Checking back into the relationship and being overwhelmed

[vortex of confusion]

My other thread reached its maximum length. I have been reading through the lessons and have been feeling very overwhelmed. This morning, I made a positive step and set up an information session with a potential therapist. I am realizing that this situation is bigger than anything that I can handle on my own. I am afraid to let myself be angry. I have bounced around the different steps of grieving but I keep avoiding the angry step. The few times that I have had moments of clarity and have let myself be angry, I have acted in ways that are not acceptable to me.

I am very frustrated because my husband does not see how maintaining contact with a person that he met online when he was acting out is bothersome to me and could be interfering with his sobriety. He said it wasn't on his sex plan. I asked him if he had told his sponsor about it. Then he tells me that his sponsor is rarely available and that he needs to find a new sponsor. I don't think he is being completely honest with his sponsor or himself.

When I told him that I had made an appointment to get some information from a therapist, his response was, "I have a stupid question. What are you going to do if the therapist tells you to get a divorce?" I told him I didn't know and that I really didn't want to think about. I tried to ask him some questions like, "Is your main concern divorce?" He said no and that it was a silly question that he never should have asked. Rather than getting mad or turning it into a fight, I said, "If that is an important issue for you, then it isn't a silly question. It is a very valid question to ask."

The whole time I could sense that he was feeling defeated and upset. I felt like he was trying to thwart my efforts to go to counseling. He did, however, start talking about wanting to find a therapist for him. That is a big switch from what he said last night and has said in the past. But, I think it is another case of him only wanting to do what I want to do and trying to find ways to make things about him. It is very discouraging and overwhelming. When I try to take positive steps and do things for myself, he acts so dejected and hurt. He seems to be a little invested in me not really making any changes. I think his biggest fear is that I will divorce him if I get healthy. And the truth is that, I don't know how I can stay checked into a relationship with somebody that only seems to care about being together but doesn't want to put in the effort necessary to improve things.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

You've got some very valid concerns here, vortex, and I'm really happy that you have set up an appointment to check out that Therapist. What a huge step forward for you! You sound like you are ready for this, and I do think that whatever happens next will be progress... .baby steps, going in the right direction, is at least life-affirming and soul-affirming for you. Congratulations 

When I told him that I had made an appointment to get some information from a therapist, his response was, "I have a stupid question. What are you going to do if the therapist tells you to get a divorce?" I told him I didn't know and that I really didn't want to think about. I tried to ask him some questions like, "Is your main concern divorce?" He said no and that it was a silly question that he never should have asked. Rather than getting mad or turning it into a fight, I said, "If that is an important issue for you, then it isn't a silly question. It is a very valid question to ask."

You have really learned a lot from all of your reading here, and I think that was really a very validating, soothing reaction. Cool 

When I try to take positive steps and do things for myself, he acts so dejected and hurt. He seems to be a little invested in me not really making any changes. I think his biggest fear is that I will divorce him if I get healthy. And the truth is that, I don't know how I can stay checked into a relationship with somebody that only seems to care about being together but doesn't want to put in the effort necessary to improve things.

That is always a possibility, but you can't let that fear interfere with your own well-being and growth... .And who knows? If you decide to continue with Therapy, there is always the chance that you will learn how to get well yourself, and keep the marriage intact; your Husband may react totally differently than you expect. When we change, our partners inevitably sense it and in one way or another, they change too. And lots of times their own changes are positive when we least expect it... .