Feeling worn down - feedback welcome

[profplum]

I have tried to work this out for myself but I feel like I am just sinking deeper & deeper into confusion and indecision. I’ll give some brief background & would love some feedback.

I have been with my wife 17 years (married the last 4 of these). In hindsight I think our issues were always present but it probably took 10+ years before I even began to understand and dig into issues.

Seven years ago my wife had a major breakdown & gave up work, was diagnosed with depression/stress by our doctor and went onto medication. After the breakdown we moved from my country (and a major city) to her country (and a rural area). Things improved initially & unbeknown to me at the time she stopped taking the meds after a year.

We live in a fairly remote location which was driven by my wife wanting to live somewhere quiet and have very few neighbours, a lifestyle change I was happy to embrace particularly as noise in apartment blocks had previously always been something that stressed her out – she has a fairly low tolerance to a lot of things including noise.

Three years ago the nearest house to ours was sold prior to that it had been vacant for a couple of years – when I say nearest it’s a couple of hundred metres away from us, to give you an idea of the low density area we live in. From the very day my wife first saw the neighbour (and without ever speaking to him), she declared he was a bad person & so a continual thorn in my side began. Despite the fact the neighbour actually works away for weeks at a time so we rarely see anything of him – it’s become an obsession of hatred for my wife.

The neighbour is too noisy, he’s always looking at our house, he’s going to rob us, he’s evil, he’s bully, he’s trying to drive us away etc. etc. My wife keeps insisting I go confront him about his unacceptable behaviour (something I won’t do as their behaviour doesn’t warrant any complaint & in my view this action would only make it worse) or alternately we move house (something which for me is a major decision & I am reluctant to do, as how do I know this just doesn’t happen again if we move or get replaced with a new worry/obsession).

My wife has made progress in some areas after seven years off work she has returned to full time employment this year & also this year did see a T for six months – I understand he fed back to my wife she had serious depression & also suggested her behaviour was consistent with a condition called ‘pure o’. Unfortunately my wife ditched the T telling me he said he had tried but couldn’t cure her and nothing more could be done for her – her words & something I am not entirely sure was quite the way she describes.

As for me I went to a T a couple of years back, following some initial learning with an online community for the partners of people with depression. I did work for 18 months or so to make sense of everything which helped me a lot with coping strategies . It was my own T who suggested BPD has similarities with my wife’s behaviour which I think it does (as do pure o & depression). Albeit obviously I am not qualified to diagnose her nor my T who never met her.

So back to this neighbour issue I am just worn out with it – I initially thought over time perhaps this obsession would get replaced by other worries, but whilst she has other issues they are not as intense as this one & this one just lingers on and on. I just feel it’s a no win position move house & it could all be for nothing (as well as being a costly stressful experience plus leaving behind I a house that personally I don’t mind) but stay and potentially nothing ever changes. Not to mention if we move and it wasn’t perfect for her, she would no doubt tell me it’s my fault we had to move & I should have confronted the neighbour as she wanted not “run away” (her view) to another place.

When you live with these things for so long it’s very difficult to suddenly distill the problem into a nutshell so it makes sense for others. However I have done my best, like I say feedback welcome, particularly if you have similar experiences. At the moment I am trying to validate etc. but whatever I do doesn’t bring respite from the core issue she returns to – she doesn’t like where she lives but she doesn’t she why she should have to move as someone else is to blame (the neighbour and me thereafter for not solving her ‘problem’).

When this neighbour issue doesn’t rear up, I generally have a partner with issues that are lower intensity and stuff I feel I could manage with her.

Sorry for the long post but like i say hard to distrill so many thoughts in a concise way

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with all of this stress, profplum! The situation with your neighbor and your wife's suspicions have got to be really frustrating and confusing! I know if something like that was happening in my life (and I do love my house and would hate to move!), it would really upset me. Have you tried using any of the communication tools (Right Here to the right-hand side of this page) to talk to her about that? Have you checked out the links on the right-------> to try to figure out how to deal with your wife's fears?

Many of us on this site have found that once we Understand our partner's behaviors, and learn how to communicate with them properly--without pushing every one of their buttons--things can actually get at least a little bit better. I would like to encourage you to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, to learn everything you can about BPD and why your wife thinks and behaves the way she does, and to see if you can communicate your own feelings about your neighbor (and moving) in a way that can alleviate the stress of your situation.

If you want to, once you understand Validation and BPD, Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it, TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and Radical Acceptance for family members, you can post your conversations with your wife when it comes to your neighbor, and we can try to help you with them... .What do you think? We'd love to help you, profplum