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Author Topic: He talks to me like I'm stupid  (Read 457 times)
Satori68

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« on: August 27, 2014, 01:30:20 PM »

We recently took over the house that we were just renting a small room from. The people who moved out left a lot of work to be done. We have both been working so much that neither of us have been able to get anything done yet.

I text him this morning to tell him that I would be getting off early and if there was anything in particular that he wanted me to start doing while I was home.

He told me that the whole house needed to be swept and mopped. Okay. That's fine. the whole house floor is linoleum, no carpet and a good sweep is long over due.

When I get home I'm surprised to find him there already. he was off work early too.

Before I can even put my work things away he is on me, telling me exactly how I should sweep in mop as though I have never cleaned in my life. I do all the cleaning!

I tried to tell him that his explaining was not necessary. I would handle it just fine. But he continued to push the idea that I just wasn't going to do it right. I can't take that he has such low confidence in my ability to do even the tiniest things. I always encourage him in everything and let him know that I believe in him, but this one sided way of living has to end.

How can I let him know that he's hurting me without him blaming me for being oversensitive or finding some other way to twist it around so that he has no responsibility for his hurtful behavior?

I want him to look at himself and see what he's doing is not rational or productive. Where do I start?
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2014, 02:31:23 PM »

Where do I start?

Excellent question!  Have you read the lessons on the right side of this page?  Do you find any principles in 3.  Tools or 4: Surviving confrontation and disrespect that you can apply to this situation?



We recently took over the house that we were just renting a small room from. The people who moved out left a lot of work to be done. We have both been working so much that neither of us have been able to get anything done yet.

I text him this morning to tell him that I would be getting off early and if there was anything in particular that he wanted me to start doing while I was home.

He told me that the whole house needed to be swept and mopped. Okay. That's fine. the whole house floor is linoleum, no carpet and a good sweep is long over due.

When I get home I'm surprised to find him there already. he was off work early too.

Before I can even put my work things away he is on me, telling me exactly how I should sweep in mop as though I have never cleaned in my life. I do all the cleaning!

I tried to tell him that his explaining was not necessary. I would handle it just fine. But he continued to push the idea that I just wasn't going to do it right. I can't take that he has such low confidence in my ability to do even the tiniest things. I always encourage him in everything and let him know that I believe in him, but this one sided way of living has to end.

How can I let him know that he's hurting me without him blaming me for being oversensitive or finding some other way to twist it around so that he has no responsibility for his hurtful behavior?

I want him to look at himself and see what he's doing is not rational or productive. Where do I start?

Quick overview:  To focus on what you want him to do may set you up for frustration.  My goal would be to have you focus on how you respond.  Much less chance of frustration since you are the one in control of that.

So... .what if he still doesn't act the way you want him to?  And he may not... . 

It is likely that using the tools will get him to respond in a better way.  Then you will look at the better way and see if that is a situation you can accept or if it needs continued focus and work.

Good luck search for answers in the lessons... .I'm glad you have found us... .We can help!   
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2014, 05:10:22 PM »

You are going to run into this a lot. My husband does this with everything from cleaning, to cooking, to playing video games, etc. There were times where I was just tuning him out and he would exclaim, "I give excellent advice!" And I would say yes honey, you sure do.

I don't know if it's the BPD or NPD, but this is sort of like... .their way of sharing with you their knowledge, and what they are looking for is thank yous and someone to listen to them. It's validating for them. This makes them feel useful and helpful, at least that's how it appears with mine.

I used to get angry, now I just smile and say "Oh that's a great idea! Thanks honey!" And do however I wanted to anyways.



We recently took over the house that we were just renting a small room from. The people who moved out left a lot of work to be done. We have both been working so much that neither of us have been able to get anything done yet.

I text him this morning to tell him that I would be getting off early and if there was anything in particular that he wanted me to start doing while I was home.

He told me that the whole house needed to be swept and mopped. Okay. That's fine. the whole house floor is linoleum, no carpet and a good sweep is long over due.

When I get home I'm surprised to find him there already. he was off work early too.

Before I can even put my work things away he is on me, telling me exactly how I should sweep in mop as though I have never cleaned in my life. I do all the cleaning!

I tried to tell him that his explaining was not necessary. I would handle it just fine. But he continued to push the idea that I just wasn't going to do it right. I can't take that he has such low confidence in my ability to do even the tiniest things. I always encourage him in everything and let him know that I believe in him, but this one sided way of living has to end.

How can I let him know that he's hurting me without him blaming me for being oversensitive or finding some other way to twist it around so that he has no responsibility for his hurtful behavior?

I want him to look at himself and see what he's doing is not rational or productive. Where do I start?

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2014, 05:11:08 PM »

Oh I forgot to add... their way is not just the BEST way, but the ONLY way. It's that black/white thinking.
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waverider
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« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2014, 06:46:42 AM »

This is not about you. This is about him trying to convince you, and himself, that he is not incapable. By playing the expert he is selling the notion that he always does this.

Of course this is crazy to you, as you know better... But thats BPD instinctively always selling an image, to cover their lack of self.

My partner is always telling me how certain chores should be done, even though in 8 years I have never seen her once do them herself.

Just treat it like a mannerism as you are unlikely to stop it.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2014, 08:51:30 AM »

This is not about you. This is about him trying to convince you, and himself, that he is not incapable. By playing the expert he is selling the notion that he always does this.

Of course this is crazy to you, as you know better... But thats BPD instinctively always selling an image, to cover their lack of self.

My partner is always telling me how certain chores should be done, even though in 8 years I have never seen her once do them herself.

Just treat it like a mannerism as you are unlikely to stop it.

Have you ever asked her to show you how to do it?   

I am a "process guy"... .try to get things done quicker or more efficiently.  So if people are suggesting better ways... .I'm usually interested.   However... when things like this come up in my r/s and household... .it seems that people really aren't interested... that there was another agenda.

"selling an image... ."... .makes sense.

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waverider
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« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2014, 04:51:01 PM »

Have you ever asked her to show you how to do it?   

Yep and that is usually the trigger for a migraine or something similar

There are two needs at play here. First a need not to do it herself, and second a need to cover up the inability/unwillingness by pretending she is a master at it.

It doesn't bother me much now i just get on with doing my on thing my own way, it is a battle not worth fighting for now. She is not pushy or aggressive about it.
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2014, 05:09:20 PM »

it is a battle not worth fighting for now. 

And that is where wisdom comes to play... .

Can you explain how you go about figuring out which battles are worth fighting?

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waverider
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« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2014, 02:18:48 AM »

it is a battle not worth fighting for now. 

And that is where wisdom comes to play... .

Can you explain how you go about figuring out which battles are worth fighting?

Ones that are about your quality of life rather than squabbling over whats fair or not.

eg:

you get yelled at and consistently treated like dirt=quality of life issue

you do most of the chores because you like a tidy house=whats fair or not issue
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Cat21
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« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2014, 08:03:44 AM »

Like many others, this is also a big issue for me. Some days I can get over the inane criticism, other days, not so much. For me, nagging/being bossed around is a trigger- I grew up with a mom who was critical of many things and often made me feel like I didn't do most things well enough. My relationship with my mom has since changed, since I don't live with her and since I've learned to detach from the criticism. Funny- now, she doesn't criticizes a thing that I do and we have a great relationship. How do I learn to do the same (detach) with my uBPDh, when we obviously live together (in a small apt., I might add).
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tayana
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« Reply #10 on: August 29, 2014, 08:56:17 AM »

I go through very similar situations all the time.  If I have to make a phone call for my partner (she doesn't like to talk on the phone) or if I have to have contact with my kids' teachers, then she tells me what to say and if there is something I think is obvious or if I forget to ask a question, then I get, "Well don't you think that would be smart?" or some variation of "A smart person would have ... ."  If I manage to do something the way should would have then she acts shocked.  She knows just where to stick the knife to twist and make it hurt as much as possible.
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