, and had 2 little boys. His BPD traits and behaviors were in full bloom, causing much pain and strife for not only me, but our whole family and extended families. I really did think that we were going to end up divorced.

But, after some Therapy for me, some for him, and the actual final physical act of my "kicking him out" he eventually came around and gave up the girlfriend and saw the error of his ways. We just celebrated our 40th Anniversary this past Spring, and things really are great (but, finding this site and learning what I've learned about how his mind works and how to deal with that is what has made things really good these days).

The years between him coming back and me finding this site weren't terrible, but they definitely had their ups and downs with his periodic dysregulations and my totally not understanding what I did to "cause" them, or how to "fix" them. You are pretty lucky, because you have access to the links to the right-hand side of this page right now, not 30 years from now... .And if you decide to give your relationship a chance, and if she really does make some progress in understanding her own troubles, the information you learn from this site can really make a difference.

I used to feel like you do now: Its amazing how all is suddenly forgiven now that it suits her, and she's oblivious to the damage she has done. That was a mistake for me to obsess over that; it put off our happiness in the marriage for quite a few years actually. What I've found is that no, he wasn't oblivious to the damage he had done. In fact, he was so overwhelmed with shame over that, that he had to tamp it down to a place inside of him where he wasn't depressed and forlorn about it 24/7. He needed to do that in order to function and actually have any semblance of a happy life, especially with me still in that life.

Eventually, I learned that I needed to give him the gift of my forgiveness, and letting the angst and anger and pain go. I let it all go out of me, and into the Universe to make better... .And in the end it was a gift to me, too. I now have a happy marriage and good life. This outcome can be realistic, because I have lived it. But it wasn't easy getting here 


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Moselle
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2014, 03:56:38 PM »

Thanks RaptReader

It is enough to know that there is one success story out there. It is such a heartwrenching decision to divorce or not, and I'm not sure which is kinder to all at this point.

I realise that stories like yours don't seem that common around BPD and thanks for sharing in such detail.

2575 posts later - congratulations. I'm still on 150 and divorce or not I've got some way to go :-)
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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2014, 05:22:47 PM »

Thanks RaptReader

It is enough to know that there is one success story out there. It is such a heartwrenching decision to divorce or not, and I'm not sure which is kinder to all at this point.

I realise that stories like yours don't seem that common around BPD and thanks for sharing in such detail.

2575 posts later - congratulations. I'm still on 150 and divorce or not I've got some way to go :-)

I'll jump in this with RaptReader... .and say absolutely YES... .it can be done!

For me... .the key was understanding that there is an "order to the disorder"... .and while it doesn't make sense to me... .it is usually predictable.  That knowledge gives power back to you.  Once you feel more in control of your life... .things will look better all around you.

Another way of looking at it... .you have momentum going in the right direction... .enjoy this!  Use this "downtime"... .to educate yourself for the future.  That education will help the next "downturn" be less severe... .

Eventually... .you might be able to "validate" your way out of a downturn!

Hang in there... .there is hope... .  
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2014, 06:23:17 PM »

Thanks RaptReader

It is enough to know that there is one success story out there. It is such a heartwrenching decision to divorce or not, and I'm not sure which is kinder to all at this point.

I realise that stories like yours don't seem that common around BPD and thanks for sharing in such detail.

2575 posts later - congratulations. I'm still on 150 and divorce or not I've got some way to go :-)

There are a lot of success stories. This place is like the mechanics workshop, you are not going to find many in here that dont have issues of one sort or another, that is why they are here. Most of the successes are on the road getting on with their lives and not dwelling on the problems.

Success is about ending up with a better life for you, that may mean within the RS or not. Working on it from the inside, prepares you better for when you move on if that is what happens.

Having a sense of purpose and direction is a success in itself.

Is my case a success? I think so, even though it is still fully loaded with BPD thinking and dysfunction. The nasty aspects have gone, now it is like living with a severely disabled, but not deliberately hostile person. Am I generally happy and fulfilled, that is ultimately the benchmark to judge success against, Simply being here and helping others plays no small part in quality of life.

I get frustrated from time to time, but it doesn't feel like the sky is falling in any more.

It can be overwhelming when you are trying to decide what your end goal for happiness is, ultimately that will evolve,  just work through it one small step at a time and see what comes to pass.

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« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2014, 08:21:20 AM »

Moselle the post from waverider is very poignant for me in that pw this disorder or traits of this disorder are very much about the moment, it has taken me 8 years to realise this. I, once I made the decision to stay felt better about being with my husband despite the disorder.

I posted the other day that within the dynamic of our relationship I focus on what is happening now, I enjoy, or not, the moment with him as it occurs. I have had to learn to reframe my expectations of what it means to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Your wife is in what is real for her now, she misses you and from her attending counselling sessions is communicating something positive for now. If you choose to get back with her know that the negativity will also return because that is the nature of the beast.

Trying again with all that you are beginning to learn may help you reintegrate successfully, but there will most certainly be bumps in the road   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2014, 09:03:14 AM »

Rapt Reader,

I love your testimony, it's very uplifting and gives hope. My question is, what helped you to not take it all personally... .I.e. the lashing out and insults along with going to another woman? How did you come to reconcile that within yourself. I have forgiven my husband for what is not even clear was a full affair but rather a person just to talk to behind my back that built his ego as he tells it, although she tried to split us up with her sense of entitlement to my husband, but... .how did you manage to feel like enough in your marriage and also, did he allow you to hurt from it or was that a trigger for him? We are trying to work on better communication but relational communication is a trigger for my husband... .
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Moselle
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« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2014, 09:54:22 AM »

Rapt Reader,

We are trying to work on better communication but relational communication is a trigger for my husband... .

Winnie77 this site has so many helps. I can relate to this relational communication difficulty. I have been learning and practicing the tools and skills mentioned here, for 7 months of separation from my  undiagnosed BPD wife of 14 years. Coincidentally, today we had the first normally regulated difficult conversation ever, where emotional boundaries were respected by both of us and we both got to say what we feel, be acknowledged and caring was expressed on both sides. It is a special day! It is the first in 14.5 years of marriage.

I realised 7 months ago that I would have to lead the changes, and today was a massive step forward in terms of following that lead.
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« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2014, 10:08:18 AM »

Moselle, thanks so much for the response. I am glad to hear of the accomplishment. My husband and I have had good conversations and I have also learned to lead and although we have had good discussions, the dysregulation is more often than not. It's hard when the partner who is suppose to lead is hurt therefore, I joined this group so that I can try to work through my own hurts from the behavior and am more able to lead at home. Friends who don't have BPD spouses don't understand and give advice that would destroy a relationship with a BPD. So, here I am... .thanks again... .
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« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2014, 11:18:43 AM »

Coincidentally, today we had the first normally regulated difficult conversation ever, where emotional boundaries were respected by both of us and we both got to say what we feel, be acknowledged and caring was expressed on both sides. 

Similar things have been happening in my r/s.  "Hard" conversations have been had with no dysregulation.

We got to that point by both working on "our" issues and how they affected the r/s.

Congrats on your accomplishment.  How do you feel about the future?

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Moselle
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« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2014, 04:53:11 AM »

Coincidentally, today we had the first normally regulated difficult conversation ever, where emotional boundaries were respected by both of us and we both got to say what we feel, be acknowledged and caring was expressed on both sides.  

Similar things have been happening in my r/s.  "Hard" conversations have been had with no dysregulation.

We got to that point by both working on "our" issues and how they affected the r/s.

Congrats on your accomplishment.  How do you feel about the future?

Thanks for asking that.

Me:

I feel very positive about my future. I'm getting myself squared away with co-dependence. Not recovered, but very aware and actively using books and other media like BPDfam, to really address the issue. I'm a much more active father since separating, so that benefits the girls. (I think I'm freed up energy, because I'm not engaging in the nonsense with my wife). I've started a new business, and I'm excited to wake up each day, for the first time in a long while. I'm becoming more grounded in myself.

The Relationship:

I don't really know. I've asked if we can be friends. After her raging for 6 months, it looks like she is attempting to follow me in that. I said in the beginning of the separation "Let's be friends first and see if the relationship can be salvaged thereafter". In true black and white style, she now wants the "All in" relationship as it was.

I've been quite clear though that I consider the old relationship dead, and would like to build friendship first, then, have verbal intimacy, sexual intimacy, and start rebuilding trust. But there are also my boundaries (I have 14 explicit ones LOL), and that I've decided I want nurturing and respect so I can be intimate. I'm ot ready to live with her, as my new habits and thinking is still fragile. I also want planned NC separations in the first year back, so I can do any maintenance to myself that's required.

In reciprocation, I'm offering validation, to do things that help her feel emotionally safe, protect her and generally validate and respect her feelings and person.
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« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2014, 07:41:13 AM »

Coincidentally, today we had the first normally regulated difficult conversation ever, where emotional boundaries were respected by both of us and we both got to say what we feel, be acknowledged and caring was expressed on both sides.  

Similar things have been happening in my r/s.  "Hard" conversations have been had with no dysregulation.

We got to that point by both working on "our" issues and how they affected the r/s.

Congrats on your accomplishment.  How do you feel about the future?

Thanks for asking that.

Me:

I feel very positive about my future. I'm getting myself squared away with co-dependence. Not recovered, but very aware and actively using books and other media like BPDfam, to really address the issue. I'm a much more active father since separating, so that benefits the girls. (I think I'm freed up energy, because I'm not engaging in the nonsense with my wife). I've started a new business, and I'm excited to wake up each day, for the first time in a long while. I'm becoming more grounded in myself.

The Relationship:

I don't really know. I've asked if we can be friends. After her raging for 6 months, it looks like she is attempting to follow me in that. I said in the beginning of the separation "Let's be friends first and see if the relationship can be salvaged thereafter". In true black and white style, she now wants the "All in" relationship as it was.

I've been quite clear though that I consider the old relationship dead, and would like to build friendship first, then, have verbal intimacy, sexual intimacy, and start rebuilding trust. But there are also my boundaries (I have 14 explicit ones LOL), and that I've decided I want nurturing and respect so I can be intimate. I'm ot ready to live with her, as my new habits and thinking is still fragile. I also want planned NC separations in the first year back, so I can do any maintenance to myself that's required.

In reciprocation, I'm offering validation, to do things that help her feel emotionally safe, protect her and generally validate and respect her feelings and person.

This is where I am also. I have a two year old boy to my BPDxw.

After months of unbelievable fighting and sexual relations with others on my part and hers (after the breakup of course) we are on speaking terms. She is away in Africa for the next two weeks and has been away for two weeks already.

Before she left we had sex which wasn't the best move.

She wants to remain friends, spend time together as a family and just see where it leads, which I agree with.

In my heart I wish she didn't have the disorder and we could just be happy.

I'm torn because I'm sceptical about being friends, sceptical about getting back together and sceptical about becoming close with her for her to smash my heart again!
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Moselle
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« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2014, 12:37:05 PM »

LondonD.

Have you been able to establish and maintain boundaries?

I think I can sustain an average relationship, where I look after my own needs, and she slowly grows from being 3 years old emotionally to a teenager perhaps, over a given time period.

But I don't want an average relationship. I want one where I thrive

Mine gave me an ultimatim. A long list of things I needed to do, otherwise she is going to divorce me on September 30th. I replied with a list of things I need to thrive, and that I would be making my decision on 30 Septemer as well.

She then switched from being a dragonn into idealisation mode, because, I think she realises I'm dead serious. I am!

Are you guys divorced, or separated?
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« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2014, 01:09:37 PM »

LondonD.

Have you been able to establish and maintain boundaries?

I think I can sustain an average relationship, where I look after my own needs, and she slowly grows from being 3 years old emotionally to a teenager perhaps, over a given time period.

But I don't want an average relationship. I want one where I thrive

Mine gave me an ultimatim. A long list of things I needed to do, otherwise she is going to divorce me on September 30th. I replied with a list of things I need to thrive, and that I would be making my decision on 30 Septemer as well.

She then switched from being a dragonn into idealisation mode, because, I think she realises I'm dead serious. I am!

Are you guys divorced, or separated?

We're separated, we have had two break up cycles previously. The relationship went very sour, she accuses me of cheating ALL the time.

My heart wants her back, my mind tells me it's a bad idea. Everyone around me tells me it's a bad idea. Family, friends etc.

When she idealises like before she went away, things are lovely. When we get back she turns into someone completely different.

Since being in Africa, working in a hospital she has contacted me every day when she gets wireless in a cafe.

She hasn't contacted me in 2 days and I'm paranoid. Even though she's in the middle of nowhere in Africa, I'm worrying that's she's met a man out there.

I can't get that off my mind!
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Moselle
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« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2014, 01:39:55 PM »

It sounds like there are trust issues on both sides. Perhaps you might consider couple therapy to bring them out.

We've been accusing eachother of the same stuff :-)  It's natural to think about that.

It sounds like there is still a fairly strong connection between you two. Do you know what that is?

So I'm curious, where in Africa is she, and why would she spend 4 weeks there?
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« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2014, 04:07:59 PM »

It sounds like there are trust issues on both sides. Perhaps you might consider couple therapy to bring them out.

We've been accusing eachother of the same stuff :-)  It's natural to think about that.

It sounds like there is still a fairly strong connection between you two. Do you know what that is?

So I'm curious, where in Africa is she, and why would she spend 4 weeks there?

There are trust issues, especially on her part. Since the break up I've seen her true colours with men and there was even an overlap with one man. Not only that he was a friend of a friend.

There is a strong connection, when things are good there great but when there bad they are awful. Much more bad than good.

Couples counselling has been mentioned.

She is in her last year of med school, she is working in a hospital in Tanzania. In 20weeks she's only spent 4weeks with her son. She is not maternal in the slightest! She leaves him at her parents. I see him every weekend without fail. She's not a good mother yet she tricked me into having him.

I love the person she can be but I'm not sure that person exists. If I show interest in her she will run a mile.
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Moselle
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« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2014, 07:16:55 AM »

There are trust issues, especially on her part. Since the break up I've seen her true colours with men and there was even an overlap with one man. Not only that he was a friend of a friend.

There is a strong connection, when things are good there great but when there bad they are awful. Much more bad than good.

Couples counselling has been mentioned.

She is in her last year of med school, she is working in a hospital in Tanzania. In 20weeks she's only spent 4weeks with her son. She is not maternal in the slightest! She leaves him at her parents. I see him every weekend without fail. She's not a good mother yet she tricked me into having him.

I love the person she can be but I'm not sure that person exists. If I show interest in her she will run a mile.

We are in a similar space! I've seen the real person. On very few occasions. Usually after a massive fight and just before the make up, when all the crap has been shed, and is just herself. Honest about what she's done, repentant, loving. And then the FOG returned. I don't know if that person will ever be able to live ouit in the open, or if she'll ever be able to be that person at all.

I wouldn't be too stressed about the extramarital stuff. It looks like it's happened on both sides anyway. Someone has to start trusting and it won't be her. Are you willing to be faithful for her now? And hold her to the same standard. If so, perhaps organise the couples therapy (importantly without asking her), and say 'You've decided for your own good to try couples therapy, the appointment is on xyz."

Also, pick one with experience of PD's. You will only cause problems if you pick one without. That's from experience BTW!

Tanzania. That's cool. I live in South Africa so I know what african hospital are about LOL...

I've just posted a thread entitled 'Peaceful Dragon' where formflier gives the advice just enjoy the moment. Love her in the good times, open up, knowing there'll be a time when you'll need to close up.

I'm going to take the risk, why don't you join me ? LOL, we can supporrt eachother when the fit hits the shan.

I'll not be taking the crap when it starts again though. She's going to get a fright about just how prepared I am. I've got to quite a blunt place where I just call it. "Stop being a victim", or "Stop acting like a child". Its amazing how well she responds to it. I'm also preparing to validate her at the same time.

My cousin is a very accomplished female doctor, with two young kids. She 's not huge on the motherly instinct either but she loves them in her way. Sorry you feel tricked. That must be very tough.
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« Reply #17 on: September 01, 2014, 11:38:52 AM »

There are trust issues, especially on her part. Since the break up I've seen her true colours with men and there was even an overlap with one man. Not only that he was a friend of a friend.

There is a strong connection, when things are good there great but when there bad they are awful. Much more bad than good.

Couples counselling has been mentioned.

She is in her last year of med school, she is working in a hospital in Tanzania. In 20weeks she's only spent 4weeks with her son. She is not maternal in the slightest! She leaves him at her parents. I see him every weekend without fail. She's not a good mother yet she tricked me into having him.

I love the person she can be but I'm not sure that person exists. If I show interest in her she will run a mile.

We are in a similar space! I've seen the real person. On very few occasions. Usually after a massive fight and just before the make up, when all the crap has been shed, and is just herself. Honest about what she's done, repentant, loving. And then the FOG returned. I don't know if that person will ever be able to live ouit in the open, or if she'll ever be able to be that person at all.

I wouldn't be too stressed about the extramarital stuff. It looks like it's happened on both sides anyway. Someone has to start trusting and it won't be her. Are you willing to be faithful for her now? And hold her to the same standard. If so, perhaps organise the couples therapy (importantly without asking her), and say 'You've decided for your own good to try couples therapy, the appointment is on xyz."

Also, pick one with experience of PD's. You will only cause problems if you pick one without. That's from experience BTW!

Tanzania. That's cool. I live in South Africa so I know what african hospital are about LOL...

I've just posted a thread entitled 'Peaceful Dragon' where formflier gives the advice just enjoy the moment. Love her in the good times, open up, knowing there'll be a time when you'll need to close up.

I'm going to take the risk, why don't you join me ? LOL, we can supporrt eachother when the fit hits the shan.

I'll not be taking the crap when it starts again though. She's going to get a fright about just how prepared I am. I've got to quite a blunt place where I just call it. "Stop being a victim", or "Stop acting like a child". Its amazing how well she responds to it. I'm also preparing to validate her at the same time.

My cousin is a very accomplished female doctor, with two young kids. She 's not huge on the motherly instinct either but she loves them in her way. Sorry you feel tricked. That must be very tough.

This helps. I fell like I'm being sucked back in because I love the good parts but loathe the bad!

I with you on the blunt part, I feel like I'm a much stronger person now and I will call her on her actions.

When she's back I will give her the benefit of the doubt, spend some time with her and see where it develops. I wont be jumping into anything, we both need to work to establish a new relationship.
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« Reply #18 on: September 01, 2014, 07:07:10 PM »

Blunt works as long as it stops at that, dont start backing it up with a whole lot of JADE or negotiations. So you have to fully prepared for it up front.

You are defending your rights, and you dont need to explain your rights, even under seige.
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« Reply #19 on: September 11, 2014, 04:35:51 AM »

Please can I ask for some more advice on re-ntegrating successfully.

I'm visiting for a week this time.

Since my last visit 4 weeks ago, she has admitted to being diagnosed BPD and NPD, and apologised for a number of things including violence towards me during our marriage. She seemd very sincere, and has been doing CBT.

Last time I had decided to stay separately and leave each night at 10:30pm.  She was all over me physicallly, she invited me to stay over on my last night. I chose to accept her invitation and we slept together for the first time in 7 months. It was really tender. I left and she called me saying when are you moving back in? She has numerous weekends in the next next few months where she'll be away and I can have the kids to myself the whole weekend.

I made it very clear that things had not changed and that I was still only willing to be friends, and therafter determine whether a romantic relationship can be salvaged.

I am visiting for a week this time, leaving tomorrow. I perceive that in her mind this marriage is back on track, business as usual.

Bear in ming that for 6 months until 6 weeks ago she was raging, threatening diviorce and spreading unsavoury rumours about me.

Should I stay in the home? Sleep with her again?

How do I maintain the boundaries I've so carefully placed?

How do I reintegrate on my terms without becoming enmeshed again, and co-dependent again?
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« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2014, 08:34:48 AM »

Please can I ask for some more advice on re-ntegrating successfully.

I'm visiting for a week this time.

Since my last visit 4 weeks ago, she has admitted to being diagnosed BPD and NPD, and apologised for a number of things including violence towards me during our marriage. She seemd very sincere, and has been doing CBT.

Last time I had decided to stay separately and leave each night at 10:30pm.  She was all over me physicallly, she invited me to stay over on my last night. I chose to accept her invitation and we slept together for the first time in 7 months. It was really tender. I left and she called me saying when are you moving back in? She has numerous weekends in the next next few months where she'll be away and I can have the kids to myself the whole weekend.

I made it very clear that things had not changed and that I was still only willing to be friends, and therafter determine whether a romantic relationship can be salvaged.

I am visiting for a week this time, leaving tomorrow. I perceive that in her mind this marriage is back on track, business as usual.

Bear in ming that for 6 months until 6 weeks ago she was raging, threatening diviorce and spreading unsavoury rumours about me.

Should I stay in the home? Sleep with her again?

How do I maintain the boundaries I've so carefully placed?

How do I reintegrate on my terms without becoming enmeshed again, and co-dependent again?

I feel you. This is difficult because when their nice, they are lovely.

Come back sex is always passionate and tender. I've been here recently. Staying in the house for the whole week, in my opinion will be a mistake, she will get the wrong impression.

All the best Moselle! Enjoy the time with your kids
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Moselle
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2014, 09:21:54 AM »

Please can I ask for some more advice on re-ntegrating successfully.

I'm visiting for a week this time.

Since my last visit 4 weeks ago, she has admitted to being diagnosed BPD and NPD, and apologised for a number of things including violence towards me during our marriage. She seemd very sincere, and has been doing CBT.

Last time I had decided to stay separately and leave each night at 10:30pm.  She was all over me physicallly, she invited me to stay over on my last night. I chose to accept her invitation and we slept together for the first time in 7 months. It was really tender. I left and she called me saying when are you moving back in? She has numerous weekends in the next next few months where she'll be away and I can have the kids to myself the whole weekend.

I made it very clear that things had not changed and that I was still only willing to be friends, and therafter determine whether a romantic relationship can be salvaged.

I am visiting for a week this time, leaving tomorrow. I perceive that in her mind this marriage is back on track, business as usual.

Bear in ming that for 6 months until 6 weeks ago she was raging, threatening diviorce and spreading unsavoury rumours about me.

Should I stay in the home? Sleep with her again?

How do I maintain the boundaries I've so carefully placed?

How do I reintegrate on my terms without becoming enmeshed again, and co-dependent again?

I feel you. This is difficult because when their nice, they are lovely.

Come back sex is always passionate and tender. I've been here recently. Staying in the house for the whole week, in my opinion will be a mistake, she will get the wrong impression.

All the best Moselle! Enjoy the time with your kids

Thanks LondonD.

I am very nervous of sending the wrong message, and I do not want to build expectations in her that I cannot meet. My internal battle right now is ":)o I love her?"  :)o you think I should sit her down at the start and share that with her? I wonder if that might cause a dysregulation before we even start.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

But there is part of me saying why should I not enjoy her "lovely" if she's offering that, and then manage the "ugly" if/when it comes, by validating her and then boundary enforcement if that fails.

"If/when" because I wonder if the expectation of, or my involvement in, the emotional dysregulation or rage cycle, actually reinforced it. The difference now is that I have my boundaries, so the only thing I need to be concerned about is, can I withdraw if I need to?  I feel safer now, and if/when she dysregulates I'm determined not make it my issue or get involved in it. It's hers and her therapist's problem.

I've also lived so many years in the shadow of the dysregulation, dreading when it's going to come, from a physical and emotional abuse point of view. One of my From-To's I sent to her was, From: Living with anxiety, and worry To: Living and being in the moment. so I have a choice to practice that too.

She's also taken a risk telling me about her diagnosis of BPD and NPD, and, so I have the option to choose to take a risk to reward that honesty.

Regardless of what happens I'm determined to do things to help her feel emotionally safe. That's coming from awareness of my own competence as a husband, and a very real realisation that over the years I have returned her invalidation with my own version, and I've chosen to change that.

I can do it for a week! perhaps longer would be too much for my newly developed skills Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2014, 09:30:46 AM »

I would say take it as it comes.

As you say, you have set boundaries, therefore if she crosses them, you take action by taking yourself away from the situation. You have power.

I wouldn't present her with the "I'm not sure if I love you". Talk to her about the situation and what you want to achieve, if we progress then there is an option for reconciliation.

My ex is making me nervous right now, anxious that she is using me, anxious that she will run off with another man. I really don't know what to do about that. All I know is that I need to be ready to distance myself and disengage further if she disrespects me in any way.

I've just posted about this. I just don't trust her emotions, reactions or the choices she makes.
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Moselle
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #23 on: September 11, 2014, 10:03:08 AM »

Talk to her about the situation and what you want to achieve, if we progress then there is an option for reconciliation.

My ex is making me nervous right now, anxious that she is using me, anxious that she will run off with another man. I really don't know what to do about that. All I know is that I need to be ready to distance myself and disengage further if she disrespects me in any way. I just don't trust her emotions, reactions or the choices she makes.

Thanks I'll do just that.

It's very normal to mistrust someone in this situation, and feel anxious about what they're doing or not doing. I've learned that the only thing that alleviates that anxiety is to do something assertive. Listen to and validate them (you might be surprised how well this works), reinforce a boundary, call them out for poor behaviour.

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londonD
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« Reply #24 on: September 11, 2014, 10:15:07 AM »

Talk to her about the situation and what you want to achieve, if we progress then there is an option for reconciliation.

My ex is making me nervous right now, anxious that she is using me, anxious that she will run off with another man. I really don't know what to do about that. All I know is that I need to be ready to distance myself and disengage further if she disrespects me in any way. I just don't trust her emotions, reactions or the choices she makes.

Thanks I'll do just that.

It's very normal to mistrust someone in this situation, and feel anxious about what they're doing or not doing. I've learned that the only thing that alleviates that anxiety is to do something assertive. Listen to and validate them (you might be surprised how well this works), reinforce a boundary, call them out for poor behaviour.

She has told me that she isn't talking to any men, she isn't looking to date as she has next year at med school to focus on. She wants to spend time with me, as I said we had sex on Monday and she's asked me to go to the cinema on Friday night.

All her words are ok, however I've learnt that her words and actions are very different. She's lied to me in the past and I know she will lie to me again.

I know I cant stop her, if she chooses to, she will meet someone and there's zip I can do about it.

Good luck and have a great time with your family! Enjoy it and if there are any issues, stick to your guns.
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