Either he will listen and not do anything at all to stop his actions that are causing the emotions
I know exactly how you feel. When my fiancé screams, it causes me physical pain. I've had ringing in my ears that has lasted for days. So obviously, to me, she is doing something that is causing me pain.
But I am guessing that is his claim against you, right? That you did something to cause his emotions. And even if his accusation is absurd, it's his reality. And I am sure you hate being blamed for the way he feels, when there was absolutely nothing you could do about it. In my case she was once furious because I had a couple of receipts in my pocket instead of throwing them away. I was a slob because I put a receipt in my pocket when I walked out of the store, and me being a slob was causing her to be upset. Makes no sense to you or I, but that is her reality. She feels upset. The receipt in my pocket for some reason annoyed her. There was no way I could have anticipated that would upset her, and it's just so far in left field that not keeping receipts in my pocket won't solve her issue, because if she is really taking issue with that, there's no telling what else she will take issue with. But her reality is that the receipts are an issue (as weird as that sounds). I am doing something to cause her pain, and I hate being blamed for that!
My suggestion is to keep the above in mind. pwBPD fiercely HATE being blamed for other people's emotions. I've learned to try and express things in such a way to where it doesn't sound like I am accusing her of causing my emotions. My first action is to think of whether it is something even worth bringing up, or just dealing with on my own. Many times I decide it's not worth it. And when I do bring things up, I know she hates when I bring things up after the fact, even if it is 30 minutes after the fact. So I try to be mindful of that. I'm doing much better about saying things in the moment, but that's been a tough thing for me to do because I am naturally more of the "careful action" type person rather than the "quick on my feet" type... It also helps if I try and validate first:
"Sweety, I know it's very frustrating when the house seems messy and disorganized. I do my very best to keep it clean. I could definitely use your help in keeping it clean; I can't do it all myself. I feel hurt when you make comments about the house when I do most of the cleaning."
