Dealing with the loneliness

[vortex of confusion]

I have been feeling extremely lonely reading through the lessons and thinking about my contributions to our situation. I did a search and found this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168086.0

It is in the Detaching/leaving board and is a repost from the Idealization workshop. As I read through the first post, I had a whirlwind of emotions. I was that lonely child.

This quote especially spoke to me:

The lonely child *understands* the need to be held, loved and understood – because that’s what he longs for in others. The lonely child feels that in order to deal with acting out of the Borderline- the lonely child must project the aura of grace, compassion and understanding upon the Borderline and also guide, teach and show the way- because after all, that’s what the lonely child would want someone to do for him. There was a large reason that the initial mirroring (of this fixer /rescuer ego) worked so well in the idealization stage- the relationship really WAS the projection of lonely child that was mirrored, not the deficient ego of the Borderline.

I am very understanding driven. I have always considered myself to be very self-sufficient. Asking for help is difficult for me and there are times when all I really want is to NOT be lonely. I have identified that the thing that gets me into the most trouble are those feelings of loneliness. I had an affair because I was trying to soothe the loneliness. I get back into old patterns with him because of the loneliness. I reach out to him and try to soothe him and fix him as an attempt to get rid of those feelings of being lonely.

Now I must breathe and deal with these new feelings that are arising as a result of typing that out loud.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

You really are learning a lot, vortex of confusion, and sometimes new realizations and insights can be very exhausting and emotional 

Taking the time to do this work on yourself--no matter how your relationship ends up in the future--is a very soul-enriching experience. Sometimes it will hurt, but always you will move forward and know yourself better. That is a very good thing, right? 

[winnie77]

I feel lonely often in my marriage with a BPD. I don't feel like my fears, insecurities, sadness or any other vulnerable emotion is really cared for. Some how, some way, it becomes about him and he takes it personally... .so that's when I go spend time with God or reading about BPD... .

[vortex of confusion]

I feel lonely often in my marriage with a BPD. I don't feel like my fears, insecurities, sadness or any other vulnerable emotion is really cared for. Some how, some way, it becomes about him and he takes it personally... .so that's when I go spend time with God or reading about BPD... .

Same here. I find all sorts of other things to do to deal with the loneliness, etc. I wonder if anybody has any stories or suggestions on how to deal with the loneliness. I want to stay in my marriage but the thought of being in a relationship that is about the other person is sometimes overwhelming especially when the feelings of loneliness are stronger when he is here than when he is gone.

I know that I am not crazy in thinking that he is checked out. In one of his first therapy sessions, his therapist commented that the lights were on but nobody was home. She said that she wouldn't be able to help him if he didn't try to connect with her or at the very least become more present during sessions. I have had the feeling that he was here physically but not mentally for years. He will come sit with me on the couch sometimes because he is trying spend more time with me. It can often leave me even more frustrated because it feels like he is doing it to score brownie points or because he has to. When he does it, there is very little connection between us.

[winnie77]

I can relate to that. I expressed how I like this site because I don't feel so lonely and he got upset because I made him feel bad or look bad. He plays his games a lot or watches sports and it's the same with us, if he tries to communicate it is either really shallow or he just let's me talk and doesn't seem to be listening. I do have to say that he is better than he use to be at it, but I'm still lonely... .: )

[winnie77]

What really hurts is he had a secret female friend that he talked to all the time for about 4 months... .but I can't say anything about that... .or ask why... .he just says she built his ego... .

[vortex of confusion]

What really hurts is he had a secret female friend that he talked to all the time for about 4 months... .but I can't say anything about that... .or ask why... .he just says she built his ego... .

I know all about that. My husband still has a friend that he talks to on the side. He says that it is strictly platonic and they talk about mundane stuff like kids and what not. I have friends on the side that I talk to as well. It is a weird thing that we did. I have tried to turn my attention back to him several times but he doesn't seem to be interested. He tells me that it gives him somebody to talk to at work when I am not available. Oh, this other person likes things that he likes that I don't. I don't think it would bother so much if he wasn't a sex addict and I hadn't caught him lying about his conversations with other people. At one point, we considered ourselves separated and living in the same house. I told him to go ahead and have his friends. The absolute worst incident was the night that I said I wanted to sit on the couch and cuddle with him. He sat there cuddling with me while texting with this lady. Our situation is really, really messed up.

[winnie77]

Wow... .i haven't had to deal with that... .only finding the phone bill where I had texted him and he tool an hour to get back to me because he was too busy texting her. But we have a no friends of the same sex without them being friends of the marriage rule and have since day one but apparently, up until recently, I was the only one who followed it. He understands why it was wrong and it actually scared him because he tried to get her to stop contacting him and she got clingy... .... .so he says he does not want to go through that again. I hope he doesnt. It's hard to deal with.

[MissyM]

Vortex, your husband isn't in recovery if he is still talking to another female like that.  So very hurtful.  Hopefully you are doing ok.  As far as being lonely, that is a common theme among spouses of BPD and spouses of SAs.  I feel less lonely these days because I have such a strong fellowship in COSA and Alanon.  Now I am dealing with the backlash after being close with my dBPDh.  Hate the push pull.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, your husband isn't in recovery if he is still talking to another female like that.  So very hurtful.  Hopefully you are doing ok.  As far as being lonely, that is a common theme among spouses of BPD and spouses of SAs.  I feel less lonely these days because I have such a strong fellowship in COSA and Alanon.  Now I am dealing with the backlash after being close with my dBPDh.  Hate the push pull.

I know that but he won't hear any of it. I have asked him if he and his sponsor have a written plan. In the last year, he has attended meetings off and on. After he did his first step, he had a big backslide. He is supposedly at step 4 but has been there for quite a while. I don't see a lot of progress at all.

The thing that hurts the most is that he likes to get reports of who all I have talked to each day. I won't lie. I have a friend or two that I talk to online. They have spouses that sound very BPD. I have encouraged both of them to seek help and perhaps see if they can find a forum such as this one for support. Whether I talk to anybody or not, my husband wants a report and then he reports to me whether or not he has talked to his friend. We experimented with the idea of an open relationship but there is no way it would ever work because he would not give me the space or privacy to have any kind of friend without wanting to know all of the specifics and all of the details. I can go weeks at a time without talking to some of my friends and I don't say anything to him. I am capable of having a male friend without it being sexual. He is not capable of talking to a female online without it going there. When his friend didn't email him for a while, he started fiending about it and wondering if she is going to disappear like everyone else. He seems more concerned about losing a female email friend that he got from an online ad than he is with dealing with his issues. I have never had a problem with either of us having friends of the opposite sex. He is in a profession that is dominated by females and I spent most of my life hanging out with guys that would get raunchy at times but were always very respectful towards me and never did anything that could be misconstrued.

I guess that is why I feel like I am checked out of the relationship. How can I be checked into a relationship with somebody that seems so clueless and doesn't seem to care?