Its so unfair...

[HoldingAHurricane]

We've hit a rough patch in the road again. So, he started a new job 3 months ago. Clean slate, chance to do things better. He has been repeatedly late, got caught playing computer games in work time, doing things with clients without permission, failing to call in when he is 'sick' and a few other things.

He made an inquiry about obtaining the gas but never followed through. And then this week he had his 3 month review where they raised all the above. I think their offer of continued employment on 3 more months of probation was pretty generous. He is not grateful at all and is now complaining that he is handicapped and expected to act like he is not and how unfair it is.

He has been struggling over the last month anyway because he started a course and never finished it. It went as far as him planning on suiciding by gassing himself. I found out about that last weekend. 

I feel really angry with him today for being so ungrateful and not taking responsibility for doing this to himself. I don't have any trouble being supportive until he starts acting ungratefully and feeling sorry for himself in a way that seems really unreasonable. I don't know why that is. He is speaking to me like I am a stranger so I can tell he is dissociating and yesterday started changing his passwords to things which is usually a sign of paranoia.

I told him I was worried about him and things I noticed that were signs of him having a hard time. He was very cold and detached and never made any assurances he wasn't suicidal again. Now I feel angry that he is putting me through this again.

I know I should validate his feelings but I spent all week doing that and here we are again this weekend. It feels like being trapped in groundhog day. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

We've hit a rough patch in the road again. So, he started a new job 3 months ago. Clean slate, chance to do things better. He has been repeatedly late, got caught playing computer games in work time, doing things with clients without permission, failing to call in when he is 'sick' and a few other things.

He made an inquiry about obtaining the gas but never followed through. And then this week he had his 3 month review where they raised all the above. I think their offer of continued employment on 3 more months of probation was pretty generous. He is not grateful at all and is now complaining that he is handicapped and expected to act like he is not and how unfair it is.

He has been struggling over the last month anyway because he started a course and never finished it. It went as far as him planning on suiciding by gassing himself. I found out about that last weekend. 

I feel really angry with him today for being so ungrateful and not taking responsibility for doing this to himself. I don't have any trouble being supportive until he starts acting ungratefully and feeling sorry for himself in a way that seems really unreasonable. I don't know why that is. He is speaking to me like I am a stranger so I can tell he is dissociating and yesterday started changing his passwords to things which is usually a sign of paranoia.

I told him I was worried about him and things I noticed that were signs of him having a hard time. He was very cold and detached and never made any assurances he wasn't suicidal again. Now I feel angry that he is putting me through this again.

I know I should validate his feelings but I spent all week doing that and here we are again this weekend. It feels like being trapped in groundhog day. 

   

You've got a lot going on in your r/s

Can you think of an area of your r/s where you are getting some traction and getting things going in a positive direction for you?

[HoldingAHurricane]

Not really. He interactions with me are minimal so its hard to keep being in the relationship by myself. I try to reach out but mostly it's met with silence or sarcasm and if we manage to reconnect it lasts an evening or two  before something else has sets him off. He doesn't initiate contact with me.

I decided to get out of the house tonight. I have a nice office and I stay there over night sometimes just to get away from him. Leaving the house makes his dissociation worse but being at home with him while he is like this is worse for me. I am working to tomorrow all day and then I was thinking of staying at the office until Sunday night when the kids come home. At least then I can have a good break.

All I can think of doing is going about my business and keeping out of his way. His therapist is on vacation for 4 weeks so that's not even a possibility.

I just feel so angry with him right now. Wallowing in self pity and making things worse. He doesn't follow any of the things his therapist told him to do. I asked him why he was acting like this and he said 'its the quickest road to self destruction'. Validating his feelings doesn't seem to be having any effect.

 

[formflier]

Not really. He interactions with me are minimal so its hard to keep being in the relationship by myself. I try to reach out but mostly it's met with silence or sarcasm and if we manage to reconnect it lasts an evening or two  before something else has sets him off. He doesn't initiate contact with me.

I decided to get out of the house tonight. I have a nice office and I stay there over night sometimes just to get away from him. Leaving the house makes his dissociation worse but being at home with him while he is like this is worse for me. I am working to tomorrow all day and then I was thinking of staying at the office until Sunday night when the kids come home. At least then I can have a good break.

All I can think of doing is going about my business and keeping out of his way. His therapist is on vacation for 4 weeks so that's not even a possibility.

I just feel so angry with him right now. Wallowing in self pity and making things worse. He doesn't follow any of the things his therapist told him to do. I asked him why he was acting like this and he said 'its the quickest road to self destruction'. Validating his feelings doesn't seem to be having any effect.

 

Sounds like you are taking some steps for self care... .to get you to a better place.

Can you expand more on why you are angry with him?

[HoldingAHurricane]

Probably holding onto a bunch of expectations that he act like a rational person when he isn't a rational person when he's dysregulated and lack of acceptance of how he is. His actual behaviour doesn't match my expectations for his behaviour. Frustration stemming from my lack of acceptance of that, I guess.

Something about people not helping themselves is really triggering for me and I don't know why. I can access so much compassion for people who are in a bad space and trying to do something about it or at least see their role in it. As soon as he starts on with his 'I'm a victim of other peoples expectations' and fails to take responsibility for the fact that he sat around our house, playing with the dogs, using his computer, instead of getting ready for work and getting there on time, I just get so annoyed.

He knew studying was extreme on his list of triggers and yet he didn't gather support, see his therapist, ask me for help, look after himself. He just descended into wallowing in self-pity and helplessness.

His comment about doing destructive things because it will help him self destruct quickly. It struck me for the first time how deliberate he is. He isn't just randomly doing things, he selects courses of action. I feel like why should I extend myself to support someone who is actively working to destroy himself.

Maybe my lack of control over the situation? I did what I could to contribute my 50% and it didn't work. I don't know what else to do other than detach and stand by and him detonate.