Avoidant and silent without an explanation

[bitSky]

Hello everyone, I would like some advice on what I should do in my situation. My gf (although I don't know if I should consider us together currently) shows a lot of signs of BPD but has never seen a therapist. When I first started seeing her, she dumped me quickly and came back crying two weeks later admitting that she has an irrational fear of getting close and doesn't know why. When I was seeing her after the first time she ran, she described to me how an ex had left her without saying anything and promised me that she would not run away again as long as I didn't.

Currently, she has been avoiding me for a little over 4 weeks, with the last time I spoke to her being 18 days ago. When I text messaged her, she was very friendly, but she turned down my invitations to meet in person. I had instantly become aware that she was running away from me the last time I left after seeing her, as she turned facebook chat off exclusively for me and stopped initiating contact with me. Also, upon running into her in person, she tried to finish what she was doing and get away as fast as possible, with a frown on her face and holding back tears  . She has deleted all of her exes off of facebook and vehemently dislikes them, but she hasn't done so for me, which leads me to believe that there is a chance that she is just having difficulty processing emotions-- but it really hurts. I feeling like I am being perpetually set ablaze.

When I met her, she made some jokes about being a "monster," as she calls herself-- now I know that she wasn't joking and this is how she actually sees herself. I should have known something was up.

She also tries hard to disconnect from her past, as if something terrible happened to her when she was younger. She already described her drug-addled mother during her young years, but I think there's more she needs to open up about. I feel like I may have more in common with her than she thinks, because I was abused as a child by my mother, grew up in poverty and have been homeless, and dealt with a very detached drug-abuser father, and this caused me to develop some borderline traits. The thing is that I overcame them in college with therapy, reading, and a general understanding of the universe we live in. By many of the things she has said to me, it is clear that she is so close to overcoming whatever happened to her. (I don't want to describe specifics here yet, she is very bright- a PhD student- and could easily find out).

When she started this current silent period, I instantly recognized that something was wrong and began reading about BPD, as someone I know had also dated a girl with BPD and I started reading a lot of resources, including this forum. I have also read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I know a lot more than I did even last month, but the problem is that I haven't had a chance to communicate with her as she is avoiding me, and I am scared that she will just ignore me if I reach out.

My question is this: what do I do? I have recently been approached by another beautiful woman and I could easily move on, but I want things to work out. Should I reach out? Wait for her to come to her senses? This is exhausting.

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[formflier]

Hello everyone, I would like some advice on what I should do in my situation. My gf (although I don't know if I should consider us together currently) shows a lot of signs of BPD but has never seen a therapist. When I first started seeing her, she dumped me quickly and came back crying two weeks later admitting that she has an irrational fear of getting close and doesn't know why. When I was seeing her after the first time she ran, she described to me how an ex had left her without saying anything and promised me that she would not run away again as long as I didn't.

Currently, she has been avoiding me for a little over 4 weeks, with the last time I spoke to her being 18 days ago. When I text messaged her, she was very friendly, but she turned down my invitations to meet in person. I had instantly become aware that she was running away from me the last time I left after seeing her, as she turned facebook chat off exclusively for me and stopped initiating contact with me. Also, upon running into her in person, she tried to finish what she was doing and get away as fast as possible, with a frown on her face and holding back tears  . She has deleted all of her exes off of facebook and vehemently dislikes them, but she hasn't done so for me, which leads me to believe that there is a chance that she is just having difficulty processing emotions-- but it really hurts. I feeling like I am being perpetually set ablaze.

When I met her, she made some jokes about being a "monster," as she calls herself-- now I know that she wasn't joking and this is how she actually sees herself. I should have known something was up.

She also tries hard to disconnect from her past, as if something terrible happened to her when she was younger. She already described her drug-addled mother during her young years, but I think there's more she needs to open up about. I feel like I may have more in common with her than she thinks, because I was abused as a child by my mother, grew up in poverty and have been homeless, and dealt with a very detached drug-abuser father, and this caused me to develop some borderline traits. The thing is that I overcame them in college with therapy, reading, and a general understanding of the universe we live in. By many of the things she has said to me, it is clear that she is so close to overcoming whatever happened to her. (I don't want to describe specifics here yet, she is very bright- a PhD student- and could easily find out).

When she started this current silent period, I instantly recognized that something was wrong and began reading about BPD, as someone I know had also dated a girl with BPD and I started reading a lot of resources, including this forum. I have also read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I know a lot more than I did even last month, but the problem is that I haven't had a chance to communicate with her as she is avoiding me, and I am scared that she will just ignore me if I reach out.

My question is this: what do I do? I have recently been approached by another beautiful woman and I could easily move on, but I want things to work out. Should I reach out? Wait for her to come to her senses? This is exhausting.

BitSky,



I'm glad you made it over to the staying board to post here. 

I also want to give you an attaboy for digging into the books that you mentioned to try to sort through the traits that you see in your gf.

Let's continue that education on this site.  Please look over to the right side of the page... .you'll see "The Lessons".  Please start at the top.  Make notes about things that seem to "hit home"... .or "ring true"... .then work some of those notes into a post on this board and we'll try to help you sort through what you have found.

Many of us have been in a spot... .just like you find yourself in.  Exhausted... .  I know exactly what you mean!   

Finally... .I'm not going to answer the questions you asked right now.  Since you are essentially NC (no contact)... .I would ask that you take the few days to focus on this site and YOU!  Not the rs (relationship) or the gf.  My goal is to boost up/verify your education level on the situation you are in... .then help you make decisions.

[bitSky]

Thanks formflier. I am currently working through the lessons and realizing how to interact with her. I am also taking this as a time out, detaching myself completely and learning not to take her behavior personally.

I have a feeling she is going to jump back into my life before I feel I know enough, as some of my friends told me that they saw her hanging around some places I usually hang out-- I guess I will always feel like there is more to learn.

I will update you on my progress-- currently on lesson 4. From what I have learned so far, I can say BPD really is a sad disorder.

[formflier]

 and learning not to take her behavior personally.

Huge point!  HUGE

This is one that I am still learning to take on board... .that much of what other people "do" to us... .are really things that if we don't take them personally... .we would get along much better.

[bitSky]

 and learning not to take her behavior personally.

Huge point!  HUGE

This is one that I am still learning to take on board... .that much of what other people "do" to us... .are really things that if we don't take them personally... .we would get along much better.

Indeed it is. It's liberating to look at it from a dialectic perspective-- the relationship is going through a process and both mine and her actions play a role in it. I would still prefer that she doesn't go silent on me like this-- I wish there was a way for her to realize that it's just not a healthy thing to do to anyone.

[formflier]

-- I wish there was a way for her to realize that it's just not a healthy thing to do to anyone.

The good news is that you realize this... .and you can be prepared to help her understand this if that time ever presents itself.

[bitSky]

So I ran into her today... .I figured I would since she has been hanging around places where she knows I will be.

She acted like nothing happened-- being friendly, trying to make jokes, etc.

I am confused.

[formflier]

So I ran into her today... .I figured I would since she has been hanging around places where she knows I will be.

She acted like nothing happened-- being friendly, trying to make jokes, etc.

I am confused.

How did you act in return? 

More importantly... I should ask... .from your knowledge that you have gained from reading lessons... .how do they suggest you should have acted?

[bitSky]

So I ran into her today... .I figured I would since she has been hanging around places where she knows I will be.

She acted like nothing happened-- being friendly, trying to make jokes, etc.

I am confused.

How did you act in return? 

More importantly... I should ask... .from your knowledge that you have gained from reading lessons... .how do they suggest you should have acted?

Well, I returned her kindness and jokes, but since I was busy, I continued with my business. It wasn't a good place for a serious conversation about anything, since a lot of other people were around, but she seemed to really want to talk to me/get my attention. She also seemed very sad.

I have not called her or text messaged her yet. If I get the chance to talk to her one on one, I will use the SET-UP technique to both ask her what she wants from our relationship, and tell her that silence is not healthy. I will assure her that I am not judging her by her responses as long as she is 100% honest with me.

[formflier]

So I ran into her today... .I figured I would since she has been hanging around places where she knows I will be.

She acted like nothing happened-- being friendly, trying to make jokes, etc.

I am confused.

How did you act in return? 

More importantly... I should ask... .from your knowledge that you have gained from reading lessons... .how do they suggest you should have acted?

Well, I returned her kindness and jokes, but since I was busy, I continued with my business. It wasn't a good place for a serious conversation about anything, since a lot of other people were around, but she seemed to really want to talk to me/get my attention. She also seemed very sad.

I have not called her or text messaged her yet. If I get the chance to talk to her one on one, I will use the SET-UP technique to both ask her what she wants from our relationship, and tell her that silence is not healthy. I will assure her that I am not judging her by her responses as long as she is 100% honest with me.

What is SET-UP technique?

[bitSky]

So I ran into her today... .I figured I would since she has been hanging around places where she knows I will be.

She acted like nothing happened-- being friendly, trying to make jokes, etc.

I am confused.

How did you act in return? 

More importantly... I should ask... .from your knowledge that you have gained from reading lessons... .how do they suggest you should have acted?

Well, I returned her kindness and jokes, but since I was busy, I continued with my business. It wasn't a good place for a serious conversation about anything, since a lot of other people were around, but she seemed to really want to talk to me/get my attention. She also seemed very sad.

I have not called her or text messaged her yet. If I get the chance to talk to her one on one, I will use the SET-UP technique to both ask her what she wants from our relationship, and tell her that silence is not healthy. I will assure her that I am not judging her by her responses as long as she is 100% honest with me.

What is SET-UP technique?

From I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

S is for Support- Reassure them that you care and are not judging them/not to take anything subjectively

E is for Empathy- acknowledge and validate the way they feel, noting any mixed or opposing feelings (dialectics!)

T is for Truth- Tell them the hard truth about the situation, noting the outcomes based on theirs and your decisions and let them decide what they want, allowing them to take responsibility for their decisions.

U is for Understanding

P is for Perseverance

[bitSky]

I am wondering if I should reach out to her after now being aware that she is making attempts to get my attention and see me in public. Should I wait for her to genuinely reach out to me or should I contact her first?