What to do on a "good" day?

[randi0081]

I'm relatively new to all this as my husband was "diagnosed" (no official diagnosis because he quit therapy soon after the possibility that he was mentally ill arose) big surprise.

At any rate, I'm working on setting my own personal boundaries and not getting sucked into this push pull game he plays.

So I've read that the BP is both Jekyll and Hyde. But here, I've read that the BP is only compassionate and apologizes when it benefits them. Which is it? Or am I misunderstanding? Also, not all days are bad. How do I interact and respond to him on a good day? I want to encourage that behavior but don't want to leave myself in a position to be hurt when the other side shows back up.

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[formflier]

I'm relatively new to all this as my husband was "diagnosed" (no official diagnosis because he quit therapy soon after the possibility that he was mentally ill arose) big surprise.

At any rate, I'm working on setting my own personal boundaries and not getting sucked into this push pull game he plays.

So I've read that the BP is both Jekyll and Hyde. But here, I've read that the BP is only compassionate and apologizes when it benefits them. Which is it? Or am I misunderstanding? Also, not all days are bad. How do I interact and respond to him on a good day? I want to encourage that behavior but don't want to leave myself in a position to be hurt when the other side shows back up.

All good questions.

Have you spent time reading the lessons? 

One thing that I want you to think about... .and it may alter the way you look at your husband... .

What does it mean to you if they are doing what they are doing because of the disorder... .not because it benefits them... .or not.

[randi0081]

I'm still going through them, but they all seem to be referencing the dark side. Granted, that's the hardest part, but every day isn't a bad day. Or maybe the good days are simply when he ignores me... .Maybe I'm that jaded.

What it means to me, is that if he is only being kind because of how it affects him, then that means it's a facade. To live in a fictious marriage without the hope of being genuinely cared about (unless he seeks help) is very eye opening. If he is genuinely both Jekyll and Hyde, then the ability to actually care about me does exist in there

In other words, if I am supportive to the great day he has, am I encouraging him to lie to me since it's all acting? Or if it's genuine, am I just enjoying the good days while they are here?

[Vexed]

Enjoy the good days. 

I'm unsure whether encouragement is beneficial, detrimental, or neither.  I too try to encourage my BPDgf on her good days and the rare times when she is willing to talk about our (her) issues without raging.  I can't say what the results have been, probably unchanged.

The way I see it is you enjoy the good days and use the techniques for damage control and to expedite the bad days and rages.  You can't help them, that's only going to happen with therapy.  I'm not gonna lie though, it doesn't mean I dont still try, but I think 99.99% of the time you would be better off banging your head against the wall.

[Cat21]

I'm still going through them, but they all seem to be referencing the dark side. Granted, that's the hardest part, but every day isn't a bad day. Or maybe the good days are simply when he ignores me... .Maybe I'm that jaded.

What it means to me, is that if he is only being kind because of how it affects him, then that means it's a facade. To live in a fictious marriage without the hope of being genuinely cared about (unless he seeks help) is very eye opening. If he is genuinely both Jekyll and Hyde, then the ability to actually care about me does exist in there

In other words, if I am supportive to the great day he has, am I encouraging him to lie to me since it's all acting? Or if it's genuine, am I just enjoying the good days while they are here?

Hi Randi-

All of this information can be overwhelming for sure. Like you, not every day is bad for me either. In fact, I think you'll find that many people who come here for support have good weeks and even months with their pwBPD. Personally speaking, I don't think it's a facade, although every situation is different. The reason I don't think my uBPDh's genuinely good days (or weeks or months) are fake is because I've seen his facade many times- at work, with friends, even with family. It's not the same.

This disease is challenging and definitely requires a lot of self-evaluation. But, try not to lose sight of the person you married. I've been told that any change or progress from the pwBPD is slow, and that can be very frustrating. Try not to overanalyze every situation; after you've read the lessons and start implementing the tools, take a step back and evaluate. And come here to post! This is a wonderful place for support.

[formflier]

Cat21,

Well said... .

[takingandsending]

Hi Randi.

It is confusing to re-examine your relationship in the context of this illness. I went through a couple of months of disillusionment, some self recrimination and basically feeling duped by my uBPDw. I want to encourage you to give yourself the time to that you need to sort through your feelings. Every situation is deeply personal. I think many of us have learned that we came to be in our relationships based on our own issues, and there is a real possibility for growth within ourselves if we come at it from that standpoint. Certainly, learning the communication tools here will benefit you both inside and outside of your relationship with your husband.

I have decided that, in the end, if I am happy with myself, then whether or not my wife extends love or kindness to me out of true caring or out of fear of abandonment really doesn't make much difference. I can accept it as it is, and make the choices that I need based on my own self care/self love. At least, that's my goal.

Good luck and thank you for the good question.

[waverider]

I have found that as a consequence of what I have learned here my ability to interact on a more connected level with people has increased generally. This means even  a trip to the store is better as I have more uplifting conversations even with the shop assistants, People stood next to me, everyone I come in contact with. I am no longer as insular as I used to be.

In short, day to day life feels sunnier than it used to.

Anyone else found that their "outside" life has been given a lift?

[meerkat1]

As a matter of fact yes. I too have found that I am just a little more friendly, a little more outgoing, and a little more open to others. I have started to reconnect with old friends, slowly, but it is progress.

I think learning just a little bit of how to deal with pwBPD helped so much. I was able to get my own confidence back that has been missing for years.

[formflier]

Anyone else found that their "outside" life has been given a lift?

Yes... .I look at all r/s a bit different.

I think about when I need to validate... .just about everyone and all the time.

I make an effort to "connect".