I got this email...

[Rifka]

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist! I was on the edge of destroying my life for someone that only lives in my mind. Now, who is the crazy one?

This is perhaps the most succinct line I've ever seen written about surviving a BPD relationship. To use an IT analogy, they are vapourware. Amazing software that is promised but never arrives.

The day I started to realise that the person I "fell in love" with was nothing but an illusion was the day I started really getting over the whole mess.

That was exactly the truth that has helped me jolt back into reality as well. I needed to stop believing otherwise and questioning myself. I never questioned myself before. I never felt like I was losing my mind, or control of myself before. I never second guessed myself before.

The reality here is it is not what it appeared to be in our minds. I have to suck it up to a very hard lesson in life and do what is best and healthy for myself and family again. Back on the horse! I feel so much stronger just really understanding what I need to do for me. Complete NC was the only way that I could see clearly. Today I threw all of his cards, letters and memories into the outside trash can! Tomorrow I will start deleting the texts, photos and whatever else I can think of into oblivion. This was a fairy tale that I allowed myself to believe. Real love is two sided. Time to love myself completely and move forward and stop this gnawing of the mind, heart and soul. I deserve to give my love and heart to somebody who is able to equally give theirs. Love is suppose to feel good, not hurt so deeply, so often!

[Caredverymuch]

Thanks Caredverymuch.

I know. I feel like an idiot. The stupidest thing is that I didn't ever want to hear from her. I mean, really. I was free. I wasn't checking these boards anymore. I felt great.

I took a haul off the poison gas. I'm glad she didn't want me back. I might have given in. I think that is why I felt such terror. I knew her hold on me is too strong. I would have ditched everything. Thank god I didn't bite on the let's be friends and see later what happens. Good lord.

And I didn't even enjoy talking to her. There is nothing that I liked. Really. My love for her isn't for her at all. I miss the sex that was sometimes awesome. That's it. Otherwise she was a total pain in the a$$. And in the two conversations vwe did have, I thought she was needy and miserable and kind of gross and scary.

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist! I was on the edge of destroying my life for someone that only lives in my mind. Now, who is the crazy one?

Willy, you are no idiot.  We are healing from a trauma here on this board.

It's very easy to remember all the good bc the good was so darn... .good!  And the hold that our ex's had on us was very purposefully played out to gain that control. So we wouldn't leave them.

In their fractured minds they still think we are in that bond with them.  Even though they left us.

They still feel they can pull us down off the shelf when their bottomless well of need is drained dry and they are alone again, bc they left our replacement or the  replacement didn't stick around.  So, back they come to dip the toe in the well of "just in case" supply source, that just happens to be us. The really caring ones who were devastated by the way they left.  Who are just about standing straight again and doing so much better by keeping that NC thing going on through all that earlier pain. We did it. We stayed away.

The last few times I saw my ex in passing I felt as you state.  I really don't like him anymore as a person.  I don't like the way he acts. The way he looks. The way he takes and lies and allows everyone to think he is a sweeter than life and a one of a kind man.  The way he moved right on to find a new replacement, while I was barely able to get out of bed in heartache of his abandonment. 

But, my body reacts in the way a trauma victim does.  I have this after effect when I see him. My heart races and my mind remembers the good stuff.  I feel myself wanting to maybe talk to him again.  I go back to the fairy tale and have a split moment of thinking he's better. It's all something that has been worked out and he really did love me the way he said he did and he really does miss me the way I missed him. And he really has been in all this pain I have been in.  He is really a sweeter than life one of a kind man.

And I forget all the destruction he caused me. My life. All that r/s cost me. In every way. I forget it bc the good was so good it floods back.  The illusion floods back. 

It is said to heal from a traumatic event, you must consciously avoid all triggers of anything to do with the event.

We were traumatized.

Why we are here. 

[drummerboy]

I got her cards and letters and read them as I threw them into my open fireplace, they were so pathetic! "I will love you till the day I die" "you are the one I've been waiting for" "very few people ever get to meet their everlasting soulmate" and these were written after we had known each other 3 weeks!

And I fell for it!

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist! I was on the edge of destroying my life for someone that only lives in my mind. Now, who is the crazy one?

This is perhaps the most succinct line I've ever seen written about surviving a BPD relationship. To use an IT analogy, they are vapourware. Amazing software that is promised but never arrives.

The day I started to realise that the person I "fell in love" with was nothing but an illusion was the day I started really getting over the whole mess.

That was exactly the truth that has helped me jolt back into reality as well. I needed to stop believing otherwise and questioning myself. I never questioned myself before. I never felt like I was losing my mind, or control of myself before. I never second guessed myself before.

The reality here is it is not what it appeared to be in our minds. I have to suck it up to a very hard lesson in life and do what is best and healthy for myself and family again. Back on the horse! I feel so much stronger just really understanding what I need to do for me. Complete NC was the only way that I could see clearly. Today I threw all of his cards, letters and memories into the outside trash can! Tomorrow I will start deleting the texts, photos and whatever else I can think of into oblivion. This was a fairy tale that I allowed myself to believe. Real love is two sided. Time to love myself completely and move forward and stop this gnawing of the mind, heart and soul. I deserve to give my love and heart to somebody who is able to equally give theirs. Love is suppose to feel good, not hurt so deeply, so often!

[Rifka]

I got her cards and letters and read them as I threw them into my open fireplace, they were so pathetic! "I will love you till the day I die" "you are the one I've been waiting for" "very few people ever get to meet their everlasting soulmate" and these were written after we had known each other 3 weeks!

And I fell for it!

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist! I was on the edge of destroying my life for someone that only lives in my mind. Now, who is the crazy one?

This is perhaps the most succinct line I've ever seen written about surviving a BPD relationship. To use an IT analogy, they are vapourware. Amazing software that is promised but never arrives.

The day I started to realise that the person I "fell in love" with was nothing but an illusion was the day I started really getting over the whole mess.

That was exactly the truth that has helped me jolt back into reality as well. I needed to stop believing otherwise and questioning myself. I never questioned myself before. I never felt like I was losing my mind, or control of myself before. I never second guessed myself before.

The reality here is it is not what it appeared to be in our minds. I have to suck it up to a very hard lesson in life and do what is best and healthy for myself and family again. Back on the horse! I feel so much stronger just really understanding what I need to do for me. Complete NC was the only way that I could see clearly. Today I threw all of his cards, letters and memories into the outside trash can! Tomorrow I will start deleting the texts, photos and whatever else I can think of into oblivion. This was a fairy tale that I allowed myself to believe. Real love is two sided. Time to love myself completely and move forward and stop this gnawing of the mind, heart and soul. I deserve to give my love and heart to somebody who is able to equally give theirs. Love is suppose to feel good, not hurt so deeply, so often!

Bauble,

Don't feel bad! Throwing away or burning the memories and just getting them away from us so that we don't look at them and make ourselves go back peddling is great! It was a fairy tale! Most people have the yearning to be loved, 3 weeks, 3months or 3 years. Sometimes we see or believe what we need to see or believe. You gave of yourself and loved and you will one day love again as we all will.

We just need to stop thinking about the good and concentrate on the bad. Would you advise a friend or family member to stay with somebody who treated them as we were treated? Of course not. You can do it. Let's hold hands and pull together and look forward if possible to amazing things that will come our ways. We are in charge of us! I know we can do this.

Willy,

I recycled at least three times that we were apart for a week each time. I loved with all of my heart. I gave in to the begging, crying, pleading, promises of therapies, I'll change, you are the only one for me, I love you bs long enough! Last time was just really the last time!

You can do this too! One day at a time! Everyone one this thread and in the leaving threads has recycled. We all do it! One time eventually will be the last time for you too! It's up to you, but honestly if you have contact, you are making it impossible for you to get the space needed to have the power to do it. Nc at all, no text, no Facebook, no email, no checking anything, (unless of course you have children together) no contact. Write a list of every bad time, experience that you can remember and read it over and over. If an email or text comes, fight your urge to know and just delete it unopened.

We can all do this! Remember it needs to be about you now!

[Janewhi]

I made the mistake of trying to be friends and supportive to my ex during an extremely difficult time for her. Of course everything I did was never enough. The hateful emails began coming again, and I finally told her that I don't want further contact from her (and covered all the various ways), and threatened contacting the authorities if she persisted. She replied that she was the victim, then said she was done.

I learned to not believe anything that she promised. She was not done, and continued to send the nasty, hurtful "I'm the victim" emails. Just when I would start to relax and feel more like myself, like clockwork the next harassing email came. I have now blocked her emails (she doesn't receive a bounceback message), and I added some restrictions on my phone for calls and texts. I accepted that would be the only way I would get peace and take the next steps toward moving on. I was angry and sad that I had to resort to blocking someone I cared so deeply for, but I know it's what I need to do for myself.

Her behavior made it impossible for me to try to be a friend.

[willy45]

Just got this other email:

Willy, this makes me very sad. I hope one day things change.

I guess her 'bowing out graciously' is not going to happen... .

[Infared]

Just got this other email:

Willy, this makes me very sad. I hope one day things change.

I guess her 'bowing out graciously' is not going to happen... .

Simple.

Focus on you.

You bow out and save you.

Block her emails and start to move on with YOUR life.

When I finally took charge and was responsible and focused about my life... .then things started to change.

I accepted that I was alone and moving forward to a better place. I stopped being "nice" to her.  She treated me like $hit.

I took charge and cut it all off.  Painful, but so very freeing. I could feel my feet lift off the ground a little.

[Rise]

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist!

It's not crazy. Because you're not actually grieving for the person you thought she was. You're grieving over your own losses. The dreams you had for a happy life. The way you felt when things were good. Those are the things you've really lost. And that loss is a very real thing. Really you're grieving for yourself. And you know what? It's completely okay to do so. Sometimes it just takes a while to realize you have to take the focus off her, and put it on yourself.

[Caredverymuch]

Just got this other email:

Willy, this makes me very sad. I hope one day things change.

I guess her 'bowing out graciously' is not going to happen... .

I agree with Infared.  Block. You control your destiny now willy.  Get off the roller coaster if you really want to move on.