How to get her to help

[meerkat1]

Any ideas how to get her to help?

I am at my wits end. I want to make this work. I want to see my wife get better, happy, even somewhat stable. Everyone deserves to be happy. She just refuses to go get help. She has all the classic symptoms of BPD, but the self image part (so she says) keeps her from getting help. She thinks she has to lose weight and look better before going to the dr. All the while, the sickness itself is causing her to gain weight(binge eating) and feel poorly about herself. And of course it is all my fault, but you knew that part already.

She is trying DBT self help, but not very persistent with it. And she is still in denial, blaming me for all her issues.

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[tayana]

I hate to say this, but until she decides to get help she isn't going to.  You can force her to go, but that doesn't mean she'll do the work.  She has to want to get better first.  And honestly, she probably isn't going to do that until she hits rock bottom.

[maxsterling]

Agree with tayana.  At this point it's up to her.  It sounds like she is aware something is wrong, and that's a big first step. 

You could try some kind of ultimatum - "If you don't go to therapy I want a separation."  It may force her to go to therapy, but no guarantee she will stick with it or improve.  She may just go to meet your ultimatum.  Or, the ultimatum may backfire, she will get angrier, blame you for even more, and you will feel worse. 

You could gently try to persuade her in a positive way.  The trick here is patience and not pressure.  Just be careful because pwBPD are really tuned in to passive aggressiveness or manipulation attempts. 

But keep in mind just because she is in therapy doesn't mean it will fix her.  My fiancé has had decades of therapy, and not much has changed.

Best course of action is to focus on you and not her.  That's not easy.  It means using the validation tools here, not accepting her blame, and setting boundaries.